So as many of you know I have been looking into getting my NPD mother out of my home. While she helped around the house with chores and bills (much needed) it was her constant unpredictable and explosive temper. Had to call the Police. I've talked to a couple of attorneys who aren't keen on evicting 'mom'. Here in the South, old people come first. I don't have a POA so can't force anything. One lawyer wanted me to do a conservatorship, which means it would be back to my responsibility to vetting a place, getting her on a list, paying for it, until when and if social programs kicked in and the wait list could be 2 - 3 years for Senior Housing. She's super capable so I resent that she is intentionally forcing me to do all this extra work, on top of my job, house, cancer dog and everything else. Now I see she has some sort of barricade against her door and hasn't been out for a couple of days. Knowing how cunning she is and smart, I'm betting she bought a mini-fridge and is keeping it up there, she's very strong, stronger than me actually. She has her own bathroom and shower. She told me I was going to have to force her out and I guess she is taking a stand. Is it me or is this legitimate crazy? That she has locked herself in? By the way still looking for attorneys. No one will call me back. One attorney told me she's mentally ill and no one will force her to leave.
To the OP,
I sincerely wish with all my heart that you get your fresh start soon.
I have been in your shoes. Years ago I wanted to help a friend by sitting with her son. He physically attacked me and I experienced pain and was bruised very badly. He also head butted me. I was terrified! I came to realize he was abusing his mom and elderly grandmother too.
I don’t care what medical diagnosis someone has. They don’t have the right to abuse others!
The worst part is his mom told me that I was attacked because I couldn’t get away from him fast enough!
I am just over 5 feet tall. I weigh just over 100 lbs. He towered over me at 6’ 2” and weighs well over 200 lbs. I didn’t have a chance of defending myself.
So trust me I know how abuse feels. I thank you for confiding in me earlier in the beginning of this post in private messages. I totally understand your situation. I have enormous compassion for you. I wish you all the best.
Walk away as I had to do from my friend’s son. I was the only person that was willing to help her. This young man was controllable as a child. I had no problem with him then. I felt sorry for her because she was a single mom. As he grew into his later teens he became very aggressive! He was 19 years old when he attacked me. He could never be left alone due to his condition. As sad as it is he needs to be institutionalized.
You are smart! You recognize it’s abuse.
I made excuses for my abuser for awhile because his mom’s behavior caused me to second guess myself. After all, we had been friends for over 20 years. We aren’t friends any longer.
I went to a therapist to sort out my feelings. The first thing my therapist said to me was, “You’re being abused. Get out of this situation. This woman is not a friend.” He was right.
I will never side with an abuser. The rest will take care of itself. That’s why we have facilities!
I want to publicly apologize to you about some wanting to argue and fight with me. They argue because I view things differently.
I don't expect people to see things the same as I. However, I'm grown and have a right to what I think is right vs wrong. It doesn't matter if the world disagrees.
With this being said, "I sent you a PM."
Be Blessed : )
I am not trying to give OP any legal advice. You need to reread her post. She has already stated what the consultations were with two attorneys.
Also, if I did not have any experience here, I would not have commented. I would have strolled on by. What about you? Do you have experience with this? If, so ... do like me, "Share away."
Now to answer your question, WOULD I WANT TO BE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION? You tell me to think long and hard before I answer and to be honest.
Clearing my throat: Here you go. First of all, I don't have to think long and hard. I know that I know. It is what it is. Me be honest??? Whew, That is the only way I know to be.
Now with that being said, My every day life consists of caring for folks that have all sorts of behavior issues.
How about I ask you a question? What do YOU think I should to do with these folks? Do you believe I am just suppose to tell them to hit the street?
Sorry, it doesn't work like that for me. I love them and I will not mistreat them.
SN: NHWM You suggested that I see a specialist. I don't believe in therapists. All they can offer is book knowledge.
Be blessed
You say in your profile, you have rental property. I assume you are using that as a source of income. Sell it. Take the money and find yourself a small 1 bedroom apartment, as far away as you can possibly afford to go. Then let the house mom is in go either to the bank in foreclosure or to the county for non payment of taxes.
Then getting mom out becomes (one of) their problem.
I won't lie. This is an extreme solution. At the best you have a foreclosure on your credit report for 7 years. I don't know what exactly your financial situation is, but most of us would have trouble with that. And then there's the guilt you might end up with should moving mom out becomes, let's say, contentious with whichever agency ends up with that part of this scenario. Only you can decide if this is worth your freedom from mom and the misery she seems to love to cause you.
Again, I wish you all the best and send (((hugs))).
This tale is a serious & challenging one. I know I personally wish the OP some change in circumstance.
But I'm sure no-one wishes ill or abandonment on an old lady to achieve that - whether sweet, sane, difficult or demented.
Strong feelings regarding abuse have been triggered by this thread. Which is understandable.
Notgoodenough has a really excellent reply. I hope the OP can really read that & take steps.
Detaching from abusers is essential for self-survival & growth.
The OP took her Mother in - but it hasn't worked for a long time. How to effect change? Very hard.
Save your “Be blessed.” That comment comes across in a very condescending tone.
You are not an attorney. You can’t give out legal advice.
I am going to ask you a question point blank. Think long and hard before you answer. Please let your conscience be your guide and try to be totally honest.
Here is my question for you.
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION?
Any answer other than ‘No!’ is a crock!
You would not want to be abused! No one in their right mind would.
So why in the world would you want this loving and generous daughter who has truly tried to help her mom to be abused?
You owe her an apology. You owe all of us who are truly trying to help her an apology.
As far as you stirring the pot, it surely seems like the shoe fits.
This is the last message that I will type to you because I just can’t stomach any more nonsense.
My suggestion still stands though, since you are so fond of mentally ill abusers, then please offer your assistance by caring for the OP’s mother.
Then you will be the one who will be abused and be crying out for help and I am sure that you wouldn’t like it if someone tells you that she has rights to do as she pleases with you.
Please speak to someone that can help you find empathy for the abused person and not the abuser, you need professional help. Speak to a therapist.
I am not trying to be cruel to you. I sincerely want you to seek help. Maybe then you will see that you are wrong in this matter so you won’t continue to badger people who come to this forum for help.
Oh, wait. I am sure an attorney knows the law better than any of us.
"One attorney told me she's mentally ill and no one will force her to leave."
"Another lawyer wanted me to do a conservatorship, which means it will be back to my responsibility to vetting a place, getting her on a list, paying for it, until when or if social programs kicked in and the wait list could be 2-3 years for Senior Housing."
Are all of you mad at this attorney? Is he a pot stirrer too?
SMH
SN: It is what it is. I am trying to be real here. Not trying to be fake and sugarcoat things and tell the OP things that are not true. I have read all the responses and none have been a solution.
I am taking into consideration that the OP loves her mother and she doesn't want to mistreat her by just throwing her out as some have suggested.
Be Blessed : )
I haven’t seen one single person agree with this nonsense of taking up for an abuser!
This kind of posting where someone takes up for an abuser honestly turns my stomach.
The mother is an abuser and one way or another she needs to go! Whether the OP is successful at evicting her or she sells her home, she needs to be gone, out of her daughter’s life forever.
The OP deserves to live in peace! Period!!!
I agree with Lealonnie! This is a SUPPORT forum. No one should come to this forum for help and be subjected to more ABUSE from a poster. I am thrilled that Lealonnie reported these insensitive posts that have occurred.
To the OP, I am very sorry that you have seen such foolishness. Please ignore it. We are all behind you 100 percent! Do whatever you need to do to remove your abusive mom from your life!
You have a lot of serious problems here, and unfortunately there are no easy answers for any of them.
You seem to be getting all sorts of advice from lawyers, and it seems to be all over the place. My suggestion is: take things one step at a time, starting with the most important thing. And the first step for you is to decide exactly WHAT is the most important thing.
Do you want mom out? She's not going to change. You have tried, repeatedly, to change yourself - to be a "peacemaker" as you describe it - to no avail. So your first choice is: can you continue to live with her?
You have all the power with that decision.
If your answer is "yes, I want to keep her living with me", then the only thing I can suggest is going "gray rock" with her. Seek therapy to help you learn how to do this.
If you want her out: you NEED to contact an attorney who is an expert at Tennessee eviction laws. Here in NY, if you reside in a place in excess of 30 days - regardless whether you pay rent or not - you are considered a resident, and therefore cannot be "thrown" out. If someone changes the locks on you, turns off your utilities, etc. it's an unlawful eviction - a misdemeanor with up to 1 year in jail. Squatters have had to be evicted from abandoned, derelict buildings because they were able to prove (through receiving mail, etc) they resided there for over 30 days. So before you get yourself into a heap of legal trouble, find an attorney.
Keep scrupulous notes on her behavior and treatment of you. Go back as far as you can remember specifics. As far as "they don't want to evict an elderly lady" - the attorney you hire works for YOU, not her. If need be, remind them of that fact.
Selling the house from under her sounds like a great idea - but I don't know how legally feasible that is - again, with squatter rights. We might be in a seller's market, but I doubt there are many people looking to buy a home if it means they're going to have to go through eviction proceedings. And, depending on the laws of your state, selling the house might not be enough to force her out. Now, if it is, and you have no love for this house, it's probably the easiest way to sever your relationship with her.
If you sell - move. Leave no forwarding address. Cut ties. They can only follow you if they know where you live. If they find you, don't allow them in. If they show up on your doorstep, call the police. Once they're in, it's more difficult; if you never allow them in and they try and force the issue, they're burglars.
Either way-whatever you decide - my friend, you need to seek therapy. You know how she's treating you is wrong and abusive, you know you shouldn't keep taking care of mom - what you need is a strategy to move these from thoughts to deeds. You need an exit plan all the way around, or nothing will change. And you need something to change, big time, for your physical and mental well being.
You tried to be a dutiful daughter. You tried your best, at the expense of finances, relationships, and personal health and well-being. You owe nothing to anyone anymore except yourself. The first thing you need to do is give yourself permission to be done with the whole twisted situation. Then find the help you need to remove yourself from it.
(((hugs))) and best wishes!
You reported me because I have compassion for the mom, as well?
Do you think I should just agree to kick mom out?
Sorry, that will not happen. I have a heart. Not for just the good people but the bad too.
Those with behavioral issues and mental health issues alike. No respect of a person.
By the way: You may want to reread the OP thread. She stated herself, in the South, Elders come first. She also stated an attorney told her that her mom was mentally ill and that no one will force her out.
SN: For someone to seem so concerned about someone being abused, you certainly don't have a problem being abusive to me. You're always so harsh and harassive toward me. SMH
Bless your heart. : )
I don't know if you are a legit poster or you just like to stir the pot.
Living with your abuser is allowing the abuse to go on and on and on....The Op must make drastic change and perhaps listing and selling her house and moving to a place that is NOT mom-friendly is a good answer. She doesn't sound positively attached to this house--and perhaps selling it will give her some peace.
Of course, tell mom. (Her locking herself in her bedroom is SO a thing my mother would do--makes me grit my teeth to this day)...it's childish and manipulative.
Sounds like mom needs a taste of 'independent living'. Just--are you ready for the inevitable fall out. Let her know you're selling, start packing and I bet you are in a new place by Christmas. Houses in my state are flying off the market. Write mom a letter and slide it under the door. If she won't move when the new owners move in, lucky them!
Think about how nice it would be to live in a smaller condo where you only have to care for your own small place. You do not sound very attached to your home.
The ONLY way to get the abuse to stop is to put a stop to it yourself. If you never speak to your mom again, well, this forum is full of people who don't even talk to their parents. Sad, but 90% of the time, they brought it on themselves. I personally have zero compassion for someone who has abused their kids.
Good Luck--come back and let us know how you fare. we care!!
To the OP, here is a quote I found online which I hope is helpful to you:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
It's never 'okay' to be abused in any way by ANYONE, including a parent and most especially a parent. It's always a big deal, too, and nobody has the right to mistreat anyone else, for any reason. Don't buy into anyone's comments telling you otherwise, okay?
However this situation works out, I hope you are able to take the necessary steps to relocate your mother somewhere else outside of your home, and that you are able to heal and to move on with YOUR life now. All the best.
Guess I did now, though. 78. so glad to know there are a few "firsts" still coming along.
If abuse is such a big deal, then why can someone with some mental issues beat up a entire family and the police does nothing?
If abuse is such a big deal, then why did a doctor tell the family, "It is not a crime to have a mental health issue?
No honey, I am not being abused. I have had plenty of experience with those who have behavior issues.
Like I said, it is no big deal to me.
Caring for someone and living with them is entirely different!
It seems as though you have misguided compassion.
Your compassion should go to the person who is abused, not to the abuser!
You can offer to have her move in with you.
But that's just me. We appear to cover a wide swath in how to handle an abusive elder. Good luck, OP, in making your own choices for your own life.
Abuse IS a big deal. If you have accepted it in the past, or - from the sound of your posts - you are still accepting it, I'm afraid you are in no position to advise others.
OP stated her mother has abused her since she was a child. Therefore, that is nothing new.
With that being said, she still took her mom in. Right? Well then.
So, she has an explosive temper? Big deal .....
At the end of the day, She is still MOM.
It is not a crime to have a mental health issue (if this is what is going on with mom).
I don't have a problem caring for someone with behavior issues.
That is a good idea for the OP to call EMT's, that is one way for her to get her mom out of her house.
It appears she has mental health issues but refuses care/treatment/investigation into capacity.
If Mother is still in a locked room & there is serious concern for her health (physical or mental) it would be reasonable to call EMS. Police or Fire would be required to force the door if she cannot/will not open ito. I would be pushing for an immediate removal & psych evaluation.
Why don’t you offer to take her in?
You seem to have a soft spot for her abuser.
The law or no one else will force her to leave. Unless your mom has some place else to go, I'm sure you do not want her homeless.
Three adults I know had parents who downsized once the youngest child turned 18. Done with care, lots of warning, help to move out etc.
The OP's Mother has not been declared mentally incompetent & there is no guardianship, so I don't think there is a legal reason that the OP must re-house her? Others with law knowledge of the state (filial law?) may know more about that?
She has been abused since she was a child.
She showed mercy to her mom and gave her a place to live.
Of course she can and should kick her out or sell her home. If she sells, I am sure the new owner won’t want her mom to be included in the sale!
If you were abused as a child and still being abused, I seriously doubt that you would allow your abuser to live with you. At least I hope that you wouldn’t. I hate seeing anyone being abused.
Her mom has physically and emotionally abused her. No one in their right mind would recommend that she continue a relationship with her.
Of course she has rights! She owes her mom nothing! Zip! Zilch! Nada!
You gave up your rights when you bring them in.
Time for some 'green hat' thinking? You can dismiss every idea as wacky, no way etc but find a quiet space for yourself to really think. To dream. What is the life you picture - what do you really want?
Is it still this big land? The leaky pool? This house to repair?
Is there another place you have always wanted to move to? The mountains? The beach? A vibrant city?
Do you have a portable job? Able to transfer to another city? What if you applied for work elsewhere?
Or maybe you love where you are? Maybe you love your current job?
What if you sold part of your land?
The part with the leaky pool? The part with the house with Mother in it???
Keep some land & build a neat little cabin just for you?
Working 7 days a week? That doesn't sound sustainable or enjoyable. Sounds downright awful... but it CAN change.
So. The danger to your health is real. Think about options. Fight, Flight or Freeze. You are past Freeze. What's left is Fight on or Flight?
Goodbye.
Just a thought...have you thought about getting a "Personal Protection Order" on your mother?
If you got a PPO on your mom than she has to move out and you could show the PPO to a lawyer.
I don't know how easy or hard it is to get a PPO in your city, but in my city it is very easy to get one. Plus, it helps if you were keeping a record for everything your mom has done or said to you. Date, Time, and a explanation of what happen. I keep a notebook of everything my brother and my mother have done and said to me. Also, if you have a smartphone you could record your mother having a fit or even if she is just screaming at you.
I got the Ring on my front door a yr ago; I just installed outdoor cameras 3 weeks ago that record all night because I got tried of my brother egging my jeep and trying to break in the backdoor. Now, it is just a waiting game for him to do something.
Like I said, it is just a thought!! But you may need some proof!!
Hugs!!!