Stingy...
I moved my mother in with me 4 years ago..it's just the two of us. She was 90, and had taken some spills at her home, and she is vision impaired. We rent out her old home to my cleaning woman. My mother insisted I retire or she would not move in, which I did, even though I was not yet eligible for social security... But I felt financially, I could handle it. Well it's a struggle. My mom gives me 350 a month of which 200 goes to the cleaning lady who assists my mother. She in turn uses the money to pay my mother rent. My mom gets ss and my dad's pension. The other day I looked at her savings account and saw she had stashed an additional 18,000 dollars since she moved in. I was shocked that she was stashing away money while I was struggling to stay above water. When ever I would bring up helping out more she would get angry.... I can't believe how selfish she has become? Am I wrong to be a bit angry? I know she watches everything I do when it comes to spending MY money and begrudges that I take a two week vacation each year... But honestly, I need that time away to keep my sanity..
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So I'll let her hold her cards a bit longer, because by next year she may hopefully realize how much she needs and depends on me. I found this funny... The other day I told her If take her to the movies at the mall, but she would have to wait for me for an hour while I exercised. "A hour!" "What will I do for an hour". Mom, the same thing I do when I take you to a your dr appointments. They just take things so for granted..,
The Age card - "Yes, mother, you are older than me and always will be. God willing, one day I will be as old as you. Would you like a cup of tea?"
The Sick card - "I am sorry you don't feel well. What can I do to help?" Be sure here to know what you can/will do and what you cannot/will not not do to help and respond accordingly.
The Parent card - " Yes, you are my mother. Sometimes you know best and sometimes I do. Nice weather today."
Bobbi - you are not wrong to be angry. She is taking advantage of you and using her anger to manipulate you. Go ahead and have that discussion and don't let her anger stop you or, perhaps put what you want in writing and give it to her and tell her you will discuss it once she has read it. Maybe give her a couple of options, but do not let one of them be to maintain the status quo.
Good luck and let us know how it goes. (((((((hugs))))))
Our care receivers hold several important cards. First of all the hold the Age Card that enables them to say and do things that younger people can't get by with. Second, they hold the Sick Card that gets sympathy and support from people around them. Third, they hold the Parent card so are used to bossing the caregiver around -- something they've always done. These three cards are very powerful and can make victims out of even the strongest volunteers. They are often played frequently by a parent who asks, "How can you not do this for me because I'm old and sick?" Caregiving-type people have big hearts, so feel guilty very easily IMO.
On average if a working person quits work to be a caregiver he/she will lose, over the years, between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary, it also includes net worth loss of the health insurance; loss of money being put into social security/Medicare; loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k); profit sharing; etc. [source: Reuters 5/30/12]
Bobbi, you moved your mother in. You can move her out. With that important point clear and on the table revisit the household finances, do the sums together, and make d**n sure she looks at the numbers and in future will be paying her full way. And if you want to factor in your Loss of Earnings with those numbers, you go right ahead. You've opened your home to her and offered her protection in her late years: it's too much for it to cost you money she can readily afford as well.
I was shocked when I learned an estimate of my parents estate.... I was surprised people didn't see flames coming out of my ears I was so upset. My parents could have hired a full-time chauffeur instead of guilting me into driving Miss Daisy and her husband [my Dad] all over hill and dale. After all those years of driving, I had developed a fear of driving so I had to drastically cut back... that has made me sick because I use to be so independent, now I am not because of that :(
Dad says he's saving his money for my inheritance.... oh great, Dad, but what if you and Mom outlive me?.... that could happen.
I need you to explain to me why you are paying the housekeeper who in reality is mom's caregiver. Mom should pay her own way.
She "insisted" you retire? I seems to me that this is in no way a relationship of equals, nor is it a caregiver/client relationship. You appear to be being exploited by your mom. Mothers of adult children shouldn't insist on things that are detrimental to those children.
Something I wondered is if you are her only heir or if her bank accounts are set up payable to you upon death. That would repay the extra money you've been spending keeping the house going, but only if she doesn't need Medicare.
If you think she is still reasonable, show her the bills, tell her you're struggling and need more help. Come to a new understanding of how much she will contribute each month, aiming at half of the shared bills. It is the only fair thing to do.
What is it you'd like to change? Do you want to go back to work? Would you like to change your arrangement with your cleaning woman?