Follow
Share

After Mom, who lives in FL, was involved in a car accident (hit by a drunk driver) I discovered a $9,000 balance on her Visa made to help pay for my oldest brother's step-daughters wedding, he lives in the same town as my Mom. I also discovered my sister-in-law had talked Mom into putting her as an authorized user on her Visa "So I can pick up pads and stuff for you". I also discovered a check Mom signed and my oldest brother made out to himself for $4,500. He has claimed he will repay these debts but made two Visa payments totaling $400 right after the accident and now won't talk to me. My other brother (who lives in Ohio) has tried talking to him and he always claims he's getting ready to pay it all off. All this time I've used her funds to make minimum payments and now I've had to move her back to the nursing home and since her only source of income was social security she is now on Medicaid. Visa began collection calls when I stopped paying and I explained the situation, talked to collections dept., fraud dept. (who said they couldn't do anything) and finally disputed the charges so I could get copies. I talked to the State Attorney and he said if I had copies of the signature receipts along with a complaint letter from Mom I could file charges. I hate to do this but my older brother won't discuss this with me, stopped seeing my Mom when all this was discovered, and will only text me occasionally to tell me to "back off the visa, I'm gonna pay it". I have tried to discuss finances with my Mom for the past 5 - 10 years and she would always tell me to mind my own business. Well now it is my business and I'm on Xanax because of the stress and anxiety this has all caused. I work full time and live 2 hours away in AL and have made 20 trips to FL in the past 8 months. There are many, many, many more drama's in this story but I've just spent the last four night preparing a Victim Impact Statement because the defendant has decided she is tired of dealing with this (poor thing!) and has filed a demand for a speedy trail, and have been dealing with the nursing home and Mom's plea's to take her home. This has been one drama after another!

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

83 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
This thread was started in January 2010. I really hope it isn't an ongoing problem.
(2)
Report
Honestly it sounds like you are being the issue here!!! If your Mom told you mind your own buisiness honor her request Dude and if this loan is getting paid slowly thats why he borrowed it no brainer..I must be right on this if your goung threw so much trouble for that money your mom told u to mind yoyr business about leads me to think 1 logical ponder and thats 1 of you wish you could have beat him to the punch...really backoff , you were told by your bro and mom !!!! Stop causing anxiety on your self now ask your self 1 question if you were your brother would you wanna come around you with your irratic behavior and accusations and troublesome ways or would you just Text you???Think about it and heres another thing stop stressing your poor mother out allready you aint the only son in her life atleast they were watching for her be gratefull and give tgem extra cash from your pocket in grattitude!!! Do the right thing Drop it allready life is to short to live in envy and jeoulousy Huh...kiss n make up allready..Godbless
(0)
Report
Halieh67,

This thread is 8 years old. Your situation might draw more responses if you made it into a new thread. You can create a new thread by clicking "ask a question" on the bar above.
(0)
Report
My 92y.o. mom has dementia and after a year of trying to keep her home, utilizing cnas..and adult daycare to no avail, she was placed in assisted living now paying privately $6000 per month. I am her poa and have been carefully keeping track of her liquid assets amounting to about $200,000..(also owns rundown house).Prior to her admittance..it became apparent that i would end up being the primary caregiver..as my three siblings ..one of. whom has lived in mom's home for 20 years,along w. her 25 y.o. son, weren't cooperative in assisting w. care, yet wanted her to remain home..I am 67..and the pressure and stress became overwhelming..plus mom was no longer safe...Over the last year..my siblings have seemingly come to terms with this placement..except one still balks that she needs money..and is clearly resentful that i won't give her funds from mom's account..my brother is also on the same page, and occasionally upsets mom saying that her savings are gone..sometimes threatening me w. Legal action...and my sis who lives in her home rarely pays utilities(my moms money still paying 800 quarterly for taxes.)..though she works..and always has enough for casino jaunts..they visit mom..but I'm the one who handles health and other issues,and buys her clothes toiletries etc using my own money...At christmas they still wanted monetary gifts from mom.. I am the only one who worked and built a savings plan..and do not need my mom's money..but feel the others are breathing down my neck ..either verbally or passive aggressively..i shudder to think what would become of moms money if any of them handled it.._without disclosing details alcohol and drug consumption has been an issue in family) .i want to keep on good terms ..but fear im about to be stabbed in the back or be the victim of false accusations
(0)
Report
I think none of you relatives who feel that you have been robbed of your inheritance by a relative feel this way for one reason only. You wanted the money the relative took. I take offense when the person who has been robbed voluntarily and therefore cannot support themselves any longer have truly been negligent. But, if you are the one in town and all the siblings have left....and your parent cannot spend their wealth in their lifetime, get in there and make some rules. No finger pointing. This is happening in my friends in-laws family. My friend goes to the doctors, shopping, and gives this individual good company and family where there is none. Make sure you have a strong bond with the person to whom you expect to receive their money upon death and you will secure you receive your portion. If you are unable to, then take care of yourself and stop worrying that someone is getting something you are not.
(0)
Report
My mother is 75 years old disabled she was living here in the same town as I we were living together because she cant live alone. About five months ago my aunt which is my mothers sister came down n took her to the town where she lives the last time I talked to my mother she was crying telling me their treating her bad n taking all her money. She said she wants to come back him but they eont bring her back. Now she's currently in a convalescent home where she never wanted to be. They used her for her money n got rid of her after getting wut they wanted. How can I get mu mother back home I am not financially stable to go get her myself. Is their anything I can do or anyone I can G to for help?
(0)
Report
ED, as a substance abuse counselor, I'm surprised you don't know that Xanax is not an opiate.
(0)
Report
Dear ED, as a substance abuse counselor, you should know that Xanax is not an opiate.
(0)
Report
My kids have been told that there will be little left if anything when hubby and I are gone so keep their expectations low.
If you decide on long term care insurance be very very careful. i used to do in home assessments for several companies and the purpose is to weed out anyone who is likely to need it. The older you are when you apply the higher the premium. Apply when you are young and healthy then add up the premiums for when you might need it say in your 70s and you will be shocked how much the has cost. You might be better off setting that money aside each month so you have funds to pay for your own care.
Also remember that most insurance companies exist to make money so they will make you jump through many hoops to get what you have paid for when you are most vulnerable and least able to fight back
(1)
Report
Hannnahhonnee, I agree with you regarding how The expectations of inheritance should be phased out. People nee to learn that they cannot count on an inheritance, unless the family is Generationally wealthy, and we don't often see those types gripping about the monet on here!
With my ow folks, both retired, with modest investments, their house sold and rolled into their portfolio in the way of protected CD's and such and none of us 6 kids ever expected to receive any inheritance, though we did care for both our parents till the bitter end, through horrific illnesses, we wanted out parents to enjoy their lives tobthe fullest, inheritance be damned! And they did until the last couple of years, when they were both so ill. There was never any fighting over who got what, but I suppose that we are the exception to the rule, and are a very close knit family, even after our parents passing. Surprisingly, we each recieved about 8 thousand dollars each, and I used mine to go and visit their homeland, the Uk, England and Wales where they were both from. There was never a peep over who should receive more, it was divided evenly, with tow of my sisters receiving a bit more for the replacement of carpets ans doors and other Damages which occured in there homes while caregiving for our parents, an obvious nessesity.

Clplate, I believe that you should advocate for your Mom, over the obvious greed and being taken advantage of by these other siblings! Your Mom may very well need that money to live in in her old age, and if she owns a home, that may need to be sold to live on in a Nursing home too! I hope you have DPOA, and Medical POA over your Mom! Your siblings should be held accountable for the monies the've taken from their Vulnerable Mother! That is just Sickening!

I believe that family caregivers should be paid via a Caregiving Contract but even then, it isn't enough for the mental anguish and the toll it take on the family, especially if there is only one doing all the work, thankfully that wasn't the case in my family, but again, we are the exception, and shared as equally as possible in the care of our parents til the end.
(3)
Report
I totally understand that ltc insurance isn't perfect but it's a shame that people are so unprepared for the idea of being old and unable to care for themselves. They get life insurance to cover things when they die but not for when they are alive. It's especially important for the working and middle class because they are the most vulnerable to falling through the cracks. I hope that with life expectancy rising and the baby boomers, who I feel are more logical and less emotional and/or tied to the old school idea of kids caring for them, entering into their more susceptible years that the topic of reality won't be so taboo. I think that inheritances should be phased out or at least not expected because a lot of the trouble comes from the one person who is so focused on not losing "their" money. That person starts a lot of crap. Bottom line though is that the healthiest thing for everyone is for the parent/child relationship stay that way as much as possible. Obviously, I don't mean not acknowledging that they aren't the same and that you have to be more adult than you want but I just can't believe that parents who were good to you all and you know truly loved you and wanted you to have a good life would be ok with some of the torturous side effects of caring for them. Now, if you're from a permanently drama family, that's a different story. I know that it's a hopeless situation for many of your loved ones in terms of it's too late for coulda, woulda, shoulda or you live in a conservative state without many avenues for help. I know that I'm going on and on but I just want to cry for everyone who is being mentally abused or seeing your family being abused. I feel like a jerk for complaining about working too much because it is such a peaceful job. I just wish you could all be at peace if you're a caregiver. I don't get why people need to make it miserable for others. Hope I made sense, I've got Olympic fever and haven't slept much, lol
(2)
Report
Hannah, to answer the question I think you get both scenarios. For me - not suspicion but most certainly hostility - it was the continuation and aggravation of lifetime issues; but it breaks my heart far more when families who were loving and strong are torn apart by the nightmare of dealing with an elder's illness, decline and death.

I think there is quite a lot of the 'oh it wouldn't happen to us' naivety that you see with other, similarly momentous traumatic periods. Or with couples who think they don't need to talk about pensions because what's his is hers and vice versa. Or parents dealing with a serious congenital condition in a baby. Reality intrudes, and things fall apart, and people who loved each other are divided by horrible things happening and cold clinical decisions needing to be made and forget that their biggest asset should be one other.

It's awful, you're right. I don't think ltc insurance will always cover everything, mind :)
(2)
Report
I notice a common theme of siblings who are suspicious and hostile with each other. Is this just a continuation of a lifetime issue or only since the care taking? I really hope all of you invest in long term health coverage for yourself asap so you don't have to wind up being mistreated or causing drama for your kids. Even if you're poor, finding the money now sounds like it pays off. I feel so bad for everyone because it sounds like a hard life of unnecessary pain. Either you're getting accused of stealing or someone else is stealing. I've seen it in my family, too. If any of you have parents nearing the age where things start to get difficult, encourage them to get the insurance, pay it if you can afford it because it seems like when people try to save a dollar it ends up costing ten. A family member had her grandson come take care of her, he did an acceptable job but she also supported him. I couldn't care less about that but her reasoning for him moving in was that she couldn't afford an aide but in reality, she was supporting him in an amount that would have paid for 40 hours of a freelance aide. It would have been better for her and for him, too because he wound up bitter and has a pill problem now.
I really think that people should have ltc insurance and children should be able to be children. Someone is always getting screwed over and it really takes a mentally healthy family for the situation to not get nasty. I'm really getting sad reading these common threads. I feel for all of you. ❤️
(2)
Report
Anyone have some advise
(0)
Report
This stuff happens all the time I hear.
I am going through the same type of thing. Since my dad passed almost two years ago I have been the sole caretaker of my mom even though there are six other siblings. I did everything for my mom and sometimes I would ask my family members to take my mom to the an appointment and got a no. I would have to leave work to take her. There is a lot to do for an 89 year old woman and I loved helping her. I moved her closer. My mom and i put my name on her bank accounts for probate reasons and my mom also gave me extra money. She gives everyone inheritance a couple do times a year but because of all my help she has given me more. Well when my family found this out they were livid and accused me of stealing. I couldn't believe it. They totally took over caring for my mom and do not talk to me. My mom even wrote a note saying that she did give me extra money and it is her money to do what she wishes. Now I am trying to not assist my mom so the family can see all the work that is involved. I have a feeling they will stop taking care of her. As a matter of fact I don't believe anyone filled up her pill container today. I may have to do it tomorrow. I am so angry at the accusation and am ashamed to call them my family. We were never a close family and this just broke it up even more.
(0)
Report
Some very good answers here. Wish had seen something like this before my parents were euthanized. Also the lawyers can do more harm than the family. so walk carefully in that area.
(0)
Report
Make sure that deadbeat brother understands that when Mom is out of money to pay for AL, HE'S going to be the one she's moving in with.

You could try getting guardianship, but that would only be possible if she is found to be incompetent. She probably is not there yet. So, it's her money and she can do what she likes with it.

Just don't end up with her care on your plate.
(1)
Report
My brother has borrowed thousands and thousands of money over the course of his life. My father passed away 4 years ago and my 92 year old mom has moved to assisted living. My brother hasn't had a job in years and my mom pays all of his bills for him. He is almost 60 years old. He recently got a DUI and is waiting for his trial in the next month. My mom feels the need to pay for his fines and feels it is her responsibility. He is a manipulative alcoholic who plays on her sympathy to get her to give him money. Me and my other siblings are trying our hardest to convince her that she is making his sickness worse by giving him cash. If we try to talk to him about it, he just calls mom and tells her about it. She gets angry at us for it. So juvenile!! I hope that he goes to jail for this DUI. He was also speeding at the time going 35+ over the speed limit. He has had several other charges on his record over the years including another DUI several years ago. He tells my mom that there are NO jobs anywhere and she actually believes him. We recently took her to a Lawyer and had him tell her that she couldn't afford it any longer and she just couldn't grasp it. Her doctor says she has the early stages of dementia and alzheimers. Just so frustrating to see this going on! He actually convinced her that the radar was off and the cop was having a bad day. Really?!! So thats where we stand!
(0)
Report
Stop paying Mom's credit cards . You did not make the purchases. My guess is that Medicaid will soon catch up with brother. I think they will want to know how this money was spent. Also stop worrying and stressing yourself out they are not going to take Mom to prison.
(1)
Report
Sad but true, blood isn't always thicker than water. Getting Durable Power of Attorney, Health Care Proxy, and Executorship in place while your loved one is still competent - about $600 where I live - is a must. Being completely honest with yourself about possible problems with family members down the road and acting to block them before they attack is another. What some people will do for money is horrifying. On top of the sadness and stress of caring for your loved one, you have to protect them from their own family. I keep our circle small and my loved one's finances private. That fixed a lot of complications we were experiencing and prevented any fraud that may have been planned. My heart goes out to you. Let this one go and just be more diligent in the future.
(1)
Report
Well, then hadn't you better call a family conference and work out together how your mother is to be supported? If your land-owning brother still resists all pressure to contribute, at least you can share the financial burden more fairly among the rest of you. Suing him for a share of his income from agricultural land in India: I don't know, I suppose you could consult a lawyer about it, but in general I'd say Don't Go To Law. You're more likely to blow your family to smithereens and waste a great deal of money than you are to improve your mother's quality of life.
(1)
Report
Thank you for Quick Response
All Brothers and Sister live in Illinois State
(0)
Report
Kirit, where are you and your mother living? Where is your brother living? Where are your other brothers and sisters?

If you're in the States and your brother has control of the family farm in India and he himself lives in India... well. Good luck, is all I can say. But is it possible that your brother thinks you're enjoying some amazing American standard of living, and you need to be franker with him about the cost of looking after an older person?

Anyway. Please say more about your situation - maybe somebody will have some helpful ideas.
(0)
Report
my mother is 85 years old and she have lots of health problems ,but i do take care her well and she live with me , my older brother he took all land in India and and now he did not help my mom for any financial or emotional help and he did not want to take care of any thing so id there any law i can take him to court for financial help for mom , and he took my Mom's Agriculture land on his Name and now he did not want to share part of with Mom and other brothers and sisters
please help me i can do any things for this battle
(0)
Report
There is a lot of gender bias. And the lawyers are more than blame and they are the only ones that can change the corrupt system.
(0)
Report
i am gutted all the above happened to my Mother, but i will go to the police, DWP, as he claimed benefits when he shouldnt. He conned my mother, he had full POA, my mothers lawyers, help him. Advising him he could do what every he liked. it cost me £1440. for a lawyer just to get the share of the house i paid a quater share of. he spent all her money aroung £100,000. only putting £6,000. on final accounts. he let her die in a asylum when she had alzheimers and lung cancer. it was the worst end of a life. how he sleeps, in fact the whole family took from her and gave nothing back. I am however, going to take my brother to small claim court. As if it cost anyone name on the will, any money (ie Lawyers & flights) to claim what you are entitled to, then the executor is personal responsible to pay you back from his own account.. so god willing he will be exposed and be advised to pay me back, rent, flights and lawyers. KARMA
(0)
Report
all I can say every time is thank God I do not have family. As far as I'm concerned, most family can go you know where.
For the family that does work, bravo. Thank God for what you do have.
The main thing is when you have toxic evil relatives, don't go snuffling after them because 'whyyy don't they liiike me???' Cut them out of your life, your will, everything. Disappear so they can't find you. Be happy.
(1)
Report
Yes they do. Brother has had mom and dad (deceased) sign away all his and her assets. Brother left them living in filth but couldnt clear out and sell their stiff fast enough. Has their land for sale now. Him and his.newly retired wife will profit all. Nothing anyone can do cause he got POA. Sickening, The criminal has found the perfect crime.
(0)
Report
Martin, Some people can't afford to hire an attorney. Therefore, "They" do get away with it!
(0)
Report
Everyone says, "There is nothing they can do", when what they mean is "They won't do anything". if it's not easy, and there isn't anything in it for them personally.Do whatever it takes, to get it in front of a judge, the police don't give a rats rear end, they will claim it is a civil matter, which it is not, it's Criminal. Usually forgery is involved.i
(0)
Report
1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter