My mom died tonight at her assisted living facility. She was in pain, and I ran to get help. I got into a 15 minute argument with the nurse trying to get them to up her level of morphine, but by the time I came back, she was gone. I feel so guilty. I want to throw up and pull my hair out and rend my clothes yet, I’m just sitting here at home, in shock. I am sad, but was also so fearful of further decline for her.
With her passing, something comes to a close for me. 10 years of being the primary point person/ POA/caregiver for her and my dad ( dementia/Parkinson’s). I simultaneously feel I made so many mistakes, and that I should have done more, and am exhausted when I look at what’s left of my life after the time consuming work of moving them, caring for them, then finding them a facility, then advocating for them, handling things like doing their taxes, visiting every week, etc etc etc. A million times feel they suffered from my ignorance. I regretted I was not a clinician, because I felt so inept navigating the health care system.
So I came to tell people who I know would understand when so many didn’t and gave me bs platitudes and empty promises. And to say thank you. I’ve been a long Time lurker who has favorited so many of your posts because they have been a life saver to me. Thank you to you all. You, and this community are a painful blessing. In the silence of sitting, and my grief, I pondered on gratitude, and this forum flew up like a butterfly in my mind. I realized this, and thought I’d say so.
You are a wonderful human being and you gave 10 years.
Mom might have been waiting for you to leave the room; to pass. That argument might have happened - no matter what you did.
Guilt is one of those crippling emotions that we or others impose upon ourselves.
PLEASE know that in 10 years: if you didn't make any mistakes.... then you were not doing anything.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I hope you can find a way to live now for yourself, now. I think that you have given so much already. Please, take care of yourself.
-Bevel
Take the time you need to grieve.
Of course during caregiving, we make mistakes. We could have, should have done more, done it better, been nicer, been more patient and on and on. But we are human and have our own needs, needs of our spouses, children, grandchildren, et etc. Life is complicated.
the butterfly image is lovely.....so glad that this place has been a resource for you...
The same goes with caring for our elderly parents. We know what we know, and we aren't doctors, nurses, or specialists in geriatrics. Whatever we do wrong most likely has nothing to do with the eventual outcome, so stop beating yourself up.
Your mom is at peace, and eventually you will be, too. Give yourself the time to grieve and recover. Don't waste your time blaming yourself or others for her end, because it was coming one way or another.
I am sorry for your loss.
((hugs))
cxmoody, you're right. It would be right to pay forward the guidance and peace I've received from this community. I'll be lurking in the days ahead.
Peace and sustenance to you all of this arduous journey,
Anita
If it was simply loving and hugging our parent, or spouse, child; it would be pretty.
But it's not. It's hours on the phone with a lawyer, a pharmacist, a "front office" person, and over-worked charge nurse at the nurses station. Some of us wake up, hearing our parent or in-law calling us...and they are not. We are exhausted in so many ways.
I hope you find a space to just be calm, and let yourself grieve as you need to.
Much love to you.
Don't ever focus on what you didn't do perfectly, but on how perfectly you came through for your mother each time she needed you.
My condolences on your loss. I wish you healing and light as you grieve this loss in your life.
Your parents were very blessed to have you, warts and all:-). You obviously did the best you could and please know that it was good enough. Aging parents don't come with instruction manuals and we all learn how much we don't know when traveling through this journey.
You did a great job on a tough assignment, give yourself a break and don't dwell on shoulda, woulda, coulda because every decision we make is based in the present, with the information we have then, not hindsight. You did well!
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and comfort during this difficult time.
Great big warm hug!
You were a blessing to your mom. And, you will be an extra blessing, if you help others who will be struggling with the same issues. Come back and help when you can.
Both your parents are now smiling down on you from heaven, and are bragging to God about what a wonderful daughter they have, who took such good care of them.
So rest now in that knowledge, and take some time for yourself to rejuvenate your soul and body, and start living your best life, as that is what your parents would want for you. God bless you my dear.