I am a scapegoat child living with and caring for my parents while being emotionally abused by them and siblings who refuse to help.
OK need support. I have a npd father & dry drunk alcoholic mother. Dad is enabler. So my sistter and father hired home health sitter for my mother who has dementia - recent MI & stroke & not supposed to be left alone. Sitter comes in 3 days a wk so my father can run out in the car and go to meetings and all the things he wants to. Well - he has been cancelling the sitter claiming he wants to use her judiciously and he pays for her but - going into a home is more $$$$$. Despite the constant dialogue that I am telling him I cannot do it all he insists he will take my mom when he goes out (BAD IDEA!!!!!!!! HE Can barely walk much less can she!) yet leaves here here alone. He will ask me last minute to stay with her while he goes off to a full day meeting for whatever activity and never comes back on time. If I explain it is interfering with my job or own life he gets pissed off. He has the money to pay for the sitter. He has also cut down the house cleaner from once a wk to every other wk and let me tell you the man craps in the bed and pisses on the floor and refuses to wear accident underwear or sit on the loo. He has always peed on the floor even when not elderly. He is an extreme unfeeling narcissist and he and my one mentally ill sister have upped the smear campaign against me. My mom wants me to stay but I am done. I have to get a FT job far away and never look back. My father is a FOOL. He says he does not want to go into AL and I have said whatever they want to do is fine by me. But then he has extreme mood swings (always has) and he will tell me all about my failings and how I should feel. I have HAD ENOUGH. My question is - as I get my life ready to get out - my dad is claiming to have care for my mom and will take her if he goes out but DOES NOT. He still asks me last minute to care for her and its not fair to her if I say NO. She had an MI the last time her did this and I was at work. He tried to take her to the EYE doctor when she had a stroke and lost her vision. UGH! He did it again today after swearing he would take her with him so I went to therapy and when I got back she was home alone. The man is MISERABLE and moody. There is NO TALKING to him. I was NOT selected as power of attny. MY SISTER IS and she does NOTHING to help.
I admire you for working in the social service field; I do too.
One of the things I learned in my training and in my own time in therapy is that at times, there is a question that's the elephant on the room.
The thought of going to a shelter makes you feel like sh*t. Frankly I think the system is designed that way. Policy malers think that if sheltwrs are awful, people will be motivated to leave.
You feel like sh*t in your father's house and elsewhere. You have internalized your father's image of you as unlovable and worthless.
You really need to get out in order to start to change that self image.
I'm not sure how you expected your therapist to be a support while you were living in such a vile environment. But if you disagreed with her opinion, what you do in therapy is talk about that. Not quit.
Because in your head, you deserve this abuse? Because you're better than that? Because...?"
Excuse me that was uncalled for to infer I am better than going to a shelter. I was a spvsr in one and the trauma from some of it caused me to leave. Your comment was really rude.
Because in your head, you deserve this abuse? Because you're better than that? Because...?
Okay, it's different from a bad boyfriend, more akin to a bad husband and a child is involved. You're afraid to leave mom.
So call APS and see if THEY think she is safe if you're going to leave.
Mom DIDNT leave when she was competent. YOU don't have to make the same choice.
But when you went to therapy and was told that the first step was to leave this situation of abuse, degradation and abuse, you said you couldn't.
You leave. You call APS and report your mother as a vulnerable adult.
Your father is mentally ill. You can't gain love from a mentally ill parent, not the kind you're looking for.
Your mother has made a choice to stay. You don't have to make the same choice.
I got home from work and called by bereft co worker who was targeted and scapegoated by a toxic co worker having leverage....she was let go today. It amazes me that people are able to manipulate the truth to escape accountability and suck the life out of others to that end.
I fear this tap-dancing stress will kill me before either of them. Some days I wish I had the strength to fight for myself. I feel worn down and depressed. I don't know what am fighting for...my life is not my own and it's been so long that I cannot recall that it might be worth my effort. I am tired and feel so hated. It may not be the truth about who I am - but it is difficult at best to stand tall knowing you are doing your best despite the naysayers and manipulators who toss a spin on things to assuage their own guilt in not helping much...if at all.
"Also, you need to realise that his goal is not to hurt you but to please himself - you get hurt because you stand between him and what he wants to do, or perhaps express disapproval which threatens his self-image. But it's not his intention to hurt you. Which is why, when he does, he blames you for that as well.
When you've got to the stage of finding this sort of exercise more interesting than painful, you're almost there.
Bottom line: you're fine. He's the one with the problem."
Well said. Problem is that I do see things through their eyes always - and act out of the shame & blame to please them - guilt that has historically been taught to me: favor parents while forsaking the self.
While my father does things to please himself, I have been forbade to do the same unless he and my mom think of something I "would like". They don't know me at all. Never tried.
He wants to please himself 1st up. I want to please myself, but always have been breaking to meet their neediness and wants. So we both ant to make ourselves happy. Problem is - she is his wife. I am not. He signed on the line to care for her as long as he lives. I offered to help - not be her husband. I have given up my mental wellness in trying to do their bidding while dodging the scapegoat hatred by all siblings. It is a cup I will never fill to make them happy. I have lost my sense of self.
The therapist sucked. She was great at first - but new at her job. Used a lot of colorful language in our sessions. Sessions she said were useless unless I left the house. She suggested I go into a womens shelter... right. Sure. So I quit since she likened my situation to a BAD BF. Big difference.
Anyways. Good advice from everyone.
Maybe Dad will do better and your Mom too if on a schedule.
I know this sounds too simplistic, and may not work with a narcissist.
So sorry you are going through this.
It all makes sense to him at the time. And since it's only you who is inconvenienced, he *genuinely* does not perceive that there is a problem.
It is very important to put yourself coldly, impartially, inside their heads and see things from their point of view. Otherwise what they do makes no sense. How can anyone be so inconsiderate? How can anyone care so little about his wife? How can he not remember what happened last time? Well, this is how:
#1 Inconsiderate? Why, who's complaining? Oh - *her* - well, she's always complaining, she whines about everything! I'm not inconsiderate, she's a whiner.
#2 I want to go out. She'll be fine. Daughter will be here.
#3 I'm not paying all that money for a sitter! They charge a fortune! We can't afford it. Anyway, wife told me she'd love to come with me. I want to go out. It'll be fine.
This will help you to grasp the full import of your father's narcissism and understand it. It will hurt you a lot less when you realise, truly, that there is nothing wrong with you and * a heck * of a lot wrong with him! Also, you need to realise that his goal is not to hurt you but to please himself - you get hurt because you stand between him and what he wants to do, or perhaps express disapproval which threatens his self-image. But it's not his intention to hurt you. Which is why, when he does, he blames you for that as well.
When you've got to the stage of finding this sort of exercise more interesting than painful, you're almost there.
Bottom line: you're fine. He's the one with the problem.
He had some experience with a in home aide that actually pull that stuff on him and Mom once, so it wasn't just his paranoia.
If he leaves her alone, knowing you are not there and not expected to return, and does not call a sitter, that is criminal neglect.
Post here often to report your progress. The folks here understand and are on your side!
Such good advice. My father is a rage a holic and resistant to any sense of logic - especially when shame and guilting his own kids overrides a family of his own design. SHEESH.
It's crazy making - gaslighting - and the mask has slipped while he denies the weirdness of his insistence. I imagine aging at his stage must be scary. Depressing. I certainly do not want to be angry, bitter and cruel at his age. I hope I am mindful enough not to hurt others the way he and my mom have. At least my mom has tried. But it gets maddening with his mood swings and her pretending to cry when I have to do things that do not involve waiting on them hand and foot. Gotta love guilt inducing childish and UNHEALTHY behaviors.
At this point I am either working on job apps, a business I am trying to start & yoga, therapy & speaker meetings to stay sane in the land of OZ.
Even with all my hocus pocus positive coping go-to's, the damage these two have on my esteem is penetrating. I hate how I feel around them and I am trying to change my perspective but its no longer enough.
So I think you have made the right decision. Start looking for full-time work some distance away. Figure out your housing there. Then LEAVE. It would be courteous to give them a couple weeks' notice so they can start making other arrangements, but if you think that will make those weeks especially traumatic for you, tell them on your way out the door.
You have grown up in an extremely dysfunctional family. But you seem to have your head screwed on right. You know what you have to do. My best wishes to you as you do it!
I agree with the others, you need to save your own life first.
If you need help wording it, making it brief, just ask.
Godspeed no longer scared!
Save your own life, please!