You all have it I know or you wont be here. This is year 2 for me and he's not a bad guy it is just we are different in many ways. It is starting to grate on me and I am becoming a very grumpy person. My wife and I are stressed, she has a lot of stress at work. I work at home so I am in it 24/7. We don't have a lot of money to travel and I can't leave him for very long. I can but not sure what the house would be like after. I cook, shop, repair and do all the things around the house, My wife cleans and keep an immaculate house even with 2 dogs.
Dad can come and go as he wishes. It is just he is complaining to relatives ow so I am looking like the bad guy. If I say anything I am really in trouble. It has always been this way. I learned from my mom to keep my ears open and mouth shut. If I tell a relative they tell him. if I tell him he tells a relative. If I say anything to my sister she tells him so I am screwed.
I cant post a message on social media he finds it (sneaky ways he uses the computer). So I am apparently blackballed from the family per sea. It is my assumption but since no one calls now I can only figure that. How do I get info to family that he is not being as forth rite as he portrays? We are all over the country, one sibling and I do not talk (damage done years ago). The other its all about her. Its the aunts and cousins who I guess I don't care but it does sting that I bust my ass and he has to look like the spoiled child.
Losing my cool way too much (it is in check just inside my head).
Do I ask my sibling to take him for a month this summer? If I do she will make it seem like I am asking a favor and will tell him I asked then I look like I am booting him out.
My wife and I had a few hours together Sunday AM with no one around and it was nice to have my house partly back. Spent the most of the day out. Then back to the houseful. Made homemade Clam Chowder.... tried to make dinner a nice social event but still a lot of tension. I know my daughter is tense but she made the choice to move home with her husband and dog (which I do a lot of caring for). I guess she was mad because my wife sprayed fabreeze in her room to combat the smell of laundry that was seeping into our hall. I mean really, we have a nice home and between my SIL and my father their laundry basket smells comes into the hall through closed doors and we have to smell it on our way to our room. My SIL smokes and for some reason his clothes smell (he dresses like a rocker).
Also he was walking his dog through the neighborhood and was upset that someone walking her dog was afraid of him. Now picture this, ball cap down over his eyes, smoking, foot long beard, rocker t shirt, baggy jeans, work boots walking a pit bull (very lovable puppy).... We live in a neighborhood of CEOs, professionals, doctors, business owners etc.... hmmmm I wonder why she was taking aback... he thought is was their fault they thought he was scary.............. Come on! We are not a snotty suburban neighborhood but if you dress like you live in bad boy gear expect the same treatment. He is more accustom to living in a basement and wanting a run down environment.
My daughter met him when they were both at a prestigious college. He was asked to leave due to his attitude, she chose to come home to an art college where she graduated. He is a nice guy but.... OK, I digress..........
And you wonder why I have stress?
Still trying to find dad a part time job that is not beneath him just to get him busy and stop telling the family he is lonely and bored. How about you come out of your room and participate in conversations instead of telling stories. I guess I am to blame for that since I have given him the cold shoulder lately. It is the stress. So lets see who will help paint the house this week..... yip, no one but me guaranteed!
Letting the stress go, not having a cocktail at night so I sleep better (didn't help the past 2), trying to eat better........ its a long, long road......
Your situation is serious. Stress Kills. Saying no and setting boundaries is hard and you feel very guilty at first. Guilt is a form of control narcissist people use. Listen to me the specialist now ha ha ha. But really I learned this from this site. You are in the right place to get help and sort this out where you can deal with it in your mind and put it in a perspective that you can deal with and then work on solutions.
My situation not so similar but similar. It wasnt until I start hurting from being treated worse and then like an outcast. Denial that I have ever done anything for anybody was like denying my whole existence. I had to learn to love and focus on my own well being because no one was going to do it. What I thought was love was being used. So when I was able to deal with that in my head it was on. Realizing the narcissim and understanding that was a giant step. I made all those baby steps with help of input from the site.
Bless your heart. Keep at it hold those guns. And keep putting it out it helps and decreases the stress.
I am routing for you. Its going to be a challenge, but image this going on and on and on.
I can say that this situation is going to continue until you get truly fed up. The stress can make you sick. Out side of prayer which also helps some as was exemplified in the story by NYC, This is the good place to sort out this mess and find the solution that helps you put it in the correct perspective and then pursue the solution. I wish you luck. It took me many many years to see what was right in front of my eyes. I was able to block things for a while. But then it got to a point where I had never done anything for anyone. It really hurt because that was a denial of my whole existence and relationship. That;s when it hit home.
I cried a lot, I felt guilty I am still working with it but I am no longer the footstool and scapegoat. You are not responsible for them and their happiness and well being they are grown up now. You are making the right decision and figuring out how to carry it through so you can live with yourself. Dont feel guilty. You kind of have to start thinking with the meism philosphy now. Its hard and will be but it gets better. Imagine this going on for years. It could eventually kill you. Stress kills. Bless your heart for the person you are. Just draw a line and stick to your guns and shoot anyone who crosses and tresspass on your bounaries (of course not litterally!) (imaginary guns) :)
Remember, you're not the bad guy, you are the righteous guy. Be prepared for a lot of push back, until all those users learn to stand on their own they will constantly try to force a return to their old, comfortable existence... be strong!
As the movie quote said ..."Sorry buddy it's John Wayne time, your on your own!" Thank for all the assistance, I will start to use the ideas, time for people to be on their own truly!
Many of us have been and still are on these journeys. Hang in there!
I came home from the 4th time at the grocery store this week and all the cookie fixings are on the counter. So dad is slowly making his way to make cookies. For church, now mind you I am paying for all of this since he wont go and get the food to make them! Glad I can afford to supply his good deeds.
I was at a meeting and a guy I know is looking for a part time furniture re-finisher he loves that kind of thing which would be a great part time thing for him to do. He did call but as before I am sure it will fall through. He just needs something to do. I do try to get them to do things, I just cant be the chief cook and bottle washer. I may just hang it up and go out to dinner tonight. Dinner is half prepped already (I usually prep dinner at breakfast).
Yesterday I woke my daughter because my wife thought she may be late for work, you'd think it was back in middle school around here, then I got an earful for doing it. I have to friggin tiptoe in my own house. so much for caring, if they are late so be it. (She wasn't late BTW) but how did I know. I have a busy weekend ahead, everyone is on their own this weekend, chef is off duty.....
I have helped my daughter to apply for a mortgage, we will see where that goes, again no reason to get a place when they have one......
My grocery bill has doubled, my electric bill doubled, everything but my income ......
Since then I moved passed it. Yeah..it is the way it is...right or wrong
So I said to my husband, "honey, there are dishes in the sink. I can't dump the pasta with the sink full. Could you do the dishes?". And ao he did them. Should he have boticed when he came home? Should he do them automatically? That would be nice. And sometimes he does. But when he doesn't, I ask him.
Are you asking anyone to do anything? Or are you just assuming that everyone knows what needs to be done?
Look, there's no hole in the front of your head that allows people to read your thoughts. Yes, folks SHOULD know. But often they don't.
Needs to go to church to find out why so stressed, hmmm? Well now, let's see if we can figure it out right here in the kitchen...
I say this bluntly because I think it's time to be blunt.
NO, she doesn't have to clean up after anyone! Doing so just reinforces that your freeloading relatives can continue to do what they want and be irresponsible.
"This is the way he functions."
Okay, you've got a good handle on his patterns of behavior, he needs to change. If you were an employer with staff, would you tolerate such behavior? If you were an employee and displayed lack of consideration and irresponsibility, wouldn't you have been called in for counseling?
I understand that work situations are different but I think there are analogies in terms of how much one person can or should tolerate.
"My daughter made a comment that I need to go to church more to find out why I am so angry. I guess it is becoming apparent that I am stressed. "
I can't even describe how offensive and disrespectful I find this remark. She needs to be given an ultimatum - find someplace else to live in a month or so, and get back on her own feet. I might have been tempted to counter with a remark that she needs to get psychiatric help to determine why she's unable to grow up and accept responsibility for her own life.
BTW, are you charging her rent? If not, you should be. And charge boarding fees for the dogs.
"Things to work on this week.... reduce stress..... let others cook..... yeah that's not going to happen. 1 lazy parent, 1 lazy son in law (don't get me started on that one)... house full....
Let people be responsible for themselves....... whoo boy..... Ill give it a try.... "
TG, I know this is overwhelming. A lot of us have been faced with so many things and problems coming at us from all directions. It often seems as if problems have no solution. But work on them one at a time, and think positively, in terms of solutions.
But above all, remember that you are not a doormat. If you think like one you'll be treated like one.
What's the worse situation? your freeloading daughter, your noncompliant contrary father? Pick the worst problem, spend some time alone with your wife and develop a plan. Then implement it.
And BTW, I don't believe that your father needs to meet any qualifications of limitation to stay in a respite facility. Don't let these negative perceptions stop you.
You're heading for a breakdown, physical or otherwise, but only you can change the direction of your path.
My unsolicited advice is you give them a very short deadline to find and get into their own apartment. Explain that this was a temporary arrangement, that you have your hands full and are unable to continue this way. I get that it's optimal own ones own home, but think back....most of us didn't live with our parents to save for our first home. We rented, it took longer but we got there, It's not reasonable for them to burden you with two more adults ( including an alcoholic) and a dog. Maybe your wife could have a chat with your daughter and take this off of you.
Just that isolated example, not the rest - your daughter is really taking the piss, btw, but I'll come back to that.
Just on the ice cream, there is a telling problem there that says to me that your dad has got seriously on your normally rock-steady nerves. He can't do right for doing wrong, can he? If he leaves his stuff plonk in the middle of the shelf, it's in the way. If he tucks it out of sight, he's hiding it. Where DO you want him to keep his personal goodies?
If my mother made her stinky-sweet syrupy microwave porridge for herself, I hated the smell of it. If she waited for me to do it for her properly, I groused about the chore. At that point, before she was really needing full-time care, she was driving me round the bend. But now I can admit that I was being completely unfair.
So I think this is symptomatic of too close proximity, which needs a different and stronger set of ground rules.
And he's got to clean up his own dog's pee, for a start. Your wife or you must hand him the mop and stand over him 'til it's done.
A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately.
A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, “I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me.”
The neighbors came by his house and said to him, “We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us!” But the man declined. “I have faith that God will save me.”
As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, “Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly!” But the man again said, “No thanks, God will save me.”
The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. “We will come up and rescue you!” they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, “Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me!”
The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop.
A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, "Grab my hand and I will pull you up!" But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. “No thank you! God will save me!”
Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned.
When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”
And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”