A year ago this month my 62 year old sister was diagnosed with metastatic uterine cancer. She was devastated and unconsolable as anyone would be. I take her to all her appointments, buy her food, pay her bills, etc. She lives in her own home. From day one she begged to move in with my husband and me and I refused. She is a hoarder and wants me to be her maid and caretaker, leaving her mess behind. For the past year, when she is in my car, she screams ,"I don't want to die!" Why is this happening to me?" "I just want to live my simple life!" The same thing repeatedly. At first I truly empathized and tried to talk with her but to no avail. I begged her to get mental health help but she says, "They can't help me." Now my answers are ,"Well, I can't help you either." She refuses food delivery or anyone else to help her because her home is disgusting. I am not even allowed inside. I offered to help her clean the house but she said no. The only other person that has taken her to appointments is my husband and that was because I was not available. She screamed suicide one time as I was dropping her off. I called the crisis center in her town and they asked me what would she say if they went to her door. I was honest and told them she would say she is fine. They told me if she does not ask for help there is nothing they could do. My sister called me back swearing and screaming at me for mentioning her talking about suicide. I told her that she scared me and she should accept help. She is in no pain and can move around very well. I resent her so much right now that when she gets any good news about her disease I cringe inside thinking,"No! this is going to prolong her misery!" I wish she could get placed somewhere and get the help she needs. Unfortunately, it would take another suicide threat that I would have to tape or she would have to threaten someone before she could get the help she needs. Wow feels good to vent! To all of you that do any type of caregiving, STAY STRONG!
I would tell her that she will have to find other transportation if she can't control her outbursts. You didn't make her sick and you are doing what you can to help her, even though she obviously doesn't see that, it doesn't change the facts. You should not be punished by her for the turn her life has taken.
Love her but, stand up for yourself. She needs to treat you with common courtesy.
Your sister does not have much longer to live. I would not distance myself at this point. I would be there for her. No, you don't have to move her in. Just let her live the way she wants. Make sure she has her ducks in a row. Make up a Will. A POA.
My brother asked to live with us. I said no, like you did with your sister. My brother was completely self centered and was dealing with his own demons, and drove me absolutely crazy.
I had compassion in the beginning but there are situations in which we are powerless to help. I learned that I couldn’t help someone who would not accept help.
I stepped away not only to regain my sanity, but to force him to seek out help. It got worse before it got better. Eventually, he did get help. He met a man that helped him in life, and eventually brought him to a hospice house. where I was able to say goodbye, tell him that I loved him and forgive him for the torment that he caused in my life since childhood. I am grateful that he died peacefully.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I went through a lot with my brother. I had to step away. You may have to step away also. We can’t help people who won’t accept our help. Your sister needs more help than you can give her. Please don’t allow her to destroy you.
Best wishes to you and your sister.
I’m also confused by the response of the crisis center you called. It seems weird that they would ask you what you think your sister would do or say… Aren’t you contacting THEM for THEIR mental health expertise? I would call 911 or police for suicide threats next time, not them.
Whatever her issues are, they're now magnified by fear of dying. No wonder she seems to be in a panic; I would be too. My sister lived through 5 (or maybe 6) multi-month chemo sessions, and radiation in the end when cancer metastasized to her brain. I saw her through these sessions over 4 years, and saw the changes, the anxiety, then the fear, and almost panic. She was a psych nurse though, and other psych nurses at the hospital knew how to work with her on a supportive basis.
IMHO, I would learn more about cancer and how patients react so you can understand what she's going through. If she's getting chemo, study what "chemo brain" is and how patients react to it.
CURE was an outstanding magazine for providing a range of information on cancer and its side effects, including on patients and their families.
https://www.curetoday.com/view/lifting-the-fog-on-chemo-brain
Search for a Gilda's Club near you and check out their activities, which when I was familiar with it had activities that included families supporting members with cancer. The whole family becoming involved provides more support than most people can realize.
I see your situation differently: for whatever reason, she hasn't been able to, or doesn't want to try to maintain a safe living environment. Perhaps she does have a mental problem, but now it's complicated and probably accelerated by fear of dying. She needs compassion and understanding, although I can understand that this may be challenging for you. This is one of the reasons I suggested Gilda's Club, b/c people and leaders there have been through this and are far more experienced than we as individuals are. They may be able to "reach" her, while you can't, especially if she meets someone with the type of cancer she has.
This is definitely not a criticism, but an observation: the friction between the two of you may be pushing her farther and farther away, and causing her to respond with hostility to you. Again, get involved with others who have cancer experience. You may even be able to find some support groups in large hospitals if there are any in your area.
If her suicide threats are real, and not for attention, then she does need mental assistance, but Gilda's Club staff would know better which med pros could provide this than someone outside the cancer circle. Ask about this if you call to get more information on meetings.
Unfortunately for people with "hoarding" issues, the situation is treated with more sensation than compassion. And that really offends me. When I was looking for companies to help clean out my father's property, I contacted various companies with trucks, etc. Some of them even had a questionnaire section asking (a) if the person was a hoarder and (b) if the person wanted to be in a hoarding tv program. I kept that literature only for purposes of remembering these jerks, and never ever calling on them for assistance.