Help- Mom is becoming mean and hateful and unreasonable.

Zoelove, this is something like what happened with my mom, but it was more after my dad developed dementia. Their marriage was not perfect, but it was not any kind of one-sided abusive situation and Dad really cared about Mom a great deal. Not sure what all the dynamics were, but somehow mom convinced herself - and a few others - that dad never loved her and even abused her, which really hurt my heart - she actually did a lot of yelling at him before we realized she was losing her grip herself!! In your case, mom almost certainly has dementia and is seeking someone to blame rather than being able to realize the problem is within herself in any way. If you can convince your dad that ignoring her is not the right approach, that she needs help, even against her will, then intervention may occur. With her actually throwing things you could justify a geropsych evaluation. Dad needs to use enough tough love to insist he is not just going to let her come back home and do whatever. It is sad, and you may not be able to totally fix it in terms of Mom not blaming Dad for the problems. But Mom needs help, and Dad does not need to be abused, and it may help him to understand that Mom is ill and confused...unless he already know s that but just does not know what to do about it and has resigned himself. Don't just be neutral. This is not easy and they both need you to assess the situation accurately and take appropriate action.

I have a case sharing, I'm from Malaysia, only child living with my mum, recently she get very sensitive to things happened around her, like her friends' family affairs, seeing her friend's daughter being rude to the mother, she started imagining that I would do the same. She's 62 this year, removed the whole reproductive system 20 yrs ago. So kinda surprised she got this far to have symptoms of dementia,cause the doctor did tell me she might caught it much earlier than normal people. I have a grams who is now 70+ yrs old, and happened to have the same symptoms yrs ago, just can't remember when was it, my uncle is also having a headache trying to talk to my grams, so far, nothing works yet. My mum started drinking a lot lately, and been thinking I am torturing her or never treating her well, and worst, started being violence on me like slapping on my face and so on. She even started worrying a lot about me and my lovely fiancee's future, especially on money issues, putting all future self imagined problems on me that causing me lots of pressure. I'm working self business as IT support in my city area, and the business been said so far so good, and she never tried to listen to how the situation the company is doing. She even bug on me if I doing lots of on-site services, thinking I'm fooling around outside, or seeing me around the house thinking I'm not working but never understand I'm actually working on the client's PC. It's been very hard to communicate with her that she kept on thinking she's experienced enough that she is older than me. And thinking I'm just bull shitting her around the facts that she has a possibilities to get herself bad. I tried to talk to her about all her worries, but she would just deny all of them, but then speak one problem to another in non related sentences, and yet when I tried to explain to her that's the issues related to some of the symptoms, she denied again and claimed I'm not being filial enough or being too stupid to understand. I can tell it's all the same old story she claimed like she used to be all these years. She would now just denied anything i said, and kept on thinking she's right. Whatever worries she brought up, I showed strong proofs to comfort her, she would just still denies, and think the worries are still there. Btw, she's a very strong woman that brought me by herself after my father died, so it's very hard to convince her that she's wrong or tried to explain things to her, cos she would always think she's right, and she would always tried to implement her way of thinking to other people, as well as friends or relatives members, leaving very tight room to breathe. She would now always bringing small matter into big one, like claiming stain on the toilet can be a explosion under the roof. I even tried to look for professionals help her, but to say, no professions known even after looking round the web or asking around hospital and medical center. Just hope she would think seriously over my words, and stop pushing so hard on all of us. Working life is very hard in my country, even for just earning a living or getting married. And now she's adding more and more pressure each day, without a reason, just she thinks, and there comes the WW III.

Vstefans, thank you for your advice. I appreciate that. We have tried everything with my mom. I dont know how this will all play out but it looks like we are all in for an exausting ride.😞

I live with my 86 year old Father and teenage son. My son has issues with severe depression and autism spectrum disorder. We live with my Father in order to help him since my mother's passing. My Father is in general good health for his age. He is 85, no dementia diagnosis, just age related health issues. However, he has become very controlling, says mean things to my son, and almost seems to triangulate and manipulate situations. Compared to other posts I have read, my situation does not seem that bad...but there is something happening with my Dad and I can't quite figure it out. Don't know if Dementia is setting in or if he is just unhappy. He is forgetful and has a deer in the headlights look about him. He constantly hums, and says "ah ha, mhm, ah ha" over and over again constantly. It is very low pitched, and he has a severe hearing loss-will not wear hearing aids though. Don't know if the humming is due to hearing loss or something else. He sits and hums for hours on end-while watching TV, while driving, etc. My Dad has become this mystery person I do not know. I can't communicate with him. Sometimes I think it is the hearing problem, but other times he can't be reached. He stands very firm on beliefs without compromise-even if inappropriate. For example He insists that suicide is a choice made by the weak, people that are cowards. Suicide is a very delicate topic for my son and I, and My Dad (I think) knows this. He says these things in front of my son who has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I don't really feel I know him anymore. Then magically when I think all is changed he is himself again-for a few hours or even a few days. Is this normal for elderly parents or am I seeing the very early stages of dementia? Driving with him is terrifying, but he is good enough that addressing the issue seems out of line. He does things like stopping for a stop sign-but does so with 2-3 car lentgths between his car and the sign. He is very easily distracted while driving. If he see's something off of the road his eyes-and car follow what he is looking at. Had I not been with him to redirect, I am afraid he would have crashed. And he takes risks while driving, such as passing semi's over a double line-speeding, or driving 20 miles an hour under the speed limit. But the lapses in driving judgement are not consistent-some days he drives just fine. I am so confused! He is somewhat borderline on every aspect of his independent living, so I can't make an informed decision to even get him to the Dr. for a dimentia screening. Need help! He is well enough to cast a shadow of doubt on my interpretations of his behavior. Not sure what to do or how to handle this. Feedback requested.

don't wait, say you're taking her to grocery and instead go to the dr and have her seen. There are medicines that can help the nasty behavior. We had to get them for my mom. When she got sick I packed her a back and told her just until she felt better it was too hard for me to go back and forth, but I knew she was never going home and she now lives with us. But its not easy either

My mother is 84 and has terrible bouts of anger. She lost my father 2 years ago and my sister in law took her by force to the hospital psych ward for 3 days. She was being hateful and argumentative. She hates my sister in law now and my brother refuses to have anything to do with her. We have not seen him for 2 years. My mom decided to sell the farm and my brother was extremely upset. My mom insists that my sister in law tried to poison her and messed with her medication. We did manage to take her to a psycharist and he took her off all her depression meds. She says she feels better but she has horrible temper episodes. She hates everybody not just my sister in law. We are all after her money according to her and people at church dont like her and thinks she is crazy. All she wants to do is to talk about my sister in law and brother and how we dont understand why she is so upset. She has no interest in life and only goes out of the house to shop for groceries. My sister is to the point that she no longer wants to visit mom. We took her to Kohls for shop and she threw a fit that my sister went to the Amherst store. The manager there was not nice to my when she returned something and now she wont set foot in the store and my sister tried to take her there on purpose. She is really out of control. When she looses it she is upset for weeks. She is reallhy getting on all of my siblings nerves. She lets us have it too on occation if we dont do as she wants us to do. I can relate to the other people telling of their ageing parents and their anger issues. Mom has not been diagonised with anything but she has something. Karen in Elyria

Anyone have a mom with homicidal fantasies due to taking venlafaxine??? I finally weaned her off of it and she is doing much better. The only meds she is on are blood pressure twice daily, insulin at bedtime and baby aspirin. But now I see her Alzheimer symptoms more clearly..the sundowning, the repeating, the focusing on one thing and getting agitated....but she goes in and out of it. Dr appointment coming up in two days..she will be checked for a urinary tract infection as well...
Best to all--

Dear Confusedzoz- I was reading your post and it reminded me of exactly how my mother is ( age 78) She has been diagnosed with dementia but is in denial. She had a stroke in 2014, and we had to move her in with us. We were told not to give her advil, since the NSAIDs make the brain seep and can cause brain bleeds. I notice my mother has good days and bad days. She is even combative, in her dismissive way. Belittling me at a luncheon,complaining about a server, being upset about me making decisions for her, etc. Most of the time she sits in front of the TV and does nothing.When I do try to take her somewhere, she takes forever getting ready, and it is upsetting being late or in a rush constantly because she has no concept of punctuality! I don't know what to do, but I can't live with her anymore. I have told her she needs to find a senior facility, but she won't move out. She has the finances to live in a facility, but she won't initiate the search. I tried but it ended up a huge battle and I looked like I was forcing my mother to move. She needs to be in a better place where she can make friends and be with people her age with similar likes. It is sad to see her just vegging in front of the TV day after day.

My boyfriend gently pointed out that not only was I reporting bad days taking care of Dad with dementia and mean Mom but was still talking, reacting days later. He's been a good listener and has shared some good ideas with me, some of which I've taken to heart. Example: Mom sticks up for brother who is verbally abusive and threatening to sisters, even her and Dad at times. He hides my things that I have left at parents or a wall plaque I'd given to Dad, just to annoy me. When ask Mom where is ___, she just says I dont know. I try not to sink to their level with yellng so I wrote a note to this sib, stating the plaque was a gift to Dad and I want it back. He happened to come over while I was there so I noticed the note gone but he hadn't said anything. So I calmly repeated what the note had said. He said I don't like that thing. So I said I want it back, or the $15 and Id get another one. He said he'd give me the $15 and if I bought another, that one would disapear too. He is very much against having a home care person in the home twice a week for four hours, which I arranged and that is one reason he is so mean to me, I know. Other reasons are unknown but that doesn't matter. My mom has yelled at me- I know you hate coming here. I just repeat I'm here to see you and Dad and to help out. She does think since I'm retired I should be a dutiful daughter and be here much more than a late afternoon over nite thru day thru morning each week. I feel I am doing fine for them. She doesn't like having outsiders for help either. When she complains, I tell her we love them and want to help but we need outside help to do it all. Another sib said we can be there a lot in an acute situation like if someone is in hospital but can't maintain that level indefinitely. A sib is there every evening thru next noon and some days all day. So the two days of home care does help a lot. Brother has disappeared w/o warning from care for weeks and months at a time so we need to keep up extra help for when he's gone or someone is ill or takes a vacation. And just because we need the help.

Me again. I can relate to so much people have said on this question. Mom and Dad haven't had the best marriage in long time. Recently Dad told me I know your mother loves me but she doesn't show it. Mom took care of clothes and food for us kids but never did show much of affection or tell us positive things. Would say things like I don't brag about my kids to anyone - they'll just go and do something bad anyway. Recently screamed that your dad only pays attention to you kids. He doesn't pay attention to me. This is not true. And Mom often berates Dad for spilling things or wetting himself. We know they both have a rough life now - Mom has bad arthritis in one hip - and thats why we're there to help and show our love. The more we do the more she complains - about our cooking or how we do something different from her way like cutting up the leaf lettuce after washing instead of leaving whole. She complained about that last one for weeks! She complained when I dusted all her shelves of items and didn't put all back in exact original spot. So I no longer dust, except Dad's room or maybe the TV. When she said something about dusting, I said O you have such a special way of doing that, better that it's one of the things you do yourself. She said didn't want home care person to cook for them. So I don't cook when I come evening after home care is there. If she says anything, I will say that's one of Lisa's jobs for the day. Mom said she'd like regualar housecleaning so I said I'd be happy to look into it, but she said she wanted to do that. over three weeks now and no housecleaning. So I clean up the kitchen and Dad's bathroom and laundry when there but letting her figure it out as she wished. Home Care does vaccuum Da';s bedroom and living room as I requested as light housekeeping and to keep dust down due to Dad's COPD. Twice a week would be best but Mom fussed about that, even after I and other sibs explained reason several times. We can't be there to monitor when at she tells her to do or not to do (tho one of use checks in weekly). I am trying to choose my battles so I can be mentally healthy and maybe Mom will realize she can't complain and get her way all the time. Last week, when I'd been there 2 days and was planning to leave as usual by 9 am, she asked me to take her to get bloodwork done, which the doc had ordered 3 weeks before but whne I suggested it, she never wanted to go. I said I'd be happy to take her when I come next week.

My mother has been through a lot the last year . Her mother passed away and my father her husband passed away suddenly 4 months after her mothers passing . It was a shock for all of us . I am still trying to grieve but my sibling and I have been taking care of my mother . I have help her with all legal and financial issues since my father passing . My mother has never has to playbills so I created a spreadsheet and help her figure out what is due and when. She get a nice pension and social security from my dad. My mother has always been a loving kind woman . But she has changed drastically in away unimaginable.. A few months after my dad passing she started disappearing not coming home , pretending her car broke down a few times out of he week . She doesn't answer her phone she fears some one is watching her . She went out of town to visit her sibling she had an episode there where she disappeared her sibling could not find her . My mother called my brother from some ones phone and told her some one was chasing her and trying to attack her .. He drove 10000 mile to find her . She was walking the streets .. My brother finally got a call from a hospital and she was severely dehydrated and they had to hold her down to help her .. She was in hospital for 3 days . When she got back her hair was dyed to a drastic color and she had cut it really short. Normally she would not do that . When she got back to her home she started disappearing again so my sibling and I were very worried about her and called 911 to report her missing . A day later they found her driving and pulled her over . She constantly thinking people are following her trying to hurt her . She has been through at least 20 phones because she breaks them because she thinks someone is watching her.
She told me a story about some man she though possed her and that's why she is being hateful...
She was telling one of my sibling that they were the devil because they gave our father CPR.. She started putting garlic all over my sibling room . She would pick random fights with her.. I think she even used to put something in my sibling food she was really sick for a while . She finally had to move my sibling could no longer stand the mental abuse. She says stories that my dads still alive.. Then my mother started threating us that she was going to get us all fired from out jobs she started saying horrible thing . it is so very sad We love out mother . But we offered to take her to consoler, doctor or a priest ..She gets really angry, and say she doesn't need to go . She lost 100 pounds in a matter of a few months she hardly eats she stays up all out cleaning the house. She also says in the dark , she doesn't like the lights on or windows open . We buy her cloths and food .. She throws it away. Recently my sibling and I went to go visit her . She look dehydrated and stressed we told her to site down and have some water . She was ok for a short while . Then she started saying horrible things that we were going to died of heart dieses calling us horrible names. We told her we are leaving and she needs to get some rest and we love her.. She started to attack myself pulling my hair and punching my face repeatedly .. I was in total shock that she was doing this to me .. She never as physical when I was a child . My sister and I yelled stop mom .. She kept on hitting , knocked me on the floor tried to break my phone .. My sister tried to help my mother bite her twice ... We tried to get in the care she jumped in .. She was punching my sister and pulling her hair .. We finally got in the car and called 911 so my mom could get a mental evaluation.. The parametic and police came and my mother was yelling at police and ran away from them . They had to chase her . It was a horrible situation . My mother then started telling police that we jumped her and she had black eyes . We were in shock :( The police told her that she didn't have any injuring . Then the police asked us if we wanted to press charges we said no just want her to get evaluated. They took my mother to the hospital , but then she didn't want to be there anymore so she had my brother pick her up .. The next day she went to the police station to add more information to the report and then the tried to file a restraining order on both my sister and I .. Gosh this has been so sad my mother is putting us through such a hard time .. We had to go to court and I would not believe the things she was saying about us it was so sad and hurtful She was accusing us of so many thing, saying we tell her she an awful mother . We have never ever said that we love out mother so much .. We had out aunts and uncle go to support us they were very sad how our mother as being . She did a strange thing in court she was wearing a very short black dress( she never wears cloths like that ) Then we had a 15 min break and she changed to a red dress.. We thought that was odd.. The judge denied her restraining order and told her she could be in charge of battery . He told my mother that she is to stay 100 yards away from our work and cant not harass us in any way.. the judge asked us how long we want the order for.. We told him all we want is my mom to get some kind of help we are worried about her .. Its so sad this is all happening we were all so very close , we used to have mother daughter spa days , lunch and shopping .. Its so sad it like we have lost both parents .. My mother and my brother have been living in hotels for a month. The mortgage company called me that my mother hasn't made a payment in 3 months she is close to foreclosure.. I'm getting calls from bill collectors that the not paying her accounts . I'm so worried about her . Found out today by a friend that she talked to relator to sell the house . My sister want to try and buy it before it forecloses.. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and I want to help her but she makes it so hard . Does anyone have any suggestions ? I have been praying and praying for some kind of help for my mom ... Does any one have any suggestions

What the heck does your brother think he's playing at? Your mother seems to have had a complete mental and emotional collapse. Moreover, she's lost 100lbs in a few months, you say? Really?

She needs to be admitted to hospital for a full work up - psychiatric and neurological. If that weight loss figure is accurate, her doctors will also want to exclude cancer. If you're in touch with your brother, you need to get through to him how much risk he is taking with *her* basic welfare.

My Mom has dementia and is getting more angry and mean every day. I moved her into a senior living apt 3 months ago,in the beginning she was fine. Now she is telling the neighbors we abandoned her, she tells me I told my kids not to visit her. She makes accusations that people go into her apartment and steal her money. She tells everyone I don't give her any money. She tells me she wants to die. All these things are to get a reaction out of me. I do my best to change the subject, because sometimes you can and she forgets she was being mean. It is such a horrible disease and there should be something that can be done. It tears families apart and makes people suffer from all the strange behaviors. I hope they come up with something because medical science making people live longer than they are suppose to isn't working. Once their mind is gone it makes no sense to make them and everyone around them suffer.

I have a personal policy of no home equity loans, but in an emergency I can say I'd understand. Mom can't, she sees it as dangerous and she feels she has lost her security in life. I had to keep a few secrets from my mom in the process too, and I do feel sad for you and for her that the information leaked. She may be softening a little if she agreed to the deed change - maybe at some point she might grasp that you did it BECAUSE you love her and needed to make sure she could have good care and you can show her have set up finances such that the first thing paid automatically every month is the loan. But to her the emotional hurt is that it was done against her will and it scares her PLUS it brings home the reality that she is not able to be in charge. Because she canot be realistic, she is devastated at this news. It rocked her whole world. This will take time, with her seeing that nothing bad is happening because you did this. I feel the hurt you are going through, but again remember she is lashing out because of her insecurity and feeling so threatened and afraid.