If you loaned your car to someone, and they trashed it and wouldn't give it back, you could have them arrested for "theft by control"....that is what my stepdaughter is doing with my MIL's house and my husband is in compliance.
MIL has lived with us for 6 years. Her house (has a mortgage) was empty for a year and then my stepdaughter (during one of her many dramas) was given permission by my husband to move in. Fast forward to now: What was once a pristine, clean house is now squalor. There is a boyfriend, 4 dogs, 4 cats and a snake. The place reeks of pot and animals. One of the dogs chased the postman one day...and the house looks like hell outside. Stepdaughter has also started a "business" there: a hair salon without the proper licensing and my husband and she are hatching plans to make it "legal".... of course stepd. has no money for this enterprise but "Daddy" always seems to pay her way. Has anyone asked the OWNER if this is OK? NO! Who pays the mortgage? MIL does, and the payment is exactly the amount of her SS check each month. Stepdaughter is supposed to pay utilities but often skimps, while her BF pays $300 a month (the mortgage is $753 a mo). My husband won't let them put the utilities in their name (he thinks this will prove that MIL doesn't live there and that will have tax implications, blah blah...he doesn't know what he's talking about but whatever! MIL doesn't file taxes). The house can't even be refinanced unless my MIL gets involved and she is very confused these days. I pay her mortgage online and I pay the utilites...doing constant battle with stepd. to pay her share (too lazy to work full time....always giving her so-called salon as an excuse). I am tired of this arrangement. If I were MIL and of sound mind, I would kick SD out and sue my son for what he has allowed to go on at my property. Any opinions? I have even thought about calling a lawyer myself to make this stop, Not really do-able but that's my fantasy these days. SD is a leach and refuses to grow up. My husband is probably tired of dealing with her and just thinks she's a late bloomer who needs help. Wrong!!
Ed: I have taken recent steps to sit down with SD and make a budget...to help her pay off bills...and cleaned parts of that house many, many times. She is the unfortunate person who did too many drugs as a teen and it shows! She was a rebellious one and regrets that now, but has been slow to mature. My 17 year old is far ahead of her in that regard. Slowly, slowly, slowly I think I can turn her around and get her off the launching pad. I am hoping that if she acts less needy, then her dad will be less enabling. We have discussed this at length: "You have to act like a grown up and solve your own problems without telling your dad....because he just tries to throw money at the situation". At times this works to her advantage, which is a tough cycle to break. She's an extremely talented hairdresser, but she sells herself short and sinks back into the comfortable position of getting handouts instead of really pushing through to make it on her own. It's as if MIL's house is an extension of ours...she's still living with us in her messy bedroom that's a few miles away, right? We were at odds until lately when I helped her bury her dog. We finally bonded. SD never sees her real mom, which is a shame. She's constantly needy for attention and can be a drama queen, which is exhausting and always took attention away from our other children. It's been a struggle.
Thanks for your advice.
Daddy needs to love her tender and love her tough. Stated another way, he must be strong enough to protect her from her surroundings -- and at times from herself -- yet sensitive enough to hold and hear her when she needs his tender touch. Your husband's idea of good parenthood, however, isn't allowing this so-called "late bloomer" to grow up, take full responsibility for her Bohemian lifestyle, and do something to prevent that house from turning into a hovel. Until that happens she'll always be his Little Girl.
Get it out of your system and have a candid talk with your man before the house is gone. Then pay Daddy's Girl a visit and give her a hand with the cleanup as you talk her ear off about responsibility, cleanliness, and going to school so she can get the proper licensing to run a budding business which might be her ticket to self-reliance so she can be completely weaned from her father and become half the woman I'm sure her mother was.
If things don't work out for the best and Daddy's Girl loses the house -- and the boyfriend --, at least you'll have the peace of mind of knowing you did the best you could to help. ... And the courage to put your foot down and let her know she's going to have to play by your rules should she happen to knock on the door one Sunday afternoon asking for a place to stay. After all, she's your husband's daughter.
A man's home is his castle until the Queen arrives, so let them both know who's really in charge.
Good luck.
-- ED
SD's BF moved out last night....can't say I blame him but she's already crying that she won't be able to pay rent. He took the tiny dog and left her with the other 3 big ones and the cats. The BF works for us...AWKWARD!! (He is a great employee..too bad he has such a ditz for a GF.) Hubby does not know about this yet. I'm hoping it will blow over. Happy Holidays!!
Bottom line is your hub won't change, the sd won't change, sounds like at least the BF is pitching in a bit....wouldn't it be funny if he were the most responsible of the group? :o(
Take care and get yourself some quality ME time.
First, our government long ago figured out how to "cheat" on unemployement figures. If they say, for example, "9 miliion", the truth may well be that there are 20 million people who would be glad to start tomorrow on a job that pays 2/3'rds of what they earned formerly.
So, in light of that, your SD's desire to create a "legal" hair salon does not seem all that evil.
Second, due to the decimation of the housing market, so many people have lost their houses outright that having a plan to hold onto your MIL's (possibly underwater) home may actually be the best option. Or at least a competitive one. After all, you said the house was empty for a year.
You have to remember that right now as congress works hard to give tax cuts to the wealthiest 1%, many of the people who actually work, used to work, and want very much to work, are getting creamed. Not just your family.
So, while in normal times your story would seem like a clear cut case of sloth and mismanagment, in these times it could be just one more case out of millions of others where people are doing whatever they can to hang on.
Regardless of everything else, It sounds like your husband needs to impose some rules on property maintenance. Unless SD and boyfriend are physically disabled, then the "squalor" is just inexcusable.