My elderly mother's bad behavior is ruining my marriage

Omg I just moved my mother from Chicago to Orlando and had no idea how bad it was going to affect my marriage. My husband goes back and forth trying to make me and my mother happy. I don't know what he wants. We are battlng constantly and I wish she never would have moved here. Would love some counseling help.

Kris it's great to hear a fellow caregiver finally putting herself first! Good for you!

Kris, rant away, we all do. And good wishes on your new relationship,!

Thanks to everyone for sharing on this topic. At 61, I am in a new relationship which I is progressing toward marriage. It is the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life and I am so grateful that this man was put into my life at this time. I live next door to my parents, in a house which they refer to as mine, but which is not in my name and which has a million strings attached to it; they also ignore the fact that upon their passing, half belongs to my only sister. They are in a rage! They were in a rage before I met my boyfriend, but now that he's staying with me it's turned the heat up about 1,000 degrees. Their own relationship is so bitter and hateful – they are so self-centered, I think it never occurred to them that at this age I would find a nice man, be happy and have my own life. They thought I’d always be there to take their guff, be of service to them and grovel with gratitude. Well, they can guess again! I love them AND they are not going to destroy my remaining years. If I have to move out to hold onto my love and my sanity, then so be it. My sister and her husband used to live in the same house; they moved away 12 years ago, to another state. Now I know it was because they could see the writing on the wall. I have willingly, lovingly and happily been of service to mom and dad for many years. But I am not willing to take endless abuse and lay myself down in front of their steamroller, listen to them refer to my boyfriend as "You Know Who," carry THEIR shame and guilt, etc. We are told it's a horrible thing to even think, but I look at how mean and ornery they are at 90 and think "we could be at this another 10+ years." I'm SO sorry, I'm just not going to be their sacrificial lamb. This is all so upsetting, but they have manipulated me their entire lives. I've been the good daughter, obeyed the honor thy father and thy mother law, etc. And now, if God is willing, I will also honor a centuries old tradition and leave my parents’ home to go and be with my husband. If they have to sell the house to pay for what is left of their lives, that's fine with me. I choose happiness over the fair market value of that house – any day of the week and twice on Sunday. They are poisonous, nasty people! And you guys - thanks for listening to me rant, as always - WOW, this is difficult.

The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.

This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.

It is NOT the same thing.

My mother is 94, suffering from dementia and every other.Mother is not easy to get on with.She sometimes seems to wake up hating my husband for no reason at all so I have limited their interaction throughout the day unless she is a really good mood (seldom). I serve her meals,pop into her room for chat from 8AM to 6 PM ( in between chores), attend to her needs etc.Hubby simply stays away from her.He gives her the occasional smile as she passes,responds only to conversation directed at him if she talks him but he keeps it brief.
After supper I settle her in with a movie and close the door to "our part of the house so my husband and I can have quiet time together.Obviously it's not as easy as it sounds.There are interruptions but on the whole it works.Treat it as a job, your job, not his.If you need to talk over the complaints of your day with it in the mirror or with a friend, never voice your mommy prob's with him.
As we retired We can also steal the occasional 30-45 minutes for a ride or lunch nearby.It helps diffuse any anger or resentment that building.
I take this time to lighten his mood (hubby).
Fortunately Mom loves one my dogs and prefers his company to ours.
This often the case when there is a well behaved animal in the house.It gives mom ( and other elders) something else to focus on.The pet becomes a companion and confidant,a best friend when we fail (which is often according to her). Does she like animals? or birds? Something small,elderly and loveable?
Having a pet might just be what you need to keep her company.

I know it may sound crazy but I feel so much better since I found these forums, it is incredible how our stories match one another. I have had practically no life since I brought my 86 yr old mom to live with us. The guilt, the burden, the sadness of just seeing my life disappear in front of my eyes and hers too. You are very blessed that your mother will probably qualify for many benefits, whether you keep her at home or place her in a good home or assisted living facility. I my state the ALF's will usually take your mother's check and once she is approved they receive more financial aid on your mother's behalf so they can provide housing, meals and everything she may need. At home she can also qualify for many things, including placing her in a day care or activity center. She will have her meals there and they also provide transportation. Who knows she may even make new friends. Our elders are sick but they can still connect to the surroundings one way or another. I too want to have a life and a peaceful home to come home after work and I'm not even newly married but still need those things I used to enjoy. You are a good daughter and person, these decisions are hard, I know, I'm placing my mother somewhere every morning and then changing my guilty mind every night. Good luck and God bless you mom and new family!

Hello my name is sandy and i have been taking care of my Mom which was not planned either I listened to the Drs which tey all turned out to be wrong told me three yrs ago take her home and get her ready to pass away and here and here I am four yrs later and she is still living not that I want her to pass but woukd be better for her because my mom is end stage pd also pd dementia and 100 percent bedridden and only basically me and little help taking care of her I use to have caregivers but cannot afford them anymore and where I live dept of aging told me to do a reverse mortage on house and they cld only give me 400 dollars a year sorry if seems Im u ngrateful but didnt agree to do either and state waiver she has been on for three yrs now and they tell me she is nunber four thousand well I guess I will just invite them to moms funeral one day otherwards no help and my marriage has gone and going downhill its horrible to be pulled in so many directions and be getting no where except more frustrated if I was you and I hope you listen to my advice to you I would take these opinions from the people on here to your heart because they are right what they are saying back long time ago I did not no to find this website or had anyone to really talk to but the advice I did receive from ppl you just dont no HOW I WISH I WOULD OF LISTENED TO THEM EVEN THOUGH YOUR HEART MIGHT BE TORE UP DONT GIVE UP WHAT YOUR LIFE IS TO DO THIS AND DINT FEEL GUILTY FOR IT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT NO WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS AND IF I WOULD OF LISTENED MAYBE I WOULD OF BEEN BETTER OF I ALSO FEEL LIKE I RUINED MY HUSBANDS LIFE TO WE DO NOT HAVE A LIFE TINY TINY BIT WE BOTH ARE DISGUSTED AND IM WORE OUT BUT HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES PUTTING HER IN HOME IF YOU ARE STRONG NOW AND FEEL YOU CAN DO IT THEN I WOULD CUZ LATER I FEEL WILL BE HARDER TO DO i sure hope you understand and not being mean im just telling you thr truth according to my experience cld you let me know if you understand what im saying tyhank you take care love sandy 22

I feel you pain, I am in a similar situation. My mom move in with me a couple of months ago, she complain that she cant leave alone and was always trying to make me feel guilty, specially since I'm her only daughter. But the biggest problem is that she never got along with my husband of 25 years, in the past she was always making things up to create problems between my husband and I, i thought she has changed with the years but she's creating problems again and I don't know what to do, she has no one else and she's terrified of living alone, plus she was recently diagnose with beginning of dementia. I talked to het again and ask her to cooperate, not to make things difficult at home and she promise things will change, and it does for a while but them she goes back to create trouble, I have 2 girls and they are starting to resent her grandmother. The relationship between my husband and I is great and I don't want that to change. What can I do?

Dear all. You're not in this alone. As a country, as a society, we are moving to a model in which a single family's bad luck does not equal the end of your mental health and financial autonomy. Get advice from your county social service agency. II've heard from friends and colleagues that they've been made to feel guilty that they are not "taking care of all of this" on their own. This does not have to be your burden all on your own. Tell them that you can't do this alone anymore and let us know how it goes!

Of course you still love him, notawhiner. And because of that you need to see that he has a roof over his head, good food choices, and the care he needs. But YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PROVIDE THOSE THINGS PERSONALLY.

I would start with calling your county social services, explain that he was living with you temporarily but that has to end, and you'd like a needs assessment on him and for him to learn his options.

I have a similar situation but do not know where to start asking for help. My father has lived with me in CA for over a year. When I moved him into my home (because he lost his), it was a temporary situation. I have a small house with no extra room so we set him up in the garage for the time being. He has a bed, a portable commode, a tv and chair, coffee maker, dresser for clothes and a wall for some privacy. He's comfortable but I feel so guilty he's in the garage. My husband hates it because the garage is his domain but now he has to share it. My husband has not worked on a project since my dad moved in. Within 2 weeks of moving in, my dad was admitted to the VA hospital (ICU) with a serious urinary infection and his sugar level over 450. He's diabetic and had not been taking his medication for who knows how long. He went from the hospital to the nursing home and stayed there a few months. From there, he came back to my home and I became his f/t caregiver. I asked the nursing home to keep him long term but they said he didn't need skilled nursing. I have to give him his blood tests, insulin injections, all his morning and evening meds (pills, eyedrops, ointments, etc), empty his catheter bag nightly, get his coffee ready for next morning, etc. My dad refused to test his own blood or give himself shots because he doesn't like needles. Well, neither do I and had to learn how to manage his diabetes. I make him a well balanced dinner but I let him make his own breakfast and lunch. His food choices are disgusting and doesn't follow a diabetics diet. My dad is also incontinent and has to wear diapers 24/7. He wears an external catheter at night which helps decrease the amount of laundry. My dad is capable to changing his own clothes and diapers but has a prosthetic leg so it's challenging. Even so, he will not change his diapers frequently (doctor said every 2 hrs) so often I will see him with soaking wet pants. He smells all the time because he won't use the wipes to clean himself when he changes diapers. He won't bath for days so we asked him to bath at least every 3 days at a minimum. He will push the 3 days into 5 if we don't keep track and then gets fussy when we remind his to bathe. He is also a smoker, which I dispise but I allow him to smoke outside or in the garage when nobody is out there w/him. I limit him to one pack a day which he doesn't like but that's too bad. I hide the carton and give him 1 pack each day. I could go on but I think you get the point. I know it could be worse but for me and my family, it is bad enough and we want out. We want our lives back. My family has grown so far apart since my dad moved in. My husband can't stand my dad's disgusting ways and how much time I spend caring for him and has mentioned if dad doesn't leave soon, he might have to. My husband doesn't understand because his parents are in their late 80's/early 90's and still live in their home and take care of themselves. My dad is only 76 yrs old but looks/acts much older. My dad does have Medicare and Medi-Cal (CA's version of Medicaid) plus he gets his health care through the VA for free. He does not qualify for long term care with the VA because he isn't service-related. I can't put him in assisted living because he needs injections and they don't provide that kind of care plus Medicare/MediCal doesn't cover it and it's way too expensive. He isn't sick enough for a nursing home or so I've been told. Who can I discuss options with? I have to get my father out of my house for my sanity and keep my marriage together but I also want my dad cared for and close so I can see him. Although my dad has changed over the years and he is not even close to being the man I knew growing up, I still love him through all the frustration.

Your sanity , health, and that of your family (spouse and children) always come first. No one is obligated to care for an elder at home. That is what professional facilities are for and it is perfectly acceptable to delegate caregiving if needed to protect your health. It is not as if an elder has some kind of right not to go into a nursing home! How did that get started anyway?

My heart is broken for you.. I am about to lose my marrige and the love of my life by trying to do the right thing and take care of my ageing mother in law...90...my husband is angry all the time and I feel like I have a bullseye on me... no physical abuse of any type... just that great fun loving wonderful man I married seems to have dissappeared..I feel like I have lost myself as well...he is always angry and I always feel sad or guilty that I cant do more for him or his mom

I am in the same situation with my mother. She is very mean and spiteful. i caught her taking her sleep meds out of her box and telling me i didn.t put it in the box. just so she could get more. My new husband of seven year has decided to become a truck driver so he wont be at home with her. And I also take care of his ten year old , his fifteen year old and his 21 year old daughter with severe cerebral palsy. I have two children in their twenty.s. They rarely come visit....because of my noisey, gossiping mom. I feel so trapped!!!

Your situation sounds EXACTLY like ours - your mother can no longer handle her losses - or anger - getting old is AWFUL - it robs a person of everything and now that you have found love - she is jealous of that too.

My doctor said my MIL is suffering from anger/rage issues that cause her to attack me. He suggested that we move her OUT of our home ASAP. We cannot do that - BUT YOU CAN!!!

Your mother will qualify for Medicaid - start visiting facilities and find one that is pleasant, clean, has good 'marks' and then place her. You will still be her daughter, the one who looks out for her interests. You will just not have the 24/7 duty. You can be her daughter again and do things that will help her look forward to your visits.

The parent/child relationship is NOT the same a the child/parent relationship. Parents care for children and watch them grow and thrive and LEAVE. When caring for an elderly parent - we watch them grow frail, diminish and DIE - all the while - many care givers suffer abuse at the hands of their elderly charge and suffer enormous guilt because we cannot 'do better, BE better'. We have a hard time complaining - because we feel so much guilt over their loss of health, mobility, friends, home - we just keep GIVING AND GIVING until we having nothing left to give. Everyone asked how the elder is doing and no one EVER asks how we are doing.

No, caring for your child IS IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM the same as caring for an elderly parent. There should be a 'handbook' on the counter of every doctor's office WARNING children what they are in for if they undertake the care of their elders.

Littletonway: I couldn't agree more. I get so tired of people saying that our parents changed our diapers and raised us. Yes, they did and they did the best they could. We do the best we can also. If our health is failing due to the care and stress we endure, it is a fact and can't be compared to changing diapers when the parent was in their 20's. Compassion needs to be allowed for all concerned, not just at the expense of the adult child.

KC: Try to find a good place where your mom can be safe. She will qualify for assistance. You can be her advocate, but you don't have to sacrifice every scrap of happiness in your life to be with her 24-7. I agree that you should get her tested by a specialist to determine if dementia is an issue. Otherwise, she may just be unhappy that you have another focus in your life.

Oh melaniemorris that is so very mean and unfair. We can take care of our parents without destroying our marriages and our own health. Taking care of an adult is in no way like taking care of a baby.

I wish you peace!

Kcofield, if your mother has very little, there is so much she may qualify for. Carol, as always, had excellent advice. Schedule a visit with a social worker for a needs assessment. The nice thing is that social workers can identify what your mother qualifies for and knows how to make it happen. It may be that your mother qualifies for Section 8 housing, so she could get a nice place and have to pay very little each month. I know she qualifies for subsidized housing, since her income if small. Many senior communities are glad to work with subsidized and Section 8 housing. She probably will also qualify for a food card and senior meals program. Often senior living facilities have buses or vans that go to grocery stores each week, and have meals on wheels come in with food. There are a lot of resources out there.

I hope you can find something perfect for your mother. We want what is best for our parents. Sometimes living with us is not best for them or for our other family members. When that is the case, it helps everyone to find something better.

You and your marriage are your priorities. Take the advice of the expert and find a different place for your mother to live or your peaceful life and marriage will be gone!!

KCofieldNY - this is what Medicaid is for. You are not responsible to house your mother to the detriment of your marriage. Even if you have to have a court appointed guardian for her, it's better than what is going on. If she has no money to speak of, she'll qualify for Medicaid and other help for impoverished people. If she doesn't need nursing care, there are subsidized housing units available for people with disabilities. You need help here. Go to your Social Services people and tell them she is in need. They will help her qualify for Medicaid.

Carol

Thanks for the encouragement. It is amazing how life can just catch you by surprise. I never even thought of my Mom getting older and not having anywhere else to go. And, I never thought I would be the person to have to care for her. This morning she went for a thorough checkup and everything came back normal. Other than normal aging and a little high blood pressure she is in wonderful health. Even though that's a blessing, when the doctor told her that she could possibly live to be 100 I thought I was going to pass out. Is caring for my mother for the next 20 years really my responsibility? I truly pray that I don't put my son through this situation. I'm working hard now to make sure I am financially able to care for myself and when life changes and my son gets older, I'll be able to retire myself into a nice senior community where my son won't have the burden of caring for his aging parent. I honestly didn't see this part of life coming and I wasn't prepared for it AT ALL!!

Selfish to want to have a calm and loving home? Selfish to make a marriage work?
I can not help you on placing mom anywhere, but place yourself a little higher up than you have. You are a valuable person. Don't put your husband, or your marriage, or yourself on a bottom rung of this latter of life.
Good luck to you. And don't feel guilty for wanting a peaceful home.