I am the only child trying to care for narcissistic and viscous only child mother.
I am a 60 year old only child daughter. My mother is in physical declining health due to osteoarthritis and shoulder and knee issues. Her vitals are amazing. Always good. Her attitude and disposition towards me her sole relative, is highly disturbing to my family and close friends. My husband and I are strong Christians and I believe it is my responsibility as her daughter to take care of her. She lives in her own home but has caregivers who take care of her ADLs. If she misplaces something, she calls me continuously telling me the caregiver took it. If she doesn't like something, whether something her doctor says or a medication she is taking, she verbally abuses me. My health is NOT GOOD, I am diabetic, HBP and have been fighting lung infections for 2 months and my husband is visually impaired. She simply does not care. Her only concern is what I am going to do for her and how fast I am going to do it. My doctor is going to put me in the hospital for the infection and the only question she had was who is going to be here for me while you are sick or if you die? She never asked it I am getting better, how I feel, she truly does not care. Her last full time caregiver just quit for the second time due to saying my mother didn't trust her, and I was prejudice due to her race. I was so hurt. Now my mother blames me for her leaving, not remembering all the times she accused her of stealing to me, being disrespectful towards her or just flat out refusing to do a simple task. I did not dismiss the caregiver, I only accepted her resignation. Now, as always, it is my fault. My mothers highly trained, proven track record, part time caregiver stepped up to the plate to take care of her in place of the caregiver who left and my mother will not let her do anything. I am paying a fortune for ADLs and meal prep and my mother will not let her touch the stove, the washer or any other appliance in the home. The property is in a trust and I am the trustee but I do not want to be hateful or disrespectful to my mother. I told her she would have to give the caregiver a chance to do her job or she would not be able to stay in the home herself but would need to move to a care facility for her own safety. I became the DEVIL to her. I was the worse daughter a person could ever have, I was going straight to hell. Please help me, I do everything for my mother, her bills, her taxes, her grocery shopping, her doctors, her appointments, her medication, her benefits, EVERYTHING. I am on the brink of a total breakdown.
There is a reason why the airlines instruct adults to put on the oxygen masks before they put them on their children. It is so that the adult is able to care for and protect the helpless child. Your mother is wearing hers but has hidden all the others so you are left dying from lack of oxygen.
Your mother is killing you just as surely as the mother that left her children strapped in the car and allowed it to run into the sea.
Only you can save yourself. You have the power and it does not mean being a bad Christian and not taking care of your mother.
You say she is still of sound mind and capable of making decisions for herself. You are paying for her to remain in her home but she is abusing the care you are providing.
Stop answering the phone, she has caregivers or she can call 911. Tell her you will call or visit at certain hours and when she becomes abusive simply put down the phone and turn it off and she can wait till your next call.
Don't threaten her that never does any good, she will just use it against you.
By all means continue to manage her money and pay her bills but do it with her money not yours. if she is living beyond her means stop the subsidies and tell her she has to move to Assisted Living or a subsidized apartment. Start by getting her on the list for subsidized housing as it may take many months for a vacancy to come up.
Now you say your family and friends are worried about you which I am sure is true and justified you are pretty sick at present. Does family mean you have children? and grand children? can they help by taking turns to check up on grandma and take her to some of her appointments do some shopping etc. Yes they will get treated badly in which case they cut out all but essentials and tell her they will be back in X days when she has gotten over her nasty temper. Not easy I know but she is not the only one here who needs to survive.
Now get yourself into the hospital and allow them to give you whatever treatment you need and if necessary and it is recommended go on to rehab or take a break with your husband and relax. Arrange all the help mother requires and if she chooses to refuse it contact adult protective services and explain the situation and tell them you feel she is a danger to herself which she is by refusing needed help.
Tomorrow is Monday the start of a new week so get in touch with your Dr and start the ball rolling. This does not mean you are not being a good Christan daughter and caring for your mother, just the opposite. You can be responsible for someone and do the right thing but you don't need to be hands on and you won't go to Hell whatever your mother says.
Like FrequentFlyer suggests, see if she has a medical reason for her behavior, like a UTI. Get her checked out mentally to establish if she has dementia. If neither
of those things is present, then you simply have to decide if you're going to let your hateful mom kill you. As we old-timers on here frequently quote, 30% of caregivers die before the people they're caring for. It sounds like you may be a candidate to be added to that statistic if you continue on your same path.
If mom has mental impairments, then you will need to act on her behalf whether she likes it or not and whether she agrees with you or not. You're the bad guy because you're the only one who cares enough to take the slings and arrows to keep her safe. If she has dementia, consider guardianship of her and then get her into a facility where others can monitor her care and you can step back and regain your life.
If she's of sound mind and is just a mean old gal, then I'd simply give her the option of treating you with respect and listening to you or you'll let her figure out her own situation. If she thinks you really WILL walk away, I have a feeling she'd get much nicer pretty fast. You're her only hope. Whether you realize it or not, you hold the cards in this situation (if mom doesn't have dementia). She needs you a lot more than you need her. And she knows that, as evidenced by her concern for herself if you are hospitalized.
You are a very caring and giving daughter and I'm sorry to hear what is happening with your mother. I know you are doing everything you can. Please try to get your mom evaluated by a doctor as fregflyer has suggested. Are there any additional community resources that can be accessed? Social worker? Church volunteers? And most of call, try to get some help for yourself. Try counselling or a support group for caregivers. Its tough when all the responsibility is on one person or an only child. You are doing so much and I know its overwhelming. Surround yourself with caring friends and family.
Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue area... on your left you will see ALZHEIMER'S CARE.... click on that.... there are many excellent articles regarding what your mother is doing. Unfortunately, your Mom cannot help how she is acting as her brain isn't working correctly.
Also have your mother tested for an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI] as such an infection can mimic that of dementia. This type of test normally isn't done unless someone asks for the test.
It's tough being an only child, I am one so everything fell onto my shoulders. But then again, there are caregivers who have a lot of siblings and no one helps them out. I don't know which is worse.