Taking care of our elderly.
My 3 sisters and I are helping take care of our elderly parents. They both have health issues (mom more than dad). They have drove us nuts and continue to at times and we've done things for them they I never ever thought I'd have to...changing depends, cleaning up puke etc. As much as I don't want to do certain things I think back to when we were babies/kids and all they did and sacrificed for us. I know there are times when we need outside help (believe me we've used agencies that provided help for things we can't do). I just wonder why so many don't want to return the favor and help their parent(s) out more?! I KNOW things can be very stressful but I always remind myself to take a breath, step away if need be and remember all that my parents did for me when they probably didn't want too/and or was at their wits end.
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My mother-in-law stayed with us for 20+ years. She felt very uncomfortable - almost paranoid - of being alone so my wife quit her career as a Research Scientist. We took her wherever we went however we two could not go anywhere on our own leaving her alone. Last three years she was in Nursing Home and my wife visited her EVERY DAY for 8 hrs/day. Yes, it was strenuous and our relationship got impacted since her mom was the priority umber one.
However, I do not regret it at all. I am glad that I was able to help her take care of her mom. Blessings of parents are important if one believes in Karmic Theory.
My older brother is 10,000 miles away and his only child is here. He chose to be away since he did not have enough money for medical care here and had could not qualify for Medicaid. He is 77 and his wife is 78 and she takes care of him. I visit them every year and I see the toll that has taken on her. There is no way, his son, being the distance, can take care of him. My brother came for 6 months to be with his son and all the doctors said that he should be in nursing home (has variant of Parkinson called Shy Drager Syndrome) but his wife refused to have him move to nursing home.
Having said this, I realize, after reading the comments as to how truly difficult the situation can be for many. There is no nuclear family any more and folks are scattered all over so the nearest one gets the burden. Medical advances have lengthened the life span but not the Quality of the Living. I read a book by Dr. Atul Gawande "Being Mortal." I recommend to read it by everyone. Though I am 70 year and in good health, I keep praying to the Almighty NOT to burden my kids (or anyone else) for long illness and ruin their life. I hope our good Karma will fulfill my prayers.
If society really had better values and priorities, people would not have to struggle and battle and suffer the way they do.
Aid for the impoverished would not be cut back year on year while this population grows year on year. Clueless legislators would not tell poor families they can no longer buy grains and beans in bulk or fish with assistance funds (WI....looking at you.)
Taking care of the weakest, most vulnerable, and least powerful among us would not be so poorly paid and respected while fools in ivory corporate towers accumulate more money than they can spend in 100 lifetimes for cutting jobs, ruining the environment, and spitting in the eye of the society that even makes them possible.
They did not have to spend a decade or more doing in-home care because their parents didn't live nearly as long as people do today. Diseases that killed in short order then, don't now.
They had much better access to a lot of things that are either cut back to the bone or non-existent today. This economic and social change is lost on them though.
Somebody (that's us by the way) is supposed to "just take care of it" as has always been done.
Except what we have to deal with today is nowhere close to the way it was. We all have debt going up, salaries going down, a thousand times more uncertainty at work, and volatility in every aspect of life it seems. You can lose your entire retirement on the capricious decisions of a corporate president and board of directors. There is no loyalty to employees or reward for hard work as there was before. Corporations are as unethical as they can get away with being.
You can work 25, 30, 40 years and have no pension to speak of. No assurance of much at all. Unless you're downsized because you have seniority and the higher salary that needs to be cut to humor board of directors who place no value on workers.
It's d@mn near impossible to take care of things the way that should be possible, that should be good for people and families. The caregiver situation needs a lot more public attention, policy protections, and the whole society is going to have to kick in to support it. We're all going to need it at some point or other.
The other day I tried to explain to my Dad how overwhelming all of this is for me as my parents [mid-90's] choose to remain in their large home instead of moving to a fantastic retirement community just down the road, which they could easily afford, where they would have had MORE freedom... nope.... they have to depend on me, instead.
I explained to my Dad when his Mom needed help there were 15 relatives who his Mom could depend upon.... and my Mom's parents there were 12 relatives who her parents could depend upon.... for my own parents, there is JUST ME, and occasionally my sig other. I am an only child who was never blessed with children. I am so exhausted emotionally, and my own age decline is coming at me quickly because of this... my parents could still outlive me.
My parents had 25 fun filled years of retirement, lots of travel, etc. Here I am pushing 70 and I probably won't see retirement... sigh... all that frugal savings throughout my life will now go to my own assisted living care instead of traveling to see the world :(
Couple years ago my Dad had asked me to give up my career to drive him and Mom all over hill and dale.... I asked my Dad if he gave up his career to care for his parents.... his answer was no... he never asked me again.
I like what Mallory said about the "innermost sanctum". I articulate it differently, but in my ethical framework, we are moral agents who have not only the right but the duty to uphold our personal highest values. Not everyone holds their parents' care and comfort as among their highest values, and that can be due to the nature of the relationship, the parent's qualities, or simply the person's other competing values.
Many of us get roped into caregiving because there are no better options, and many others avoid it simply because they can. I'm angry at my siblings for not understanding what a burden this is for me, but as far as not wanting to sacrifice to help Mom, I understand that completely.
e last few hours of your own life? Or spend your last hours changing mom's diapers? Please value your own Life more. Then the question is no longer about everyone else but about what really matters, your own life. If you choose to include mom into your innermost sanctum, your own Life, then I don't think you would be asking the question. So maybe you are trying to value yourself more but coming up against resistance--maybe it is trying to guide you, back to You.
We are answering you from our various perspectives. Of course, most of the folks on this forum ARE helping their parents (or another loved one) so in a sense we might not be the right people to ask. But you asked and we are answering. Not defensively, I think, and no reason for you to get defensive.
What kind of answers were you expecting?
How many hospitals, assisted living and nursing homes do you see employees who are RN's, Aides, etc. who are 55+ years old? Very far and few between... there is a good reason.... we don't have the energy or the physical ability to help those who are older then us.... we have our OWN age decline issues.
I, on the other hand, am giving more than I want to give, and it's been that way for 4+ years. For one thing, I moved to a state where I hate the climate, and have not even had a vacation since I moved here. I have sacrificed too much already and with no end in sight, for someone I really don't even like or have a close relationship with. Yes my mother cleaned up my puke when I was a kid. She chose to be a mother. I didn't choose to be her mother, or anyone's. My mother had 20+ years of carefree retirement where she flitted around the country, partied with her friends, and worried about nobody but herself. I have been tethered to the side of a doddering old woman since my retirement and before. Jeannegibbs said it very well, and sandwich42 said the rest. I was willing to do this for a couple of years, but it goes on and on with no end in sight. My mother is grateful (sometimes) for all I do for her, but no amount of gratitude can compensate me for all the time I've given up not being able to live my own life.
The minute my mother is disabled enough to qualify for Medicaid, she's going to a nursing home. You may think that's cruel, but people reap what they sow. She's not a companion or a friend to me or anyone I want in my life. I can't be done with this period of my life soon enough.
My general observation is that there is zero financial support for career caregivers. They are typically family members over age 50 who earn no wages from this work, put away no savings, and can't contribute to social security or their own well being.
The elder can get some care benefits, but there are very few benefits specifically for the caregiver.
The fact that the caregiving job can last for years is a big factor. 5 or more. 10-15-20 for a dementia patient. This is a serious chunk of life to give up. And if it happens when you're 50, you're not going to be done until you're 65 or 70 or older.
Quite bluntly, it takes a whole lot longer to die than it used to, when the caregiving job might be 1-2 years or less.
A lot of workplaces aren't flexible about this either. Especially for non-exempt/hourly staff who may not get sick leave at all. If you're not on the clock, you aren't getting paid. The rules aren't the same for everyone.
There are more obstacles to being able to caregive than supports. Some people just can't take it on.
I didn't say that "most" people here come from dysfunctional families. I said "many" and that is very apparent from the hundreds of posts I've read in the years I've been a member. It stands to reason that a support site is going to appeal more to people from a troubling background. Many from nurturing environments don't even look for this kind of site. (Some do, obviously. Like me and you.)
I hope you don't think that anything I said implied that your shouldn't ask questions and express opinions from your perspective! I was just answering your question from mine.
2) Not all people are cut out to be caregivers (or parents). Such people do well to see that someone else provides excellent care, and to advocate for their parents. A friend was exasperated that her family expected her to do most of the hands-on caregiving because she didn't have children and would have the most time. "Why do they think we don't have children?! We know we are not nurturing people!"
3) Often by the time our parents need help we are into old age ourselves and have started some physical decline. When my mother cleaned up my puke and diapered me she was in her twenties. When she began to decline I was in my 60s. That does make a HUGE difference. "Repaying" our parents for what they did for us is simply not comparing apples to apples.
4) Some people are just plain selfish and can't be bothered caring for an elder. Not everyone has a valid excuse/reason for not helping out. But please don't assume that everyone who isn't doing what you are doing falls into this category. It simply is not true.