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Thx everybody for your kind good wishes!
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On my mind...

I hate Mother's Day and Father's Day for two very different reasons!

Mother's Day just reminds me of what I didn't have and it makes me feel bad for not giving or doing anything special for my mother, because (I guess) no matter what your mom does to you is okay and as children we are suppose to give mom a gift...for what? For making my life h3ll...for being selfish and hateful!

Father's Day because my dad isn't here for me to wish him a Happy Daddy's Day. So it is just a reminder on how much I miss him! 💔
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Gershun: You're welcome.
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Just found out yesterday that my mother never wanted me...now it all makes sense and the pain is very deep with many layers. I have no idea what to do with this information! I just have to keep telling myself "what she means to harm me God will use for my good!" Heavy sigh!
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((((((hugs)))))shell. That must hurt a lot. Yes, God will use it for good.
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Thank you Golden. Hugs back!
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Shell: Oh, I am so sorry. That's hard to have heard. Big hugs ((( ))).
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Shell,
You are wanted here.
Your mother might not have planned you, she might not have wanted children, or more children, but that has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Did she take any kind of care of you?
Did she, or someone say this recently to you, but they might have cognitive decline? People can say some awful things and they are mostly sick. People also say things they don't really mean,

I wonder, as a child, did you ever have a tantrum, and yell "I hate you" to anyone? Maybe it's like that, something like that, and should be just discarded from your mind and heart?

And we know, that God wants you.
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Oh Send if only it was out of confusion or angrier. She said it as a matter of fact!

Through therapy I come to realize that she couldn't be bother by me. She was a loving and caring mom when we were around my dad, family friends or Drs and nurses, but when it was her and me or her, my brother she was mean to me or just ignore me. It was always about my brother when it came to her.

The other night, I told her that she just never bother with me and that I never felt loved or wanted! She said, "she didn't realize I felt that way and she didn't know why." As we were talking she just looked at me and said, "she wanted a family and after she had my brother she was told she couldn't have kids anymore and she was find with that. But 6 yrs later she got pregnant with a baby she didn't want and she really didn't want me! That the minute I was born, I was the apple of my dad's eye. She went on to tell me I ruin her family, her marriage, her life!" She knew what she was saying to me. This was a time when she was "all there." I can tell when she is out of it and she wasn't! She was all there.

Awhile ago, there was a thread that talked about if dementia changes a person's personality and I thought maybe dementia was responsible for making people mean, hateful, and selfish, but lealonnie stated "dementia shows us who the person really is because it removes the person's social mask and lealonnie was/is right!

My mother did state that "she was now happy she had me because I take good care of her and the house. In other words, she is using me, which I already figured she was.

When I asked her why she didn't want to give me the things my dad wanted me to have she said, "because I don't think you should have them, but now you can!" These things are my dad's knives and his restaurant pans that he bought and the travel trailer and the house. He paid for everything not her! He bought this house before they were married. It was his house and we all knew it.

I wish she was further long the dementia highway so I could put her in a MC! I had 3 Drs tell me that she can no longer live alone or handle her finances, but that she doesn't belong in a MC right now because she can still make that kind of decisions. So I guess, I just wait!

I know God must of wanted me here; I just don't know why!!! I feel like a mistake and maybe I am!! But like I said, "now I understand why I felt the way I did. My life with her makes sense to me. She couldn't bother with me because she never wanted me.

Thank you Send for your words of kindness.

Hugs!!!
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Oh Shell, maybe instead of believing she is only using you you might consider that she has seen the error of her ways and now realizes your true value. 🤗🤗
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shell - I was a "mistake" too. Mother was very happy with my sister - the golden child, then I came along and was all wrong in her eyes. She cared well for me physically, but I don'r remember any warm touches, hugs or words. Thankfully my father gave those. I am sorry for what you went through and are going through. I like cwillie's explanation.
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Golden: I am so sorry to hear that.
BIG HUGS.
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I was born nine months after a Christmas party. My parents, when I figured this out and narrowed my eyes at them, blathered some consoling tosh about how they had wanted to even up the boy:girl ratio; but my siblings never left me in any doubt that I was a terrible, drunken mistake.
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Nobody is a mistake. If you were born and are living you were meant to be irregardless of what your parent's role in your existence was or is.

I know you are all intelligent women and instinctively know that.

You are loved and wanted by others whether it be your parents or not.

((((HUGS)))) to you all!
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Mistake to who? After the birth of her first child my SIL went to the doctor to get birth control pills but left with pre-natal scripts after her pregnancy test was positive. Everyone in the extended family on both sides was thrilled, even my SIL after a few weeks. After the second child's birth, SIL had her tubes tied. During a tubal pregnancy 5 years later, my nephew first heard his mother didn't want to be pregnant and hadn't wanted to be pregnant with him. A couple of years later when there was trouble in the marriage, my nephew got to hear his father telling his mother she should just give him custody since she didn't want to have kids anyway.

My SIL was a good mother, despite ambiguous feelings about actually being pregnant so soon after her first child's birth or unexpectedly in her late 20s. Because the number of children was an issue in his parents' marriage, my nephew was exposed to "too much information" at times when his parents said too much during arguments. What never changed is both his parents and extended family loved him and wanted him. Please don't let mere words age and aggravation or dementia have allowed to surface change your basic view of yourself.
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That's a good point Techie, even in modern times when birth control is ubiquitous there are many, many unplanned pregnancies that undoubtedly put a crimp in people's lives. Carrying on and raising those children anyway may have altered people's lives in ways they haven't planned for and some are able do it with more grace than others - regretting the loss of those former hopes and dreams doesn't necessarily have to equate to a rejection of those children.
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It's not that the pregnancy was planned or not Two of mine were planned, two not. My kids don't have a clue whether they were planned or not. I never used it to hurt them. Some mothers, who obviously have mental health issues, use whatever they can to hurt their child(ren). This can be a powerful tool in their box of many.

In none of these cases - shell, cm or I - was dementia the issue. For me I was made aware that I was lacking in many ways, and displeasing to my mother from a very early age. I know I am not a mistake. God does not make mistakes. And I knew it was her problem not mine from an early age. Nonetheless, as I am human, frequent negative feedback took it's toll and I still work on some things. Such is life. None of us is perfect. We all have our challenges.
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Many children, wanted or not, spend their lives trying to get the love they never had from their mothers. It has to to with their mothers not being able to love. A broken love, often pretending to love. It could have happened to our own mothers when they were children, hence, the cycle. Yet, it is a type of love, looks and feels like using others to get one's own needs met.

We deal with it. We can do it. Our love covers a multitude of sins.
And through therapy, we can learn to leave if we need to protect ourselves.
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Some mothers including mine are just nutty. They are just plain nutty. They have some sort of mental illness that just makes them nuts. My mother always wanted a baby sister growing up. She had one older brother. Always wanted a baby sister. Well when my mother was 6 along came a baby brother. My mother said she cried and cried and cried and banged her head against the wall. Sound normal to you? No me either. I have one older brother, when my mother was pregnant for me the doctor told her he thought she was carrying a boy. She said she cried and cried and cried and cried about it. I’m surprised she didn’t terminate the pregnancy! Well surprise, she had a girl. She was happy about it when I was a baby. That’s about it. She’s nuts and that’s it. I can’t change her so I see a therapist about it. I only see my mother once a week. I would never live with her or she live with me. Hang in there everyone.
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THIS IS FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION ONLY. DON'T READ IF IT'S NOT YOU, AND DON'T BE OFFENDED EITHER BECAUSE I MEAN NONE TOWARDS YOU.

From reading books and watching shows about reincarnation, a number of people who remembered their past lives said they chose which family, which mother, which circumstance to be born into. Why?

We all have lived many lives before and we came back to experience different things each time for different reasons. Some wanted to finish things left undone in prior lives, some chose difficult situations to be born into because they wanted more challenges, more opportunities to grow and overcome, some wanted to experience wrongdoings so they could practice forgiveness and understanding, etc.

Most of us don't remember why we came back, but here we are. We make the best of things we are given, or choose to have, so we can grow spiritually.

SHELL, I feel very badly for anyone, any child who was rejected by their mother. That is probably the worst pain one could have. I'm sorry you were unwanted by your mother. Her lack of love is her shortcoming, and her only. I hope you can put her influence on you in the past and move on, and not let it affect you negatively in the future.
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Cwilly,

I do like your answer, but I have to ask "is it even possible for my mother to see her error of ways and see my true value?" I will just believe what you say because maybe it's true!🐧


Golden,

I'm sorry! But I think I can speak for many of us on the forum that we are grateful that you were born! Hugs!!!💗


Gershun,

I know you are right! God's plans comes first whether we like it or not! He is the God of all things and He always has the last say!🐈


CM

I wouldn't mine being a mistake--a happy mistake, but I wasn't! I am sorry that your siblings never let you forgot how you came to be! Hugs!!🐁


Techie,

I won't let her words define me. It just hurts to be mistreated and to hear your mother say, "not only she didn't want another kid, but she really didn't want me!" Like I am so bad. This too shall pass!🐕


Send,

I know this is a pathology in our family. I have wasted so much energy, tears, my youth on my mother thinking she loved me. Had she just was always hateful to me all the time I think I would have been better off. But she wasn't and now I just have to accept it! I still love her I just don't believe her love for me and I can't.💙


Elaine,

Your mom sounds like my mother! Yes, my mother is just nuts! Thanks for the laugh! I am sorry that you had a nutty mom. I am seeing a therapist and learning to except that my mother is crazy and I will survive with her or without her! I am who I am whether she likes it or not!💗


Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, stories and for your support!!

💕💕💕
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Polarbear,

I do believe in reincarnation only because I have always had the feeling of being here before.

I did read some books in my youth that stated "we pick our parents before coming down to earth to get whatever lessons we need to finish...."

If that is true, Why did I pick my mother only heaven knows why! Heavy sigh!!

Thank you polarbear for your thoughts and support!🐾🐾
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Is this gaslighting?
The electricity is out. Would a normal person share that it came back on right away? Not my hubs. I asked (from another room), what is that beeping? (We have several beeping things to indicate the power source is interrupted.)
Again, I ask, "What is that beeping, is it your phone?
He says, " My phone beeps too".
Say what? Again, I ask, "What is the source of that beeping?"
He says: "The filter". Long pause....
I ask, "Did the electricity come back on?"
No answer.
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Well, I would tell you Send but that's just me. Gas lighting would mean some kind of nasty intention of sorts and from what you've said in past posts I doubt your DH would do that would he?
(1)
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Good answer Gershun! Thank you for that!
I keep forgetting, as a therapist often reminded me, it is his condition. I forget, he is not normal in his thinking and words.
I forget, he is not someone I can depend upon.

And, I keep forgetting, I can choose to not ask him questions at all.
Especially from another room! Even though it is tiny living, I should be more polite.

However, he does derive pleasure from thinking he is smarter than everyone. Is it just me, or are others getting to the end of their rope?
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No it's not just you. I've had thoughts that if this goes on much longer I'll surely lose it.

The other day we were waiting for the elevator and talking to another couple that lives on our floor. The elevator arrived but there was someone on it and we are not allowed to share the elevator anymore. There was this nice Spanish man who we've spoken to before on it. We asked how's it going? His response "just trying to stay alive" Then the doors shut and off he went. It struck me at the time that his response would have seemed ludicrous a few short mths ago but today seems perfectly logical. Just trying to stay alive. Yep, yep yep.
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And you gals have someone to talk to!!! Try doing it alone.

Makes me think of

"I talk to the trees
But they don't listen to me..." 🎵🎵🎵
(Paint Your Wagon)

The kitties listen to me.

I have the odd moment of real discomfort, but am encouraged that, despite the flood May 2, we have had no increase in cases in the city so far. I am amazed at that and still slightly expecting to see the numbers rise yet.

Time for a walk outside in the sunshine.🌞 I know that helps.

Of course, with my dysfun fam, I have lived in survival mode much of my life.
(5)
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Golden,
The trees are listening.
When they are in a bad mood, they respond: "Leaf me alone".

Clint Eastwood sang "I talk to the trees"....so nice!
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Golden having someone to talk to isn't all it's cracked up to be. Especially when that person doesn't listen. I don't repeat myself anymore. I refuse to. If hubs misses something important cause he didn't listen too bad for him.:)

And you have us anyways. We're good listeners.
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My husband has selective listening skills too. I think any one of us here could yell, "Fire!" and if one of his favorite shows was on he'd be zoned out. Either that or he'd go, "Huh?" and we'd have to repeat ourselves. Of course, I'm probably guilty of same when I'm reading. Books make good company too.

I relate to survival mode. I saw something online that said, "Who rolled the dice in Jumanji?" Hopefully things are on the upswing and no sharknadoes or anything are next.
(4)
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