After recent visits with my mother that did not go well, I am realizing this is not the memories I want to have. In our case, we have always had a good relationship - even through my teen years - but as her primary caregiver, now I find myself feeling frustrated and angry much of the time I am with her. In large part I feel this is due to her having become a selfish and negative person as she has aged and, oddly not what I remember about her at all! So maybe my memories are flawed but at least they are much more pleasant and this is the relationship I would like to preserve - at least in my memories! Is that unrealistic? How do I put these recent bad experiences in perspective so that my good ones don't become tainted?
The number one thing that helps me retain the memories of my life with my husband before he developed dementia is learning everything I could about his disease. I have not "detached" from him. I still love and cherish him and am very devoted to his excellent care. That he is no longer behaving like the man I married is not his fault. He is still in there, in spite of the disease. I'm sure you catch glimpses of your true mother now and then. Let those glimpses remind you of the woman she really is and cherish the good moments.
A book that I have found very helpful is "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by Pauline Boss.
Best wishes to you as you struggle with this devastating disease.
So the memories I have of her are in one place and what I deal with now is a totally different reality.
I don't know you, but from my observation of myself and others, a lot of the anger and frustration you feel might come from the realization of your mother's mortality. If that's at least part of what's going on, find someone to talk to about it. It helps, trust me.