Unless your parent pimped you out as a kid. Sexually abused you. Chained you in a closet. With held food. Ect ECT ECT. Some of of you need to get a grip. The responsibility for an aging parent is horrific. Unpleasant. Inconvenient. If you can't do it personally, make arrangements. Yes, it is time consuming. But do it.
I prepared for my days, but my wife didn't. Her hopes are in the money she hopes to get from the trust fund that is still being set up over a year following her mother's death.
The downfall is that her mom let her finances and as her will states out of anger that her 2 daughters got married allowed things to be such that the total value is loosing 45%.
The money is being split between the two daughters with the other one getting more because she was there to help her mom. It is assumed that her mother was a millionaire, but how much
On the other hand, my pension and investments equal a very nice amount to live on for the next 30 years since I'm 62 and my dad lived to 93. I inherited some from my parents, but not all that much and really a drop in the bucket compared to what I already had. It's really not wise to not prepare for old age and depend on inheritance.
as did his sister, she died broken hearted by his callousness.
My maternal grandmother likewise received almost no care from my mother. I've seen similar callousness towards caregiving from the "greatest" generation, while
quite a few "me generation" Boomers are working themselves ragged helping out
their parents at the expense of their own families and their own retirement.
Another irony, I often see that the scapegoats and black sheep of the family are
the most caring and loyal. Despite years of hardship and abuse from siblings and
parents, they are often the ones to step in and help when their parent is in greatest need.
I am so tired of these inaccurate toxic cliches, victim blaming and refusal to see
how many Boomers are acting selflessly despite great hardship. Those
Waltonesque good ole days were not as rosy as some would like to think.
Finally, it's high time to quit lumping good enough, or even well intentioned but
negligent or unintentionally hurtful or inept parents with those who willfully and
repeatedly abused their children with intent to harm. If I drive over your mailbox
accidentally once, or even twice "everyone makes mistakes" is a reasonable,
and generous, tact to take.
However, if I intentionally rent a bulldozer and raze your entire house to the ground
"everyone makes mistakes" would be a fairly delusional response on your part.
Intentionality and degree of harm absolutely must be a factor. Some mistakes
cannot be brushed off with the let bygones be bygones approach, without submitting oneself foolishly to continuing harm.
We must consider the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. And make our plans accordingly with everyone's best interests in mind, not just the well being of one
or a few.
to more extreme behavior. All of this has devastating effect.
When these types of abusive and/or chaotic people age, their behavior rarely changes and often, with the help of individuals that share your outlook, they coerce their barely or not at all recovered adult children to step in and deal with years,
often decades of irresponsibility and poor health, etc. This burden often comes packaged with continuing verbal, emotional abuse, manipulation and often sweet
as pie demeanor to onlookers who take a callous view to the now overwhelmed
and heart broken yet again, adult child.
And yes, I've met people who just "moved on" like you say. Without a large amount of support, they've either succumbed to addiction, including workaholism, codependent behaviors, mental illness and worse personality disorders, becoming abusers themselves. There might be exceptions to the rule, yes, but the rarity of
those coming out of this unscathed rather proves the rule, than discounts it.
It is the callous, "get over it", quite your whining attitude on part of some unaffected bystanders that ironically keep the victims of abuse stuck for years questioning themselves and exposing themselves needlessly to added years of mistreatment. Fastest way to heal and move on, ironically, is to recognize the toxicity for what it is, realize the harm it causes to body and soul, and to cut ties completely. Then and only then can you heal from the damage.
If you're not convinced that verbal abuse is toxic and capable of causing lasting
damage Segoline, I suggest you spend time around verbally abusive people for an extended period, say several months. Do for them and expect nothing in
return but contempt, rage, humiliation, and manipulation. Have your efforts discounted and criticized. Receive little to no praise and stand by and watch others who have done little to nothing be lavished with kindness and gratitude,
while you are chided and ridiculed. Work yourself into exhaustion attempting to keep up with their demands that brook no negotiation, after all they're sick and old and you're not, and then ask yourself at the end, how's your quality of life?
Now imagine yourself at the age of three in a similar situation and think about how'd you'd fare? Any tearful request for help or mercy met with ridicule both within and without the home. A tiny glimpse into the reality some people with personality disordered, mentally ill, addicted parents face. It's hard enough dealing with such people as an adult, it is devastating to deal with them as a child.
The lasting effects are very very real and resurface again when the abusive elder,
with their poorly planned retirements, etc, descend once again to feed upon and
dump upon their never loved, never cared for, thoroughly exploited adult children.
It is precisely your perspective that keeps this travesty enduring through the
generations. Abuse for the children, veneration for the adults. An entrenched
system of hierarchical bullying that favors those who have unfair advantage over
the young, the weak, the poor, and the loving. It breeds callousness, abuse,
and exploitation.
At some point in our lives we have found ourselves dealing with something most are not equipped to take on and that is care taking for an elderly parent or spouse. Since this is all new to many of us we are looking for answers of what is the best way to go about this monumental task assigned to us and possibly some support from others that are also facing (or have faced) the same issues.
I'm surpised that you can't seem to see the underlying anxiety/fear in many of the posts on here and that sometimes people just need to be able to vent.
Sometimes just sometimes during a venting session constructive suggestions come up and it's a Godsend for that person that is having a stressful time.
Personally, I don't agree with the idea of extending "personal" responsibility beyond the individual. I'm responsible for myself, and my family members, including parents, are responsible for themselves. I would also rather pay taxes to make sure all needy elderly get care than impose the responsibility on family members, who may or may not be able or willing to provide it.
My mother also was not eligible for public benefits (income a bit too high, health issues not quite dire enough) and ended up dying at home. And I did take care of her until the end. I wish I'd had the option of only taking care of her "at" the end and having the freedom to live my own life up until that point. But she did not plan well either, became increasingly disabled over a period of years, and needed help with everyday tasks like driving, shopping, meals, laundry, etc. And did not have money for paid help or assisted living. I don't think that's the ideal, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody else, let alone claim that it's their responsibility.
My mother treated us okay but not great when we were kids. I hesitate to add that because I really think it's beside the point.
I don't get it
Once, when my father was pointing a gun at my mother - she grabbed me and held me in front of her as her “human shield”. Does that count?
Or do I just need to “get a grip”?
Even though your post doesn’t deserve a comment, I feel compelled to say my peace.
I grew up as the only child of 2 alcoholics. Mother was also narcissistic. They divorced when I was 5. Mom remarried 2 years later, dad had a live-in girlfriend. Both continued to drink.
I was not “pimped out”, sexually abused, chained to a closet or had food withheld. But I did have a lot of the ETC., ETC., ETC. That involved cleaning up puke, putting passed out parents to bed, lying to telephone callers, being demeaned, called a whore (at 10 yrs. old), told I’d wind up barefoot and pregnant, and more ETC., ETC., ETC.
I wound up taking care of both these “model” parents until they died. And, much to their surprise, I actually graduated from college (nurse), something that neither of them did.
You don’t have to have been severely mistreated to suffer mental anguish. I was not severely mistreated but my childhood was traumatic by some psychologists estimations. By the grace of God, I overcame my parents ignorance and even tended to them in their years of need.
Your call to “buck up” is ridiculous. Mental scars can be more devastating than physical scars. But, because some can not do physical caregiving, doesn’t mean they have failed. Each person can (and should only do) what they can tolerate.
Tolerance. I suggest you look up that word in the dictionary. It’s the modern way to get along, while respecting everyone’s rights.
I hope your day went or goes well! God bless you:)
Thank you! Everyone here needs help or validation or something, or else none of us would be here. I have received so much comfort from others' postings, most everyone... but then now and then there is someone who thinks we should just suck it up and take anything life passes our way .... and I'd be willing to bet that most who come here have been through a lot before seeking support. Anyway, it's mostly been a better day today.
I could not have said that any better than you. Way-to-go!
There is not a day goes by that I wish I would have moved out of my mother's home, but like you, who would have taken care of her or her house? Plus, I was afraid of my brother moving himself and his junky friends in and verbally, financially, and physically abusing my mother. My mother use to tell me "you can get out of my house when ever you like. I don't need your help!" Me, "Really, because you are not paying the taxes, can't keep up on the house, scared to be here at night (the house was broken into 2 times 8 yrs ago), & some much more, and you don't want to move." However, she has finally quit saying those things. I hope your mom comes to realize she should be thankful for your help and all that you do.
Hugs!
HOW DARE YOU decide for each one of us what to do !!!!!!!!
WOW! It must be so awesome to have the solution to everyone's problem here on this forum.
Not everybody can be a hands on caregiver at the same point not everybody can put a LO in a AL or a NH. Everybodys situation is different.
Some people have small kids to take care of, so what are they to do? Sacrifice their lives, their kids lives to take care of a LO, and pray they don't lose their homes, their kids don't get screwed up in the process? For others, like myself there is no money for AL or the LO doesn't meet the criteria for a NH.
I am so sick and tired of people telling other people what 'They' should do or don't do in this matter.
We have a few people here telling others "put your LO in a NH," or "kick them out of your life," or like you, telling people "you should take care of your LO at home." Who are you to judge anybody here for their decisions on a situation that you know nothing about?
Don't even get me started with good parents vs bad parents bull crap, because again "No body has the right to judge anybody about the pain and/or abuse they went through."
You are all up in people's kool aid and don't even know the flavor!!!
You really shouldn't be on this forum. I read your posts, and you are always trying to stir up something or trying to make conversation and when you don't get whatever it is your looking for then you do this. It has become a pattern!
I see you!!
as a matter of fact, it’s simply a matter of opinion that it’s their responsibility in the first place.
did it occur to anyone that times have change drastically? It’s not just about boomers and their aging parents. Many “boomers” are in need of care and financial help themselves and failed to plan for one reason or another. The fact is, many of them simply couldn’t afford to. Gone are the days where a mans income was enough to provide a comfortable life & women stayed home. No, today and for a very long time, it’s been necessary to have a double income in order to survive.
there are only 20 years between my husband and his father. Our children are under 12, as are my BIL and SILs children. My FIL is spending the rest of his life in a nursing home. Judge away, I really don’t give a damn. His children aren’t outsourcing their responsibility by any means. They EACH have young families and must work in order to keep a roof of their heads and food on the table. My FIL requires 24 hour care, he’s on oxygen, has a catheter and a chest tube and is bedbound. Can’t do a damn thing for himself anymore. His kids are not qualified to provide the care he needs. And people like you think his children should enslave themselves to him!!! Gimme a freakin break! For one of them to take him in, it would require leaving their job and sacrificing an income they can’t afford to lose. His piddly social security check (because he didn’t plan for old age) wouldn’t come close to making up for that loss of income. And to think, people out there really believe they are horrible and cast judgement on them for outsourcing their responsibility. Why does it even matter? Why doesn’t it matter to people, that these people are being well cared for by qualified people?
who are you, me or anyone else to decide what our responsibilities as children are anyway? No one gets to sit here and tell others how to live their lives and then judge them choosing to live differently.
So many of us "boomer kids" are families in which both spouses MUST work. We sometimes have adult children who are suffering in this "gig economy" and need economic help.
Some people here have NOT sweet parents, parents who are mentally ill or merely mean and manipulative.
When my mom became ill and frail, there was no one who was able to stay at home and care for her. Nor would that have been a good thing for her; she got better care, more socialization and oversight than she would have at home. Fortunately, she had the funds to pay privately, but if she had run out, yes, she would have become a Medicaid patient.
I'm starting to resent the fact that you think that you've cornered the market on righteousness. Some of us have spent YEARS arranging the care of numerous relatives, not just one parent. Even if one is not doing hands on care, the stress and worry is constant. You never really get over the "jump" when the phone rings. Or at least I haven't, after nearly two years.
We all try to be supportive of each other here.
I have spoken with the state. Medicaid in case you want to,know. Biz director of MC facility. Hospice peeps. So many boomer kids want to outsource this responsibility. And here's the thing. By doing so, it ends up being more expensive for all of us.
Our mom is going to pass away before state aid is needed. Many are not. My post was emotional, most likely.
Just be aware. Should you outsource to a ' professional guardian' .... Once the money runs out, it does come back to you.
Make your choices wisely.
If your parent didn't do all that to you, you had a good life? Um, no.
I'm a parent and did none of those things to my kids. Sadly, we get a really skewed vision of parents on this site. It's where we come to say the things that people with healthy relationships would pass out over----if I had only my daddy and no mother, I wouldn't be here, spilling my guts.
Yes, caregiving for the elderly ( esp grumpy, angry one) is awful. If you can't deal with it, better get some help. But not everyone can afford that and have to do the best they can with what they have.
ETC.
Most folks on the board are either doing hands on care or arranging for help for their parents.
Often, the parent is resistant to having "help". Refuses to leave their hoarded up house. Gives money away to ne'er do well children. Insists that senior citizen child do the physical labor of maintaining the home.
In those situations, many of us advise the person who posts a question here to "stop propping up this false independence". A healthy parent/child relationship is one in which the adult child has become independent of the parents' financial support and can say yes or no to requests.
Not ECT, as in Electro Convulsive Therapy. Which it kinda sounds like you might need.