Gosh - I think I just need to vent a little bit today. My chronically negative mom is in a rehab facility. I take care of everything for her and am completely transparent - no secrets. Pay her bills, wash her clothes, cook, clean, buy her clothes, try to ensure her comfort. I have basically been at her beck and call 24/7. What a mistake because I've created a monster! She is someone who LOVES to be coddled; loves it loves it loves it. She has lost all of her friends due to chronic complaining, negativity, gossip, demands to be helped RIGHT NOW and bad-mouthing my (now deceased) father.
For the last few days she has started calling me at 5:00 am - incessantly calling and calling. Then text after text after text after text - I wish I could send a screenshot, it's quite unbelievable. Even when I tell her I'm at work and in a meeting she keeps going - text text text call call call. She texts URGENT 911 when I'm driving (she gets a message that I'm driving when I'm behind the wheel). I want to scream, "MAY I HAVE A F*^<KING MINUTE TO MYSELF?!?" Nothing is ever right or good enough, and on the odd occasion something meets the "satisfactory" level, it's crap the next day. Now that she is in rehab, I visit her every day. And every day she tries to work through her own crap; she clearly preferred my (now deceased) brother (he was allowed to go to college, etc. but I was not) - now she feels guilty AND assumes I feel the same way about my father vs. her. She harbors resentments about her own parents and siblings. She constantly refers to her "very sad life" and how unlucky she has forever been. She says horrible things to me. She does absolutely NOTHING to help herself, physically or emotionally.
Every day I try and cheer her up, impart some positivity, give her good thoughts...it's exhausting. She is such an energy sponge...I leave depleted, sad and deeply missing my dad; I'm on the verge of tears all the time and am so sensitive to things that normally would be funny to me (I like laughing at myself). My husband is so great (he fell a little short for me this morning, but it's totally okay because I feel like the biggest drag of a wife lately). I'm working on boundaries, because I will need them when she comes home. It's just really hard - I've told her repeatedly that I don't know how much time we have left together, but I want to have happy memories to think back on, so can we please just focus on making happy memories here and there? That seems like a huge ask to her because she loves to wallow in misery, unhappiness, dissatisfaction. I know she has always felt painfully insecure; I know she has struggled with depression; I know that she has had some kind of unaddressed mental health issue her whole life - I try and be empathetic. I am completely sensitive to her newer feelings - losing her husband and so much independence must certainly be very hard - but this incessant unhappiness is her nature, but amplified.
I just want a day of peace. I want to have the energy to clean my house or so some of my hobbies. I want to be excited about the holidays. I want to have time to just text my kids - they are adults and also not very close with my mom. I don't say anything to them about what is going on, because they don't need to hear any more of that stuff. It hurts them when she hurts me, so I don't want to compound the issue. This is a darn rambling post, and I don't even really know what I'm looking for (other than a very secluded beach house haha). I guess just someone to listen; there are plenty of people who have situations way worse than mine, and I try and focus on the good as best as I can - it's just gotten to me lately.
Thank you for reading my goofy ramblings...this stuff is hard!! I have already started a letter to myself for when I get older - things not to do to my kids, LOL.
So we will both have to be strong, you and I. It sounds like you have strong support from your partner in your situation., as do I. But not from any of my siblings.
When my mom was in rehab she still expected all of my attention. Actually it started in the hospital before rehab. She asked that I spend the night there. Get this, her passive aggressive approach was, “It’s late. You have been here all day with me. You’re tired. Instead of going home, just spend the night so you won’t have to drive home.”
I about died. I was exhausted and needed sleep! The incredible, awesome, fantastic nurse looked at my mom and said with such wisdom and compassion, “Your daughter needs rest as much as you do and she will come back tomorrow after she gets a good night of sleep.”
The nurse then told her that the staff would take very good care of her.
I could have hugged that nurse! I told her thank you. She was a sweetheart, for sure. And a genius! Mom did not argue with her. Had I answered she definitely would have argued.
Can you get some of the staff to explain to your mom that they are there to help and you don’t have to do everything!
She is mentally ill. She is never going to be the mom you needed or wanted. You'll need to let that hope go if you want to stay sane.
Of course it's sad and painful to realize that she just wasn't able to be a real, nurturing mom. It's hard to let go of hope. She is a narcissist. Just google "narcissistic mothers" and you'll get a ton of info and it will make total sense to you. I mean, not wanting your dad or husband around because she didn't want to "share" you?! No rational parent would think this! A rational parent would be happy you met your soulmate, have a career you enjoy, and making a life for yourself.
She sees you as an extension of HER. What you want and think does not matter to her at all. It never will. And it's not your fault.
And for the love of God, do not ever ever EVER let her move in with you.
No, you did not make her how she is. Also, you can't control or fix her. All you can do is put yourself on a healthier path and stay there. Tell the rehab people that it is not possible for her to come to your home. Also, if you are using your money to pay her bills, I'd stop that too. Her own money needs to pay her bills.
Knowing how she's always been, the only mistake you made was thinking if you showed her enough love, that she would change.
I wish you the best.
Honestly I still strive not to go bananas with my mom as well, but for me this phone set up works well. Only people I really like get that second #, it's my happy place. When my original number rings I pick up when( if? Ha ) I am good and ready!
Blessings and a hug to you...
I have told my mom that I would be turning the phone off; now she has taken to calling my house phone, texts her caregiver (who in turn contacts me) and a distant relative (who also contacts me).
She has now decided she will not have heart surgery - "I just want to go home and die." I told her I would always support what she wanted, and I will do that. Her decision made me so sad...I had truly hoped things could be different, but I tend to be (foolishly) optimistic.
I don't expend a lot of energy buying her clothes, etc., because everything I choose is wrong. So, yeah, I just get what I get and I try and ignore snotty comments.
I think someone asked about what did my dad say about my not being allowed to go to college; Daddy pretty much went along to get along. I don't harbor any resentments or bad feelings toward my father. She could be pretty vicious (emotionally, mentally, financially - and physically with me); her plan was that I could go to secretarial school and be a secretary like her. As an adult, I put myself through school and have worked very hard to establish a good career; she has always been a little bit resentful of that. She also confessed that she was jealous of my dad and husband because she didn't want to have to "share" me. When my husband asked my dad for my hand in marriage, she said she went upstairs and cried because she know my life was over. ??????
Anyway...it appears she will be released from rehab soon. I am dreading it. I can't do the all-night thing, and then get up and go to work. Worst case is that I'll have to find assisted living for her - she will hate it and complain, but she does that anyway.
Thanks to you all - your support is really, really helpful. It helps to know that I'm not alone, and there are some really good suggestions here!!!
Just like in high school when I intended to be up to something I shouldn't, her mom radar would interrupt whatever trouble I might be considering. Well hell, now all I want is a nap. But of course she called as soon as I fell asleep and said " I need Depends! I need Metamucil! I need that hand cream. No I don't know the name of it, you know the one I mean, etc."
I just want a day of peace too. I took a week of vaca this year just to CLEAN! How sad.
I want a day of peace, hope, help and fun for everyone on this forum.
I hate that phone tag, cat and mouse game they play.
If possible don't let her come back to your house, if it's going to be unhealthy for you. take care.
Even if your mother has always been a bit on the Negative Nelly side, and you therefore think this is only a deepening of her personality, I should watch out. She may be sliding into a horrible, wretched, text book depression for which she will need treatment.
Meanwhile: boundaries. Your mother, I am sorry to say, if she is experiencing this particular kind of acute depression, is going to go through it whether you're there round the clock or go 100% no contact. Stop trying to change her mood by "cheering her up" or pampering her, and instead allocate what you consider a reasonable amount of time and effort to tasks which are of tangible benefit to her. E.g. by all means keep her wardrobe under control, if you prefer to; but do not spend hours trawling shops for the perfect outfit. The latter is a big waste of time and heartache and will not cheer your mother up.
Turn your phone off.
Do not respond to your phone at all when you are driving.
You're right about working on boundaries, they don't get built in a day. But the key one is about managing your own expectations. Stop expecting your mother to cheer up, be happy, and help herself. She can't.
Looking at your closing sentence: your mother is not doing this to you. This is happening to her. It's horrible for both of you.
Er - what do you mean, "when she comes home"???
Is there a Plan B?
There are a lot of health issues going on here. Are you her 24/7 caregiver?
Time for a (BIG!) change! Even if your mother doesn't want to go to AL, realize that she doesn't have the final say. YOU DO. It is YOUR house she's living in.
Why weren't you allowed to go to college? What did your father say about it?
I set firm boundaries about my father (she has falsely accused him of some really awful stuff - and even shopped her stories to his friends, which they blatantly did not believe and they have since limited their contact with her). I told her that I would no longer listen to her besmirch my father's memory and if she had something less than kind to say about him, she needed to tell someone else and that if she exhibited such behavior, I would leave the room and we could resume contact when I felt ready. She has tested me, and I stuck to my word - it infuriates her to no end, so I'm disrespectful now haha.
Less frequent visits are certainly a possibility. She needs to have heart surgery to repair 2 valves; once that is done and she has recovered, I think assisted living may be the next step. Hopefully I will have her house sold by then and it can actually happen.
Tothill - thank you for sharing such a private memory. I hope that was a peaceful and restorative day for you.
Big hugs to you all - THANK YOU!!
Ok how’s your chance to start reclaiming your life back.
Start by visiting every other day.
Make those days off special for you, and your family.
That’s means phone is off. You can chose to phone if you must but I wouldn’t advise it.
Then reduce visits to 3 times a week. And do NOT feel guilty.
When she returns home have SET times you visit or she can call - outside those times - phone off - get a new phone if nes and have that one on for family.
Take up a hobby or activity you enjoy again.
When you visit be cheerful and when she complains change the subject to her dinner, what shopping, a tv programme - anything other than what she wants to complain about.
And smile - your family love and value you
good luck - the first few times are the hardest - keep us posted
Set down boundaries NOW. Stop coddling her and doing everything under the sun for her. Turn your phone to silent and do not return any of her messages. Lay down the law with her before YOU have a nervous breakdown. Then get busy hunting down lovely Assisted Living places in your area where she pays THEM to put up with her antics.
Enough is enough.
Best of luck!
Remember 20 years ago very few people had cell phones and we managed without being on call 24/7.
You do not have to go to see her daily. You can turn your phone off.
When I was going through a stressful point in my marriage, I told my family I was not going to be available and I left for the day. I turned my phone off and I drove to the West Coast. I walked along Long Beach for hours. I saw dolphins or porpoises playing in the waves, I saw a grey whale. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, where I wanted.
I came home about 18 hours later, but did not turn my phone back on until the next day. I never discussed what I did that day with anyone. It was my day and I was not going to explain myself to anyone.
Is there any other place your mother can live? Assisted living? Board and Care? You need to be out from under the tyranny of her negativity.