My father, he's 83 and a widower of two years. He does not drive anymore (forced by the family and the DMV), has diabetes, heart issues, sight problems, hearing problems, forgetfulness, and he has mild dimentia.
As a good son, I moved in with him, to help, with the support of my siblings and his brother. But our help falls on deaf ears.
He is stubborn, but also a freindly guy.
He wants to do what he wants to do. He wants to make decisions on his own, and those decisions are very often "bad choices", despite logical solutions. He thinks he can still drive a car, even though he has totalled 3 cars in one year. We finally got him tested twice by independent driving evaluators....they said "no way should he be driving".......and now he is not driving.
He's has a lot of money in the bank, but he loves the dollar store.......so much so that he will not buy things from regular stores which means he buys sub-standard products that in the long-run, wastes money, or could harm his health.
He waits until he has one pill left, for his heart medication, before scrambling to get more.
He wants to be in control of his meds.
I suggest to him...."if there is an emergency (eatrhquake, or.....), you should always have two weeks of medication. He dissagrees because he will be spending more $$ that way (shoot me now). Thank g-d I have a 15 gallon barrel of water in the house for the two of us. He thinks that is unessesary.
Since he does not drive or have a car anymore.... he wants to take the public bus, because it's the cheapest. I told him, that the money he's saving on a car and insurance, could go to UBER or a taxi for independance. He does not want to pay for either. He can barely walk 1/4 mile before needing to stop for rest......yet there he is, wanting to take the public bus.
In essence, he is a cheapskate. He can afford better and safer transportation for the rest of his life.....but he wants the cheapest transportation, despite his walking disability.
When I take him to the market, he says, "I can walk a lot if I have a market cart." I told him to get knee braces, or a high-end walker. I bought him a top-of-the-line walker, but it sits there in the livingroom, unused. He walks at 0.1 miles an hour, like an injured penguin.
I understand he wants his freedom, and his respect. I understand he does not want to be seen, or want to think he is incapable of walking on his own without a walker.........but the reality is, he could be a lot more mobile with the walker.
If it sounds like that I won't take him everywhere he wants to go.....that's correct. I won't take him to get 99cent values at the dollar store. I refuse to. I tell him that the crap food he buys at the dollar store is......utter crap. I tell him that 99cent apples and lettuce and other food is "on their last legs of freshness"....but he refuses to believe otherwise, even though it rots in 2 days when he buys it. Basically, he is willing to eat rotting food.....but I am not....and I won't let him (or me) eat rotting (or close to rotting) food.
He spends hours on the net, researching and spending $$ on miracle supplement cures for his aging....healthy joint cure products, brain power supplements, diabetes miracle cures, vitamin supplements,.....yet he will not engage in a proper fresh plant diet. Yet this is where I have already stepped-in, and I cook him fresh and custom healthy meals almost every day, out of my own pocket.
I just don't know how to handle this stubborn man. He says he loves my help, but if my help means that I succomb to his unhealthy and irresponsible living.......frankly, I feel like an enabler.
My Dad loved his rolling walker, the type with hand brakes, a basket and a seat. You'd think I had bought him a Shelby Mustang he loved that walker so much. Mom on the other hand refused to use one. She didn't want anyone to think she was old. Sure, Mom, without a walker no will know you are in your 90's... [sigh]
Ah yes, the Dollar Store, my parents had discovered one some years back, but this store rarely sold food, so it was fine for the products they wanted. They have been frugal their whole lives being teenagers during the Great Depression. They taught me to do the same, glad they did. Yep, I would also head to the discount rack at the grocery store :)
Now, trying to keep Dad off the ladder was a different matter. He was in his 90's, he shouldn't be cleaning out the gutters... he refused to hire anyone to do the work he could do. I just turned away when I saw that. Same with shoveling snow. "What if there was a emergency and he needed to get the car out of the garage" [my parents didn't drive]. Ah, Dad, if there was an emergency you dial 911, the fire department and EMT's have their own shovels. But that didn't stop him.
He seems to enjoy the complication of staying healthy.....and the extra work involved......that the urgency is part of his health program.
It's almost like a placebo effect.....the more he has to struggle to attain meds, the better he feels when he actually gets them.
It's a whacky idea for sure....and it's difficult to understand for rational and well-meaning children of elderly parents.
When my husband would forget his pills when we traveled it was a real hassle to get some away from home, until the national drug store chain we use could look up any prescription filled by them anywhere.
The notion that he'd become dependent on a walker is just silly. I'd keep encouraging that, but not as a Big Deal. Frankly, the thought of an 80-yo boarding a bus carrying a walker terrifies me. Does he shop in stores that have motorized scooters? My husband got a real kick out of using them.
"Let Him do what he wants, because to him, it keeps him busy, and accomplishing something. A goal like "saving money" might be unimportant to you, but very important to him. He may find this as his way of purpose."
(darn you, inner self !!)
Yeah, family finances are taken care of. We are concerned about his health and well being. We owe a lot to our father, and feel he should be in good shape and comfortable in his age.
In fact we would rather that he embellish his last years.....by spending more on his "freedom"........lol
About shopping with a walker ... according to my husband's geriatrician, many elders do very well pushing a market cart. There is no reason to insist on a walker for that kind of walking. Maybe that can be a compromise bargaining chip.