No one talks about the aftermath when your loved one dies.
Hello all, I'm Shaddy and I came to this board last year. My Dad had just suddenly passed away from shingles going into his spinal cord, then his brain & causing seizures until he passed a few days later in March.
I moved from my house, my husband and my cats and moved in with my Mom (she had dementia)....I was there 2 months and she stroked. Came home with hospice and died in July.
I was alone with both my parents when they died. My Dad was 93, Mom was 90 and they had been married 70 years. I came here often to read more than post.......as I was the only child and the only caregiver. I had taken care of my parents for several years.
I don't know why I keep coming back here, but I do. I read and I feel your pain. It's like I need to be with others who have gone thru the same situations.
But I've noticed that not much is said after death. People state their loved one is gone....but not the aftermath of what happens in the weeks to come. After the funerals, after everyone has gone away and then it becomes a reality that they are gone forever and you will never see them again.
No one tells you how you will be doing fine and then when you least expect it, a wave a grief will wash over you and almost take you down.
No one tells you that when they die, you feel like your heart has just been ripped from your body.
No one tells you of the different emotions you will have to face.
THEN IT HAPPENS........YOUR body falls apart. Talking care of my parents did a number on my body. Things you make yourself not notice while you are caring for them......and then....wow. Your back is messed up from all the times you have pulled them, tugged them, helped them out of the floor........turned them over in the hospital bed to change them......your neck pain, stomach pain.....Aside from that the emptiness you feel in the days to come. Always feeling as though you are needed somewhere, to realize NOT ANY MORE! The sleepless nights, the nights you can't help but see their faces as they died.......you want to remember the smiling face, not the dead face......but the dead face is the one that comes into your mind.....it haunts you.
No one tells you about everything you need to do after they die. My parents had wills. Dad had his and Mom had hers.......which is almost useless because you still have to go thru probate court, you still have to get a letter from Medicaid that they don't owe them any money before it goes thru probate. (My parents never had Medicaid)......then you have to send a letter to IRS to see if any back taxes are owed.....then you have to let their estate run in the paper as a notice to creditors.....4 months.
So much to do, so many rules and regulations.....this hasn't included funeral arrangements and what you have to do there in the middle of your grief.
It's been over a year.....and I'm still tired.
So even when they died, it wasn't over.
Just had to write this out. I thank you all for holding me up last year. God Bless you all!
Ha, cmagnum! They are still here! I'm back in my home with them & not planning on going anywhere. See, my parents lived right next door to me.....so when I moved in with my Mom, I wasn't that far away. My hubby came up every night and helped me with Mom, sometimes brought dinner....and my cats would visit back and forth between houses during the day. When I came home, it was like I had not even been gone. Hubby had the house clean and neat...my cats slept by my side for 3 nights straight before they decided that I wasn't leaving them again. Now we are all back in routine...as well as routine can be.
I hope coming on this forum and hearing that you are not alone eases the pain somewhat. I've been trying to shut those sad images from my mind and immediately replace them with a more positive one. Lets just say I'm a work in progress.
Without being morbid, yet letting you know I DO understand, yes, the faces after their spirit is gone is very hard to come to terms with. I crawled in after daddy... for one last kiss. Sorry, I can't say much more..... those images are forever in my head.
There, to my knowledge isn't one particular thread about this.... there are a few of us on the "whine" thread, that are going through exactly what you wrote about.... don't be alarmed if we cry.... it's still so fresh, but maybe we can figure this out together? Yes, it's hard.
All I can do is reiterate what Jeanette just said. Her Mom and my Mom died within days of each other. We prop each other up as well as Countrymouse whose Mom died recently too.
All of us on here have gone or will go through this. The part where you said you picture your Mom's dead face and not when she was alive. God.....don't I know that feeling.
I remember one night in particular. My sister-in-law who is such a sweetie and I were sitting outside my Mom's hospital room knowing it could be anytime. We held hands and cried and I remember saying that I couldn't remember my Mom's face when she was laughing and just being Mom, alive and well.
You are not going through this alone my dear. Try to keep strong. I know how hard it is.
I think I left out one thing........one big thing. GUILT! Shoulda, coulda, woulda.....when does that go away? You do the best you can & you still feel the guilt.
Jeanette, I'm sorry you have been thru this and I'm sorry that I must have missed these posts. I sure needed to hear someone that understood.
I didn't know if it was just me seeing the dead faces.....how horrible!
I don't know either Jeanette......I don't know how to come to terms. It has been a long year, ups & downs.....going thru all the firsts (birthdays, holidays, etc) We have to keep going...but it is hard.
Yes, my back hurts from trying to lift her off the floor... I'd sit there and just cry in frustration, mom was soaked... it was 4:00 A.M. No one to help... mom was
such a trooper and would tell me not to cry, she was ok. I WAS NOT OK!
Shaddy, you're not alone. I see both my parent's dead face. Both died in my arms and that is something I may never come to terms with. Especially my mothers.
I'm so sorry Shaddy.....