A single female is always the one who moves in to care for Mom, they all say "You live there for free'.
That's me. here is my story, DO I? Does anyone else feel like it is unfair for family members to use the excuse " Because you live there for free" every time there is a discussion about living with and caring for your elderly mother or when something needs to be repaired at her home? There are other issues involved because it's not just family members , SHE says this all the time as well.
I was the only single female child in the family 13 years ago when my mother bought a 3 bedroom home close to all 3 of her children. It was actually directly behind my duplex and I could go through the fence and be in her backyard. I knew then that I would eventually need to move in with my mother and at first it would be beneficial to me as well as her but I knew at the time that at some point she would need for me to be there ,that was 8 years ago.
Once I did, the family, as well as my mom started to answer any requests for help by stating "you should do it because you live there for free" anytime anything needed getting done like unstopping the sink, fixing plumbing that required a plumber ,paying all of the electric bill and mowing the yard or paying half the cost of someone else to do it. The first words out of everyone's mouth is ........ "Because you live there for free" when I asked my older sister to have her husband come mow he did it once. My older sister's husband actually wanted to be paid and resented any requests for help.
My older sister has never taken my mother anywhere, EVER. She lives less than 3 miles away and calls twice a month, once a month to say " Hi mom , just wanted to check in" followed by the second call 2 days later "can I come over and see you, (cue the tears)... I need help"
Now my older sister is a widow and comes to my mom's house once a month to cry and beg for money for her medicine ( oxycodone addiction) or for her rent. She calls it borrowing but never pays it back. Mom admits she NEVER wants to have my older sister living here..... EVER !!!
I have one younger sister that is wonderful, she and my mom both love casinos and she takes mom all the time. My sis and my mom can afford that 2 or 3 times a week, I cannot.
Other than that my mom does not leave her recliner. I cook and grocery shop, run errands and do VERY light cleaning . In the last 8 years things have really changed and I knew they would. She is now 83 and has very little stamina. She has advanced Crohn's, emphysema, is deaf in one ear and has a heart valve problem. I do the equivalent of a "live in companion" for free. The bottom dollar value of a live-in companion who gets room and board ( does not pay any utilities or any cost of food) plus a salary for being a caregiver is........ wait for it ..... $2000 per month, at the bare minimum. I pay my mom about 250.00 per month so I can live her ( for free) and take care of her. My mother likes to consider herself independant and so to re-inforce this belief she refuses to buy anything that could make her quality of life better and easier for me to care for her, such as hearing aids, a mobility scooter or even a rolling walker. She can well afford thing things but I think she doesn't want to admit she is getting old (she's 83)
I pay ALL of my own expenses, all of my own food and a portion of her expenses that she would have to pay even if I were not here. My mother is firmly in the opinion that she is saving me "tons of money" by letting me live with her and would feel that way even if she were bed-ridden and paralyzed because what I contribute has no value.
I know this sounds like we have a toxic relationship but I do love her,she just cannot say those 3 words unless we make her say it, and I am trying to care for her and even though it is easy for others ( older sis and my mom both say this) to say " If you don't like it then move" they know I cant and they know I wont. Someone has to be here. My father had a heart attack many years ago, I was living in California, my 2 sisters lived in the same town as he did. He had been dead 4 days before anyone noticed that the newspapers were piling up on his drive and called police to check him out.
So thats my story all of it is true and I want to know ..... Do I really live here for free and am I really just using my mom for a free place to stay? That's kind of how my mom feels about it although she wont outright say it.
As far as her estate what ever is left after she is gone will be divided 3 ways so she wont be playing favorites. A senior living village is out of the question because it would eat up all of her estate so the solution is : Just have me live here for free and that makes it all even steven. My younger sis takes her to the casino, my older sis collects several hundred dollars a month that is never repaid and I ..... "Live here for free !!! "
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I lived with my parents to help out for 6 months last year. I would go to work all day and as soon as I came home my dad handed off my mom to me. Weekends I was expected to do all the care, cart her around for appointments etc. The result was i had absolutely no free time, no social life and it was slowly driving me insane. It wasn't worth living there for free. I had minimal cost while staying there, paid for some food, paid their cable but that was it. Still, I would rather pay $1400 monthly rent to live nearby and be able to come home, relax and be able to read a book if I want. If needed, I am 2 miles away now and can help out in a nanosecond. I still take her to her hair appointments on an occasional saturday which eats up half a day but thats only every 6 wks or so.
Save money, every penny you can and move out. Like someone said, who will take care of you when you are 83? Thats why I plan to work til 70. I went to a SS seminar and thats the best return for a single woman. I will become fully vested at 65, then continue to work and earn credits til 70 with delayed benefits and collect off the exhusbands 65-70. thats my plan, God willing I am able to work that long. If not, then I might have to go live with one of my kids and I really dont' want to do that--for them or me. I just want peace and quiet. I love my grandchildren but they are babies and I don't want to become a full time babysitter for either generation.
Let us know how you make out. Stay strong!
I always insist that my clients enter into care agreements in an effort to address these issues. they don't always anticipate changes, and the family doesn't always agree with the arrangement. You don't need your sister's agreement legally, but you would be well served to get at least one of your sisters on board.
I agree with many that you are getting the short end financially, based on what you have said. The only solution (other than you leaving) is to have some amount paid to you each month from your mother's assets. That would mean reducing her long-term estate. This is a very difficult situation which puts you squarely int eh middle. You run the very real risk of upsetting the long-term relationship with your family either way. It really comes down to what you can live with in your heart, both now and after your mother is gone and the estate divided. Good luck!
Unfortunately today we went backwards. She and my son had agreed to split the cost of 2 new tires for my car ( I needed them badly) and I had an appointment to have the tires put on today......................................................
but remember my sister "C", the one with the oxycodone fondness? She doesn't usually call to say "help me, I can't pay my rent or help me I can't pay for my prescriptions" until the middle of the month , last month it was on the 12th when the dreaded phone number ( hers) showed up on caller id.
Today it's the 4th and she calls this morning.
I realize now that I should have asked for the money for the Christmas gift tires upfront from mom but I made the mistake of saying I had enough in my account to cover it and she could pay me afterwards since we didn't know the exact amount it would be.
My son actually gave me the entire amount today and said spend the other half on something nice for yourself. So while I was gone sis "C" came over for 300 promising that she would not ask again, (YA when pigs fly over ice bergs in hell , she will stop asking for money) which threw mom into "scrooge mode". It looks like mom can't afford to buy me that tire now since she had to help "C". I guess she forgot it was supposed to be my Christmas gift and thought she was just doing something nice for me. Cause she is all about giving.
I often wonder if anyone has every stood up in the middle of a funeral, like at a wedding when they ask about anyone objecting, ya know when the funeral preacher who never met the deceased says what a "compassionate caring person..... who would give you the shirt...yada yada yada. " and say the truth about the person.
When they did that at my brother in laws funeral, ( "C"s husband, the one who wanted to be paid to mow mom's yard) I swear I almost jumped out of my seat and said ""holy crapola,now I know I am at the wrong funeral, can somebody tell me where R. B's funeral is being held? "" Fortunately my sis "S" gave me the "stink eye look" that tells me "Don't you even think about it" cause I have been known to say things out loud like that LOL
Tx
So Mom moves in here, and it is OK to pay for "professional" help off the books but I shouldn't get the same amount as them. Even though I know as much or more than they do. "But this is Mom" is what I get as another excuse -- basically accusing me of somehow exploiting her financially.
Yes Mom pays me room and board ... a pittance & the same as what my adult children pay. The difference is that they don't leave all the lights on in every room within reach all night long. They don't eat 4-5 meals a day, with the same number of snacks. They don't flush the toilet every 5 minutes because a drop of urine has come out. They aren't up 10 times in 10 minutes all night long wanting to be around another person. They don't want me next to them every waking moment, even when a paid babysitter -- oops, I mean caregiver -- is sitting with them. Oh my goodness, the list is endless.
Don't even get me started with resenting my siblings. Big time. They can go on their merry lives because they've dumped this on me. "But this is Mom" I hear again & again. Interspersed with "You took this on" though I know I was backed into a corner & felt obligated to make the offer. Support from them? Hahahahaha -- they feel they are being supportive by saying "thank you for taking Mom in" and then following that up with criticisms of what I am doing, what we should do, and other expert advice from people who are getting their full night's sleep every night. Actions speak so much louder than words.
Yes, I love her. But I am also starting to resent her. Yes, I know it's the disease, which makes me feel worse because I can't help myself either. Yes, I know something has to change.
So, Mom is moving into an Assisted Living Facility next week. Back in the town where she lived.
Did I mention that I am female? LOL
I read your post form 6 days ago about your time with your mother, driving her all over for medical appointments, errands and shopping as well as writing down her insults every night in your notebook and mentioning that her raging has been elevating since your arrival three weeks ago and evidently the next day it is as if nothing had taken place the day before. Your mother does not remember raging at you the next day? After reading that particular post, I see why your friends are telling you to go back home, but you are there and you have a reason for being there and it must be strong enough of a reason to have kept you there for three weeks. Well you are definitely determined and strong!
I'm sorry that you have had to take so much money out of your retirement at one time and applaud your efforts, investment of money and time to do this visit while sustaining two residences.
In order to fully grasp your situation and offer the best support in input possible, I am going to ask a lot of questions. The more details that you can share the better. Take as long as you like and vent as much as you need to. I'm sure others will think of other questions to ask you , but that is the nature of this site and you are on a very good thread.
Where did you move in from on this visit? How long has it been since you have seen your mom? What is going on that prompted you on this evaluation, elimination, and recovery mission at this time?
Who has been keeping an eye on her while you have lived in another place?
What kind of relationship have you and your mother had over the years? Why does that friend say you have a bad attitude about your mother? Has that friend ever met your mother? Sometimes our attitudes about someone are correct because that is how they are.
How does your mom manage to take care of herself from day to day? How long has she been managing on her own alone?
What is your goal in evaluating your mother? Are you thinking that she needs a nursing home? Do you think that her fiances are out of order or that she might need to file for medicaid? Do you want her to be evaluated by a doctor to see if she is still mentally competent to handle her affairs and ok to live like and how she is living?
How exactly are you planning on eliminating some stress in her life?
What is she recovering from?
What do you perceive is her next medical issue?
It sounds like you have given yourself a time frame of three months. That does sound like all you can afford with supporting two residences. That is not a lot of time for mother-daughter relationship work, but sounds like enough time for some basic triage assessment of your mother's overall health status and plotting a course of action in light of that assessment.
To accomplish all of that in three months, I assume that you do have her durable and medical POA. Do you?
What are your plans if three months is not enough time? Come back later? Try to move permanently? or what?
Are there other relatives who will actually help? We know this is often not the case.
Sorry to sound like I'm doing a professional intake type interview list of questions. That is normally not my style, but all these questions are popping in my head as try to wrap my mind around this situation and your mission.
Those are all the questions that come to mind that I think will give us some helpful details to know. We look forward to hearing back from you. Don't feel like you have to answer them all at one time. Tell us as much as you feel comfortable sharing.
the extra expenses amount to over 2 grand a month I cant afford any more.
I withdrew 10 grand from my retirement account. 2 grand for taxes. 8 grand for 3 months. I cant live in my moms house. it is just impossible. I am attempting to work on our friendship. Useless at times but I will stay as after 30 days here it truly is interesting to observe my self and question myself. In short, What is the best thing to do in the span of every hour? daughterhallie PS I have received feedback from one person that I have a shitty attitude about my mother. I intend to contribute this time to her as was her contribution by producing me.
Move forward in your life toward some victory for your own well being and let us know how you are doing! Like Yoda told Luke in Star Wars "Do or Do not, There is no Try" The phrase no try means no half-hearted attempts. Real trying involves a sense of conviction that it can be done! With that conviction, you can do.
I recommend that you retire your "victim" cloak and take up the sword of self protection. That's what I had to do for myself. Fortunately my mother is more reasonable and when she saw my health failing it gave her a wake up call. Hopefully you don't have to go through a health crisis to break out of this situation.
In my case, I know that I will get the house and be taken care of in the will ( such money that they have left over, of course)
Use some of your mother's money to hire help - pronto!
Have you considered putting your dealings with your mother on a more businesslike basis? Perhaps contractual? Spell it all out, including that any gifts she gives you are NOT to be counted against your share of the estate.
If your mother is of sound mind and can afford frequent visits to casinos, an attorney (representing YOUR interests) might be able to help sort things out.
If your mom has a RM, review the contract. Most have it such that if they move to a facility; or do not do maintenance or upkeep on the home, that the mortgage holder can call in the loan. The RM which is debt that has to be repaid will be due. If so, mom may have a limited time frame in which to let RM know & to pay off RM in full with whatever fees or cancellation charges may apply.
What is important about this, is that the contractor gets % of the recovery, so it is in their interest to enforce the rules. It is more of a debt collector approach. For the caregiver exemption, if your state does this like my moms state (TX) you will need to file that specific exemption or exclusion as per the medicaid rules or Administrative Codes in your state AND have to be able to provide a letter from the elders physician or social worker as to the level of care you provided with dates AND within whatever time frame MERP has to follow under your states administrative code. If you can't provide the letter, or have another job or live in another house, you may find your caregiver exemption declined or challenged. I would imagine the required letter from a MD or social worker is done as those medical professionals have a specific professional degree and license from the state so their letter has some legal standing.
Really if your parent has their home, goes onto medicaid but keeps home, you Really need to be proactive to get whatever may be needed to support your own exemption, exclusion or hardship lined up to deal with however MERP Runs for your state.
Why in the world are you so determined to stay? I also don't understand why you are paying her rent when you are there taking care of her? Stop paying rent, save the money and leave.
The question about presenting the estate with a bill for what one paid for living with a parent while taking care of them has been asked on this site and the answer was no.
The only way someone gets paid for taking care of a parent while living for them is to have a written and signed agreement from the start of your time with the parent that they will pay you so much a month for your caregiving and you list what services you will do as their caregiver. Otherwise, you have no money for all those years and the inheritance will not usually make up for it.
I have read that there is an exemption in the medicare/medicaid claims that if one child is the "live-in caregiver" and can prove that they cared for the aging parent for more than 2 years so that the parent would not have to go in a nursing facility, that child can keep the home they lived in with the parent. It can also be secured by the parent filing a statement with her attorney that her child "jane doe" is her full time live in caregiver and the gov. cannot take the home if the parent does need nursing home care later down the road. Of course my mom swears I am not caring for her , she is giving me a free place to stay so any document like that can burn in hell before she would sign it.
That being said you need to say when they say "live for free" to present them some facts and figures as to what it would cost to hire someone. I would also(as gross as it sounds) leave some poo on the wall, or take a picture of it and send it to them.
I went through the same crap(no pun intended) with my brother. He didn't want to hear about it was a race to get dad into the wheelchair and try and make it into the bathroom on time. But I was also living there for free, yes I just sat around and watched TV all day....LOL.
I took care of both my parents, and dealt with many bathroom issues. I used to have a weak stomach for that kind of stuff, but you learn to deal with it. My brother didn't even want to hear about it over the phone.
It's up to you, but I feel very strongly that when an adult child gives up their life and their job(I know you have the side business) that when it comes to the estate, the caregiver gets more. It's only right, when you don't work full time you also lose out when it comes to SS.
Your sister has a maid, and you're cleaning poo off the walls, you shouldn't be getting the same when mom passes.