I am relaxed and level-headed about what she said, but still hurt and deeply. I am a 37 year old woman that has been taking care of her 74 year old mother for the past 5 years. Well, if you want to be technical about it, I've been taking care of her since my dad died 12 years ago. But for the past 5 years, she has been pretty much wheelchair bound and bedridden.
Let me make this VERY clear, since nobody knows me and I want to really highlight this fact. I do not get paid for taking care of my mom. She makes too much money (which is really not a lot though) and doesn't qualify to have me as in-home support. Nurses come in 2 times a week and a Nurse Assistant gives her a bath 3 times a week. Other than that, NO HELP. I do EVERYTHING. Hoyer lift to wheelchair for Drs. Appointments. I'm there by her side when she's in the hospital. In charge of everything. Food, cooking, cleaning, all me. No help. Her personal needs, shopping, etc. Me, me, me. No help from my brothers. No help from anyone. It is ME. I am honestly terrified of putting my mom in a nursing home and thinking about it seriously consumes me with guilt.
So, tonight, as I'm putting a knee brace on her knee because her knee hurts, she says to me "I can put it on myself". I say, "No, mom, I'll do it." She gets mad, "You don't let me do anything." I say, "Okay, go ahead then." She knows she can't and says nevermind. Then she says "I wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you." I look at her and say "what?" She says "You didn't give me the proper physical therapy."
Now, here's the thing. When she started going downhill, the Dr. did order a physical therapist to come to the house. The physical therapist gave my mom instructions on what to do. Exercises she was supposed to do. She did not do them. She has it in her mind that she needs someone to help her. I try to explain to her that I can't move her limbs for her. I remember the slow downhill regression.
So, anyway, I said to her that I know that she has to have someone to blame and it's okay, she can blame me. But I know that I am not the cause of her condition. It is not my responsibility to be her physical therapist on top of everything else.
Deep down I know this to be true. Where are my brothers? Where is her sister? Where is anyone? It's just me. And I have done my absolute best. None of this is my fault no matter what. None of this is even my brothers' fault that didn't help at all. They all have lives to live. But instead she takes it all out on me.
She's not even a mean person. She can be stubborn and headstrong, but most of the time she's not mean at all. And that's why this hurts. I've done nothing to deserve this and I know that I will never just get an absolute sincere thank you from anyone.
My mom uses a walker too. She had many falls. The fire department had to help. There were ER trips, etc. I was doing it all alone also. It takes it’s toll on us and certainly on our moms as well. They have lost their independence. I empathize with that.
Anyway, the mother/daughter relationship changes after we start full time care for them. It truly does. There is too much togetherness for one thing which causes friction. It’s natural to get on each other’s nerves, say things that we don’t mean and so forth.
The caregiver runs the risk of burning out which I did. I didn’t even recognize fully that I was burning out. I kept thinking that I needed to do better because of mom’s growing complaints. It happens gradually.
Our moms still think of us as their ‘little girls’ and don’t necessarily want us to tell them what to do in spite of them being fully dependent on us. It is complicated. Emotions get jumbled up, essentially becoming frustrating to the mom and daughter.
So don’t beat yourself up about this.
My mom became an instigator and stirred up crap between my siblings and me. I couldn’t take anymore and told my brother that if the only thing he could do was criticize me and he felt that he could do better than he could take a turn with caring for mom. I told mom to go with him. It became too much for me to do. I did way more than my share alone. So she is now with my brother and sister in law until they place her in a facility.
My mom did rehab in a nursing home. She did home health several times that included occupational and physical therapy. She did improve some but Parkinson’s is a progressive disease and at nearly 94 years old she is going to keep declining.
The challenges get harder and harder. Still, you have it worse with your mom being wheelchair bound. My mom kept saying that she will end up in a wheelchair. I discussed it with her doctors and both the primary care doctor and her neurologist said it would not be in her best interest to use a wheelchair.
Sometimes the elderly get so tired emotionally and physically that they simply want to give up. My mom was ready to be with my father in heaven. I can’t say that I blame her. What is the point of a long life without a good quality of life?
I wish things had not ended the way that they did but also realize that not all of us have the ‘happy ending’ that we’d like and I am learning to heal my head and heart in therapy.
I am not close with my brothers for a variety of reasons. I tried many times but we don’t have the power to change certain situations. I no longer have a relationship with mom either. It’s sad. It’s difficult to grieve for someone that isn’t even dead. There isn’t closure.
People on this forum have been incredibly kind and supportive and I appreciate it tremendously.
Please don’t burn out like I did. I wish you the very best and hope things get better for your mom as well.
Vent here anytime. We care. Many, many hugs for you.
So... she went for her Doctor's appointment, the Dr. set her up with a neurologist. And 3 months later, (because they're always so booked up), the neurologist ran some tests on her, basically tells her there isn't much he can do for her. Refers her to see a neurosurgeon. A few more months later, neurosurgeon says she may can help since the culprit is my mom has spinal stenosis and it could help her.
During all this back and forth, the Dr. ordered physical therapy for her NUMEROUS times. I can't tell you how many came in and out. A lot. My mom would do the exercises with them, but then completely stopped after they left due to the insurance time running out.
She has also been in nursing homes before as well, where she received physical therapy for up to a month. I remember her doing this 3 times. The one where she had physical therapy for 1 month, also taught me how to take care of her. And that's where she got the best therapy. But still, she did not do the basic exercises. I remember pleading with my mom to do it, and she insisted that I must be there to do it with her, but all the exercises were for her alone. I did the basic stuff. Helped her stretch out, and reposition, but the rest was on her and she didn't do it.
I know the way I typed it I made it seem like it was a one time thing, but she has had numerous physical therapists. And they basically all say the same thing, that they can only do so much. And that she probably needed a more intensive physical therapist facility. But that to qualify for that she has to be able to do basic care for herself and she cannot.
BTW, she also had neck surgery from the neurosurgeon, but again, nothing came of that. It didn't help her legs.
Anyway, I typed a book. Sorry.
You've given us a lot to think about, but I just wanted to send you a hug in advance of responding.