Hello all. Im the caregiver for my 87 year old father. My children and I moved in back in May. We have help during my work hours and my father is not in bad shape physically. Back in in May he fell and he can no longer live alone. He makes no hiding of the fact that he sees my sister as better than me. She is coming for a one week visit and he is ready for us to roll out the red carpet. Never mind that I have children of my own and a career. He is going to expect me to cook and wait on her as if she is a guest. He is going down a list of all that needs to be done this week. Im trying to remain patient, but how do I overlook such blatant favoritism ? On top of everything he plans on cooking for my sister while she is here. Meanwhile he sits there on the couch all day every day while i wait on him hand and foot. He sees nothing wrong with overwhelming me, but my sister who has no children is going to receive royal treatment. If I could afford to go to a hotel for the week I would, but Im trying to prepare to move...I know my refusal to do anything will result in a big war...Have any of you faced this situation as a caregiver. I always receive such wonderful advice from everyone, Im hoping to get some valuable feedback.
My father is 95 and I moved here from across the country a year ago to cook for him and be here in case he became unable to drive anymore etc.. My sister and b-in-law came to visit for 2 weeks, Oct. 24 to Nov 7, and I had just had foot surgery on Oct 22 but was expected to wait on them hand and foot, and treat them like royalty. I am treated like dirt by him while she and her hubby are golden and walk on water. He mocks me cruelly that I am jealous of her if I say he is being unfair.
I gave up everything in BC, my nice home I rented, my furniture, car, everything I owned to pay for a move across Canada to be here for him. I gave up my disability income and have a much smaller income ($700) here. So now he says I am destitute and he is "saving" me from homelessness, he is doing me a favour by giving me a roof over my head etc, and he doesn't need my help at all. This situation, he claims, is all about him sacrificing and giving charity to me. I am very sick/disabled and was so mistaken and foolish to give up my life in BC because now I am completely stuck with him. A part of me really hates him. I don't care of that is wrong, I would never do a bad thing to him, I always do what is the right and moral, good thing to the best of my ability, but at times I really despise even hate him.
I would kill myself except for 2 things: my precious cat is scared of all humans except me and I love her so dearly I would not desert her, and 2) I will not let the princess sister inherit everything because I die before my father does, as convenient as that would be for her! She talks a LOT about killing him for her inheritance and I would bet my boots that she and her hubby say if I killed myself I would be out of my misery AND they could inherit everything from my dad. So I won't for that reason too, but mostly because of love for my cat.
Anyway as you can tell from my rambling, I barely hold onto sanity by a thread and your posts are making that thread stronger! So thank you SO MUCH for sharing, I am sorry for your situation but I am also relieved to know I am not alone in this Cinderella nightmare! I wish I could work and escape. I am considering abusing my credit card to buy an old car so I won't be so totally trapped (I am too sick to take transit).
Best of luck to all of us, eh?!
Sometimes family dynamics like this are so deeply ingrained that the only way to fix things is to get out. It seems like this is a pattern that is set for both of you; he dominates, you get upset and give in to avoid making the conflict worse.
Please listen to me, and many others who will post here, when we say that if you don't take care of yourself you will regret it later. You will never get these months/years back that you spend caring for him. Your kids will grow up in this terrible environment. And most importantly, the stress can and will make you ill or kill you.
Do you tolerate this because you are waiting for his love and approval? If so, you may need to face the sad reality that you will never get it.
Good luck, and take care of yourself! Please!
Whatever happens to him, is going to happen. But, you can help what happens to you. Your current schedule will lead you to an early grave. Seriously.
Think about the future, and start making your plans now. In "the Three Penny Opera," Pirate Jenny sings, "And you see me kinda grinnin' while I'm scrubbin'
And you say, "What's she got to grin?" I'll tell you." When you have your plans underway, you can grin, and they won't know why.
My mother was a Southern lady who valued her dignity a little too much. She finally learned she didn't need to lose her temper to make my father smarten up and calm down. She only needed to PRETEND to lose her temper. Give it a try!
So from experience, his anger will escalate as you start putting your foot down. I have no kids so I never felt the need to pack and leave the parents. You have kids and need to keep them in mind. .... And remember this - children imitate their elders. They think what is happening is "Okay." You do not want your children that it is Okay to yell at someone with such anger. You do not want to teach the boys that it's okay to yell at a female. You do not want to teach the girls that it's Okay for boys to yell at them. Learned behavior. Just as my father abused us, most of my brothers did the same with their children. And now, I see that their children are treating their wives and children the same. It is a very vicious cycle.... Please do not teach your children this. {{HUGS}} for standing up to your father. Yeah, it was darn scary but you stood up to him....
The next time your father complains about you and the kids not there entertaining sis, just turn the tables on them. Tell him that sis came to visit him and not you and the kids. Since she's only going to be here a week, it will give them time to do some catching up. And if sis wants to spend time with you, she can join you in the kitchen and help you with the cooking. You can talk while doing this together. If you have funds to help find a place, then do so. There are always other options of finding help for your father when he really needs it. You have tried the "moving in" option and found out it's not working.
Some of us are born Cinderellas. If we contest the unfairness of it, it will not be heard. I mean, we should be willing to do whatever it is because it is our sibling. The favor goes one way, though, from Cinderella to the others. We have to drive to them. We have to cook for them. Etc.
But the good thing about it is that it is no disgrace to be a Cinderella. There is nothing wrong with being of service to others. The people who are wrong are the ones with the faulty thinking that somehow we owe more than anyone else. All the Cinderellas can do is say what they will and won't do, then prepare for the battle that always comes when we say no to something. (It gets tiring after a while. I do wish others were smarter in their dealings with people.)
I don't care if you have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; get those kiddos out of the house every evening that week. Go to the library, walk the mall or park. Get out and be alone with your children. They need Mom time without Grandpa and Auntie. You are teaching them Mom is a slave and has no respect for herself or us; please stop now!
Spend a few minutes with sister making plans for your Dad's future living arrangements. Something she can look into while visiting. Good luck!
Stop. Don't make them. If your father can be by himself safely or your sister is there, leave the house and take a break.
Humans are creatures of habit. He sees and lives with you every day. Your sister comes only occasionally, which he obviously is looking forward to. If he is financially able, take a day or weekend away and find someone to stay with or check in on him, there are several agencies available. It will be an awakening for you both as well as getting away can do wonders mentally.
By all means talk to him about your feelings, which he may not have a clue. If the situation becomes too stressful, make this known and discuss what other viable living arrangements, house keeper, assisted living facility, etc., will have to be made and follow through for you own peace of mind and your children.