Help- Mom is becoming mean and hateful and unreasonable.

Karina,
My mom's new doctor (I moved her to a senior specialist) helped me out a lot. I got more out of that one visit than all of the other doctor visits. Anyway, they referred me to the Alzheimer's Association (they help with all sorts of memory problems) and the visit was a God send. The first thing they told me was that my mom had lost any capability to reason or make decisions, she can only act on feelings and beliefs. They can't remember what happened a few minutes ago but they have long term memory so that is what they remember and when we try to get them to do something all they remember is when they could do it themselves. We have to keep this in mind when speaking to them and say things like "lets get ready to go out to eat, I'll go take my bath and you can take yours" It is still hard to apply that to every situation but it helped me see another way.

I think I may sit down, look her in the face, tell her you love her and ask her what would make her happy. Say "what can I do to make this right for you and me". See what she says. Tell her you want your days together to be good days and your willing to try and make it right! As Dr Phil says, "do you want to be right or happy"! Even though we are 100% in the right we may have to back up and let them know we are listening to what has hurt her or frightened her or made her so upset. I'm sure she has told you many times but acknowledge you hear her and let her know your sorry if you upset her, hurt her, made her feel you were not putting her best interests first, (even though you did) just try and sympathize with how she feels even though she may be wrong. At her age and state of mind you will never convience her you were in the right, honest, whatever. Just say your sorry and want to make it right! Then go beat your pillow!

Dear, you have done nothing wrong. You are an only child left with the sole responsibility of her care. You did what you needed to do not only for your Mother's best interest but yours as well. You mentioned that your Mother has never been a independent person by relying on your father.
Be thankful that you have legal Power of Attorney.
First you not only have the ability to take out the equity loan, but you do not need her permission to deed your home over to you and your husband. Most POA's state " to convey property". It is my advice that you move forward with getting the deed and secure your home. The reason this is so important is because if indeed your Mother is suffering from Alzheimer's or the symptom of dementia, then there is a greater chance you may have to place her I. A long term facility. Most states have a 2-5 yr law regarding the transfer of property . Thus being said, if your not careful, the long term facility can and will trace back any property that has been in her name and take c control of it and see it for her care, on top of her monthly pension s.
Please look out for your interest. It sounds you have been so concerned with her care and making her happy that you have neglected your own security.
Also, sit your Mom down, tell her that you love her and that you have provided for and made sure her future needs have been placed before your own. Explain to her that you are her child and she is being very selfish by not wanting you cared for . Explain to her what can happen if she were to be placed in along term facility.
Ensure her that you intend to continue caring for her and looking out for her best interest. HOWEVER, enough of the childish selfish behavior . DO NOT invite her brother or anyone else in the family to discuss or have input on your POA. You were chosen when she and your father were in their right minds. I fear if the family gets involved that there will be trouble because greed will rear it's ugly head. You did mention that the property you have is quit valuable.
Consider hiring someone who in no way is connected to your family to assist with her care since she is having a "pouting". Bout. This is not uncommon when elderly people feel they have little to no dear vision making or control in their lives. This is not your fault. Had your Mother been more independent then she may have been living a full active life after your father's death.
Please don't think I'm being g mean, but I have been where your at and as long as you continue to allow her to treat you this way, she will.
You mentioned traveling with your husband. Once you find a dependable person you trust with her car, go visit your husband for a week. I bet this will bring things in t o prospective for her once she sees you are not going to allow her to live what is left of your life.
I hope it helps. But please dear don't allow her to make you miserable over choices she maddening ago by not being independent. If it is do to a. Illness( lack of dependence), the. By means dear, the ball is In your court.
Hang in there. It may not hurt for you to speak to your priest about recommendations for assistance with care givers. You seriously need a break if your feeling guilty and in tears.

just found this site -- feeling better already by reading other's experiences!

I was looking for a therapist. I can't change how my MIL acts, so I have to change the way I react to her -- which is NOT easy. In trying to explain to people that her meaness and manipulation is NOT part of the aging process that she's always been that way they look at me like I have 3 heads because "she's just the sweetest old lady they've ever met". She's been a pathological liar her entire life, but aging has left her with a problem of not being able to keep up with her lies. At first I thought the best thing to do was confront her about what she tells other people, but have found she just lies to us that she never said those things. (Although the other people are left believing it's all true). . What I know is true is the mother has targeted everyone in her daughter's life, because she doesn't have the courage to target her own daugther. (who is adopted, but never told she was adopted -- which is a whole different story) She has manipulated everyone in her daughter's life, until they leave her daugther and then she wants to be their friend. It's really sick. Recently I told my spouse I can't do this anymore -- it's too painful Which what I really ended up doing was hurting my spouse -- leaving her to feel like she's all alone with this situation. She's an only child. She's upset because I get hurt in the process and logically I know it's "not about me", it's about her mother's behavior it's still very painful.

Sooooo.....after a few days of feeling like a lousy human being I decided I would TRY a different approach. We'll use the aging process as an excuse for her bad behavior and I'll try to deal with it as if it's a medical condition, instead of a personality problem.

The only thing it changes is how I look at the problem --- I just hope that's enough to deal with it better. :-(

Dad died about seven years ago after being diagnosed with bladder cancer; then suffered a long slow death because he did not want any surgery. Anyway, my mother's been alone ever since. Insists on staying in the house because your father worked very hard to make this possible. Several years ago she had a serious surgery (gastro-intentestinal) ended up in rehab for a month before returning to her home. We engaged an aid to come in two days a week to take her for her hair and shopping and do some light housekeeping. My sister and I have tried to keep her comfortable;she does the bills and I take care of appointments and keeping up the properties. Two other brothers stay clear for the most part because mom pushes us away. She stopped driving because she never took the rehab seriously and lost strength in her legs. Well she had become very isolated from freinds and family. Will not call or write. Stopped cooking and baking (except for herself). She's 88. Angry that her body has betrayed her. She accuses us all of removing things from the house, thinks the house is no longer hers, thinks we threw out all her bras, are restricting her mail, and dwells on all the people who've done her wrong. The big issue recently is that she will not let my sister help her. My sister is crushed because my mother has never let my sister, the youngest, be close. My mother would rather call neices and female neighbors for needed tasks. Constantly insists my sister is too busy with her own life when my sister would like nothing more than to help .

Thank you Cattails. Just to know someone has a sympathetic ear helps. I found out that we can get a home psychiatric visit that won't interfere w/ Hospice. As if aging, mental illness, juggling meds for different diseases and immobility were not enough, we have to keep on top of who covers what and make sure there is no overlapping of services so we don't loose what we have. As daunting a challenge as this is, I do find that the discoveries I make help others and that makes me feel like there is a silver lining.

Je: I think your approach to the drugs is wise. Take you time and add things slowing so you can be sure if they are working or not before adding something new. I feel for you and know you are doing your best. I don't know what kind of doc your mom sees, but maybe some one who specializes in dementia might give you a faster track to the help you need.

You are a wonderful daughter and I understand your concerns about abandoning your mom at this time. See it through a while longer. Make sure she has a full evaluation for dementia by someone who knows how to treat it. Get a referral from her doc if needed.

I think you have a good heart and a good head for the problems you and your mom are facing. I'm sorry your sibs are no help, but sometimes it's just better to accept that and move on. Hanging onto any hope of them seeing things differently is probably a waste of your valuable time.

Please keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

I find that when mama is 'mean', sarcastic, hateful - she isn't mama. It's like something else takes over and she becomes a totally different person. Most of the time, the next morning or the next day, she doesn't even remember it. She is hallucinating more often than not now. Seeing snakes. Odd coincidence though, she never see's them when we go out - only at home --- and only in the places that were "daddy's place", like in his chair in the living room, his bed in the bedroom, his side of the table in the kitchen. The antipsychotic drugs like risperdal and seroquel send her into a zombie like state as they are toooo strong for her system. Gave her 1/2 seroquel and ended up in the ER. Physc nurse there advised to cut back her 100mg dose of zoloft to 50mg and add 2mg of abilify. She's been on it for one week and her mood seems lighter and happier during the day but she's still seeing snakes at night. To the point that she's crying and shaking from head to toe. Her arthritis doc wants to add 30mg cymbalta to help with her pain. Originally it was prescribed as a drug for depression but it didn't have the desired effect I guess so now it is prescribed for blocking arthritis pain. I haven't started her on it yet. Scare too. Waiting till the end of the month and see if the cut back zoloft and 2mg abilify are working any better. I really don't know what to do. I've promised her over and over again that I won't put her in a nursing home but I get little to no help from my siblings who seems to think that is the only place for her. Since she just lost Daddy last December and she is already feeling so alone I feel like I would be abandoning her to die alone in a nursing home. His 88th bday was Oct 2 and I think that and the fact that the 16th would have been their 67th anniversary contributed to this most recent bout of hallucinations. Does anyone know anyother way to help someone through hallucinations without mind altering drugs?

Karenia,

As we are wont to say here in the South,"Bless your heart!" I can so identify with your plight, because I am taking care of my difficult (albeit clear-minded) 84-yr-old mother in my home. What I've learned over the eight years that I've been at this is that she becomes the most mean when she's feeling the most scared and vulnerable. She's always been acid-tongued and selfish, pretty much toward everybody, but this has become exacerbated and been really leveled at me as she has declined physically.

I try to keep that fact at the front of my head when she aims at me, and I stare at her without reply. It's worked a lot of the time!

I agree with Aune. Apologize even though you are not at fault. Then ask your Mom what she thinks the right solution would be. Maybe she isn't even realizing the financial hardship that was placed on you before she moved. In only a week, just picking up groceries, paying a phone bill, all the little things add up. Airline tickets added in the mix would be an eye opener if she has forgotten about that. It will at least open lines of communication and start the forgiveness process and rebuild the trust.

I am the daughter of my 82 year old mother she is 83 today. It has been very difficult and trying. My mother did not raise me. She left when I was seven years old. While she was away she never sent my grandparents funds to take care of me and my brother. All during my childhood I never had any stability in my life I was constantly going from one place to another. When she returned home I did not want to live with her because there was no relationship. In fact I did not like her, I hated her because she abandoned me. All during my adult years our relationship was on and off again. She was gambling and never could keep a decent place to live. She was always evicted from her rental and she was a hoarder. The last place she lived was deplorable. She did not pay her water, lights or gas and she is sick. She has a degenerated hip, and she is enemic. The last apartment she lived I had to remove all her furniture because the doctor said she could no longer take care of herself and he placed her in a nursing facility. Now I am the worst person in the world. I have taken care of her during her illness and now she curses me and tells me she does not want me to be her caregiver. Every time I visit her in the nursing facilitiy she wants to argue but I refuse and walk out. I am so hurt I realize she was not a mother to me but I wanted to do all I could to make her fill comfortable but not it is at the time I really do not want to have anything to do with her. I have told her through the years I had forgiven her but she acts as if I am her enemy. I give up she make my blood pressure excelerate and my stress level makes me very sick and since the psychologist told me not to come back I have not and I feel so relieved.

Thank you for your kindness & love! My husband & I have 6 grandchildren & love all of them equally! We have 5 children, 3 of our own & we adopted 2! We love all 5 the same!

God Bless you!

M1953: I just want to send you my love and best wishes. I am relieved to hear you have detached from your parents. It had sounded like you were still doing for them in spite of all the evil actions of your mom.

I could tell you so many stories of people (my husband's family...his mom) who stayed tied to parents who were abusive. Eventually there was nothing to show for it.

I am constantly amazed at how some people can be so sick. I think calling them sick is a kindness. The harm they do to their children is beyond belief and that they can cause it, watch all of it going on, and continue to orchestrate it is something no one it their sensible or loving mind can understand.

Live you life and embrace your sister. Thank God you have each other. Leave the rest to God and wash your hands of it. Blessings to you and your sis. I hope you have years of happiness ahead of you. You will be wonderful Grandparents someday. Hugs, Cattails

Yes, my sister & I have detached from our parents, partly because we are really tired of being treated poorly & partly because we have to for our own healing, there is nothing in it for us, absolutely nothing but hurt! To be around our mother you have to be able to act like she does, we refuse to, therefore we are treated awful! The rest of them do it for the money! My husband told my mother he didn't want her money, has never wanted it!

M1953: I read some of your old posts and also one from your sister. My heart goes out to the both of you. I hope you realize that your mom is mentally ill and always has been. It seems like now she plays you against each other and loves to cause as much hurt as possible. The letters to your daughter are just another example of her twisted mind and hateful spirit. It's not your fault or your sister's fault. It's just the way your mom is and always will be.

Would it be possible for you to eliminate contact with your parents? I would assume that the 2 youngest would step in. Sometimes people stay tied to the abuse due to the possibility of inheritance or because they just want that parent to give them the love that has always been missing. Sometimes it's both and other reasons too that are hard to explain.

It sounds like you and your sister have married wonderful men and had wonderful children. I commend you on making a good life for yourselves. Maybe some counseling would help you detach from your mom.

Love and best wishes, Cattails

Sorry about that, I grew up in the country & talk a lot of country! I am one of 5 children, the middle, my sister that is also being treated crappy, is the eldest daughter, number 2 child. My siblings, a boy & girl that are the two youngest & a boy that is the eldest, which are the ones that are egging my mother on. What I mean by saying "egg my mom on" is that they condone & are really happy about my mother threating myself & my sister terrible, because they think that by holding up for her lies & behavior, that they will get more in the end! When I am in my mother's presence, she hugs me, gives me a kiss, visits, seems happy to see me & my husband, treats my sister & her husband the same way, in their presence. When my husband & I are around my mother & dad by ourselves, my mother will bad mouth my sister & her husband, as well as the rest of my siblings & their families, it is a horrible & I think it is a sickness! I always stand up for them, which aggitates my mother. The things she says about them is horrible & totally a lie! When my mother would give the same sister a phone call, she will bad mouth me & my husband, say horrible things about me, actually stating that I was having an affair with a young man that dated our daughter, which really hurt my feelings! Then my mother wrote my daughter, which I am in posession of the letters, which are horrible, actually stating that I had an affair with my brother in law, my youngest sister's ex-husband. None of either of those stories are true & what her fascination with affairs is about, I don't have a clue, it is really warped! My mother wrote to my daughter stating that I had lied about a blood test result on my dad, which I didn't. This happened 2 years ago tomorrow! What happened was my husband & I always took them to the doctors, every time we went with them, my mom would insist that I go in with them, stating that they didn't always understand or hear everything. Always after the appointments, between my mother & I we would notify the other siblings of the results. On this particular appointment, my dad had a test result come back with a positive result on the report that my mom claimed didn't happen. So the 3 siblings that are treating me & my sister bad, are going along with my mother that the test result wasn't positive. I don't have access to the doctors reports so I can't prove anything. They don't want anyone to know what he has. My husband & I asked my mom what we could do to fix this mess, she said I had to apologize for lying & tell everyone that I told about the test result, which was only my siblings, that it was a lie! I have a real problem with that as I didn't lie, I know what the doctor read, my mom was busy running her mouth while the doctor was trying to read the report to them. My dad heard what he read as he asked the doctor what could be done & he told them due to his age, in his 90's, that nothing could be done. However my dad can't remember 2 minutes later what someone has told him, so I don't even have his support! My husband & I discussed the results on the way home with my parents, I called my siblings like I always did, but after the fact my mom said she didn't want any of them to know what the results were, well she should have told me before the fact! So that is why my mom is so upset with me, I was supposed to read her mind & know that this one time out of hundreds, not to tell my siblings about the report! My dad can't help what he has, it is nothing he did wrong, it is just something that has happened to him due to environment!

Hope you kind of get what I am talking about now!

M1953, Wow - I can relate to a lot of this in different ways. I don't have time right now to completely respond to your post - but could you please explain to
me what you meant by your siblings egg your mom on? Also, when U say that your mom treats U good to your face and then U get the crappy feedback latter -can U explain? Does the crappy fb come from your mom or your siblings latter.
Thanks again for your response to my post.

I know exactly how you feel, my sister & I are in the same boat! I know that doesn't help you, I am so sorry you are going through that with your mom! Our mom is a narcacist, if you look that up you will see exactly what I am talking about! Our siblings, 3 of them, egg our mother on & are in the height of their glory as they have convinced her that she is doing what is right! For 25 years, well my whole life from age 8 or so on, I have helped my parents! I am now 59! But when I left home & married I continued to go down & help them! When my mom could no longer grow a garden, I have even grew gardens & canned goods for her, for all the rest to enjoy at family get togethers, taken them to doctors for years, mowed & weed eated their yard for years, they are on a farm, so very large yard, done the family Thanksgiving & Christmas meals, when mom could no longer do that! Ours is money related, our siblings think they will get more in the end if they turn mom against us & they might be right! For years, when mom would give me some token, she would say "you'd better take it because it may be all you get!" I would laugh at the time, not knowing what she meant! We too struggle with wanting to be a good person & love mom at the same time, I don't think anyone can take your love away from you, however loving someone & being treated like crap at the same time is very difficult! Our mom would treat you fine to your face, then you get the crappy feedback later! The only way we have been able to deal with all this is to stay away from her! My prayers go out to you! Hang in there! Only you will eventually know what to do, no one can tell you what to do, whether to stay in the mess or get out!

Tonight, after an argument with my mom, I am feeling a little hopeless. I'm believing that the one (me) who has done the most is continuing and progressivley being treated the worse. I struggle with wanting to be a good person and love my mom and continue to help her or just throw in the towel. Sad - and my two siblings could probably care less.

Izreal48: Ok, I'm with you now. I got you confused with Karena, the person who made the original post above. I'm so sorry. How confusing it must have been for you. Listen, kiddo, I am so relieved that you have/are seeing a counselor and I think she gave you excellent advise, "No matter if they beg you, don't go back." Life has much better things in store for you. Hang on to your faith and keep love in your heart. I'm sure you still worry about the family situation, but you can't save anyone but yourself. So do that and stay with the therapy. Send me a post on my wall and let me know how things are going. Blessings and Best Wishes.

Yes, my brother, his girlfriend and my brothers two children are definitely self destructing. Our mother is going to just have to live out the rest of her elderly life in chaos and neglect. They all live in moms twice refinanced house and moms SSI is keeping the roof over all their heads. I'm thankful to be free of all the drama and pain of the family dysfunction and even though it doesn't seem fair what happened to me through it all, I just go with the Lord's will and take care of myself and let forgiveness take over. My counselor told me that no matter how much my family tries to plead with me to take back the caregiving of our mother to just say, no way. I find that easy to do and am enjoying the peace in my life. I do not feel free to say where I am living as I am keeping it a secret for my own protection. My sister has been trying to get me to reveal where I live but I just say that I found a perfect roommate situation and that I could in no way return back to moms house under no terms or conditions. Now that the family knows and admits that I was not the bad person that they accused me of, I still have not regained the trust I need to be part of the family circle any longer. I never said that I was an only child at all. I have two brothers and one sister. A deceased dad that suffered with alcoholism for as long as I can remember and a very sick mother. She suffers with dementia and is an insulin dependent diabetic. Mom can not learn how to check her own blood sugar levels or give her self insulin shots. The stroke she had last March left her partially blind and she suffers short term memory loss. She has not driven a car since the stroke and is totally dependent on others for her necessities. Mom is in severe denial about her medical needs and is irrational, angry, and bitter.
And yes I was thrown out by the police that I myself called for help. The policeman and police woman that came to my call told me to leave and not come back because the house belonged to my mother and she no longer wanted me to live there. The police persons estimation was that mom did not have dementia and was very much a rational person. They decided that during a 5 minute interview and would not listen to me at all. I felt that the officers were pressuring me to get angry so that they would have a reason to arrest me. But I stayed calm and just went along with their orders to leave mine and my moms residence. I lived in my car for a few days until I found a new home.
Thank you for your concern! My service in the Marine Corps certainly gave me the strength I needed to get through tough times. Although, I do admit that I did shed quite a few tears and sometime I still get worried about the family situation. I just manage to stay focused on positive things and keep faith in the Lord's gooodness and unfailing love.

I can see that the past years have been a difficult struggle for you and from what you said, it seems like you have tried legal means to get matters resolved and that has failed. Maybe it is time to save yourself and leave the brother (is this a step-brother, as I thought you said you were an only child?) and family to self destruct.

Am I understanding this correctly: You were living in a house that was free and clear and then purchased a 2 bedroom close by for your mom? Which house is your mom and brother in now? It sounds like you were thrown out of the house you were originally living in. Where are you living now?

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get some help in coming to some acceptance of this unfair situation.

The property I spoke of is my mother's house even though it has been remorgaged twice and the value is now not worth what one could sell it for in this market. Even though my mother made a will and made me the POA, when the cops came out to settle a dispute between me and my brothers girlfriend (she would not remove her car from my spot in the driveway) the cops made me leave and never come back (unless it was just to get my posessions). The reason that the cops gave me to make me leave my home of fifteen plus years, was that my mother no longer wanted me living with her and since they spoke to her personally they could see no evidence of any dementia that I had told them about. At the time it was so soon after her release from the psy hospital that I did not have the papers in hand to give the cops the doctors evaluation of her condition. The report said that mom should not be left at liberty, a risk to herself and others, very poor judgement, dementia, can not take care of herself, , and find a nursing home placement...
When I was able to get the Psy Eval on moms condition I was able to read what my brother had told the hopsital evaluators about me (that I was only putting mom in the nut house in order to take over her home because I am a spiteful person out to harm mom). My brother promised that he and his wife (not a wife but his girlfriend, he lied to them) could take care of mom and that he intended to get me out of the house and out of the way. Since the two of them plus brothers children (girl age 17 and boy age 14) moved in, they have been living off mom's social security, drinking (alcoholism DUI problems, fighting, making the kids fearful, and threatening to move out and leave mom alone because they can't take it anymore. But they can't afford to move! And moms rage and health issues have not got any better. She keeps insisting that she is getting over the health stuff and going back to work. That she can feel the stuff leaving her body and that she's not going to keep going to doctors that are only out to kill her with all that dope that they are giving her to take. It's a long story and I feel that I did all I could possibly do and put myself in harms way also in order to make my moms life better but I was up against too many obstacles to try to manage things further.
The house is mortgaged in mothers name and the value of propertys is probably at a break even point if it were to be sold (because of the refinancing that was done on the loan at two differents times) and she has only $1,035.00 per month to live on (SSI) and the house payment is $790.00 per month.
My brother/moms son (current resident) is only working when he has a job come his way (fence building), girlfriend is unemployed, his daughter 17yr old quit her job to keep an eye on the 14 yr old boy/son since he got in trouble for theft at a CVS store (shoplifted condoms) and police also fould a marajuana pipe on him and his shoplifting friend.
My mom needs real help and all she has is more worries and more burdens. But in her frame of mind I do not believe that she would be able to recognize real help even if there is such a thing out there. It's definitely not CPS or APS!
That service is just a joke but I can understand that the system is so backed up with similar problems or maybe even worse problems and that theres no real hope for hurting families. My brothers (moms son and live-in care giver) children have been in foster care due to their mothers meth addiction and the state put the children into grandmothers care after a year or so and then meth mom s mother (grandmother) signed the kid back over to real dad (my brother, abusive alcoholic, DUI problems) and now all that senario is living in my mothers disfunctional/sick house. I feel the most remorse for the teenage children and all they have been through and still going through but the system is flawed so what can anyone do about that mess.
My POA was not worth the paper it was written. And guardianship court (moms atty ad lidem from the mental health warrant) decided that mom was not in need of a guardian because she was not bed ridden and still too ambulatory and could care for herself. The whole system drama was very contradictory and a huge waste of my time and energy. DADS is a hopeless cause too!
When my mother dies it will probably be because of the faulty system and the proverbial falling-thru-the-crack reason. And alot because of her own mental dysfunction and lack of proper care.
I've done my utmost best and I feel no guilt....for whatever happens. Because a person can only do so much and then it time to give up!

Karina: I'm confused about something. Why is the house not in your name to begin with? Was it always in your parents names? Did you need to put them on the deed in order to qualify for a refinance and get your mom settled in her new place while you waited for her house to sell? If your mom in on the deed to your home, how is it that she didn't have to ok a line of credit? It would seem that all parties that have a titled interest in a property would have to approve a lien against it.

I've no doubt that you have been a good and faithful daughter, but it would help me to better understand your situation if you could answer the questions I've put forward. Of course, you don't have to do that. I'm just trying to understand. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

I understand your dilemma completely. Trying to do the right things and getting beat up for caring and helping! It's no fun being in the position of caregiver when things get misunderstood and the false accusations get extremely overwhelming.
Countless hours are spent on numerous tasks that are involved in being a caregiver and even though the reward of caring for a loved one is priceless the flip side of the reward can have a devastating effect on the care givers health and mental state if the care giver does not get enough respite care for him/herself.
I have recently been in this position with my elderly mom following her stroke last year. Prior to the stroke she was hard to reason with and very angry most of the time. Having had a life of more downs than ups made her very fearful and resentful. Hardly having a kind word to say about anyone and blamed most everyone for the problems in her life and her main attitude being that she was always right and everyone else was stupid and on their way to hell.
When she started refusing to go to her doctor or take the necessary life saving medicines for her diabetes (insulin,etc...), which she could not remember to do or learn to do on her own because of the dementia, I had the responsibility to try to make sure that her health matters were looked after. She raged at her primary doctor on one visit which caused the doctor to order a risk assessment to which my mother refused to go through. I learned about getting a mental health warrant from the court system and pursued that option to my own detriment because when the other family members learned that mom was being evaluated in a psychiatric hospital then I automatically became the ugly monster of the family when there was no one else helping me with her needs. (Since it was I that shared the residence with mom then I suppose the other family members thought it was all my responsibility and were in complete denial about mom's mental and physical condition). No matter how much I shared with others about the situation it seemed to fall on deaf ears. APS was no help at all and in-home health would not help after my mother angrily ordered them to not come back again.
Needless to say, it got very traumatic and my alcoholic brother threatened me so much that it made me flee my home of fifteen years and he and his girlfriend moved right in and took over the caregiving. It wasn't a month later that I was getting a call from them begging me back! No, I didn't fall for it! The relief I got from being out from under the craziness was so great that wild horses couldn't drag me back into the insane asylum. The caught between a rock and a hard place in no fun place to be and it can definitely take its toll.
My brother and his girlfriend and his two children are still caregiving for mom in moms house and the report I get is that it gets very volitile on a regular basis. I refuse to call APS any more because that process was futile in the first place. And besides that I really can't think of any nursing home that could manage my mothers mental condition even if she would agree to be placed in one. Mom is still ambulatory enough to leave a nursing home at will and has threatened to come back and haunt us kids if we were ever to put her in one.
Love sometimes has its limits and I certainly found mine.
God bless to all that find their self in an unhealthy caregiving environment and good luck finding proper help for the mentally unstable and hard to love loved ones!!!

this site really helps me a lot since i now face an elderly friend who's like a dad 2 me. he has no real family, & his verbal abuse is so bad i now suspect he chased away an old flame from long ago that he told me about. i dont know whether 2 leave him completely alone, or still check on him periodically. tho he appologizes, i soon wised up, realizing he'd do it again.

I have enjoyed reading other's comments. We all think we are unique, but there is a common thread. My aging parents (77yrs) have opened my eyes to a whole new experience starting 1 1/2 yrs. ago. My Dad had a 'minor' stroke: Looking back, I believe my mother had a nervous breakdown. She was then diagnosed paranoid disorder, depression, and dementia ( after calling 911, threatening to shoot anyone who came to the door, and being transported to a mental facility for care). I spent the next three months being told to "burn in hell", and being told she would make me wish I had never be born. After all, since my brother is deceased, I am the only one who was taking her on errands, and taking her to see Dad everyday. She locked herself in the house, kept everything dark. She stopped cleaning, cooking, taking care of herself, even after my Dad got out of rehab. She is on Ambien and drinks alcohol. Great Combo. She also resists any doctor assessing her, and put on the 'good behavior' show, which fools them all. APS (Adult Protective Services) was notified of her actions several times: when they showed up at the house, she politely refused them entry. And that was that. She railed at my father daily that he would be better off dead, and doesn't remember EVER saying those things. She has said she doesn't know why he would have done what he did, because they were having a good day. That was not the case..they were not. Her reflections are that "it was hard at times, but they were doing fine": that was not true either. Her lapses in memory: repeating things over and over, not remembering wether she took her meds (Ambien), her general hygiene, etc..were not normal. But even Dad wouldn't face the facts of what was happening. I am new at this, so have no idea what I am going to do. I DO have a POA, so I guess that's a start.

I too am an only child taking care of a loved one. But the hitch is that I'm caring for my 99 year old grandmother. My mother died when I was 7 years old. I am 50 and actually the only child of an only child. So, I am really it. I am divorced with no children. I moved my grandmother in with me December 2007 after a brief one year stay in an assited living facility. She hated it. Her exact words were, "I don't know why you would put me in a place with all of these insane people." She has a brain tumor and and early stages of dementia but she is amazing. She actually corrects herself when she makes a mistake. It's the unreasonable requests and demands that "drive me crazy." When people ask me how is she, I reply, she's a little bit more of who she has always been! Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, "that older people are from another planet." I'm sure my grandmother has a space ship out back. She is both amazing and amusing. Because my mother has been deceased over 40 years my grandmother forgets that I still have to work and can not shuttle her to appointments. I now have a caregiver that comes in 4 times a week. This is my 3rd person in a year and a half. She accused the last caregiver of stealing a sweater. The caregiver was so distraught she called me crying when the sweater was located. My grandmother swore up and down that the caregiver took the sweater home and brought it back. And told her that "she never needs to step foot in this house any more..." One of the toughest things to see is when my grandmother gets depressed. Just last night she said that she felt useless and didn't know why she was still here. At 99 she has outlived all of her sisters and is the oldest in our very small family. I listened but my heart was breaking along with hers. To say that I am worn out is a extreme understatement. I lover her to pieces though. We've been through alot together. So, tonight when I get home I will see what perceived emergency is in store for me when I arrive.

i count my blessings

Well what happens when you care for a nparent who has not planned for retirement? I made the mistake of moving my mother across the country to live with me. Now I am alone with no spouse and nowhere to go. My significant other simply kept asking when my mother was going to do something? She sits at home all day looks at TV works crossword puzzles, pays for a cell phone for herslf and my felon brother and won't even make a meal for herself. She has a car but won't drive it. All she wants to do is eat, smoke and mess with me. Help!