In July of 1996 my father died of a massive heart attack at the age of 66. My mother was 59 at the time. My father was a businessman who owned a business as well as property. The will stipulated that upon his death. The property and the business would be turned over to me and I would have to provide my mother with an income from the proceeds of the property. My father left my mother their mortgage free house as well as a significant IRA and savings. My mother has always had a problem with money and gambling. This is why my father created his will the way he did. To preserve what he worked so hard to accumulate while at the same time providing for my mother to some degree. The problem with the plan is my mother. She wants me to take the role of my father in that she should have a steady stream of money whenever she wants without any question or discussion of how she is spending it. As you can imagine, especially in this economy, the property is rented but not generating an endless amount of money. I pay the bills and the expenses on the property I inherited and send the balance of the rent to my mother every month for the last 16 years. She is not happy. Nor are my sisters who constantly call me to pressure me to give her more, more, more. When I ask why she needs more with what I give her, what she has in savings and social security, they balk. She needs it, what kind of son says no to his elderly mother. The kind that is not going to support her gambling habit! They are in complete denial of this fact. My sisters feel that I should support my mother in the style in which my father did, forgetting that I am her son, not her spouse. I am 53, married with two children and my own responsibilities and aspirations. They look with disdain when I make a purchase or improve my home as if I'm using my mother's money to do these things. When I ask them to come see the checkbook to prove that the bills are paid and the rest of the rent goes to my mother, they run, They refuse to acknowledge the truth. My wife and I both work full time. We work hard to make a nice home and life for our family. It is disheartening that my own mother is resentful of this fact. I did not cause her to become a young widow. She made decisions in her life that put her in this position. I am only executing my father's wishes and getting the brunt of her and my sister's anger over her circumstances. My father was wise, he knew that the assets he had would be gone in a slot machine if left directly to my mother, but as the diligent son, this is a hard position to be in. I am doing the best I can with what I was given and get no respect or admiration for it. I am the only person who's inheritance has cost him money and aggravation.
Or maybe your husband should get my kids' contact numbers. They'd have him straightened out about duties to parents in no time flat.Of course they have an advantage in that I did not have the foresight to install the appropriate guilt buttons in them.
You are not such a good Christian because you resent your husband being treated like an ATM machine and a free handyman? That is an interpretation of Christianity I haven't seen, but I'm no expert on religions.
As a couple, your first responsibility is to each other and to your children. Provide a comfortable, clean, safe home for them. Spend time with each other. Plan for your own future so that your children will not have undue burden for you. If MIL were indigent I would hope you could help her out, but not to the point of depriving your own family, and I hope you would help her find resources in the community. Since she has more money than you do, to give in to her demands at the expense of your own family's needs is, in my opinion, immoral. Neglecting your responsibilities to each other and to your children so that you can look like a "good Christian" is sad. I hope your resentment leads to some changes in your behavior (you and your husband). You can't change MIL, but for the sake of your family, you should change your responses to her.
What all of you are describing in Narcissistic behavior. You can't change it, but you can set boundaries. My boundary is 1500 miles. I live in AZ and Mother lives in IL. If I am back for even 3 days, Mother's neediness creeps in.
Her demanding nature led to my middle sister's early death. And then, Mother didn't even go to the funeral home. So, the kind of stress that you describe can kill you.
My husband is his Mother's POA and it is really time consuming. I don't know why anyone would actually "want" to do it. You get very little thanks.
I guess what I'm saying is that I understand your concerns -- all of you. I am so worried that the cash flow will run out in both accounts and then it's all on me and my spouse. My mother has a thing about ordering from QVC, HSN, and catalogs. She has companion aides come in to take care of needs and provide a social outlet and she has many opportunities to socialize in her area. She would prefer to sit home (agoraphobic) and run up her credit card, then panic when the bill comes in. She wants me to call and/or visit a lot. I live 2 days drive away; she will not move closer. She is a child of the Depression and feels that everyone "owes" her because it was a "stressful" childhood. She was not a model mother herself. Folks are amazed at how much I do (much of my own time and money) after what I went through myself. I guess I'm wondering when I get a break. I'm sad and disolussioned at what I thought would be a "golden" time in her life where maybe we could mend fences. She only beats me down with the fence slats every chance she gets. Why aren't there more advocates for persons in the sandwich generation? Do you all know of anyone who is willing to speak up for our rights?
You do not mention the business. What is its status? If it is profitable, where are the profits going?
After your mother dies (which may not be for decades), what happens to the properties and the business? Are they yours by the terms of the will? What did/will your sisters inherit? I ask to see if this will shed some light on their attitudes.