I am the out of state daughter of an 93 year old mother with neuropathy, on a walker, bad shoulders, and living in independent living apt. attached to a larger facility. My sister lives in town and has primary responsibility for mom's needs. I travel to their city where I spend 4 months in the summer to help - but with Covid, I didn't get up there this year. Additionally, I do and keep all of mom's finances and make any and every call needed to outside agencies as needed for mom.
My sister is very dramatic and has a love/hate relationship with my mom. My mom can be very passive aggressive to us both. She wants mom out of her life. Recently, in the past few years, my sister has taken out her resentment and anger on me. She is deeply furious that I live out of state and cannot take my "50% of mom." She stops talking to me, or says something nasty to me, and then apologizes which are now hollow to me. I have had much counseling to deal with the dynamics of our family and mom's aging care. It has helped me so much and I have offered to take my sister, pay for it, to help her deal with this time in life. She refuses. I write because this year, with me not getting there, everything has gotten worse. Sister feels so put upon. I have offered additional homecare for mom, I have tried to arrange other rides for mom if she needs to get to a Dr. So far, my sister does it all.
So this week, my sister now wants mom is assisted living because of her neuropathy and being a fall risk, among other changes that my sister reports to me. Mom cannot afford assisted living on her own. But we have long term care insurance and the possibility of VA funding if medical criteria are met. Mom is still independent on her walker, although feeble. She meets all of her activities of daily living so her long term care insurance would not pay for her to go to assisted living.
Today, I checked with homecare with some questions for the aide who sees mom weekly on changes in mental and physical status. I have been informed that there have been no changes in mom. That mom still bathes herself although the aide helps her get in and out of the shower. That mom still dresses herself. I reported this to my sister and her response was, "well I'm glad you have THEM to ask."
My sister and I used to be great friends. She has pushed me completely out of her life. It happens over and over again. A couple of years ago I was devastated by her stopping talking to me. I'm better now but what a waste. We could be such a good team, but I feel like through this aging process with mom, I have lost a sister.
Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent.
Your post reminds me of my out of town sister. She used to have many theoretical answers but has come to realize over time not to assume.
I’m caring for elderly parents both nearly 90. They live independently but need a lot of assistance. I am gifted funds and am appreciative of that but it is hard hard emotionally to be in this position.
Support your sister with gift cards to restaurants and other places to make her life a bit easier.
i have a number of siblings that live nearby but always busy with their own lives. One tries while another is really missing in action, other than phone calls. I’ve learned to let it go but not been easy, especially when an email full of criticism arrives in my inbox.
For all the siblings not involved in daily care of your parents, support that one sibling who is. There are ways. Just get creative.
Secondly, (and I hope your counselor has pointed this out to you) you ARE helping out. Dealing with your mom’s financial affairs and trying to find transportation for her while long distance is huge! And therefore, it’s something that your sister does not have to deal with. Most cities and towns have a senior services organization that might be able to help with community resources. Would you be willing to find some of those resources that might help your sister out? Could a home health care provider type person take your mom to doctors appointments? When my mom was living out of state, and was able to get herself to the doctor, but not able to tell me what was discussed (due to her dementia), the doctor and I decided to do a conference call between her and myself while my mom was in her office. That helped a lot, as I could ask questions, take notes, be aware of next steps that needed to be taken. Not ideal, but it worked well for us.
I wish you and your sister the best in trying to work together to share the often overwhelming responsibilities you are taking on. It really is not forever, though it often seems that way. Bless you both on all you both do for your mom!
When you are arranging rides to doc, etc. it seems her building should provide it, but if for whatever reason they do not, tap into the VA and the non-VA service organizations, her town or county's local senior services dept, etc. Some run a van around town for seniors to get to appts etc. or have volunteers providing one on one rides etc.
Also keep in mind the Veterans Homes in your state. That would be skilled nursing level care and veterans, veterans widows, veterans disabled children, and Gold Star family members all eligible to reside there. My dad was in a veterans home for two years and many people there didn't seem to have too much wrong except some physical frailty, and probably just help staying on an even keel and not having to deal with shopping, cooking, chores, getting to docs, and fighting bill collectors and insurance on their own.
I am the one who has to deal with the crazy, creepy behavior 24/7. My sister helps when she can, but I still resent that I have to do most of the care. I am also trying to work from home.
I know that you are helping a lot, but helping is not the same as full-time caregiving.
The best thing that you can do is to go ahead and place your mother in Assisted Living so that your sister can have a life.
It sounds to me like you’re doing what you can. You need to see that she’s getting care; you shouldn’t have to provide all of it!
Snd if you want your sister to get back to being your sister then you need to release her of the stress of taking the responsibility for your mom.
If you can't or don't want to move back there full time, you should see if your sister and mom would like to move where you are and find a place close by.
If neither you or your sister want to move, then just have your mom move in to an assisted apartment and live close by you and you be responsible for her, to give your sister a break before she has a nervous breakdown.
This was to check insurance/funding for Assisted Living coverage I believe. (I would be surprised if the insurer went only on the word of family - I would think it usual for them to request professional feedback).
Explain this, apologise & move past that.
Country Mouse is wise indeed - if living alone, could Mother manage? Could she arrange her own home health Aides, groceries & transport?
If no, then maybe you will find she DOES quality for Assisted Living? Or if borderline, it may be good to get ready. Choose a place & get on the waiting list.
I have a sister who lives in town who helps when she wants (and tells me what I should do, even if she isn't willing to help) which has caused a few blow ups - the last one resulting my husband telling her that the next time she saw Mom would be at the funeral home because she was no longer welcome here. She asked me if I would bring mom over to her house to visit or if I could meet her in town so she could take her home to visit. I said yes, of course. Anyway, 3 weeks later she apologized for her blow up and said she was sorry and wished she could say it would never happen again but that we all know better. At least she's honest.
My brother lives 6 hours away, His wife and 20-year-old daughter were here from March-October every week for several days almost (missed a few weeks here and there) when Daddy was in hospice but when Daddy passed, they stopped coming. THAT was a little hard for me to accept. I felt abandoned even though I knew they had their own lives.
When mom entered hospice a month ago, brother called and said he would gladly move Mom in with them as they would be better able to provide care (maybe true, but it hurt my feelings, and they will take Mom over my dead body unless Mom wants to go, and she doesn't).
I try very hard to not be like your sister but I'm sure sometimes I sound like her. I have another sister who listens from afar (Alaska and I live in the southern US) and keeps me in touch with reality. Telling me I can't pour from an empty cup, I need to make time for myself, and, when necessary, gently helps me see how unreasonable I am being. Also have a counselor who tells me that what should be reasonably be expected is not always realistic when it comes to the expectation being filled.
Sounds like your sister has had too much and feels under appreciated and is taking it out on you. Your offers have gone unaccepted, so it sounds like she is taking it out on you and I'm sorry for that. There probably isn't much you can do for her except tell her you will help as much as you can (it doesn't sound like she hears that) and maybe when she complains to you say "I wish I could do something to help you feel better" instead of trying to suggest ways to make it better. She may need to just vent....kind of like we do here. You may even suggest this forum to her. I asked for my user name to be changed after I realized that a sibling might stumble across this site, see my name and read what I had written.
Good luck. I hope your sister will eventually realize how much you love and support her in every way you can.
BBK, if your mom needs not only the daily support of one of her children but additionally needs more and more outside help coming in, she's really not living independently anymore.
I understand why you thought it sensible to run the ADL questions past the aide. Get an objective professional opinion that would satisfy the insurer, right?
Ah me. You were forgetting that once your mother is in the ALF the homecare people will lose a client.
Take dressing. Does your mother need:
no support
minimal physical support
verbal prompting
physical prompting
full support?
And where, on any given day, do you draw those lines?
The project is: how do we present the argument for mother to be admitted to ALF with funding from her insurer and the VA?
It may not be possible yet. I would be the last person to suggest getting too "creative" with your replies. But there is so much that goes on in the way of choice of words and fancy footwork depending on whether the form filler-in's goal is to admit the person, or to prove that she doesn't need admission.
First question first, though: what are you mother's views on moving to an ALF?
Next question: if, God forbid, your sister were to break down and be taken hors de combat altogether, how sustainable would it be for your mother to continue living at home? - because, when you boil it down, that's how independent your mother is.