Windyridge Posted June 2015
Parents who use guilt trip, "I took care of you for all those years and supported you now you have to take care of me!"
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As for that 5-start resort type retirement home, I have my eye on the place... in fact, I am starting to downsizing my "stuff" [as George Carlin would call it]... chances are very good that I will be living in that retirement village long before my parents will.
My parents won't part with their money, either, to hire help... I plan to hire a cleaning service for myself as I just don't have the energy to do it any more, and I will take my chances that the cleaning staff will take anything as I have been so fugal that I don't have anything made in the 21st century :P Oops, wait a minute, I am beginning to sound like my parents !!
"oh, have a kiiiid, who will take care of you when you're old?''
Ha, what a load of crapola.
It is said politicians hide behind the flag, the bible, and the children.
What I see is a looooot of people everywhere just hiding behind children, and using them as pawns for their own desires.
No good solutions imo. Just endure.
My mother didn't drive and had a terrible problem with her nerves, so she never went anywhere or did anything with us. We walked everywhere or caught rides with friends. My father was not involved with the children at all. We learned to leave him alone and not ask for anything. My mother and I would take a bus once a year when I was young to buy clothes for school. That stopped when I got to be a teenager. There were a couple of years I had no clothes and wore my brother's surf shirts. My mother had become so neglectful that I don't think she even noticed anything that was going on. So I started working a little and babysitting, so I could buy some things for myself. We were not poor and food was always available in abundance. But Dad was emotionally not there and Mom was lost to "her nerves."
So do I owe them anything. Nope. Paid in full at birth. The only reason I am here is that it makes sense for everyone involved. It is certainly not the way I envisioned spending my golden years, though. Where is all that fun we're supposed to be having?
Come to think of it, now that I think back, my parents didn't drive me that much, either, on my request. So the quota of "driving" really has been used up a couple of years ago... ok, folks, you are on your own now ;)
How I wished my parents would have moved into that nice retirement village... that would cut down on driving them as the village has it's own barber shop, doctor's office, bank branch, gift shop, and transportation to the grocery store.
My gosh, I could have quality time with my parents instead of errand and unloading groceries time. I don't have the energy or time to just sit a spell and chat with them.
My view is that there are many pursuits in life at least as worthy as, if not more worthy than, taking care of dependent parents. There are other life-goals at least as important as making the old ones comfortable. Those other things have to get done for the human race to survive and progress.
The problem is, the problem is only going to get worse, as we have more elderly people, and older elderly people, living for years in a dependent state and a shrinking base of younger people to take care of them. I pray we don't get to the point where we are literally forced to become a nation of caregivers because taking care of the elderly takes up all of everybody else's time.
We were not chauffeured around the way it seems some kids are these days. We walked to school and to our friends' houses, and went shopping with our parents once in a while at their convenience. My parents took us to church each Sunday, and for family outings once or twice a month. That's it. I remember driving in my friends' parents cars at least as often as my own parents. That's the way it was back then.
My Dad uses the guilt trip when he can't get me to drive him to Home Depot so he can roam the aisles for two hours and when check-out comes all he has is a light bulb in his cart. In the mean time, I am thinking I could have done two loads of wash... this trip is costing me time.
I honestly believe our parents still see us as "children" in our 20's who have a lot of energy and can go for 24 hours a day. We have seniors taking care of seniors. I believe my generation will not see our 80's and 90's because of stress related health issues... boy, I have some dozes.
It is much easier not to become the hands-on caregiver (or chore fairy, as in my case) if the parent has other options. And much easier not to feel guilty about declining to help if it doesn't fit into your plans.
We do need to do what makes sense. If we can do it, then fine. But if we can't, then we have every right to say no and to look at other options.
My mother has told me that I owe her on a few occasions. However, my parents never cared for their own parents. Both of my parents were busy with their own lives, so weren't able to help with their parents' care. So really, telling me that I owe them doesn't mean anything to me, since I know they didn't feel they owed their parents. I don't feel I owe my mother. She was actually not a good mother. She does need help, though, and me being here makes sense. That could change soon, though, because her needs may be more than I can provide. That is going to be a very difficult day when it does happen, since she doesn't want to leave her home.
My mother and I didn't speak for almost 20 years - raging alcoholic that allowed abuse of her 3 children by stepfather. Denial of abuse. Once I separated enough from the dysfunction with help from therapy and distance and she sobered up, we were able to have a good relationship. I watched my mother provide care LONG DISTANCE care for grandmother in another city until grandmother broke hip. Grandmother stayed with my mother and her sister (my aunt) until grandmother developed bleeding disorder and moved to NH where she died within a month. Aunt (mother's sister) stayed with mother and not with aunt's son (who lived in same city with 5 bedroom house) for over 10 years rent-free until she died. My sister would have had my mother stay with her-fine with me. My mother and I discussed my mother's increasing needs for care and agreed that she was welcome for visits no longer than a week in duration. YOU SEE my mother's parents cared for my mother. My mother did not care for her parents in her home long term and my mother did not move to be closer to her parents to provide care. Both parents were told that they had to move closer to her or be cared for in a facility. So I told my mother that she would have that same arrangement with me. My mother deserved to be safe and as comfortable as possible, but I was not going to be her one-on-one slave. Did that as a codependent child/teenager - not good for either of us as adult. But my best friend's now 88 year old mother has lived with her for 19 years. Worked fine when they both worked, lots more tension as the mother's aging has caused higher care needs and the daughter developed her own health issues. But their family took care of elders in the home until they needed NH 24/7 care, so daughter and mother live together.
No one solution for all.
You bring up a really important question! The bible says honor thy parents. The bible also says that if you cast aside your spouse and children you are an infidel. For myself, I say that making your parents first above all for over 50 years is enough. My father is well taken care of, medical, nutrition, social needs met. If I am no longer worth making eye contact or verbal contact with, so be it. I figure if I start taking care of my own health, I may be lucky to milk another 20 years for myself. Selfish, yes...maybe.
Only you can decide what the next level of the relationship with your parents will be. If they are stubborn controlling people, in my opinion, moving them in with your new nuclear family will not be easy. It may even destroy the marital and parent child relationships that you have worked your whole life to achieve.
Good luck to you as you sound like you have arrived at a crossroads in your caretaking journey. Before you make your decision, I would encourage you to look at assisted living, small private care homes, etc. Do not let them back you into a corner. Let the decision be yours before you agree to anything. For sure, make sure you have the tools such as the POA's wills, etc before you venture forth. Sounds like you have your hands full!
Do I think eldercare is comparable to what parents did for us as kids? Hello, no!!! My mother is fairly well, so I am generally just a chore fairy at this point, only rarely a hands-on caregiver. However, my life has been on hold for 4.5 years so I can live in her state of residence and be available to her on at least a weekly basis for errands, transportation, home maintenance, cleaning, bed changing, hauling groceries and mail into the house and garbage and recycling items back out again. When we were kids, we all lived where my father's job was. We didn't decide where to live and expect the caregivers to pick up and move with us. That's only one example of the differences - there of course are many more.
I think this post raises an important question that is almost always overlooked. The question is not - are we obligated to take care of our parents? The question is: What exactly do we owe them in terms of care? Do we owe them the lifestyle they led when they were young and able-bodied, at our own expense? Or do we owe them assurance that they won't starve or be homeless or be left sitting in their own soiled mess once they can no longer care for themselves? Or somewhere in between?
How do YOU want to be treated? The way we treat our own parents is the way we teach our children to care for us.