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After reading a post today it came to me...why don't ministers have marriage counseling for the parents besides the Bride and Groom. In that counseling the parents are told that the children are now leaving the nest and as such, the parents need to let go and let the couple live their own lives. (Couple should not depend on Mom and Dad) This is the time when the parents (if no other children are home) do things they have not been able to do in their lives.

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@Gershun

If you and your man wanted to actually get married the two of you would. Neither of you has to explain yourselves, but his parents are not the reason why you don't.

@way

Your daughter is right. My first wedding was outside at my in-laws' place where we also lived. It was one hell of a party too. Lots of good food (much of it homemade) and a lot booze. The second one was fancier. Still nice though. The third one coming up (hubby 2 again) is at our house. I like a house wedding. My mother will not be coming because she has not been told. I don't want any ER dramas or saboteur performances planned to cause drama and ruin it. She alost ruined my first wedding, she wasn't at the second, and I learn from the past.
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2 weeks of wedding stress ? Omg , I’d rather have a 2 week honeymoon vacation.

My engaged daughter has said
“ I don’t want the wedding , I want the marriage and honeymoon .”

They haven’t even made any wedding plans. My daughter mostly is the one avoiding it due to family expectations on the grooms side ( his mother ). The groom doesn’t seem to mind waiting either .

I’m the type , just tell me where and when . I’ll be there .
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Living vicariously through their kids maybe?

Some East Indian weddings last two weeks. Ridiculous in my opinion.

When my hubs sister got married his mom was running behind her fixing her dress when she walked down the aisle. Like a scene from Monty Python.
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Gershun ,

We canceled our wedding and eloped because of MIL drama . I’ll never understand why these mothers act like it’s their wedding.
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My hubs and I are common law. He is East Indian and his parents wanted the whole dog and pony show East Indian wedding. Thus the reason we are common law. Need I say more.
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Anabanana,

I hear you about DH could have done worse.
My MIL tried to get rid of me when we were dating. She tried setting up my DH with her best friends daughter , who has turned out to be working the system , getting disability checks most of her adult life due to “ back pain “, however she’s been cleaning houses off the books the whole time .

But I wasn’t the right choice !
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My first in-laws were unhappy that I wasn’t Jewish. My second in-laws are unhappy that I’m not Christian.
Can’t win.
I’m a fine upstanding citizen. Their sons could have married worse.
(married young, windowed young, remarried and had kids)
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@ burnt ,
To add to your post . Some parents can not afford care , have to wait until they are “ sick “ enough for Medicaid.

I agree that the normal parents would be grateful and appreciative if their children help them bridge the gap .

The other entitled parents don’t even think it matters that they were lousy parents . They treat their adult children terrible .
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Not a bad thought. Or I can look at as my BIL is a total mama’s baby in his 50’s while my husband is mostly ignored by his parents (as am I and our adult children) Now the in-laws in their 80’s are talking about building an apartment next to BIL’s house. My husband wisely has located us a good 300 miles away. Who’s winning here?! Hmmmm…..
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@way

My husband would not marry a woman who wasn't Jewish. That was out of the question for him. My in-laws were not really all that bothered with me not being born Jewish. My MIL had a little bit of a problem that I was married before. So was her son and he had a kid, but somehow it doesn't matter when it's mothers and their sons.

When she got to know me she understood why I got divorced from my first husband not because we ever stopped loving each other or anything like that. I couldn't live with the alcoholism anymore. Even though my ex tried like hell to get and stay sober, he couldn't do it and it killed him.

I have two sets of in-laws and I'm cool with all of them.

@JoAnn

I think that parents who truly love and respect their kids do not want or expect them to 'take care of them' in their old age. It's disgusting to me when a parent expects their child to become a slave to their aging neediness. Especially parents who weren't particularly good parents.
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Absolutely, JoAnn. That's essentially my point. I think most cases of parents who don't know how to let go by the time they need help due to aging, aren't going to learn it from anyone, It's the dysfunctional parents who demand too much care from their kids. The functional mentally healthy ones don't.

Ergo, the kids have to learn to look after themselves and learn to deal with their parents.
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Yes, couples need to be told its OK to set boundaries with parents. But it seems some parents don't know how to let go. My Mom sent her kids on their way. She even told my one SIL my brother was her problem now. My Mom never suffered empty nest syndrome. Who we married was our business. Good or bad, our decision. And not once did either of my parents say "Your taking care of me".
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Those of us that were groomed may have been thrown the honor your parent thing . Or it’s the right thing to do . Or how could you place your parent in a facility , etc, etc .
Many come to this Forum who were brainwashed to feel stuck in caregiving .

I agree about teaching boundaries .
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We each have to draw our own boundaries. Part of the problem with demanding parents is that they have groomed their child(ren) to serve them. Undoing that is the responsibility of each of us as adults who have been groomed.

Nothing in this world would have changed my mother except perhaps a brain transplant.🤪

If anything, in counselling the adult children, give more emphasis to drawing boundaries - "leave and cleave"
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Anxietynacy,

Don’t even get me started on all the hypocrisy . I’ll just say I gave it up at a young age.
I married a Jewish guy who doesn’t practice either.
My in laws were not happy that I wasn’t Jewish.
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Way, I was always confused by that too. Like, they can't even get married?
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A former Catholic here .
I never understood why someone would go to a priest for marriage counseling when their marriage is in trouble . They have no experience, nor are they educated to be marriage counselors to any significant degree that I’m aware of . They also live in a different sheltered world than the rest of us.
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I think the whole 'counseling' thing done by clergy with an engaged couple is the most ridiculous thing there is. I remember when I was getting married to my first husband. A Polish Catholic and they were religious. Went to mass every week and practiced the faith. I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic schooling so marrying in the church was fine with me. Until we had to do the 'counseling' sessions with the priest. During one of the 'counseling' visits I thought my husband was going to hit him.

That perv was asking things that were none of his damn business. He also thought he had a right to tell us off because we were living together. So, a Justice of the Peace it was.

When I married my second husband I had to go to religious instruction to become Jewish. After it was done we met with the rabbi, he shook both out hands, told us 'Mazel Tov' and a month later we were standing under the canopy. He didn't have any questions.

Adult children along with growing up, need to grow a set as well. This means standing up to mom and dad because when we marry the new couple's life is about them. Not the parents. The wedding is also about them and not the parents.

This is not the job of clergy to instruct on.
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Would of been a great idea 20-30 years ago, but now people don't even get married sometimes.

Maybe an Instagram, post to 30 year olds to ask there parents what they expect from them when they get older.

If they say they are expecting there kids to take care of them, then RUN. 😂

That's a good idea greaton , need to teach the kids not the parents.
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Not a bad idea but from a practical standpoint the church would have to require it in order for their kids to get married at that church (which is a thing that exists). Then it would require 2 sets of parents, plus the bride and groom. Most churches can't accommodate that much counseling if you think about large churches having many weddings during the year, plus counselors are already in high demand (and this really stretches small churches, many of which do not have counselors outside of their Pastors and let me tell you many Pastors are NOT gifted when it comes to counseling).

Another idea would be for counseling the bride and groom to include boundaries with their parents.

We all have experienced the reality that the only people we can control is ourselves, not our parents.
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My parents and in laws did do their own thing , had longer than average , privaledged retirements . Although when they got elderly , the parents expected that the children were to prop up their lifestyle.

The parents need to be told this should not happen . They need another plan .

DH and I are soon going to update , make some changes to our wills , living wills etc . Working on getting our ducks in a row .
This has had me reflecting lately .

I’ve actually been thinking lately how my parents lived a wonderful carefree time BECAUSE they didn’t worry about being a burden . It was assumed that children take care of the parent.

And my in laws both assumed they would live a healthy life and just drop dead some day . But FIL wanted us to prop up his “ independent lifestyle “ , wining , dining ,cruising . I HATE the word independent . That’s all I heard from that man’s mouth the two years he was in AL .

My MIL ( divorced ) is still alive , in big time denial about her decline , but she doesn’t ask us for help yet and we have told her she needs assisted living . She also refuses to get her ducks in a row at 87 years old . She won’t assign POA because she does not want to go in a facility . She thinks she is fine . I do know that when she is ready , she will expect help . We’ve tried telling her she could end up a ward of the state if she becomes incapacitated with no POA. I don’t think she believes that would happen . Or she just doesn’t want to hear it . Denial is her best friend .

I’m actually JEALOUS of their carefree retirements , free of worries of needing care , free of worry if they had enough saved for care etc etc . They all said they would never go in a facility . None of them ever did any caregiving either .

So not only am I jealous , I am ANGRY that I lost so much time caregiving and now I am not going to have the carefree ignorant blissful retirement they had. Because I now know the truth of what it’s like .
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Isn't THAT a good idea.
How many parents do you suppose would attend.
My own would have attended, but then they already knew all that and could have TAUGHT the classes.
Like most things, those who really NEED the education almost always choose not to pursue it.
I think honestly that pre maritial should do it. Allows the couple to explore so much including financial and familial plans.
Many couples from what I hear online don't even know one another are in DEBT nor how MUCH in debt they are. So..............just saying. I think marriages would be cut in half if pre marital counseling took place.
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I agree, and so much more needs to be done!!! I honestly just assumed this is what I have to do. Because I was groomed to do this.

There was even a saying about how parents will get even for the teenage years when they get older. This whole statement is just wrong
Teenagers are just finding them selves and experimenting. Aging people have had there whole dam life to cross their Ts and dot there eyes . But those choose not to. That was there choice.

My parents took horrible care of my grandparents, maybe they should of taught by example a little too.

My parents had there retirement years, but they want to take ares away. I think many of them are just having a hard to excepting age and death, and are literally jealous of us. They want us to be missurable because they are missurable.

So much more education is needed!!

When I did caregiving, people would say to me why aren't the kids taking care of them . Honestly I never judged that, that was there business and I was getting paid. But people do judge it all the time,

I've heard I took care of my dad, you just need to suck it up. She took care of her dad for a whole 3 months. 3 months compared to almost 4 years. And she was pretty much telling me to suck it up.
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Brilliant! they should
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