Hello all. Im the caregiver for my 87 year old father. My children and I moved in back in May. We have help during my work hours and my father is not in bad shape physically. Back in in May he fell and he can no longer live alone. He makes no hiding of the fact that he sees my sister as better than me. She is coming for a one week visit and he is ready for us to roll out the red carpet. Never mind that I have children of my own and a career. He is going to expect me to cook and wait on her as if she is a guest. He is going down a list of all that needs to be done this week. Im trying to remain patient, but how do I overlook such blatant favoritism ? On top of everything he plans on cooking for my sister while she is here. Meanwhile he sits there on the couch all day every day while i wait on him hand and foot. He sees nothing wrong with overwhelming me, but my sister who has no children is going to receive royal treatment. If I could afford to go to a hotel for the week I would, but Im trying to prepare to move...I know my refusal to do anything will result in a big war...Have any of you faced this situation as a caregiver. I always receive such wonderful advice from everyone, Im hoping to get some valuable feedback.
Early on, mom did try to have me clean the house and pick up special things for my sister when she came over. At first, I wanted to oblige, but then I remembered that my sister was coming to give me a break. Mom stopped asking after a few times because I just laughed and said that's not going to happen. Sister could help her with those things.
After my sister threw me under the bus by telling my father she had a talk with me about MY behavior..I havent communicated with her since. Im not above being corrected, but she knows how my father hangs on her every word so she shouldnt have done that...it makes him feel as if his behavior is okay and that Ive been "put in my place"
I know this will take all your courage and strength to do this. Do it for yourself and your children. Your actions will teach them to stand up for themselves . Courage and strength are like muscles the more you exercise them, the bigger they grow. It will take time to learn a new pattern of behavior, it will be hard, but the rewards are worth it.
You enjoy time with your sister. If your Dad makes a fuss. Look him right in the eye, and tell him, we need sister time. Develop a quizzical look, the one that shows that you do not understand something or that you find something strange or amusing. Works everytime. Good luck. Keep us informed of your progress. We will get you through this week.
Be happy for your sister and your Dad's relationship. Why she is here let her do everything his laundry, his meals. Thank her profusely and then be gone.
Sincerely and much love Kelly
If you don't put the brakes on now, immediately, he is going to take more and more control of your life. It is a very real slippery slope, and he will push you as far as you let him. Every time extravagant demands are met, that becomes the new “normal”.
You have to let go of the idea that if you refuse to cater to unreasonable demands, you are "mean" or uncaring. You have to protect yourself, and you don't have to apologize for it either.
One last thing; when you have your boundaries in mind and you are ready to have the big talk, do NOT leave the topic open for discussion. Don't try to justify or defend your position; that just creates wiggle room for him to pick apart anything you say. Simply state how things will be, and then close the topic.
Good luck to you, stay strong, and take care of yourself!
What about taking his list of tasks, and sitting down with him and telling him what you will and won't do? Would he pay for a cleaning service? That would be a job that could be delegated. Maybe you might agree to cook one fancy meal, but tell him it's simple food, take-out or a restaurant the rest of the time. Can you develop a very sore back or a migraine headache? Pick a type of pain that he gets, so he will respect it.
Try the phrase, "Dad, I wish I could, but I just can't do any more than that." Don't try to convince him that he's being unreasonable. Just be calmly unreasonable in your refusal. Bargain over what you will or won't do, but only by dropping one job before accepting to another. Treat him like a customer that you would be willing to lose as a customer. Be polite, civil, even warm, but inflexible. He's not your Daddy, who should love you more than he does. He's a kind of pathetic crabby old guy that you will help, but that you aren't going to kill yourself for.
Marshmallows like you and me can learn to be harder in a good way if we can figure out how to do it politely. I used to think that I had to go along, or else I had to scream and yell. The middle way is easier once I saw it. "I'm sorry, I just can't do that. Maybe you can find another way to get it done, but I can't do it."
When he has you waiting on him, could you say, "Sure, I'll do that, but I'm in the middle of X, and I can't stop or I'll lose the whole thing. Could you do me a favor and get it for yourself? Or I'll be glad to do it when I finish this." Use that for things you know he can do for himself, and never use it for things that you know he can't do.
Those who can stand up for themselves do. Those who can't, write advice to others on AgingCare.com. (Speaking only for myself here.)
I'd let her take care of Dad while you are busy with your own family..She's there to see your father so let her take care of him.
Make yourself scarce!!