My threshold for Dad's verbal abuse maxed out tonight.
I work so hard to ignore, respond pleasantly, take nothing personally, remember the disease is talking, but tonight I let my emotions take over. I remembered the hurtful words Dad said over the years, and how I was the only child to stand up to him before ALZ. Tonight he told me I was "lazy, never do anything, and get the **** out of here." It was the "lazy" comment that got to me! I work all day and after they go to bed and of course, I'm "on alert" all night long when they get up and need me - confused - "who is in my bed?" - "time for breakfast (1AM)", etc. I've been here 24/7 for a year and a half. I'm writing to all of you, just to vent. I'm committed to being here and intellectually, I know this will continue and it's not about me, but it hurt, none-the-less. He hasn't known me for a long time. I miss my father.
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I am somehow never going to forgive or forget that she recently said my brother, who calls her about 4 times a year, could do a better job of looking after her than I am! I know she was lashing out because she didn't want to do something (go to an essential medical appointment) and I was making her do it. But I can't help but think there must be a part of her inside that really does think that sometimes.
Even though YOU KNOW it's not true.
You know it.
Those words hurt. They would hurt a stranger passing by his room! The "get the .... out of here" You don't need this abuse.
I understand why it hurt. I have heard your vent.
You understand it's not your Dad talking, it's the disease.
You miss your Dad.
However, there is a different between me and my brother. He is feeling awful about some of the times he lashed out at dad cause he'd "had enough". I was, thanks to the grace of God, and probably the fact that I wasn't there 24/7, able to control my temper. I tell my brother that it was not his fault, but that doesn't seem to disuade the guilt he feels, poor guy.
Stick with it... Neither my brother nor I regret the care we gave to dad. It's what our "real" dad deserved and what our loving mom would have wanted. And, it's how we hope our kids treat us when our time comes. With care and compassion, even if we aren't ourselves and, instead, turned into mean old hate mongering spiteful monsters.