That's me. here is my story, DO I? Does anyone else feel like it is unfair for family members to use the excuse " Because you live there for free" every time there is a discussion about living with and caring for your elderly mother or when something needs to be repaired at her home? There are other issues involved because it's not just family members , SHE says this all the time as well.
I was the only single female child in the family 13 years ago when my mother bought a 3 bedroom home close to all 3 of her children. It was actually directly behind my duplex and I could go through the fence and be in her backyard. I knew then that I would eventually need to move in with my mother and at first it would be beneficial to me as well as her but I knew at the time that at some point she would need for me to be there ,that was 8 years ago.
Once I did, the family, as well as my mom started to answer any requests for help by stating "you should do it because you live there for free" anytime anything needed getting done like unstopping the sink, fixing plumbing that required a plumber ,paying all of the electric bill and mowing the yard or paying half the cost of someone else to do it. The first words out of everyone's mouth is ........ "Because you live there for free" when I asked my older sister to have her husband come mow he did it once. My older sister's husband actually wanted to be paid and resented any requests for help.
My older sister has never taken my mother anywhere, EVER. She lives less than 3 miles away and calls twice a month, once a month to say " Hi mom , just wanted to check in" followed by the second call 2 days later "can I come over and see you, (cue the tears)... I need help"
Now my older sister is a widow and comes to my mom's house once a month to cry and beg for money for her medicine ( oxycodone addiction) or for her rent. She calls it borrowing but never pays it back. Mom admits she NEVER wants to have my older sister living here..... EVER !!!
I have one younger sister that is wonderful, she and my mom both love casinos and she takes mom all the time. My sis and my mom can afford that 2 or 3 times a week, I cannot.
Other than that my mom does not leave her recliner. I cook and grocery shop, run errands and do VERY light cleaning . In the last 8 years things have really changed and I knew they would. She is now 83 and has very little stamina. She has advanced Crohn's, emphysema, is deaf in one ear and has a heart valve problem. I do the equivalent of a "live in companion" for free. The bottom dollar value of a live-in companion who gets room and board ( does not pay any utilities or any cost of food) plus a salary for being a caregiver is........ wait for it ..... $2000 per month, at the bare minimum. I pay my mom about 250.00 per month so I can live her ( for free) and take care of her. My mother likes to consider herself independant and so to re-inforce this belief she refuses to buy anything that could make her quality of life better and easier for me to care for her, such as hearing aids, a mobility scooter or even a rolling walker. She can well afford thing things but I think she doesn't want to admit she is getting old (she's 83)
I pay ALL of my own expenses, all of my own food and a portion of her expenses that she would have to pay even if I were not here. My mother is firmly in the opinion that she is saving me "tons of money" by letting me live with her and would feel that way even if she were bed-ridden and paralyzed because what I contribute has no value.
I know this sounds like we have a toxic relationship but I do love her,she just cannot say those 3 words unless we make her say it, and I am trying to care for her and even though it is easy for others ( older sis and my mom both say this) to say " If you don't like it then move" they know I cant and they know I wont. Someone has to be here. My father had a heart attack many years ago, I was living in California, my 2 sisters lived in the same town as he did. He had been dead 4 days before anyone noticed that the newspapers were piling up on his drive and called police to check him out.
So thats my story all of it is true and I want to know ..... Do I really live here for free and am I really just using my mom for a free place to stay? That's kind of how my mom feels about it although she wont outright say it.
As far as her estate what ever is left after she is gone will be divided 3 ways so she wont be playing favorites. A senior living village is out of the question because it would eat up all of her estate so the solution is : Just have me live here for free and that makes it all even steven. My younger sis takes her to the casino, my older sis collects several hundred dollars a month that is never repaid and I ..... "Live here for free !!! "
So Mom moves in here, and it is OK to pay for "professional" help off the books but I shouldn't get the same amount as them. Even though I know as much or more than they do. "But this is Mom" is what I get as another excuse -- basically accusing me of somehow exploiting her financially.
Yes Mom pays me room and board ... a pittance & the same as what my adult children pay. The difference is that they don't leave all the lights on in every room within reach all night long. They don't eat 4-5 meals a day, with the same number of snacks. They don't flush the toilet every 5 minutes because a drop of urine has come out. They aren't up 10 times in 10 minutes all night long wanting to be around another person. They don't want me next to them every waking moment, even when a paid babysitter -- oops, I mean caregiver -- is sitting with them. Oh my goodness, the list is endless.
Don't even get me started with resenting my siblings. Big time. They can go on their merry lives because they've dumped this on me. "But this is Mom" I hear again & again. Interspersed with "You took this on" though I know I was backed into a corner & felt obligated to make the offer. Support from them? Hahahahaha -- they feel they are being supportive by saying "thank you for taking Mom in" and then following that up with criticisms of what I am doing, what we should do, and other expert advice from people who are getting their full night's sleep every night. Actions speak so much louder than words.
Yes, I love her. But I am also starting to resent her. Yes, I know it's the disease, which makes me feel worse because I can't help myself either. Yes, I know something has to change.
So, Mom is moving into an Assisted Living Facility next week. Back in the town where she lived.
Did I mention that I am female? LOL
Tx
Unfortunately today we went backwards. She and my son had agreed to split the cost of 2 new tires for my car ( I needed them badly) and I had an appointment to have the tires put on today......................................................
but remember my sister "C", the one with the oxycodone fondness? She doesn't usually call to say "help me, I can't pay my rent or help me I can't pay for my prescriptions" until the middle of the month , last month it was on the 12th when the dreaded phone number ( hers) showed up on caller id.
Today it's the 4th and she calls this morning.
I realize now that I should have asked for the money for the Christmas gift tires upfront from mom but I made the mistake of saying I had enough in my account to cover it and she could pay me afterwards since we didn't know the exact amount it would be.
My son actually gave me the entire amount today and said spend the other half on something nice for yourself. So while I was gone sis "C" came over for 300 promising that she would not ask again, (YA when pigs fly over ice bergs in hell , she will stop asking for money) which threw mom into "scrooge mode". It looks like mom can't afford to buy me that tire now since she had to help "C". I guess she forgot it was supposed to be my Christmas gift and thought she was just doing something nice for me. Cause she is all about giving.
I often wonder if anyone has every stood up in the middle of a funeral, like at a wedding when they ask about anyone objecting, ya know when the funeral preacher who never met the deceased says what a "compassionate caring person..... who would give you the shirt...yada yada yada. " and say the truth about the person.
When they did that at my brother in laws funeral, ( "C"s husband, the one who wanted to be paid to mow mom's yard) I swear I almost jumped out of my seat and said ""holy crapola,now I know I am at the wrong funeral, can somebody tell me where R. B's funeral is being held? "" Fortunately my sis "S" gave me the "stink eye look" that tells me "Don't you even think about it" cause I have been known to say things out loud like that LOL
I always insist that my clients enter into care agreements in an effort to address these issues. they don't always anticipate changes, and the family doesn't always agree with the arrangement. You don't need your sister's agreement legally, but you would be well served to get at least one of your sisters on board.
I agree with many that you are getting the short end financially, based on what you have said. The only solution (other than you leaving) is to have some amount paid to you each month from your mother's assets. That would mean reducing her long-term estate. This is a very difficult situation which puts you squarely int eh middle. You run the very real risk of upsetting the long-term relationship with your family either way. It really comes down to what you can live with in your heart, both now and after your mother is gone and the estate divided. Good luck!
I lived with my parents to help out for 6 months last year. I would go to work all day and as soon as I came home my dad handed off my mom to me. Weekends I was expected to do all the care, cart her around for appointments etc. The result was i had absolutely no free time, no social life and it was slowly driving me insane. It wasn't worth living there for free. I had minimal cost while staying there, paid for some food, paid their cable but that was it. Still, I would rather pay $1400 monthly rent to live nearby and be able to come home, relax and be able to read a book if I want. If needed, I am 2 miles away now and can help out in a nanosecond. I still take her to her hair appointments on an occasional saturday which eats up half a day but thats only every 6 wks or so.
Save money, every penny you can and move out. Like someone said, who will take care of you when you are 83? Thats why I plan to work til 70. I went to a SS seminar and thats the best return for a single woman. I will become fully vested at 65, then continue to work and earn credits til 70 with delayed benefits and collect off the exhusbands 65-70. thats my plan, God willing I am able to work that long. If not, then I might have to go live with one of my kids and I really dont' want to do that--for them or me. I just want peace and quiet. I love my grandchildren but they are babies and I don't want to become a full time babysitter for either generation.
Let us know how you make out. Stay strong!