I need help dealing with my emotions over this situation. My partner of 24 years had emphysema. We sold our home and moved to another state where our family and friends lived. I still had business in the previous state and payed rent to stay with a mutual friend. Somehow while I was away for a few weeks my partner got it in his head that I was having an affir with this other man (no way) and also cheating him out of money. This was the tip of the iceberg. To make a long story short, I believed at the time that the steroids he was taking for emphysema contributed to this weird behavior. By the time I returned home, he had become extremely ill mentally and physically, but because we never married I was now cut out of the loop and not allowed to speak to the doctors, although one of the nurses who was an old friend dropped the dementia word. However, he was very convincing and convinced even my own brother, his children and my closest cousin that I had changed my moral character and had become an alcoholic as well. I was stunned. He moved out, bugged my father's house where I now lived and told social services my father had threatened him and attempted to sue my family and have my 87 year old dad put in jail- the nicest gentlest man I've ever known. Rex was 70. He immediately frittered away one third of our assets while I was away and stole my checkbooks and the bank pressed charges against him. I paid his son thousands more to take him back to Canada where he could get better care (he was a Canadian citizen). Soon his son realized it wasn't me. Then he suddenly died, leaving anger and confusion everywhere and so much more trouble I haven't mentioned. Some people tell me it wasn't him,it was the dementia. But I wonder. I need to be in a better place about all this. Can anyone share anything that might help me deal with my anger and confusion? I've always been very spiritual and he became the most horrible person I've known- almost like he was gone and someone else stepped in his body. I'm having trouble forgiving. I lost my friend, partner, close family, home and reputation in a matter of 3 short months and am struggling to make sense of all this. Can dementia do all this?
A few things to add: please keep good records. The states follow the Federal Medicaid rules or they don't get funding. A couple a years ago, a bill was signed into action that gives a five year "look back" on your finances when you apply for Medicaid. The better your records, the easier it is to prove that you didn't "spirit away" money for personal use while trying to claim poverty and get your elder/spouse on Medicaid.
The whole process is painful enough, when you become an impoverished spouse, which is what happens when you are married. But that's how people get on Medicaid. So keep records. If you've been financially caring for a parent, you can get tax deductions, but again you need records. It's the last thing most of us think of when we are just trying to get through the day and help those who need us, and comes as a slap in the face. We give our time, our health and sometimes our lives to help them, and then we have to jump through a ton of hoops to get financial care. But that is how it is now. Blessings to all of you.
Carol
I get even crazier when she argues with me when we are in a time constraint situation. I understand she needs to feel some control, and needs to feel she is making some decisions for herself.
I have asked her daughter to come over and help get her three closets full of clothes in order. To dedicate one closet to clothes she wears everyday and for social occasions. I do not feel she would listen to me about this as well as she would her daughter. I have to pick my battles with her so this is not priority for me.
And I do have to say I get so angry at the daughters for not being more involved. I have to get very firm with them to get anything done. It is tho they have dumped her on me, and yet I have to answer to them. I am not just a "warm body" that shows up everyday to take care of their mother. Believe me, if I WASN"T doing a good job, I would hear from them then.
At least the majority of you have the ability to make decisions in regard to your family member, and move forward. I just stay frustrated and then have to deal with getting my own feelings in order to be present and loving toward my client.
I guess I will have to tell the daughters if they can not be more supportive in getting her health issues tended to and the day to day frustrations that I deal with, and helping me make things more simple for her, then they can find someone else to work for them.
I do not have a problem giving them this ultimatum and will have not problem telling them how much I resent having to battle with them to get simple things done that I have no power to do anything about.
Apparently this has triggered something in me that has been brewing for awhile. So I will let ya'll know how this turns out. Thanks for letting me vent and get some answers that was there the whole time.
Thank God for this sight!!!!!!!!
So not only do I try to understand when he is cranky or hateful but I also have to deal with the anger towards our doctor for letting this happen. I remind myself to remember how he must feel.
Try to find faith, counseling, a support group that has family members with the same disease your loved one has.
And remember, if push comes to shove. You MUST take care of yourself. If you have family that is capable of helping but simply don't because you are here....then inform them that you won't be there for a specified period of time because you are going away (and you don't have to tell where or why).
If the family is not an option, look into hiring someone to assist. If the person has Medicare or Medicaid (and yes Medicaid can suck because you have to drain your assets) in home care might be an option. If Medicare or Medicaid is an option, you may need to place your loved one in an assisted living center.
I know this sounds harsh...but trust me...you don't want to end up on the hospital and almost dying from the stress.
I feel for you and the resentment that you have
My heart breaks for all you are going thru.So many emotions to get a handle on. I know dementia changes people but that does sound steroid related.
But all that aside, pick one feeling and try to deal with that one.It is hard to grieve the loss of someone who ended up being a stranger to you. As was said, try to remember him as he was. Maybe that will come later. There are no magic answers, just know we all are here for you. Talk about things until there is nothing left to talk about. I am sending you cyber-hugs, and compassion. you have a rough road, but you are not alone.
Give yourself time- it will take time until you can forgive-and yes steriods can be what caused a lot of this esp. if they were stopped quickly, I am being tapered off them now at 1 mg. a week and was not on a large dose to begin with-God bless you.
My mother had dementia. I saw the early signs while she was living in her home.
While in the hospital, either something they did to her caused her to completely loose her mind or her dementia finally took over. I think something happened but could never prove it. Regardless, when she was in a nursing home, she didn't know where she was and didn't who I was. During the early stages, she did and said things that hurt my feelings. Other people in the family wanting the money had her cashing checks made out to Cash for $500 each. Mom did not spend that money. When I took over the finances was when I discovered what was happening and that's also when the "caring relatives" disappeared.
I am sorry your situation was so horrible. Yes you have every right to be angry and bitter. My mother died in 2002 two months after I got out of the hospital because I drove myself into the ground. I have never spoke to any of them since. It's easy since they live 40 miles away in another town.
I try to practice Christian principles but sometimes all you can do is ask that the anger and bitterness be removed from your heart so you are not affected by the negative emotions. Your feelings will do nothing to the people involved. They will only harm you.
I know this is easier said than done. I'm still working on it. I am a caregiver for my husband who was recently diagnosed with Cancer and his family isn't much help. They all live in other states and have their excuses...but the difference between me and them is that I would make the effort if it was my Dad or Brother.
So take my advice before you make yourself sick. If you can't manage it by yourself, go to a Chaplain, Counselor, Support Group...somebody to help you deal with this.