Sorry for the length of this post but I find this forum unbelievably helpful and just want to share my story.
I am a male only child. After 40 years in the home where I grew up, my parents decided to move from Central Florida to South Florida to be closer to me. The change put my mother into a clinical depression, along with agoraphobia. My mother had stopped driving in her 50's due to epileptic seizures. Every Saturday I would accompany my father on errands to the grocery store, bank, etc. because my mother wouldn't leave the house. He passed away unexpectedly within 4 years of moving to South Florida. That was in November 2000.
So there I was with a depressed, agoraphobic mother. The first thing I did was shore up all the financial arrangements because they were all handled by my father. Fortunately, my mother has relied on me for 21 years to make the financial decisions, although she did get very belligerent when I went to sell my Dad's car. She insisted she needed a car in her garage even though she didn't drive. I won that battle.
She lived close to me, so she had no hesitation about telling me she needed grocery items even when I worked a long day and arrived home a 7pm. She wanted me to come to her house and go through the mail to tell her what was in it. I quickly told her that SHE needed to go through the mail and sort it because I was running two households. She did, and it gave her a sense of purpose. I soon started taking her to the grocery store on Saturdays as I had done with my Dad. The first time we went she said, "Drive by the house slowly. I've never seen it from the outside". Strangely, my father's death (because he was somewhat controlling) and my encouragement made her blossom. She soon started to get to know her neighbors and even went on walks with another elderly woman next door. My mother was only 68 at the time, just 5 years older than I am now.
In 2006, we moved to Dallas. My mother had no choice but to move with us and I found her a condo in an "over 55" community that was purchased pre-construction. We took her there and told her the location was "hand picked" for her. She said it was the best place she'd ever lived. It was next door to Assisted Living and across the street from Physical Rehab, and that has been a godsend as she has been in and out of the hospital for falls, pneumonia, etc. Even though she is 30 miles from our house I've visited her regularly.
My mother was fairly independent until 2015, when my adult cousin came to live with her. My mother was very demanding and used to get jealous when my cousin talked to her family. She would always interrupt and say she needed something. By 2017, my cousin could no longer take care of her.
She was very resistant to go to assisted living, but she really had no choice since I am basically her lifeline. We sold her condo and many of her furnishings. She moved to AL in November 2017 and has been very well taken care of. She is now 89 and has been in and out of hospice for over a year. She is now in the Transition phase of hospice where there is not much time left.
I have been taking care of my mother for almost 21 years. Have I had to sacrifice? Yes. There have been times when I was traveling abroad on business and had to go home because she had medical issues. We actually gave up a business trip to Capetown because her health failed. I've been in the grocery store with her when she has had multiple epileptic seizures. I have taken her to numerous doctor appointments. I've waited in department stores while she looked for clothes.
But, I've still managed to find "me" time in all of this. It is so crucial to our mental health and to not feeling angry about the situation we find ourselves in. I posted a couple of days ago about feeling numb about my mother's current situation. I think it is just that I feel absolutely no guilt. I have done the best I can as an only son and can sleep well at night.
I personally experienced severe depression in 2005 and my therapist prescribed Lexapro. I have been taking it ever since and have had no issues so I asked my mother's doctor to prescribe it for her as well. Since we share genetics, it has worked for her as well.
BTW, Agoraphobia is the fear of going outside or being around other people. When my mother was having her worst issues (even in her 50's) and we would go out in public she swore other people were staring at her. One thing I failed to mention in my original post was that she was a beautiful woman, 10 years younger than my father. He always took care of her, she never worked and when I left home and she aged she felt like she was no longer "keeping up her end of the bargain". That's one of the reasons she felt a sense of liberation when my father passed away. Then it was basically unnecessary to go to therapy. It is just a sad statement about many marriages from the 50's.
I hope that helps.
I found that caregiving in many ways was much like raising children, except the parent/child relationship in the former is different than the latter and even when the roles reverse, there's still an adult/adult thing vs. an adult/child thing going on.
Caregiving is tough because you know they aren't going to become independent some day, but there will be a definite end at some point. We just never know when the caregiving OR the raising of children will end. You've spent 21 years caring for your parent, and I'm still caring for a 24-year-old child in full "failure to launch" mode. I didn't expect that to happen any more than you expected to spend 21 years of caregiving, but we both plug on living our lives while also doing for others. The key is to just make it work for all parties involved.
Not that I wish at times I had down things differently. Patience is not one of my virtues. Wasn't Moms either. I kind of hardened myself. I guess I was afraid if I started to cry, I wouldn't stop or because it was only me. I was the oldest of 4 and a girl. I also remained in the same town. Sister passed, one brother 8 hrs away and the other...doing his own thing. Its been "me" ever since I could babysit. I was there for every hospital and rehab visit. Eventually Mom couldn't drive and Dad had passed. So now its Dr appts and shopping. Shopping done once a week and appts made at my convenience. I had a p/t job. Then she couldn't live alone anymore so lived with me 20 months, then an AL and when money ran out, LTC. And the whole time I watched the decline. Her passing at 89 was a blessing. Yes, your kind of numb. All I remember was the last 6 yrs of her decline. Those vacant looks. Mom being in a world of her own. But I have friends who spent alot of time at my house because their homes were not nice places to be. My Mom loved them all and treated them like her own. These friends have reminded me who my Mom really was.