I have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years. The 1st year was spent flying between my home and my parents to help when Dad became terminally ill. I am an only child, Mom is 77. While Dad was in hospitals and hospice I took care of planing for the inevitable with my Dad, Mom would not accept he was not coming home. Dad had done everthing-the bills, caring for the house,shopping and cooking. Mom has never ever driven and has always been fearfulof...well everything. Just before Dad passed as we were planing what to be done, he told me"Mom is not like she used to be." I asked what he meant by that- he was vague and said she is not social-don't make her leave her house, take care of her. I realzed later she likely has alzheimers- her sister,father both suffered with this disease. she absolutely will not go to be tested. But all the signs are there.The next year was spent flying back and forth to take care of the house and her ect. She was isolated, no friends , no interests,and constantly afraid. some younger neighbors would take her to the grocery store2x a month( which was a bit weird but they had been friendly for years) and that was it unless I flew down. It became clear she was not doing well and I had to do something. I searched for months and found a cute 2 bedroom 1 level house 2 blocks from me.Perfect! We Mortgaged my house which was paid for to buy this house spent endless hours remodeling for her all the while flying her up for awhile then back to Florida. The time to list her house for sale came and i had to gently nudge her along, spent 2 weeks packing and moving her to her new home- it is so cute and perfect! She took a long while to get moved in I tried to let her be in control- but clearly she needed help to decide where to put things ect, she would just sit and worry. So we got it done. Her house in fla sold and we were able to pay everything off. 5 years later she seemed settled. she has a sum of money in the bank good income from pension and ss with little to no bills. I take her everywhere and make sure she gets out for walks and socializing-she does nothing w/out me. i have accepted that and the sacrifices. my husband works out of state in the winter - I am not able to be with him 100% as I have to be here for her- the travel back and forth again is expensive and tiresome-but gotta do it. she still worries so much about everything it is hard to take. sorry so long but that is the condensed version of the past 7 years. So now the newest problem- My house still has my mom and Dads name on it- we just never did anything about it. The house is waterfront and valuable but needed and still needs some repairs and upkeep as part of it is a rental unit. I take care of all expenses and repairs on my home -of course. mom is set her house paid for and all refinished. so 2 years ago I told mom weneeded to change the deed on my house that we needed to borrow to take care of things. We are responsible adults. Nope no way she would not agree -the house was free and clear she wanted it to stay that way. She does not at all understand how things workthese days and is fearful as I said of everything. SO- as I have power of attorney and it is my house - I took out an equity line- wemoved forward and took care of what we needed to do, with the idea of refinancing in 3 years-all good. Well by the slip of a phone call she realized we have an equity line on the house...mind you we have not been late on 1 payment and take care of everything.Mom has gone into hysterics and depression and will have nothing to do w/ me other than to take her to the grocery store- where she asks me to not come in with her. she is being very hateful and hurtful to me. the things she is saying are shocking to me- all I have ever done good has been erased. I am trying to be loving and care for her - but she is making it next to impossible. I cry most days-call her everyday to see she is ok and she gives me one word answers and hangs up when I go over she barely allows me in and then asks me to leave. she has agreed now that we will change the deed.but that is it-she says she will never get over this. I can not live like this it has been 1 month and my heart is broken.She will not go to a counselor or our priest to talk -I have asked- so we can get past this. I do not know what to do. I can not continue this way it is killing my health-hers also. But what do i do? she has a brother in another state- but to sell this house and move her again would likely be too much. please any advice-this is killing me I can not live like this for months much less years.
The problem is, my brother has ditched her and moved to another state, now that her money is gone, and she is so verbally abusive to me that I have had to drop out of school in the past due to trying to care for her previously. I cannot even be around her. She always lobs serious insults and anger, as well as blames me for showing her my brother has taken her money.
I have called adult protective services in that state, and intend to just let things fall apart, but I feel horribly guilty for doing so.
Saw somewhere about someone suggesting they had become a "whipping post." Exactly! They want to lash out @ someone, so the most convenient person is the one most available ................. you! [heard AFTER getting back here that it had been the dog who got beat up before I got here ... poor dog, but had I known that, I'd have known I'd be the next VICTIM, and tho't twice about it ........]
That really does add to the hell ... a counselor said, "Your mother is killing you." But does HUD care? (especially after losing me the first time around, or I'd have had a place a couple years ago! widowed, myself) No.
Sad when HUD denies losing people, tho' they definitely do! I talked to Disability Advocates about helping me get back ON the list from the first time several years earlier; all they said they could do was "help fill out another application." Uh ... not needed ... need "ADVOCACY" about being lost from the list! I'm capable of filling out my own application, thank you ~~ and then had to wait another few years after that for it to open so I could apply again! Seems, suggesting they could "help fill out an application," that Disability Advocates are more used to advocating for people with mental impairment than physical, since otherwise they'd realize that needing help with "filling it out" was not the problem. Seems to have a "standard" answer, suggesting help w/application.
Anyway, it's help living here ... not just bad attitude, but constant name-calling, screaming, tantrums ........................ kept track for over a year to be able to tell HUD how much I'm in need to get AWAY from it all. They ignore it, trying to tell me I'm living normal, "just like everyone else on the list." NO! I'm going absolutely crazy here in this hellish environment. That keeping track showed that these blow-ups happen no less than between 4-5 times each DAY! Some days it might be just 2-3, that's because on other days the "mad" episodes might be 7-8!
As for doctor ... seems the doctor, when I wrote to her, blew it off re demented behavior, things said, etc. She'd just ask questions like, "What day of the week is it?" "Who's the president," and tell her she's "fine." No! She'll even have a tantrum in public, saying things to people she doesn't know that ~~ had we dared say such things when kids ~~ would've made our heads "roll."
Sad, but true.
The hardest thing for me has been accepting the fact that I MUST make some decisions for my mom. If your mother will not see a doctor then she is endangering herself and needs evaluation. Get the help and support that you need (like the oxygen on an airlplane - you first - then the dependent) and TALK TO HER DOCTOR NOW. It seems to me that you are expecting way too much from her - its your time to step up and start helping her..even if that means 'disobeying' her. You must let the role reversal happen - it is in her best interest. Ask her doctor if he/she knows of any eldercare support groups. Start with the doctor as a resource of information.
My mother has been my dependent for 3 years now and the learning curve has been huge. Just two nights ago she vented some anger on me - not like her- and its hard to take. I try to remember that she is frightened because she is losing control of her life. BUT it has taken 3 years for me to have a healthy perspective on our relationship - its not easy AT ALL. You are not alone. Seek support - there is plenty of it out there (Many of my friends are dealing with the same issues.)
Good luck and God Bless both of you! Leslee
When I first moved my Mom here, I did everything for her...I finally figured out that this was not in either of our best interests.
Others above have given you great advice about your Mom and her current state of mind. So, I want to offer you some advice that helped save my sanity:
1) your Mom does not have the capacity now to think rationally, so do not let her hurt your feelings when you are in her presence. Think of her as a neighbor or stranger that you are helping and be firm, calm, and consistent.
2) always make decisions based on what is best for BOTH of you. You cannot put your marriage or your finances in jeopardy.
3) do not move your Mom again. Give her as much time alone as is safe. Hire caregivers who can come to her home and help with errands, housecleaning, and personal care. It will give her a chance to interact with another person and you a breather.
4) at some point, and especially if she becomes a threat to herself, you may have to consider another placement for her either in assisted living centers (many specialize in Alz. care) or nursing home.
5) and last but most importantly: you are an exceptionally devoted daughter who went well above and beyond the call of duty for both your parents. Say that to yourself everyday.
I hope I am not interfering in this discussion but there are a few legal steps you can and should take to keep your home. Contact an elderlaw attorney in your area to find out what can be done - most states have laws that will allow caretakers to retain possession of real estate in situations such as yours. It's probably too late to assume durable Power of Attorney for your mom, since she is apparently not well enough nor willing to assign that responsibility to you, but seeking guardianship may be an option, albeit expensive. You are correct to worry about having to give up your property in the event she needs nursing home care, so don't delay seeking legal advice. Once you apply for Medicaid, you no longer can take steps to protect your assets.
Now, I hope you don't mind if I comment on the emotional turmoil you must be going through. I went through exactly the same thing with my mother. She always had a few problems coping with her life, but nothing extreme, in my estimation, and she and I would always talk intimately about life. However, when she developed cancer (over 1 year ago) and needed full time care while undergoing chemotherapy, she came to live with me and within only a short time became very hateful and unreasonable to me, the only one of her 4 kids who bent over backwards to care for every single one of her extensive medical needs. She is now in an assisted living facility and it is apparent she is declining cognitively, and very rapidly, but I suspected her personality change a year and a half ago may have been due to very early Alzheimer's changes or another form of dementia. I still tend to all of her needs outside of direct care for her, but in spite of this, she has remained emotionally remote from me. There is little I can do to win her back - I've finally accepted this.
I have had no support from siblings at all, and let me tell you, this has been the most trying experience of my life. I am 55, and it is so easy yet to retreat into my role as "daughter" and fear Mom's disapproval, but in fact I need to assume the parental position now.
Your mom can't help the way she is behaving, nor is it your fault. Crowmagnum has given you some pretty sound suggestions when he said there may have been some long term issues that you did not create and cannot fix - these are the very "issues" that become magnified when a loved one begins a cognitive decline. The texts don't tell you this, perhaps because subtle personality change is a difficult thing to measure, but I have heard many family members of Alzheimer's patients report this as an early symptom.
At any rate, the mixed bag of feelings can be better sorted out by realizing that it is illness which is causing your mom to behave this way toward you, and even to fear intervention by her brother. Unfortunately her immediate needs must be dealt with before you can take the time to even grieve, and that is what is so hard. I hope I've helped you somewhat. Reading your story here has certainly put my own situation in perspective, so please accept my thanks. I does help to know when we have company.
Your mother sounds like she's totally out of control. If I were you, I would call her brother, but not tell her you did. I wonder what makes calling him so fearful? Make the call to your uncle and to your mother's doctor from your own house, not hers. You are right to get her name off of your deed for it's your house. Is your name on her deed for the house that you got her?
Frankly, from the evidence you have shared your mother has some long term issues which you did not create; you cannot fix; and you cannot control. All you really can do is select a healthy path for yourself along with telling her what you are and are not wiling to do in order to help her, but that she's going to loose that if she breaks various boundaries which you are going to have to select, set, and have some consequences for. I feel very sorry for you and could only imagine what it must have been like growing up with her as a only child. Was your mother this controlling, fearful and dependent back then? Is your mother's brother older or younger than her.
Don't wait for your mother to go see a therapist, you go see one for yourself because you are the one at a crisis point and need a lot of support.
IMHO your mother having always been fearful of everything and doing basically everything as you described above does sound like she's had problems for years that he sought to compensate for. Now it sounds like you are trying to compensate for those issues and it's about to kill you (excuse my bluntness) as it killed him. Her fearfulness ate him up and it is obviously destroying you.
Have you talked with her brother about this. Is he like her or is he healthier? Asking for his input and help does not have to mean moving her.
All in all, please go find a counselor to get some support and a neutral third party to equip you to help yourself and your mother.