I took my mother in to live with us 7 years ago. She is very negative, and cries if we leave the house. If she does not get her way she says she is in the way and not part of our family and says to put her in a home. I feel trapped and can`t spend alone time with my husband and 2 kids..We take her everywhere with us because she will pout and say we are leaving her out..Someone help me!
Talk about raining on your parade.
Then one time when I had caught her in a big lie and asked her about it. She just changed the subject and told me, "why don't you just call me up (she never calls me) and try and make me happy".
You see, there is no making these type of people happy. Happiness comes from within. It is like dying, no one can do it for you. :)
Please give yourself a little credit for all that you do.
she has you under her control. YOU can go to learn how to cope with her, what to say and why you feel you have to make her happy or you will have regrets. You may never feel that you did enough unless you have some counseling, no matter how much you do for Mom.
You need to have boundaries with her. You simply need to identify your needs and tell her. You do not need her approval to go out - she can take care of herself.
Where are her friends? Her community? Have her join the local senior citizen group - or take a class for seniors. Her social activities should not solely revolve around you and your family. Really. It's unhealthy for both of you.
Do you have POA? Can you afford senior living for her? Will your sister take her in ? I think you need to sit down with your sister and come up with a plan. You can simply let your sib know that you are done and that other options have to be created for your mom's care.
Jessiebelle is right that silly or joking answers can work. You need to take control of the conversation.
Try this, maybe. "Mom, we're going out tonight. We're not taking you with us. We have set up X, Y, and Z for your comfort and entertainment. Tomorrow, we have planned a treat for you, which is A and B. Are you ready to start crying now? Here's your box of tissues. Don't cry too long. That will cause a headache."
"That's right, you're in the way. Pick up your feet so I can vacuum under them."
"Yes, Mom, we want you to move out and buy a condo in Hawaii so we can come visit you and sleep on your couch."
"Oh, Mom, you know I love you. Do you worry that I don't care? Today I did A, B, C, and D so you would be happy and well taken care of. I would never abandon you, but we are going to the carnival now. You would hate being there, so we're not taking you. Maybe we can win a prize for you. Do you want us to bring you some cotton candy?"
"While we're gone, you can listen to Lawrence Welk as loud as you want to, but no drugs and no sex on the couch."
It's a miserable situation, but try to laugh and try to make her laugh. Good luck.
Second, your Mom sounds like she is afraid - maybe the result of dementia. Is she diagnosed with anything? Is she ambulatory? Does she help with cooking or around the house? Depending upon her cognitive abilities, you need to sit down and tell her that you love her, but you also need time away from her to be with your family - ALONE. Set a boundary. Let her know that there is no option.
Are you her only child? If not, where are your sibs?
Tell her to get a life while she is still alive. That should go over well:)))
Take her to a community center and the library. A booklet usually comes in the mail every season about community activities for every age group. There are lots of lonely men who hang out in the library. Don't ask me how I know. LOL.