Mariee Posted April 2015
Mom washes her hands of Dad. Can't be bothered.
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My mother is physically and mentally able to care for my father, who has no other issues than dementia and a bad attitude, but she, also with a lifelong bad attitude, can't be bothered. I am made out to be the 'ungrateful' daughter because I won't 'step up' every time she wants to do her own thing, which is quite often.
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In the meantime, I could tell stories all day long about her attitude, but things have accelerated for sure. I brought a shower chair over for him to use, so he won't have to stand in the shower. The very next day, she called to say he wasn't going to use it. No, the problem is, she won't HELP him use it. She just tells him to go take a shower, and won't help. He was cutting his face up by shaving himself, and all she did was complain about it. Turns out, he wasn't using shaving cream, which she would have known if she took to the time out of her busy schedule to supervise him.
She also told me that she will be closing out their safety deposit box, I am listed as an authorized person, but have never been in the box. She informed me that she will need her key back. I find this highly suspicious. My parents are not rich, but I know that my father's SS and retirement brings in more than myself and my husband bring in each month, and that doesn't count her SS and such. I don't understand how she is so tight with money when it comes to things HE needs, but when SHE wants something, it is HER money, or so she says.
Anyways, I'm just updating my complaints. She actually went to his last veteran's appointment, and is going to be approved for respite care and such, so I'm sure she was walking on clouds to know that she can continue her carefree lollygagging about town as she pleases. She told them about all of her trips here and there, and the clerk told her it was illegal to leave him home alone. Thank goodness someone told her besides me. He is like a child. Why would you leave a child home alone?
Anyhow. I apologize for not updating. I had lost my password and kept requesting it, but never received an email. I tried one last password, and presto, it worked.
My apologies for any issues with spelling and grammar, I'm just pounding this out to get it off my chest. Phew. Sigh. I feel better! Thanks for listening!
I was writing to my brothers about her behavior, but they don't even respond, so I stopped letting them know what was going on. Besides, they get her version on the telephone anyways.
My mother ended up going to the quilt show, but when it came time to tell me about it, she had to throw in (with an exasperated sigh and dramatic flair) that she couldn't have lunch, and couldn't go anywhere else, because she HAD to get back home.
Meantime, my father is calling me every hour. I did not answer the first call, and went grocery shopping. He called to ask where I was, because he was at my house, and I was not home. Then he drove to town to my husband's place of employment, then called me a few more times, making excuses such as having to bring me something.
Obviously, my mother did not take the keys away from him.
Every single Sunday, they come to our house, no matter what we say. The Friday prior, I said that we would not be home. She said "Well, you can let me know." Let you know what? I just did. We will not be home. Sure enough, Sunday morning, the phone is ringing. I did not answer, and we had a day to ourselves.
Monday morning, I called to check on them. She said she's lost all drive, doesn't want to do anything, and she is just going to give up on everything. I said that I had some things to do, and that I would be over later. She just sent a text message asking if I would stop on my way to get a milkshake for them. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with her driving, or her vehicle, and it would be good for them to get out of the house, not to mention the ice cream shop is not on the way, but the complete opposite direction of their house.
I really don't want to go over there. My mind has really been thinking too hard about all of this unnecessary drama. If they called when they truly needed something, it would be a different story, but they have overstayed and overused their welcome so many times for trivial nonsense, that it has now reached the annoying stage. I don't want to be the person who ignores the phone calls, but they will not take my answer as my answer. Not now. Not coming. Not visiting today. Period. Don't try to work around me. Give me some time to actually miss you!
I remember my mother pointing out an independent living center near hear a few years ago, saying "Oh, that is where I want to live!" Does she think I can pull money out of my hat and pay for it, because she sure can't. Mind you, we are living on a very strict budget. We don't even have excess funds for our own basic home repair needs, so...
I keep thinking about something else she said a while back, that she has two life insurance policies on my father. Needless to say, the wheels are turning, and they are not rolling smoothly. All this talk about lovely retirement homes and cruises and such, I just wonder.
No replies needed, I just wanted to air my head out. Sigh.
Get a list together of reliable resources - AAA, auto mechanic, handyman, appliance repair, plumber, yard guy, electrician, a good adult daycare for Dad. When my sister stopped doing yard work, my mom hired someone for summer and a snow removal person for the winter.
I've been sending my brothers email messages that highlight all of their recent antics. Neither has replied. I told them that I didn't expect them to do anything, but to at least hear me out and be aware of what is going on. They are both snowed by my mother, who has them under the impression that my father is nothing but a class A you-know-what. Marriage is a two-way street. I would probably not be a good husband if my wife constantly muttered under her breath, calling names like jerk, idiot, stupid, and a few choice words. I know he hears her.
Anyways. I could write a book, couldn't we all, but I really appreciate having a place to let this all out. The best part is that many of you have had, or are having similar issues, and can relate. Thank you for being here!
:-) I'm sure I'll have more exciting stories to share. Soon. Ha!
It was a rough 3 years before he was moved to NH (wish they'd had memory care places back then).
We're now 25 years later, Dad has passed. We both have known about caregiving our own husbands and now have adult kids. So we have a reference to how adult kids should be treated and how to care for an ill spouse. The greatest cause of our physical ailments and mental angst is still our mom, who still expects us to do whatever it takes to make her happy every moment of every day.
My suggestion to you is put on your armadillo skin because you're going to take some hits. The more you say no, the bigger the ammo they'll use and the longer the barrage. Ignore relatives and friends - mine are quick to talk but never even took my folks a casserole. Sibs are free to help or not, but they are not allowed to force you to do that which they themselves aren't doing.
The parents will not change, they will not become warm and fuzzy and please start really accepting that they may not be real concerned about you and your wellbeing.
Your mom is his wife, it's her job to care for him, take him to the doctors. Yes, it’s lousy hand they’ve been dealt in their golden years. But it’s their hand to manage. Don't get sucked into the vortex because you're in town or because you're the daughter and the assumed caregiver.
Your mom sounds like a pretty narcissistic type, of the sort represented by Maisie bird in Horton Hatches an Egg, by Dr. Seuss. Suggest that she hire a driver to take your father places. Adult day care as a place for him to go. Mention to her that their car insurance rates are gonna be sky high after the crash, and that they may lose their house in the bargain.
It sounds as though you might benefit from finding a therapist who could work with you on setting realistic boundaries. Good luck to you.
how to get there" bit, when they have two GPS units. She can figure out how to download music on the internet, is computer savvy, has a cell phone, lap top AND a tablet, so there is no excuse other than she cannot be bothered with him. She can darn sure figure out how to get to the craft store, the antique store, craft shows, and such, even in other states.
Here is what is going to happen. (At this point, I'm just crying on your shoulder, and not really looking for answers, just an outlet.) She wants to go to a quilt show on Friday. I want to go to an estate sale the complete other direction. He will throw a fit about his teeth needing to be fixed right this instant, so she will likely take him, though she previously acted as though she couldn't possibly figure out how to drive 40 miles to the denturist, and then tell my brothers that I couldn't be bothered to help because I was going to a sale, and that she had to cancel all of her plans to tend to him. She can do it, but has ammunition ready to fire with how I'm not willing to help, so she HAD to take him herself.
It is irritating in advance because I know how she works. I've already told her to take the keys away from him, but I don't think she will do that. All too recently, she said that he had been getting up and driving to town at three in the morning. Did she go look for him? No. Did she call the police? No. Did she go to the convenience store to tell the clerk to call her or the police if he showed up? No. Did she take the keys away? No.
My husband is significantly older than I am, and I not only feel the love for him to care for him, but can't imagine leaving him home alone to go to pottery class, go shopping, whatever I pleased. I would never allow him to drive if I knew he couldn't figure out how to put gas in the car! (Example of my father)
Being with these two is no picnic. They have always been negative people, and I'm more the flower-child, let's all plant trees together, middle child, only daughter, so my response is to keep it all bottled up, and then one day after I've been with them all day long, pull over to the side of the road when I am alone, and cry my guts out, head home, wash my face, and try not to pour it all over my husband when he gets home from work.
No response needed, it just feels great to get that all out. Sigh.
I have to emphasize though that you can't downplay your father's "no other issues than dementia and a bad attitude." That's h*ll on wheels.
Start immediately erecting and defending boundaries. Establish a time you will visit with Dad, and stick to it. If you give her Wednesday afternoons, then when she calls on Monday, "Sorry, that won't work for me."
Practice saying NO with no explanation or apology. "No, I can't do that."
Do everything you can to stop your father from driving. That puts other people at risk and is not acceptable. Report him to the DMV.
My mother is on the go all the time. She has hobbies that take her out of town. She leaves my father home alone all the time, and she knows that he is driving, when he should not be, but she could care less, as long as he is 'out of her hair'. Sometimes I honestly think she is simply waiting for an 'accident' to happen, that will free her to do as she pleases. She is already looking at taking cruises and trips with her friends, and my father is physically, other than slow to walk, in great health for his age. She manipulates situations to her advantage that on the surface sound like concern "Oh, don't you want to drop by to see your grandchildren?" when this is really a disguise for "Well, as long as we're here, we may as well go shopping where I want to go." Another example "Are you going to the sale on Friday?" is a trick. If I say no, she will say "Oh, well, then, you can go check on your father, because I'm going to another state to a quilt show." ALLLLLL the time.
While I can't say I was an abused child, my parents never stood a chance of winning parents of the year. As an adult, I moved away. They moved here, several states away from their perfectly fine home with a nice senior center right up the road.
Friends who grew up in loving relationships with their parents simply don't understand. They tell me things like "Oh, you're so lucky to have both of your parents still living." No, the lucky ones are those who had loving parents, and a natural desire to care for those parents.
I am ready to give up on my dreams, sell everything and just go back to a nine to five job, because obviously, my mother is going to expect me (other siblings live far, far away in other states) to take care of him, then she is going to have fun and dance away until it is her time to be old, then guess what? Me, again. So I should simply resign my life until they pass, and stop being the ungrateful daughter. She rudely reminded me that she 'carried me for nine months'. What every child wants to hear, "I gave birth, now you are obligated."