Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I mean really.... my wife made holiday treats for people at work and while they are cooling he just helps himself to a bunch of it not even asking (as they are cooling).
We are trying to get ready for the holiday but he just does whatever he wants.
He waits until we are out to go and do whatever. I had to hide cookies for Christmas eve but he finds them. Even hiding stuff he will sniff it out like a dog. Well, I hope he enjoyed this bread as it is the last one I will ever make. I just went and picked up his meds, drive him to church, his lodge breakfast at 7 AM, the Dr, and another Dr. a good thing I don't have a real job as I can drive him around.... I just run my own business, not like I really work or anything...... It's amazing how money just magically appears to pay for everything.
✋️ (That's a definite "yes"!)
TG, I sympathize. I think I'd at least have to say, "Those weren't for you. Please ask next time." There's got to be some kind of boundaries for this elder/toddler living with you. :-)
My dad was looking very bad. He can barely walk, must be supported by another person, and he's lost significant weight. I'm glad I got to see him... I guess. It's always such mixed feelings about this man. But I hope he can keep making it on his own for a bit in his independent living spot, with my mother's constant help.
I realized this trip home that I need to make sure I don't play into any drama -- that I don't create any by talking to my mom about protecting herself with contracts, etc. She's going to do what she wants, and I accept that. She knows how I feel and what I would recommend.
My dad has severe COPD and has several inhalers that he doesn't use. He says they don't help. I showed my mom how to use them. Maybe she can try to get him to use them more often. He's very stubborn, though. Hearing him try to breathe when standing and walking is tough. He needs to be on oxygen, imo.
Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. Mine's been very good this year. There was one exception -- my first cousin. I decided I'd had enough of her sh!t during caregiving and basically wrote her off as being any relationship I wanted to keep in my life. Every year when I see her for a few hours, she reminds me why I made that decision and, for now, will keep that distance with her. I'm friendly enough to her but then there's inevitably some barb aimed at me, in the same old way. Even my bro stuck up for me this year. I'd guess a lot of families have that one person who won't be nice and decent, even for a few hours at a holiday gathering.
No news from HUD one way or another about the trust disqualifying my dad from their place. I told my mom that either way, we can appeal on his behalf and see where it all falls. He's getting to the point he needs much more daily care, anyway.
Merry Christmas, DYS thread. Hope everyone had a nice one.
Duck wondering how you are.
sharyn - hope you are getting your various issues - health and health insurance sorted out. Good news about your son.
teng - whie I sympathize with the messes you are cleaning up and the lack of gratitude, dad is only going to get worse. The only one you can change is yourself.
heart to heart - good to hear from you
rn - Pam and Barb give good advice
send - that sucks about medical insurance
re the dysfunctional family criteria - I think most of us who post regularly and many who post a few times are/were clearly in unhealthy situations that could correctly be assessed as dysfunctional. On the other hand I suspect that even healthy families have their dysfunctional moments. In my family it was not moments, but 24/7 365 day a year.
ali - sorry to hear that your dad is failing, however your mum seems to stepping up to help, I am glad you are proud of her. I can identify with your mum having compassion for others but not for you.
"I need to make sure I don't play into any drama" Oh yeah -for sure, definitely!!! Glad you are staying away from your cousin. That's why I stay away from my sis. It's great that your bro stuck up for you this year. Sounds over all that it went well.
Grandson is recovering well from his surgery. Still waiting on dd's biopsy results. Celebration of Life for ex will take place in the spring when, hopefully, it will be covid safer. I am recovering well from my tumble in the driveway.
Take it easy everyone. Look after yourself!
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One of my sisters e-mailed everyone last night saying she missed the drama. WHERE IS THE DRAMA?!! is actually how she put it. My first thought was Exactly.......no family get together means no drama. She missed it? That says a lot about my family. Nothing more to add here. LOL
I tried so hard to avoid the Dec stress build up but it overtook for a day. We all survived, but DH mad for days. Me mad that all xmas gets dumped on me every year (all but putting the tree up). One year I swore I'd go away on a cruise instead (plan now wrecked : Covid).
Vent over. Sorry.
One event to go.. the one I was assigned/assumed into a care role by others without asking. I have made clear I am not in that role, but this is still making me anxious.
Even though people are staying inside and keeping warm,
it would be beneficial to air out our homes daily, in a major way
to decrease toxins.
That can be done in about 30 min.- one hour - so circulate that air!
(researched opinion).
sharyn - bet the twins and the pets like the snow.
send - My furnace, and many others, have a fresh air intake. Judging by the drafts I can feel around the doors, I am sure between them, the fresh air intake and the fireplace, the house is well ventilated. Who has a house that doesn't have air leaks? Opening windows, even if they are not frozen shut, is not an option at our winter temperatures
cw - yes!
My black eye is progressing as these things do. I used concealer which, with my glasses, makes me look pretty normal as the swelling has gone down. Got tired of looking bada$$ and I don't want to scare the delivery men. lol Other than that, I really don't have any bruises - a few spots that are a bit sore to touch, but no bruises. Don't understand it, but I am so very thankful. All this is like a tickle compared to FM pain.
My posts are meant for those who can, and those who will.
I appreciated Garden Artist's recommendation so I looked up EWG.
(Environmental Working Group). Learning a lot there.
Another abbreviation for the newbies thread! EWG.
One can ventilate their homes, or be ventilated at the hospital-if you can get a bed. (Did I just actually say that? Extreme, imo.).
FM pain-thought I was going to die yesterday from the pain. Better today.
I might try 30 days with no bread.
Online/Dr. Sten Ekberg/Youtube/Holistic Medicine.
Is he credible? Anyone know?
Edit:
Golden, we have a heat pump for air and heating. Thanks to you I have discovered it does not exchange air from the outside!
But we do have hepa filters. I am opening the windows for for 30 min. and turning on the whole house fan now, just as the rain has started cleaning the Los Angeles air quality. Thanks for this 'discussion'. Feeling ignorant.
I eat gluten and dairy free and low carb, regulate stress, work to get good sleep, and have been rid of FM pain for a while now. Various supplements also help, I think. I suspect lifestyle goes a long way towards affecting FM. I have read that many CFS/FM sufferers do better on a low carb diet. I know I do.
This caregiver is doing much better today than yesterday and all the yesterdays before that.
My decision last year to move closer to my mother to aid with her care has been both a blessing and a burden: In so many ways it is helpful *to me* to be close so that less of my time and energy is used with travelling to and fro, but the increased daily interaction has highlighted for me the simple facts that 1) I have never actually liked her, 2) she is extremely manipulative, and 3) my being ever helpful may make her life easier but it is dragging mine down.
She has no friends and no other family members willing to help. (There are reasons for that, and they are all to do with her difficult personality.) She has care aides 3x/day in addition to me. She is deemed to be mentally competent and therefore the decision not to enter a nursing home is hers and hers alone.
Time to get on with my life. Time for some very clear boundaries. I felt very empowered yesterday when I actually said "I can't help you with that." She was shocked. So was I! And, dang, did it ever feel good.
BTW, to cope with the daily onslaught of her negativity and complaints, "grey rocking" has been useful (when I am able to disengage before feeling my own resentment bubbling up). I am also doing what I am calling "blue lagooning": I am floating in tranquil waters, and all her "noise" is somewhere far off in the distance. Breathing in, breathing out. Warm and safe and lulled by gentle ripples.
I am very grateful for the life I have, for the personality I *did not* inherit from her, and for the fact that I (hopefully!) have a huge chunk of my life still ahead of me.
I am writing this while enjoying a steaming mug of tea, with my fluffy sleeping kitty's paw dangling down the back of the couch and brushing my face. I can hear his gentle little snores. These are the simple pleasures in life that matter.
Wishing everyone a very happy and peaceful 2022.
I too am learning better coping skills (like NO), just in time. Had a heart scare this last month, that put things in perspective for me. (caused by my narcissistic mother pushing me to do more for her and not believing I have a health problem, that I am just lazy) that put things in perspective for me. If I don't take care of myself I will not have a life, much less a good one! (BTW Heart was okay, radiologist mistake, but it means the ME/CFS is worse and there is no escaping that life sentence!)
So here's to better treatment of ourselves, putting ourselves first so we can be the caretaker, in this new normal! Cheers!
i hope everyone has a quite New Year Eve.
Happy New Year!!
wee - No is good - just keep saying it to unreasonable demands. MY CFS/FM is much better since mother died (3 years ago) and I am dealing better with other stresses in my life. I haven't had FM pain for some time. There is hope!!!
sharyn - good to hear about your grands, but not about the snow shoveling and mailboxes. Let hub do it - IMO, you do enough!
barb - Happy New Year to you too.
Between the very cold weather, ex passing and the holidays, I have put on 3 lbs. They are going to come off somehow...and the journey continues.
Take care, all! You are worth it!
I haven’t been here in an age, so just popping in to tell everybody to have the best 2022 that you can.
I SAID I would no longer be the caregiver. For a long time I went unheard & the expectation & pressure was still there at every extended family event. But I kept to my message. Bring an Aide. I am not your Aide. It still feels somewhat awful to not help, but every little help from me just enabled the dysfunction & delays getting a real solution.
Relative even less able to manage self-care/hygiene than previously. Accidents, odour, soiled. Embarrassed, uncomfortable? Not obviously so. Deep denial? Maybe. Functional decline. Yes I think so.
But now what to do? Stand by & do nothing? Still await the crises? Ensure I am not ever at the same event?
(That's probably what I would suggest to someone else..)
Does your sister suffer from anosognosia-- not "getting" her deficits? Then yes, you are awaiting a crisis.
Does she have an aide? Can someone else arrange for the aide to be at the event?
Am nearly at the guardianship stage.. except told siblings will be overruled by parents (if in sound mind). One still is.
So wait it must be.