My 74 year old mother moved in with us 4 years ago, because she was kicked out of the property she rented from my aunt for 10 years due to causing drama and being a total drain. At the time, I didn't want to offer, but there were no options she could afford. She and I have never gotten along or had much of a relationship. I was raised by my grandma from 6 months and had no relationship with her past a handful of weekends my entire childhood, I fully believe, I would be dead or dying by now if she had actually raised me. As a young adult, my experience with her was rough. I would take her to run errands and grocery shop every couple of weeks and no matter what the day would end up with me in a shouting match, complaining about something she had done that day that was inconsiderate. Long story short, I stopped taking her to run errands and cut her out of my daily life. Fast forward to when I got married and became a mother my husband convinced me to work on my relationship with my mom and to start allowing her to spend time with her grand daughter. I was adamant that she only spend time with her at our home, so I would pick her up and bring her over. She would watch my daughter for me on date nights and when she got older during the day for summer vacation when daycare was closed for a holiday.
So it was a big step for me inviting her into my home being a caregiver to my daughter. But against my better judgement I listened to my husband and let her into my life. It was a controlled environment and there were rules, so I didn't feel my child would be in danger in her care. Fast forward to 2020, when she was facing homelessness. Over the years, I had to become a very exacting and direct person with my mother, because she never liked following rules or valuing other peoples time and belongings so there were many boundaries I had to set and enforce with her. It seems to me I am always on edge, just waiting to correct her. I am so tired of policing an adult to make sure she does the right thing. I have so much resentment that I am slowly letting go of because of being left at such an early age, and now here she is in my home expecting me to take care of her in her old age? It is alot, and I don't want to do it. I want to do exactly what she did and drop her off at someone else's doorstep to be their responsibility. I have so much to do as a mom and a full time working person, also being caregiver to an aging parent has been making me feel so angry that I have to stop and get control of myself at least 3xs a day or more. I don't want to set a bad example for my own daughter and be a horrible not nice person who doesn't offer any kindness in the world, so I am trying to let the anger go. But I know for certain, I don't want my daughter to have to be my caregiver one day. Its exhausting, I want more for her. I am determined to make a change and to set myself up in the future where I am not a cause of her anxiety and exhaustion like my mom is to me.
What type of health problems does Mom have? Is she collecting SS? It maybe time to tell her living with you is no longer working. If she needs 24/7 care, maybe she can qualify for Long-term care with Medicaid paying. Maybe Medicaid can find a group home for her. You may need POA to get her help. Ifvshe winds up in a hospital and your told she needs 24/7 care, tell them that she cannot come back to your house because you cannot and will not quit your job to care for her. That she needs to go to LTC with Medicaid paying.
Please listen to yourself that this is not good for your daughter . You don’t owe your mother anything . You have helped her too much already . Don’t let Mom guilt trip you because she did some babysitting . If you hadn’t taken Mom in she would have been on the streets , which would have been better for you and your family .
You tell Mom this is no longer working and she needs to find another place to live . Good Luck , sounds like that will be difficult as she sounds irresponsible .
“I have so much resentment that I am slowly letting go of because of being left at such an early age …”
This woman abandoned you as an infant. I don’t think you are in any way holding onto resentment by acknowledging that fact and the profound harm I’m sure it caused you. Parental abandonment is well-known as one of the most devastating and traumatic experiences a child can face:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-many-faces-addiction/201006/understanding-the-pain-abandonment
I think you should do whatever is needed to get this destructive person out of your and your family’s life.
I can’t see why you are doing this? I would be very surprised if it looks good to your daughter. Unless your mother is a good actor, sooner or later your daughter will come to the same conclusion as you. Get out of this, and lead a good life where you can ‘offer kindness’ that works.
Or was your offer of accomodation a short term fix in a time of crises?
It seems you worked hard to reach a workable 'social deal' over the years - housing for babysitting. Maybe this arrangement worked out ok.
But if this no longer works, or you can see it sliding into a one-sided unfair arrangement.. sit Mother down & have the hard but necessary chat. Explain plans may need to change going forward. That you want your own space.
Maybe you could offer to help her in other ways ? (Besides providing accpmodation) eg locate a womens' housing organisation or a social worker to assist finding housing options. So Mother can find her own new home.
My mother was a huge source of anxiety for me as a child because she took her mother in to live in our home. A mother she greatly disliked and resented. They fought constantly and ruined my childhood. I learned to lose respect for my mother AND my father for allowing the situation to go on for 19 years and cause me all sorts of anguish. My mother lived to 95 and till her dying day, we had a strained relationship because of her poor choices in life. And my father never had enough cajones to say ENOUGH and get grandma out of our home.
How do you expect to be a loving and happy person to a mother you don't like? You dont want to be a "horrible not nice person who doesn't offer any kindness in the world" and you don't have to be. Just don't offer what you cannot give to your mother in your own home! It's not fair to anyone. You're asking the impossible of yourself, do you not see that? My mother was also asking the impossible of herself and playing the martyr by taking her mother in when she didn't like her! Look how the dysfunction ruined everyone's relationships! Instead of being honest, she tried to grin and bear it and failed EVERYONE in the process!
I didn't like my mother either, so I vowed never to take her into my home or do any hands on caregiving. I loved her, though, so I agreed to be my parents advocate and manage their lives FOR them in senior living for over 10 years. I did plenty, but what I didn't do was sacrifice MORE of my life and peace of mind than I already did as a youngster. Once was more than enough, living together. I wound up preserving somewhat of a relationship with my parents by NOT living with them, in fact. By just being a daughter instead of a resentful caregiver.
Get mother OUT of your house before you turn into a bitter and miserable woman yourself, wasting valuable years you will never get back. Years that should be devoted to your husband and children. Not a woman who didn't even raise you! You don't deserve to get kicked down AGAIN by misguided obligations and loyalties to the wrong person!
I get so tired of saying this on here, but I'll say it once again....anyone that was abused in any way by a parent, should NEVER take on the care of said parent. Period. End of sentence.
And yes, my dear, you were abused by this woman at a very young age, and for that I am sorry. You owe your mom(or woman who birthed you) nothing, but you owe your daughter everything.
And that includes a happy, calm, and peaceful home life for her to grow up in so she can thrive and be a productive member of society someday. She deserves that much don't ya think?
I can only imagine that your underlying anger is more than evident to your daughter, husband and the woman who birthed you, try as you might to hide it. If you're not careful it will be you that's having a massive heart attack from trying to push down all that pent up anger, as it has to come out eventually one way or another.
So I would now sit down with the woman who birthed you and tell her that this arrangement is no longer working for you or your family, and that she has until the middle of August to find another place for her to live.
And if money is an issue she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
Please if you can't make these necessary changes for yourself, then do it for your daughter, so she won't end up messed up like you.
And yes, I was abused by both my parents and know of what I speak, and I would NEVER have taken on their care.
I'm sorry you are going through this but I understand. I did not have a happy childhood because my father was always fussing and mistreating my mom and I. My mom died over 20 years ago and I became his caregiver. As the years went by, he required more and more help because of his physical limitations. It got to a point that I could not do it anymore. I do not have any siblings. After a long struggle, he is now in facility. Before he went, I had to learn to set boundaries. His expectation has been for me to quit my job, sell my house and move in with him. I know that deep down he is upset with me because I have not done this. I had to learn the hard way to put myself first. Now that I'm no longer his caregiver, I do not know what to do with myself but I'm slowly finding me again. You do not need to allow your mom to cause stress in your home because that will affect your daughter and your marriage. Do you have siblings that could help with your mom and is she able to live on her own? If she is, I would talk to her about getting a place of her own with maybe an agency coming in to help when she needs it. It is almost impossible to work and take care of a parent. I feel the same way you do in regards to my daughter. I'm trying to make a plan now for when I get older because I do not want her to have to alter her life. It is hard taking care of parent who mistreated you. Just know you are not alone! This forum has really helped me!