She underwent surgery and is now going through chemotherapy. She needs 4 cycles we got done with 2 cycles. Recently I saw some msgs on her phone to her cousin (my mom is already married). I doubted her that she might be having an affair with him. I said lots of bad words to her that you’re bald no one will marry you, now he will leave you as well. This hurt her so much she started crying as she was already stressed. She broke down. I didn't console her. Later on she told me she was just telling her cousin how she felt how she was afraid of death she just wanted to talk to someone. I feel so ashamed I can’t forgive myself for what I did to my Mother. I think I'll never forgive myself and I will punish myself with this for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to forgive my self... My mom has forgiven me, she said she forgave me the same moment I said those bad words to her, but I can’t forgive myself my words will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Either there's more at play here or you need anger management.
Apologizing, sincerely, is the only thing you really can do. You did that. She forgave. Let it go.
Your mom is under tremendous stress, in a way, so are you.
Your mom forgave you--that's what moms do.
Don't beat yourself up. Just don't repeat the offense. No more can be expected of you, and as a mother to 5, I can tell you that I am constantly being called out by one of the five and only 3 of them EVER ask forgiveness. Yet, here it sits, waiting to be given. Actually, it's already been given.
1. Consider the circumstances and why you said such cruel things.
2. Consider what you can do to make amends.
With 2 more cycles of chemo, she's probably already tired, weak, perhaps depressed, and in need of assistance. What can and will you do, now and in the future?
Focus on remediation; what's said can't be taken back, so try to compensate. Your mother was generous enough to forgive you; prove to her that you're worth forgiveness.
I hope you are well and can move on. Good thoughts to you and to your mom.
Are you in the habit of jumping to conclusions?
What kind of relationship do have with your mother, in general? Close, friendly? Cold and distant?
Has she said hurtful things to you in the past? Are you both generally not understanding of each other? Is there a history of abuse?
If your mother is willing to overlook this extremely transgressive conversation and put it behind her, then you should find it in yourself to move on.
You might find it helpful to speak to a pastor or a counselor an try to figure out where the impulse to hurt your mom came from.