Parents who use guilt trip, "I took care of you for all those years and supported you now you have to take care of me!"

windy, I wonder the same thing. I've watched myself turn from 57 to 63 and did live to bury my father. But my mother is like the Energizer bunny on a low-voltage battery. Each day is like her last on earth, but it has been that way for 10+ years now. And I can't help but feel selfish -- like if I live through this, what is going to be left for me when it is all over? I try to look away from the reality of it, but realize that taking care of my mother has taken away the quality of my own life, and as time wears on, the idea that I can ever regain any quality seems more remote. It is a very depressing problem that I have no easy answers to. I know I should be able to rebuild from where I stand, starting now. But I just can't figure out how to do it. I live in a community where everyone around me is in their 20-30s, married with children. When I go for a walk, there is no one to talk to, just young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. The church I take my mother to is mostly wealthy married people -- nice folks, but no mental connection there. The only way I've found to be around people my own age and social group is to go to the senior center.

I remind myself of the song, I'm an Old Hippie.

Jeez.....I wish I could say as much about my lifestyle ......

I getting to the point of wondering if I'm going to outlive these guys! They're mid eighties, I'm sixty. The old folks on both sides lived FOREVER, usually spending the last twenty years or so totally senile. My parents have always had a healthy lifestyle, little meat, no smoking, no drinking, clean air, country living, and not obese. I wish as good say as much about my life! (Well, I'm not obese....Yet..)

My MIL latest comment is how close we've become since they moved to our state from 3000 miles away. That it has made their relationship with sons even better as parents. I told my husband that standing in ER doesn't make me a doctor. Sorry just gritting my teeth.

It isn't so much the emotional blackmail, it's the wholly illogical comparison that annoys the heck out of me. Babies do not arrive in the world with an income and assets of their own, or having had seventy years' warning that they would need to arrange care of some sort.

Though I did especially like the unusual 'new baby' greetings card I got from my mother's boss when my son was born - he addressed a letter to the baby to 'congratulate you on your safe arrival and discriminating choice of grandmother.'

I've been trying the guilt trip myself, for a long time. And I got away with it for several years, too. Whenever I needed some help with my computer hardware, "Who sent you to computer camp in 1985? The least you can do is come over and look at my router." But you know what? He would have probably helped me even if I didn't play the computer camp card. :)

Windy, cheers :)

That's right flyer. I'm looking for one with a well stocked bar!

I am 56,closer now to 57.When my mother was this age she had just retired, was redecorating her house, her and daddy even traveled to Canada and Europe while she had her mother in a NH.My mom lives with me,look at my profile for living situation.She tries to "guilt" me into being more of a "chore fairy", love that term, with saying to me what all she was doing a my current age,I now can shut her up with reminding her she didn't have her VERY dependant mother living with her at 56,she was vacationing.Also my parents traveled to Hawaii, I asked my mother what she wanted me to do if anything happened to "granny" in the NH while they were gone and her immediate reply was to not call her and she would deal with "it" when she got back.Gotta love the warmth.

Love it how parents won't spent money because "that's your inheritance".... fantastic, now I can plan to get the top of the line assisted living facility for myself :P

So if Im reading your post correctly, he is set to go into care? As to money, my folks also don't want to spend my inheritance. I said fine, we'll just stick you guys in one of those cheap and nasty poor farms so I can have your money. That got them to thinking a little.

Windyridge, yes, he does have the ability to reason, but admits to feeling that it's slipping away. I see a lot more than that, behavior and personality changes also. He swings between acting like a spoiled 5 year old, and being despondent about his declining condition. Neither is easy to deal with!

I've already set a deadline, you will be moved into AL before the end of summer. Which is actually a reprieve, since when things here were at their worst I told him he had to move as soon as we found a place. Wish I'd stuck to that, but once things calmed down a little, I thought that waiting until we have the evaluation would improve the decision process. As it turns out, the best-choice-by-far option can handle pretty much anything (wandering and violence are the only reasons they require a resident to leave).

Feeling lost, from your post it sounds like you dad still has some ability to reason. If so jump on that train now if at all possible otherwise you'll end up like me and many others: Dad thinks he is 100% and can take care of anything, reality is, he doesn't remember eating 2minutes ago.

So now I can only wait him out till a huge crisis forces the issue or his mind is completely gone.

Remind Dad of the burden he is placing on your family. Maybe start a little tough love. This is the toughest part, getting folks in care. It's the one thing I lose sleep about, knowing it needs to be done but having no easy way to do it.

Windyridge, I'm getting the exact same thing from my Dad. There's an AL much like you describe, one of the highest rated in the state, in the town nearest me. But he insists it costs too much, he wants to delay moving there as long as possible to maximize his estate.

A friend suggested a line I'm going to try out next time he pulls the "I want to stay with my family" line-- "I understand that Dad, but it's not working, because you refuse to respect that we (his kids) have families that matter to us, even if they don't fit your idea of what we should be." (He is rude & disrespectful to my SO, and hates my single brother's 4 cats.)

Looming behind all this is that Dad's cognitive functions have deteriorated sharply in the last few months. Have an appointment for him to be evaluated at a program for memory & dementia in a couple weeks. His mother & sister both had dementia, so I'm not expecting happy answers. Just one more reason to get him settled into the very nice, very capable AL *before* we hit a(nother) crisis.

My dad got sick and died in the hospital years ago. My mother, however, went to heaven six months ago.She did not require any help to appox 6 months ago and I was glad to be here to do it. MY brother and his family and my family were around all the time anyway. The thoughts of moving out of town after my Dad died was not even in our minds. We are a close loving family. I spend the last six months going to dr visits, etc but I was happy and proud to do it. She lived about 4 miles from me and I saw her almost every day anyway. My daughter and grandson had lived with her for almost 20 years because she was kind enough to share her home. My grandson had health issues and required numerous surgeries over the years. He is now a healthy sophomore in college. Any, it is not a burden to care for a parent but a blessing to do all u can for them until GOD calls them home.

My mother (now 89 with parkinsons, numerous strokes and increasing dementia for years) was the mother from h*ll. She knocked me around, cracked my head open and put me in hospital when I was 6 and it never got any better after that. I learned to fear her at young age and spent a lifetime avoiding her but she'd never let go, nasty, domineering, controlling and threatening, She's been like that all her life and after 50 years of being brow beaten my poor dear father's heart gave out. Her reaction? "But what about meeee??" ... yep, it's always been me, me, me, me.

I got guilted into giving up my home and career to move 200 miles to care for her, After 4 years of pure hell (during which at one point I actually contemplated suicide as the only way to get away from her) she was falling constantly and I couldn't lift her. After finding her on the floor at 2 a.m. in a pool of blood and catatonic she went to hospital and from there to a lovely NH.

From the NH she called me daily, ranting, raving, screaming until, close to a nervous breakdown ... I blacked out doing 85 in my truck... I changed my phone number and made it unlisted. I was ill for several months.

She's been in the NH for 2.5 years now, had a couple more strokes,, now hallucinating, delusional, barely able to speak and what little she does say is totally crazy. Every other time I visit she's into delusional mode, the times in between she opens her eyes briefly then goes back to sleep and I leave.

She has this fantasy that she will again have a big house, fabulous furniture and me to wait on her hand and foot 24/7, even if it means me moving 3000 miles back to the UK with her ... at this point she can't even sit up by herself, is taking next to no nourishment and is close to the end.

Did she lift as finger to help her parents when she lived round the corner, didn't work and had a big car (which they didn't)? Hell no! It was too much trouble, too busy playing with her dogs, shopping, getting her hair/nails done and planning the next exotic vacation. Her mother, Sara, a totally wonderful woman, walked 2 miles each way to get groceries in her 80's because Mommie Dearest (MD) was too busy to drive her. Grandma Sara dropped dead from a stroke. MD has no idea where she was buried, if she was buried, cremated or tossed out with the trash. Sara was such a lovely woman she was allowed a quick and painless exit. In my view Karma has caught up with MD making her suffer to the bitter end for all the evil she did to anyone who dared cross her path ... and everyone caught it from her, even neighbours who she'd never even spoken to except to be nasty. One house she had got egged, and it wasn't even halloween.

I am the only family there is and have had POA for years. I have done my duty and then some and when she passes I will feel nothing but relief to finally be rid of her. At this point I ensure she has what she needs plus extras and pay her bills. Apart from that I don't think I'll visit again.

Every visit brings back 60 years of evil, hurt and misery. Oh yes, and I was sexually abused by a neighbour when I was a child ... never told her because she wouldn't have cared so long as I was out of her way. She told me a few years back that "I never wanted children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to go have a good time", and go have a good time she did. I guess at such a young age I didn't mind the sexual abuse because at least someone wanted me. To this day I cannot allow anyone to touch me, even anyone I know well and trust.

I live in the country now, renovating a tiny house, growing veggies and so on ... homesteading if you like, just me and my beloved dogs and cats and it's heaven. The lifetime of hurt and scars will never go away but at least I now see everything as it was/is - reality. It's my time now. I will only be totally free when she dies.

Thank you for the responses. I did contact the DMV about 9 years ago about her dangerous driving, after she ripped ftont end off a car in parking lot and continued on totally unaware! Police were waiting by her car when she came out of the store. I filled out report as well. They did not even have her come down to assess her driving ability! I spoke to her doctor, he ignored me even after I told him she oders things and uses credit card, and when items arrive to her home she calls credit card company screaming identity theft....forgot she ordered. Scammed by home repair guy for $5000 we never saw a single thing he did. She put large nail spikes sharp end up all around perimeter of back yard fence because she thought people were stealing tomatoes. I called city so they made her remove as it was a safety hazard. She swears she worked for the drug strike force and is responsible for busting 4 mth labs in her neighborhood. That stuff never happened. So sad to see her really be so upset and paranoid and delusional, and brother in law just refuses to get her some testing done, or hrlp of any kind. She lives alone, and I am a target of her theft accusations at times...for stealing lotion and Bible bookmark, oh dear. If durable power of attorney would have caregivers for her at least it would help, but she cant afford it due partly to credit card debt and poor judgement with money. This honestly has been going on for a very long time.

The only other option I can think of is to plan for you and brother to attend a geriatric team evaluation of mom, which should include a specialized OT driving eval, with a backup plan to attend a joint family counseling session if she refuses the evals. Brother is probably thinking what bad people you are for refusing to help the way he wants you to, and for whatever reasons can't see his own way clear to doing what needs done. But you are reasonably protecting yourself and have enough emotional distance to see things a little more clearly. Do you have the option and the evidence to report her as an usafe dirver (being unable to walk does not necessarily confirm that). It is terribly unfair to her that she is allowed to avoid any assessment or treatment for the paranoia and balance or gait problem too. Maybe be wiling to compromise on the ALF if the brother just really hates that idea, if she would accept some in-home care; I sense that you would do things for her you think are safe and practical but wisely unwilling to step into a big pile of poo.

dispatcher, your only hope is for hubby and yourself to present a unified front against brother. brother probably thought this would be a gravy train. brother not speaking to you? enjoy the quiet. doesn't solve the problem of this dangerous woman. unfortunately sometimes it takes a tragedy to take these dangerous elders out.

My husband and I are fighting this battle now as well. His almost 90 year old mom was very abusive to him as a child because he reminded her of ex husba d. We live only 20 minutes away, but do very little caretaking. She insists the favored child do it all even though he an hour awsy. He angry because he wants us (me the sis in law actually since I work nights and am home days) to do a lot for his mom. She is very difficult and demanding. No very paranoid and ruining her finances too. Falls constantly and injures herself severely, still drives but cannot walk without falling. We feel she needs help as she lives alone, but we both work full time still and own and take care of rental properties and raising grandkids...I do not feel we should care for her when brother is durable power of attorney and refuses to put her in AL OR MAKE HER STOP DRIVING! She makes 4 different doctor appointments some weeks, and expects 2 to 3 grocery store trips, lawn care done, and housekeeping. I am not able physically to get her in my car by myself since she is so terribly unsteady now. She calls police constantly on neighbors claiming they break in and rob her, or they are a drug house. Police warned her to stop this a few years ago. I am afraid because she stated to one doctor she plans to drive when broken shoulder heals (major falk 2 werks ago again). I heard another doctor tell her she couldnt drive anymore at all because ge didnt want a kid on a bike run over...she drnies this. So that brother is mad at us and not speaking to us. I feel he is neglecting his duties as durable power of attorney. He should be doing what is best and ssfest for HER.

Maggie, that's an interesting point. I wonder about some of these posts too, they can seem a little suspect, and in some cases the writer is honest about financial circumstances that caused them to be a live in caregiver. Regardless of the intentions I agree with you, it's not an ideal situation. Theres certainly some selfish scumbags out there but think about what has happened to our economy in the last 20 years. It ain't like the old days, dad went to work, had bennies and a pension, paid off a house, kids went to college. In our new Walmart economy young people can work 3 jobs and still not pay rent, so we do end up with generations living on top of each other.

There's a % of people relocating, moving in, giving up their jobs, etc, etc, etc, who are there with their parents and living with them as children -- not caretakers.

Giving up one's job at 40 (whatever), moving in and becoming dependent on their senior parent(s) in return for keeping them company and running errands is unhealthy. Dragging one's family along for that ride is unconscionable.

Amongst the thousands of posts on this site dwell some selfish people who think no one can read between their lines. Many of us can do just that.

You aren't selfish. You're healthy. Stay the course.

Tesoro also pointed out how bad the first nursing homes were in the 50's, 60's and 70's,... I can remember how bad they smelled and how sterile and sad they were. All people our parents age think they are still like that.

Loved the better living through chemistry thing!!! woohoo....it is true. Before going into the hospital, my dad was a shriveled up grey shell, looking like death warmed over....now he has 11 different drugs in him helping him have the strength to issue orders and spew hate at lightning speed. When I asked the social worker if they could consider something to calm him, they seemed undignified and sniffed.."we do not do chemical restraints".....well we can "chemical" everything else!! :)

Tesoro, great post! My mom would have died 15 years ago had it not been for the miracles of modern medicene. Every day there's another life saving life extending drug or procedure coming out. Will they just quit already! But I think at some point the survival instinct takes over and you subject yourself ( or are subjected to) the med doc magic. The parents of the boomers and many of us boomers, are the first generations of better living through chemistry life style. To my folks the doctors are gods and you do what you told without question, just take yet another pill, don't exercise, lose weight, or quit eating junk, or change your lifestyle. Can't pee? Take this. Pee too much? Take that. Been a lazy fat pig your whole life? Take all kinds of stuff for that and still live to be 98 while the staff at the home try to move your 300 lb demented butt around. Now I'm ranting...see what you guys have done......got me all stirred up..........

My husband and I have one child a high functioning autistic. I will be grateful for him to care for himself with some support (slow launch). My parents are both dead and my grandparents as well. His parents moved to be near his brother and him after a series of health problems. I borrowed FFs Not Julie the Cruise Director comment. I have my own health issues taken care of with NO help from in-laws. Ok now but I have told husband that he and BIL will organize care. This has been a source of strife but I have obligation to son, not the narcissistic in-laws who insisted on buying a house 60 miles away.

Tesoro12, BINGO !!

Oh how I wished my parents would have downsized while Mom still had half her eyesight.... now it would be unfair to have them move because Mom knows her way around her kitchen, and around their house... for her to learn a new floorplan/kitchen would be impossible at 97. But crying out loud, why didn't they plan ahead for that? Did Dad think Mom's eyesight would improve? HELLO. Guess I should be lucky they planned their financial retirement well.

I also believe our elders are glued to their homes because all their siblings did the same thing, their parents did the same, their grandparents did the same thing. I believe the baby boomers are the generation that will be flooding the retirement villages at 55+. I know where I live, we have numerous 55+ community springing up everywhere, and selling out quickly.

Here my parents are in their mid-90's... Dad should be enjoying the retirement village swimming pool instead of trying to balance himself on his cane to spray weed killer on his lawn.... and trying to shovel a large double wide driveway just in case there is an emergency and he needs to get their car out.... [sigh]. I planned ahead when it came to my large driveway, I bought a Jeep, no need to shovel :)

With elders living longer and longer... I know my Dad said he never thought he and Mom would live this long [excuse me, Dad's Mom lived to be 91, and Mom had a sister who lived to be 100]. Anyway, it won't be the grown children taking care of their 105 year old parent, but it will be the grown grandchildren taking care of their 105 year old grandparents and 85 year old parents. So look at that sweet 5 year old grandchild and think she will be stopping her life to care for us.

Tesoro, if I could "like" your post 10 times over, I would. Yes! Yes! Yes! You hit the nail right on the head!

It became clear to me almost from the outset that my mother did not intend to give up anything, and didn't feel she should have to. It made more sense to her to have me come over every day to walk her dog and take her trash out than to park her motorized wheelchair near the door so she could do those things herself. The wheelchair near the door looked "gauche" - it didn't blend with her décor!!! I'm not kidding!!! And yes, once you start doing anything for them, they just add on and on as they lose more abilities, thinking that's how it should be after all. My mother also claimed she would have been "glad" to take care of her own "wonderful" mother, had the need arisen. Like hello!!! She spent 20 years in retirement gallivanting around the country in her RV and going to non-stop social events - I can't imagine she would have allowed her mother to interfere with that.

When we talked about moving Mom closer to my two older sisters so she'd have more of us to help her, she shocked me by saying "I want to buy a house." When I asked why, she said "I've never lived in a place that I didn't own." I'm like "Really, you're almost 80 years old, and you think another house is a good idea for you?" Never mind that she didn't have any money for a down payment - that money ultimately came out of my 401(k). (Unfortunately there were no pet-friendly handicapped-accessible rentals in the area, so she ended up getting her ridiculous wish!)

I did assume that, given my mother's own free-wheeling history, that she would reach the point of realizing that her needs were cutting into her children's lives too much, and she would voluntarily scale back. Hasn't happened yet. In fact, when I raised the idea of assisted living with her years ago, her reaction was to break down crying.

I did live in my mother's house for a while. (I am co-owner, after all). I moved out after a few months because her expectations grew to unmanageable proportions. Home-cooked meals every night, and all she had to do was plant her butt in the chair and get up when she finished eating. That got old fast, for me. Couldn't enter or leave the house without her trying to tack some chore or errand onto whatever I was planning to do. Never again!

At least you see the issue coming and you can prepare yourself mentally, maybe even get a game plan together with your siblings. We were not so foresighted. I have often said that the problem with caregiving is that, by the time you get your feet under you, you're in it up to your neck. You seem to have avoided that outcome, so you're ahead of the game already. Yay you!!!

I think part of what is going on is that this is a generation that saw the horrors of the depression as young children and how awful it was for the elderly (so the fear of NHs was burned into their brains at an impressionable time). At the same time, they benefitted greatly from both the overall economic expansion, generous pensions, and programs like Social Security and Medicare, so they got used to ‘someone else’ being responsible for the bill.

They also benefitted from all the medical advances over this generation that made it possible to live much longer with chronic, lingering illnesses that used to kill people more quickly. In many cases, THEIR parents died earlier, in their 60s and 70s, and they tended to die rather quickly, so our parents often didn’t provide elder care to their own parents. Mom or dad just passed away one day at home, or if they went in the hospital or NH, it was a short stay before passing.

Now it is possible to live much longer with chronic illnesses, but at a far more reduced physical capability. So that means they WILL need help, and for a longer time than their own parents’ generation generally did. But they developed this expectation and sense of entitlement as to their own elder years. And apparently, that’s where we come in!

My parents are active octogenarians, but have lately been dropping hints – saying how they MEANT for one of their parents to come live with them, but that parent declined (how convenient…..), and how nice it is that one friend has a daughter that lives with her mom. My parents have a HUGE house (several times bigger than DH and mine’s, BTW) with lots of stairs, full of furniture and stuff, way, way too much stuff for them, but I don’t think they have given serious thought to actually, say, CHANGING THEIR LIFESTYLE TO FIT THEIR MORE REDUCED CAPABILITIES. Sorry, did I just shout there?

I think they truly expect that one of their children will come riding to their rescue to help them so they can stay in that huge house rather than changing anything in their lovely life. They have been very fortunate in that they saved and invested well and are in good health, but we all know things can change in an instant.

And so here we all are, many of us in our 50s and 60s, with this looming catastrophe ahead. I fear the only thing that will change my situation is if one of them becomes seriously ill or dies. And then, because they made no changes over the years, the parent left will be completely unprepared to handle the house by his or herself. They could be making these changes now, when they’re healthy and of sound mind, able to sort through everything and disburse it how they want, and to redefine life so they can remain independent longer, gradually paying people to do things as they need to.

But why do that when you could have a servant living in your own home, who would give up their own life and do that for free? ;-) The trouble with starting down the hands-on eldercare road is that, unlike raising children, it is a DOWNWARD slippery slope. Once you start, you will gradually take on more and more, and the elder will likely assume that’s how it will always be and will never accept going somewhere like AL or paying someone to come to the home. It robs you of your own life and just sets them up for a far more difficult transition down the road.

My mother lived with me for 26 years until I could no longer care for her at home. I have absolutely no regrets about placing her in assisted living. I was lucky that her Social Security and the VA Pension cover almost all of her room and board.

She was mad at me, because I should have taken care of her like she took care of me all those years. However, she does not remember that she went everywhere with us during those years--the movies, dinners, and even vacations. We ran to the store when she could not get out anymore. One time she sent my husband to Walmart, he came home with the purchases. Then she handed him another list for Target. He was so patient with her.

A year ago she entered Hospice Comfort Care. It was the best thing for her since she is now on the downward spiral at 97 1/2. I still visit her and make sure all her needs are met. I did the best I could in providing care for her. This is the first time that my husband and I have been totally alone.

You must live in the Now" Tomorrow is blank check!