Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
The other thing to consider is whether to get your mom on an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication. Does she have a good doctor who is skilled with dealing with elderly patients? The agitation you talk about is what I'd want to look at and get treated if possible.
Also consider a daycare program for her if you live in an area where those are offered and she would be willing to try it. Or bring in a companion for a couple of hours a day or a few times a week, so you get some "me" time and she gets to interact with others.
It's hard when people get to our moms' ages, they don't have many friends left, so they turn to us for their social outlets. I have a brother in another state who's only involvement is a weekly phone call (that I insisted on), so I could have one day away from my mom. You'd think he's the primary caregiver if you talk to him, LOL. So I know about uninvolved siblings.
The hard thing for me is I'm literally my mom's only contact with the outside world. That's a huge burden to put on anyone. My mom is very independent and likes to read and do Word Find books, so she doesn't need constant hand holding, but since I'm her only human contact, I feel compelled to talk to her frequently (2X a day and then several/multiple visits a week). The sense of responsibility is draining.
And my mom has no short-term memory, so keeping her on track and functioning can also be draining. So hugs to you from another caregiver for a 95-year old mom. It's a tough job!!
Thank you for all of your support. I'm so glad I found this site. I don't feel like I'm being irrational about my behavior anymore. It's nice to know that the things I'm experiencing with my mom are within the normal range of conflicts and adjustments. Your suggestions also give me the courage to stand my ground on setting boundaries and establishing times to be with my husband...and to be alone. Thank you again for the words of wisdom. I'll be checking in regularly and hopefully I'll be able to help someone else who is in a similar situation.
The first months are difficult, because everyone is adapting to each other. Hopefully it will get better soon as people adjust. The thing I would find most worrisome is her depending on you too much and shadowing you. That can become habitual and is a huge stressor. Maybe you can set aside blocks of time for you and her to be together. I think your husband's and your relationship should take priority, however. Maybe you can have one night out every week or two without your mother, and maybe a certain time in the evening when it is just you and him doing things. Your mother should understand your need to spend time with your husband. If she doesn't, you'll just have to tell her that it is the way it is.
I imagine that you and your husband thought this out carefully, and knew it was the best solution for the moment. If it were a simple roommate you moved in, it would be easy to see that the roomie would just have to fit in with the primary relation between you and your husband. It complicates it when it is your mother. They can be so bossy and demanding at times. You'll just have to be firm with her or risk feeling a lot of resentment.
Are there things that she likes to do? I know things are limited at her age, but I wondered if she might enjoy making new friends. It might make her less dependent on you for company.
It isn't easy. I hope that you'll be able to work things out so everyone is comfortable. I know your mother is also feeling uncomfortable, living in a new place. You are probably her touch stone of familiarity. Maybe there are other opportunities for her out there, perhaps at church or the local senior center. Much luck with the new life. We know how you feel.
Mom was living on her own until we had her live with us. I'm getting little, if any support from my siblings who now live 3 hours away. Before the move they lived in the same town but did the minimum in terms of helping her or inviting her to social events. She uses a cane but is still very tentative walking. Her short term memory is diminishing and she can get very agitated when things don't go her way. She is also extremely possessive of wanting me with her at all times...which makes it difficult to do things on my own or with my husband. I feel like a teenager all over again. :-/
Tell us more about your mom. My mom just turned 95 and is able to live on her own (in independent living), with a LOT of help from me. As a friend said, "She's in assisted living and you're doing the assistance." That's true. It's frustrating, draining, joyful, scream-inducing, sad, funny, all kinds of things.
My mom's biggest issue is she has no short-term memory, so trying to get her to remember things is impossible. What's going on with your mom that is so frustrating for you?
Sounds like you have an impossible task for 2 people to do for one person with mobility problems 24/7. Does she have any resources to pay for a paid caregiver to come into the house? Does her doctor think she can continue to live in your home with your help?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Also consider a daycare program for her if you live in an area where those are offered and she would be willing to try it. Or bring in a companion for a couple of hours a day or a few times a week, so you get some "me" time and she gets to interact with others.
It's hard when people get to our moms' ages, they don't have many friends left, so they turn to us for their social outlets. I have a brother in another state who's only involvement is a weekly phone call (that I insisted on), so I could have one day away from my mom. You'd think he's the primary caregiver if you talk to him, LOL. So I know about uninvolved siblings.
The hard thing for me is I'm literally my mom's only contact with the outside world. That's a huge burden to put on anyone. My mom is very independent and likes to read and do Word Find books, so she doesn't need constant hand holding, but since I'm her only human contact, I feel compelled to talk to her frequently (2X a day and then several/multiple visits a week). The sense of responsibility is draining.
And my mom has no short-term memory, so keeping her on track and functioning can also be draining. So hugs to you from another caregiver for a 95-year old mom. It's a tough job!!
I imagine that you and your husband thought this out carefully, and knew it was the best solution for the moment. If it were a simple roommate you moved in, it would be easy to see that the roomie would just have to fit in with the primary relation between you and your husband. It complicates it when it is your mother. They can be so bossy and demanding at times. You'll just have to be firm with her or risk feeling a lot of resentment.
Are there things that she likes to do? I know things are limited at her age, but I wondered if she might enjoy making new friends. It might make her less dependent on you for company.
It isn't easy. I hope that you'll be able to work things out so everyone is comfortable. I know your mother is also feeling uncomfortable, living in a new place. You are probably her touch stone of familiarity. Maybe there are other opportunities for her out there, perhaps at church or the local senior center. Much luck with the new life. We know how you feel.
My mom's biggest issue is she has no short-term memory, so trying to get her to remember things is impossible. What's going on with your mom that is so frustrating for you?