May I complain?
Things have gone along pretty well for 3-4 years. I have only occasionally checked in here. Life has been Tolerable. But my mother in law is now 91 and her diabetes is much worse and I cannot be sure, but she may have a touch of dementia - put it is more likely a personality disorder. She is SO NEGATIVE that the air is thick with her misery. I am so tired of hearing her tell me how bad she feels (I am pushing 70 and don't feel so hot either!), and she is forever asking WHY she is still alive and basically being negative about every single thing in life. She never says one thing that could be construed as remotely positive. If the sun shines - it is too bright. Get the picture? I have to practically force by hubby to go in and spend 5 minutes with his mother. Thankfully she can still bathe and toilet herself BUT her bathroom is a germaphobe's worst nightmare!! I do all her cleaning and nearly all her cooking. We try to keep her from cooking anything at all - but she still refuses to warm things up in the micro. She MUST use a pan on the stove. I know there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about this and 'this too shall pass' - somehow - but it has been a long, long time since I felt the need to 'dump' here and I do - with all my heart - appreciate this forum. I still pray for all caregivers. Often, only God appreciates all we endure and do for our loved ones.
I think my mother is beginning to slip. I recognize the holes in her reasoning that my brothers don't seem to always notice. I always like their input when they come to visit, because I like to hear others' perspectives.
I feel kind of defeatist about it all, though, because I've learned from this site how very difficult it is to have elders declared incompetent. And my mother would fight any loss of control, as she is a control freak. I can foresee lots of arguing about things as her reasoning further slips. And I know that there are all sorts of ways to deal with elders, but the truth is that I don't want to do it. I don't want to be that involved with her.
She has EXCELLENT LTC insurance (doesn't qualify yet), but has told me she never wants to use it.
I had to take care of my mother when she was pretty helpless for over a week at the beginning of last year. I didn't have to change her diapers or sheets or anything like that (whew!), but I did have to help her with toileting, bathing, dressing, administering her meds, and had to cook and prepare her meals. I determined that I would never do that again, because she had to direct my every move and micromanage everything.
I called to check on them one night, got Dad on the phone, and he tells me, oh btw, you're moms in the hospital. She had some sorta operation. (Small bowel surgery it turns out) I jump in the car, drive 12 hours and get home just as Dad is trying to carry mom into the house. (I realized later that Dad was well into mild dementia. At the time I was ready to kill him)
Bottom line, I ended up as nurse, bath aid, depends changer, soiled sheet tech, and dietitian for over a week until I could get some in home care going. (At the time, 55 year old son, 80 year old mom). It had to be done, there was no one else. Ive done a few days duty since, and I may have to again, but I will never take on the task full time in my home or theirs.
If you can't face the digging could you manage an enema - you can do it with her sitting on the commode there is more room than on the toilet
My FIL moved in with us, 13 years ago, and everything except the "constipation" has happened here at our place, though he still digs at his butt! I don't like him touching anything in our kitchen either! He itches his backside to the point of sores, which have required him to see the wound care specialist. Yuck! Then, I'm the one who has to change his bandages. Life is passing us by too! Weve had enough, and intend to do something about it! This coming Spring, we are selling our home, and buying a Condo. My FIL will be going to Assisted living, as that's the only way out of our situation! Actually, it will be best for all parties, as were ready to get out from allmof the yard and home maintenance, and ready to do some traveling, before we are unable to do any! Good luck with your situation! I feel for you, I really do!
We refuse to eat anything she tries to cook. I try to keep a step ahead of her and have meals prepared ahead and just put breakfast on her counter so she eats when she gets up and the same with dinner. She gets up late and doesn't eat breakfast until noon. I put dinner on the counter when she lays down for her afternoon nap. I know where her fingers have been and refuse to even 'think' about sampling anything she fixes or touches. She does try to cook from time to time - mostly ham and beans. We don't encourage her cooking and have taken stove parts when we are away to prevent it and of course she has a fit about it. :0/
But she has left the stove on and then put a plastic micro popcorn popper on the burner to melt. She has burnt food onto pans. SWEARS it never happened. We just want a home to come back to. So, if she remains here alone for any length of time - we prevent her cooking any way possible. We do meals on wheels some times - but she hates them.
So, anyway, for her, the digging prevents a trip to the ER. I tell her a few glasses of water would work a lot easier. Can't get that message to compute. :0( If she can't take a pill it isn't going to happen!
I just dread cleaning up after her. She gets 'it' everywhere! Thank goodness for disinfectant wipes. Costco Kirkland brand are tops!! :0)
SIGH..............
YES. You've given up enough of your life for her. I personally think she should be forced to go to Middle Child's house. If that isn't possible, then send her to the assisted living place.
Of course she doesn't want to go...she probably doesn't want anyone else to know about her anal digging habit. Too bad!
Didn't think about the medical POA while we are gone. Will do that. Put sibs number as first person to call for her Lifeline as well. :0)
But I know she would be ok there and it would be such a relief to know she was somewhere where they could help her. Doubt anyone there would help her with her pooh though. In the meantime, we will make an appt. to talk to her doctor. But, unless she gets sick enough for a 3 day stay in the hospital between now and December - she won't be going to a nursing home, I am afraid.
She takes Linzess in the morning, magnesium in the afternoon and stool softeners (3) at night. Her problem is moisture. Lack of it. She always has a glass of watered down juice or whatever on her walker tray at all times - but just doesn't drink enough of it. She thinks a sip now and then is 'drinking ALL DAY LONG.'
I try to have watermelon on hand at all times - she loves it - and that helps some. She has had 3 ER trips in the last year due to not being able to pooh. She is so heavy and gets weak and cannot walk so it requires an ambulance ride just two blocks to the hospital. :0/ They clean her out and send her home and she is ok for a while.
I make inquire about visiting Angels or some other help. Has anyone used them?
All for this update. :0)
Do you think Mom-in-lw will go quietly to Assisted Living? When you think of it, she is already mad so it won't make any difference.
My Dad really loved his senior living facility as he was now around people closer to his age... and all these new ears to hear his "stories".
Old codger, my mom takes polyethelene glycol (aka miralax), 2 stool softeners and senna daily and every once in a while I throw in some milk of magnesia just to get things started.If I had your mom I think I would tape her hands together :-0
Yes, I know being really old sucks. But, I agree with a previous poster who wondered why the elderly seem to have the 'right' to make everyone else's life miserable too. We are going away for two weeks in December. Finally, after 12 years - we have an offer from her middle child to take her while we are gone. NOW SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO. It is possible she won't be ABLE to go. We also contacted the local assisted living place and they would 'board her' for $100 per day. I know she would have a ROYAL FIT. Should we force her?
Then today, she was sitting in our sun porch reading a magazine and could not get out of the chair. It is a lawn chair with nice arms and I put cushions in it for height and she has never had trouble getting up before. Hubby was trying to help her (that in itself is laughable) and I heard the commotion. We finally got her out of the chair. Her legs would hardly hold her up. :0/
I am thinking that the potty contortions yesterday probably messed up her artificial knees. She told hubs her knees were hurting. She does not realize they don't bend sideways or backwards - which she tries to force them to do when she is back there digging for China. :0( No, I can't stop her from doing it and I REFUSE to dig it out for her. Am I wrong for refusing to do this chore?
I think hubs and I will make an appointment soon for a consultation with her/our doc. He's been our doc for 30 years and hers for 12 or 13. It will be a nursing home placement discussion.
Can a person be placed WITHOUT the mandatory 3 day stay in hospital? She has 2 years nursing home ins. on her husbands medical plan but I think she must go from the hospital to the N.H. for them to pay. I contacted the ins. comapany about that a year or two ago.
The last ER trip - they just kept her for observation. (she couldn't poop). She finally did go and they sent her home. She must spend 3 full days in hospital before Medicare will pay anything towards a N.H. stay. Then her ins takes over for 2 years. After that, I assume Medicaid.
She has not spent 3 days in hospital for several years. I take waaaay too good of care for that, ha ha ha. She takes vitamins, probiotics, digestive enzymes, I feed her good. She complains of no appetite - yet eats every bite put in front of her PLUS snacks. :0) She is a BIG girl with a big healthy appetite.
Not sure there's an answer here. I am just complaining again!
We are between a rock and a hard place like so many others on this site. Thanks for listening and making suggestions and just plain putting up with me. :0)
For my Dad who lives in senior living, besides all his aches and pains and trying to remember what day it is, he is trying to keep up with the Presidential primary elections. He tells me every day who he is NOT voting for, and I am glad to say he and I are on the same page :)
All that said, I had to start standing up to my mother and drawing boundaries with her. She actually tolerates it pretty well. She even backs down on occasion, although often she argues back and tries to make me feel that I'm misjudging her intentions or being overly sensitive. A lot of elderly people don't take it so well, though, and throw a major hissy fit or lay on a huge guilt trip if a caregiver tries to put them in their place. A lot of folks probably feel that confronting the parent might only make a bad situation worse.
A big part of the problem, I think, is that we sympathize with them and feel sorry for them, so we often don't feel free to confront them with their selfishness or remind them of the difficulties they're imposing on those around them. It seems too unkind, like kicking a person when they're down. However, that leaves us with keeping our feelings bottled up, and becoming more and more resentful as we begin to feel more and more invisible.
I don't know what the solution is for this. If it's possible to not live with the elderly person, but still ensure they're getting the care they need, that would be my first choice. If not, then you definitely need the opportunity to vent - loudly and often. Feel free to vent here all you want as this is a place where people understand what you're going through and many have been in the same place as you or in some cases, even worse.
You guys need to make some changes. In home help, assited living, divorce, something...........
My Dad, who is in his 90's [age related decline mainly mobility], decided to move to Independent Living and I found his complaints are now far and few between, as he is around people much closer to his own age.... so he and the friends can complain to each other about their health issues while sitting in rockers on the front porch :) And he is happier eating in the main dining room with his table mates and having a menu to pick off of.
The people in my family just ignore and often do the eye roll. I try to get away for mini vacations. That helps.
Listening to her complain about either being constipated or having a griping belly ache is almost as bad as having to clean her toilet after she's done!! She is definitely a Debbie Downer!! Hope all the Debbie's out there will forgive me.
Sorry to gripe. It has been a while coming on................:0/