I learned from my pastor that my youngest daughter has told him I am "over-protective" of her dad. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago, and now showing signs of Lewy Body Dementia. Most of our problems occur at night, with thrashing, hitting, shouting in bed, etc. He can no longer count money, has problems figuring out time, how to operate microwave, etc., and even how to put on his clothing sometimes. This daughter has been the one of our five kids who has been in denial all along. She works just blocks away from where we live, yet never comes to visit except for a birthday, or some other celebration, so she has no way of knowing what I go through in a day's time. The other kids are pretty supportive. Should I just accept this and be thankful for the support I do get?
Your husband has serious dementia. Of course, you are protective of him. We are probably all "overprotective" of our loved ones with dementia. Most people do not truly understand what it is like to be a caregiver for someone with dementia. We can hear things like "Why don't you take her to the beach" or somewhere else, like everything is normal. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it.
I have a feeling that your daughter would not have said that if she had been more involved personally with her father. I get the feeling from what you write that it is her choice and not anything you are doing.
You know what I'd do? Your husband has patterns for these night time behaviors. Are you able to invite the pastor for dinner so that he can see firsthand what it's like in the home life?
The reason I mention this - is because about 23 years ago, when I was struggling with full time work, caregiving when off and my spiritual needs - I had reached a point when I could no longer handle the spiritual side. Because I was getting pressures from Everyone to do more for the spiritual food. I snapped and quit religion completely. Fast forward today, and the spiritual leader with his wife - are now experiencing firsthand elderly dementia/senility care. His wife had tears in her eyes when she admitted to me that she just did not understand what I was going through 23/24 years ago..... Maybe your pastor needs to see this first hand so that he understands what your husband is going through. And what You are doing to protect him.
What exactly would you like? Acknowledgment that you're doing a hard job? For her to spend time? Acknowledgment of her dad's illness?
God bless you for your patience. You daughter may never see the light, until her dad progresses even further.
Your husband's behavior does sound troubling. I might seek further help. You have to protect yourself too. If he ends up hurting you, it might be difficult to find him placement down the road.
I'm sorry but I just showed this question to my 24 yr daughter and she said "call her out on it", " over protective, someone has to look after her Dad, he has Dementia"..
Just confront her and let her know exactly how this disease has effected her Dad and remind her he is your husband too..
Your daughter may never "get it", especially if she actively avoids situations where she may have to see the truth. I'm glad your other kids are supportive.
Was she confiding in the pastor? Since that could be the case, I would be quite upset about it, but I would also want to protect the pastor/penitent relationship. I don't think that pastors should reveal what parishioners have told them in confidence. So, I probably wouldn't reveal what I knew. It sounds like your daughter needs to talk to the pastor some more and get more involved with her parent's situation.
What I might do is let her know the truth without revealing that you know what she said about you being overprotective. Is it possible to ask her to come one day and stay with your husband so you can get out and run errands? Can you ask her to have your husband go and spend the weekend with her? If she is exposed to his condition and is responsible for him, maybe she will get the picture. Unless you deal with dementia first hand, it's difficult to fully understand. She may have to see it up close and personal to get it.
Of course, you could address her directly about her comment, but I'm not sure what help that would be. She would likely get upset or deny it. Not much would change and she still wouldn't get it.
Thank goodness you have other family members to support you.