Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Has a giving nature & aims high. Focuses on encouraging independence & has hope for increased insight.
Or in denial, some may say..
I am Ms Black Hat of worry, dread & dire warnings.
Or realistic, depending on your view.
I'm here after seeing a post that I could really respond to. Plus, I've started a new thread asking how many marriages are lost due to caregiving. I've been here since 2009 and have seen a few plus many heading in that direction.
My health is about the same. I'm using a BIPAP now when I sleep. The boys are fine. Our oldest got permission to move back home from Indiana to work online. He has his own apartment here and this is where he went to college for both of his degrees.
I will be 65 in May and thus retire. I am going to wait until my full social security retirement age of 66 1/2 to draw social security.
We are all vaccinated and boostered!
I wish everyone a happy as possible New Year.
Happy new year to you too. Sounding so positive for the future. I like! 😊
Did you note how much longer my hair has grown in the pic. I've only had it slightly trimmed during Covid.
One reason that I feel good is I have returned to school, online this time and in another country, just for the sake of learning!
I could never put all of that emotional/literal mess into words here, nor should I. There were so many things that happened in childhood and caregiving that were beyond my control. It was traumatic for me. Thankfully, I rarely think about that stuff anymore, except to sympathize with other AC posters.
It doesn't help anything that I'm wearing these ladybug-print PJ pants that have a CRAZY story behind them. The gist is that a nutjob CG agency-owner stole some of my GM's new clothes I had bought for her and the owner put back her own old clothes. I'm guessing that's what she did. Either way, she took things and put in other things. These PJ pants didn't fit my GM so I took them because they fit me. Maybe it's time to get rid of them so I don't have reasons/triggers to think about any of the bad stuff that's happened. That's been almost 10 years ago now.
For anyone who's in the middle of an ongoing, unfixable, dysfunctional hands-on caregiving situation, I can only say that you should get out of it, whatever it takes. You can still do caregiving from a safer distance away from the chaos. It takes too high of a toll on your mental and physical health. For me and my situation, and for others who participate in these threads, I know it's a toll that we never fully come back from. (((((hugs)))))
*I was sick today and called off work and slept the entire day. I can tell that I'm more emotional tonight than usual. That's common for me when I'm ill. But it's been a good emotional purge for me to revisit some of this, I think. I'm safe, I'm working towards my own life, and I'm out of all of that stuff.
Triggers are sneaky things. Words or actions, directly or indirectly, can set in motion so many emotions and memories. The only thing I hope for when that happens to me is a feeling of peace after the usual catharsis.
I know I am better than the people and circumstances that add(ed) darkness to my life.
I am going to use your wise words as a mantra: "I'm safe, I'm working towards my own life, and I'm out of all of that stuff".
Thank you for sharing and inspiring. Sending hugs.
Like you said, I am not the people and circumstances that added that darkness to my life. That's a good way to put it.
Sharing the rest of this post just for giggles... :-)
So in that regard, since I am not my hoarder parents, I pulled out my four (4!) unused old computers tonight and will make sure all personal stuff on them is stored to a cloud or a storage device, and then discard or donate them. That's the only reason I still have them, is to make sure all personal data is off of them then wipe/reset before discarding. One is an old desktop that, last time I tried to use it 15 years ago, showed the blue screen of death. I kept it around to see if I could get the priceless pictures off of it but it might be a done deal. I'll try to fire it up, do what I can, then move on. No hoarding anything for me. They were all neatly put away but STILL! No hoarding! lol If it doesn't serve a purpose, it needs a new home... probably in a landfill.
I looked on the two laptops I had during caregiving and there are a lot of pictures and videos from that time. I looked at some of them and acknowledged that yeah, I did a lot of thankless work for years, I went through a lot, and I was unprepared for so much of what I would face and unprepared for the emotional toll of it all. It was an extremely difficult time for me and I'm just so glad that's all in the rear view.
Funny about the laptops. I don't bother as much about keeping the photos any more. I do store some but let others go. They stay in my memory if they are important to me. And life brings new things every day.
Re trauma - This is my experience
as written by Catherine Woodiwiss,
"Trauma permanently changes us.
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.
This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage."
for further thoughts by the same author see https://sojo.net/articles/new-normal-ten-things-ive-learned-about-trauma
That friend died about a week ago. She and her mother lived in Scotland in the town where I went to university. I first met Anne and we became friends about 10 years before that when we were both 14. That's 70 years ago. Her home and her mother's hospitality offered me a safe place when my family was trying to destroy my last year of studies and my reputation. Anne and her mother simply didn't believe the lies they were told. They welcomed me as always and I can't express what that meant to me, and my emotional health, and self esteem. They were truly beautiful, loving people.
It's been quite a month and I hope that things ease up for a while. Right now I have to let the feelings wash over me like a heavy rain and trust that the sun, which I know is behind the clouds, shines through soon. RIP Anne. You were a wonderful friend.
Thank you all for being here and being part of my cyber family. ((((((hugs)))))).
1) Reading an excellent book entitled "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. It isn't a new publication but it is new to me and I am finding it very insightful.
2) Borrowed a light therapy box from the library, of all things.
The combination of the two seems to be helping to sustain an even keel this week.
I am having a very quiet weekend doing some reflection. It's just over 3 years since mother passed and a lot has happened since. Ex and my friend of 70 years have passed, another long time friend has Alz., oldest son has diabetes, dd has cancer and I am closer to moving a bit south. I have been in this house for over 40 years and it has many memories, both good and bad, but I know it is time for me to move on to a smaller place.
tdub -so glad you are finding that book insightful. Learning about my family's disorders/mental illnesses/dysfunctions/ gaslighting/quirks/whatever has been very validating for me. Great that the light box is helping too. Take care.
I say step daughter…..keep in mind that there very different designations in the world we live in. We accept her as she is.
she has chosen to be non binary. They do not what to be designed as a female or a male. I suspect they will lesbian in the long run. I could be wrong. I use non gender pronouns in regards to them. They were molested by an uncle on the fathers side. No one on the fathers has stood up for her. She believes woman have little rights after what she has gone through.
im just going to leave this here and hope those that comment are loving, understanding and realize we can’t be judge mental with an 11 year old.
no judgement except for those who have not stood up for her
otherwise love, compassion and prayers for the stepdaughter (person) :(
If she is on Facebook, I know of a private group for those thus traumatized. PM me for more information
Your son and family are sure getting a good introduction to winter weather which has been busy this week.
I'm glad people feel more comfortable expressing themselves. An acquaintance once said to me, "We don't have gay people in Iran." Of course that's because they would be killed if they came out! I think we have to let people be, and realize that these qualities have always been present in humans but it's only recently in many societies that someone can talk openly about their own orientations and pursue options that seem right to them. I hope society will be patient and accepting, and understanding will grow in time. Hope all of this sounds kind, in the spirit it was intended.
I'm proud of you and your family for being loving and supportive of a child who needs that.
I like Golden's take: The important memories are the ones in our minds, and life is new every day.
I still have four computers sitting in my office area waiting for me to do *something* with them. Oy vey. lol
Ali, yes, we love this child and accept them as they are. Her mother has been the only person who has stood up for her. Whether they stay no. Binary or evolve to lesbian life style later, all we want is a happy person who accepts themself. We will do all we can to see that it happens. Thank you for your input and understanding. Each person is precious as they are. ❤️💕❤️
C-PTSD is an emerging term describing the after results of childhood trauma.
Such trauma experiences may range from overt physical incest, covert emotional incest, to the toxic divorce of one's parents to CEN, i.e. childhood emotional neglect, as in a parent or parents not meeting our emotional needs as a child, etc. For some, all of these fit.
While many think the impact of covert emotional incest is not as bad as overt physical incest, they surprisingly have the same symptoms. That's what the literature shows.
Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome is not in the DSM yet, but I hope it will soon be there.
I've said all of this to present three helpful books.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker
Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach To Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole by Arielle Schwartz
Complex PTSD Workbook for Women: Practical Growth Guidebook for Thriving Recovery, Mind-Body Treatment for Overcoming Trauma Caused by Childhood Neglect, Sexual or Domestic Abuse by Jessica Ellen Hammock
These are but a few on this subject. I've seen the first two mentioned often in an online trauma group that I am part of.
I hope some find these helpful. Several are available as kindle books for reading on your phone or computer.