Upstream Posted February 2022
Sadness with being the "survivor".
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I am an only child and my parents moved me far away from my family when I was 3. Well here I am at age 55. Thinking a lot lately about my family elders passing away, and how I have become the "survivor" with no real support of my own. I don't have children, that was my choice. I have no measuring stick for my memories - what was real? Most everyone is dead now. I suppose we all go through this. I tried therapy but my therapist made it pretty clear she cared not one whit (I think she needs a career change). I feel that ultimately this is the fallout of elder care, and I will go forward with the rest of my life this way. It's lonely.
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Did your mom pass? I’m really sorry if she did.
The last I remember she was in an ALF but planning to move back home against your better judgment.
I have been using Brene’ Browns latest book as a reference book recently. She discusses human emotions and shares her sources. Under grief she mentions different types of grief that we go through. Some not conventionally recognized as grief. That would be Disenfranchised Grief.
Situations that need grieving where there are no traditional mourning practices.
Also there are three types listed from The Center for Complicated Grief. Acute grief, Integrated grief and Complicated grief.
Although the explanation of Complicated Grief from The Center for Complicated Grief is different from this, I think all caregivers have a complicated grief.
Being “the last” and feeling the full weight of that is certainly an occasion for grief. In your case, from reading your posts over the years, I wonder if you aren’t also suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? You have been through a lot with your parents. We all have been through a lot in our lives and it is so good that you are honoring yourself with searching for support.
Perhaps your next therapist should be one with training in complicated grief work? Whether your mom has passed or not, you have been grieving for a long time. Very understandable.
So after writing that about Brene’ Brown I wondered what she would say about trauma. I did a google and came across a great podcast transcript of hers with Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry about their book “What Happened To You?,
Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”. It might be helpful.
One last thing and perhaps not so heavy as my other suggestions is Ancestry.com When I started on ancestry years ago it was only for a few minutes at a time. My mom loved genealogy and I would look up things for her. After awhile I realized that I felt more connected to my family and that I wanted to know more. Reading the census records gave me a feeling of being with those great greats back in the day, Sometimes I was shocked to see how long ago they lived as their stories were so relatable. Previous to this my eyes would roll back in my head when the genealogy subject came up. It was like reading the fine print of an insurance policy to me until I felt the connection.
Big hugs to you Upstream.
Brene’ Browns book referenced “Atlas Of The Heart, Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience”.
You need to make a life of your own. 55 is not old. Find a Church and get involved. My daughter volunteers at an animal shelter once a week. If you work, maybe find a p/t job where you meet people. We have antique/collectable places in my area. All the lady behind the desk does is take the money and wraps up the merchandise. All the time interacting with the customer. Take a course at the local Community College. Libraries have things to do. Sometimes bus trips. See if there is a company that does bus trips. With COVID it may be a problem but they are fun.
I have a friend who was grocery shopping and got talking to a man in one of the isles. Just happened to walk out together and continued their conversation outside. He asked her out and they married a few months later. You never know what life will bring but you need to be willing to put yourself out there. Maybe get in touch with some cousins.