Mom passed away a month ago after battling dementia for about 7 years. I have cried very little. Yes, I miss her; but I am relieved this is over. For the first 4 years of her disease, she lived alone in her home (60 miles from mine). An aide & I shared primary caregiving duties, with assistance from a sister & brother. Then Mom moved in with us for 2 months and it was a disaster. We moved her to an ALF, and her aide continued to help 4 days a week with the 3 siblings each taking another day. That was all good for 18 months until her stroke. After the stroke, she was moved to a NH 75 miles away & was there for her last 18 months. I visited her every Saturday, and now I am questioning if I did that out of obligation & not love. Also during this time a single older brother battled lung cancer & we (3 siblings) did what we could long distance to help him (he was 600 miles away) & his busy daughters. In the end, 2 of us would go down for about 5 days at a time, which meant that every 3 weeks or so I’d be down there. Now I am facing the caregiving issues with my in-laws — she has dementia & he, the primary caregiver, has lung cancer. I am trying very hard to back off & let the more local SILs take the reins. But that shouldn’t affect how I react to my own mom’s passing. She was a wonderful woman and I should be grieving more. What is wrong with me? Am I really that cold hearted?
I lost a very dear friend in January this year. I was there helping his wife two days a week or more. I sat with him and held his hand as he died. When they moved him to the gurney I helped hold him. I thought I was handling it well. In August, I fell apart, I couldn't sleep, cried a lot. My daughter went with me to the doctor for meds to help me sleep. As she said to the doctor, holding it together when I had to, was what made me a good First Responder in my working life. I am ok now. He was only 57 and went inch by inch with Mesothelioma. Thinking about it, my oldest child just turned 54 yesterday. He was a wonderful friend and co-worker he was family.
Please be good to yourself. You probably grieved little by little as your mom went down that long road to the end of this life.
I agree with the others that you have have a moment that triggers some grief. Time to take some time for yourself.
Sore for your loss.
I once read that, when a loved one has a terminal disease, we go through pre-grieving. You've had 7 years of pre-grieving, combined with unmitigated stress. If I were in your shoes, I would be emotionally exhausted; I wouldn't have enough energy left for active grieving.
Dementia is so cruel. We lose our loved ones by degrees. For me, it was hard to remember my "real" mother. Parts of her would come glimmering through from time-to-time, but she truly was changed.
We all grieve differently. It may be that, when you and your family have figured out who will be caring for for your in-laws, you will find your grief. No two people grieve in the same way. Even one person can grieve in different ways, at different times, in response to different deaths.
A social worker who was assigned to my mother's case when she was hospitalized for a systemic fungal infection warned me that, when we lose a loved one, we grieve, not just for the new death, but for every loved one we have lost before. Forewarned is forearmed. Because you are facing so many more terminal illnesses in your family, you may be hit by a great big wallop of grief. A wise friend told me that, when you lose a lot of loved ones in close succession, it's like what happens when you eat spaghetti. You twirl some strands on your fork, convinced that you will end up with a manageable mouthful. Before you know it, that fork is hidden inside a ball of pasta that you can't possible squeeze past your lips and teeth. I've had lots of twirled-spaghetti-style grieving. It helps to know that it's coming. It also helps to know that others have been through it, and we have survived.
Best of luck in working out your family's care-giving needs. Do try to go easy on yourself. You've had years of giving, and your relatives may view you as a forever-giver. You have my permission to stand your ground and set firm boundaries. Please view self-care as your #1 priority.
The last two years have not been easy in claiming my life back, but in some fundamental way my life has changed and that love still exists and has power. It was for me a spiritual peak experience. I share this in case it resonates with your experience.
My dad died of lung cancer almost thirty years ago. I remember only feeling relief that the struggles were over. About six months later was when I was upset. I went to see my pastor and his comment was, You are right on time." He has seen it many times - especially with long- term illnesses. Do whatever you feel you need to do for you now. If you need to grieve more, it will come in its own time. If not, it is because you already have over the many years of slowly losing your mom. Peace.
You're a good daughter
When I mentioned my lack of emotion about deaths to someone many years ago, I was told the world needs people who have their wits together at such times so the necessary formalities and activities can be done while others are paralyzed by grieving.
I miss my father, particularly when I think of something I would like to tell him and then realize he isn't here. My mother is physically declining over time and has had what is probably vascular dementia for several years, so I know it's just a question of time.
Back about 6 or 7 years ago when my father and I were out grocery shopping, he matter-of-factly talked about what he and my mother would do if they became too feeble to stay at home and what investments would be left to my sister and me, and
I found it depressing because I felt he (always a very cool-headed individual, so this was not out of character) was as casual as a couple high schoolers talking about what colleges they might consider--I half-expected to find he had disappeared and then get back to the car and suddenly see a pile of stock certificates where he had been sitting.
T even realize how much of my time was spent flying back/forth, on phones, taking care of things... And not just in the end, but in the years preceding (5 yrs) for me, their hospitalization, rehab, ALF, hospice. You are a wonderful child, did what you could or had to. Give yourself as much time as you need, and if you don't ever cry again for her, well, first I'd be surprised, but just know she would not want you to mourn her for ever, either. Grief I am learning is unique for everyone.n out of the blue it may hit you in a year or two... Enjoy your life now, it is your time, when you start healing you'll be surprised as what you will feel
I find myself in a similar situation. My died on 12-6-2016, after battling endocarditis for 6 months. The last 3 months my could no longer hold a conversation and when my mom passed, I could occasionally understand a few of her words. It was gut wrenching to see my mom deteriorate and I remember grieving and crying during this time. When my mom passed away, I was expecting to sob uncontrollably but instead I was numb and in shock. It’s been a year and I’m still numb. I visit my mom’s grave almost daily. I miss her so much. I’m hoping that my life passes soon so that I can be reunited with her.
The best I can offer you is a hug and a prayer.
Sometimes letting them go is the best gift we can give.
You KNOW your Mom died but a part of your brain I bet is in high gear sorting out all the other stuff you have going on, your brother needs you now for support, your siblings need you now for support your in-laws need you now, your Husband needs extra support now...
When you sit down and finally realize that you need support is when you will cry. And cry..and cry.
You are expending your energy on others and it takes a lot of energy to cry and realize your loss.
First thing you need to do is give yourself a break. Don't worry that you are not crying.
You should also take a few moments for yourself each day, think about something other than care giving. Support yourself the same way you are supporting others.
what ever way she needs to. I pray that you will just stop, an care for yourself an then move on an be blessed!💝
You listen to what the others said and don’t worry whether or not you cry. I didn’t cry at dad’s or my sisters. May God give you His peace through all this.