Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Kindle Edition by Ellen Bass (Author), Laura Davis (Author)
Recovery from caregiving is still important in my daily life. I tend to isolate a lot and Covid really helped do that very effectively. I do appreciate all the support I found here, when I really needed it!
Nasty letters? Not from mom but nasty letters sent from each twisted sister to others. That is the passive aggressive ways of my origin family.
TS1 sent a packet, yes a packet on bullying to several family members, including to my mom's husband. I was caring for him and mom for four years, he had general decline but still very sharp. Mom lost in the depths of dementia. TS1 was angry because I was there helping them and thought it was a result of my bullying them that I was there. Twisteds really preferred their denial at that point and thought there were no dementia problems there and TS1 never visited or assisted. She lives about 5 miles away. She was afraid of me verbally assaulting her, the therapist!😂😂
TS2 sent letters to professionals that my mom had hired over the years. The list included the CPA, attorneys, doctors, etc. She was wanting to verify the extent of the dementia, whether mom needed care, what was appropriate care and the value of home care all the while telling these people what mistakes, as she judged, I had made in my life, including my first marriage 35 years earlier even some things that went back to high school. I found out about the TS2 letter because mom's husband showed it to me. He was hurt and astounded by the accusations made against me. He and I were very close.
The TS2 letter sent to the pros was given to me by mom's husband again after it was given to him by their CPA. Again the hurt for him. I scanned and sent that to TS2 and she was angry that someone had given it to me. Of course, I did not tell her where it came from.
Just a sampling of the craziness of my two twisted sisters. I haven't talked with TS1, the therapist in about five years now.
I should have posted this to the dysfunctional family thread. Ahhh, the memories.and the support I received from so many here when I needed it the most.💕💕
Golden, Church , Barb Ali Book I hope you are all well. Peace love c and healing to everyone.
yoda - I think we have many here experiencing PTSD from a variety of sources
glad - I remember those days. Goodness - how far so many of us have come, with the invaluable support found here.
(((((((duck)))))) I have been wondering how you are. Good news that your mother has proper care and services in an NH. It has been a very long and difficult journey for you and I hope you can relax a bit now. I also hope that your sis and nephew aren't causing you any trouble.
dd - Following her recent post-chemo experience, she is lining up resources here and I believe intends to have additional chemos locally. The 5 hr road trip back after a chemo session doesn't do her any good and the hospital took very good care of her. The large amount of info she has been given is on paper (in this day and age???) so she has gotten help to organize that - meds, appointments, advice on how to deal with this and that, etc. Between her ADHD and chemo brain the help is very welcome She is totally the admin person in the house and she is delegating most of that to and some other jobs to dgd who wants to help. What I can offer is emotional support (lots of texting), some $$$'s to help with some of the additional, expenses, extra bedding though we hope we have a better handle on the post chemo D now and so on.
Some things have improved so much for me in the past 5 years, other things remain the same old struggle. It's tough to own up to my own long-standing dysfunctional ways and habits. I thought sharing some about my own journey to consciously tackle self-dysfunction might resonate with some of you.
sharyn - it isn't easy but your heart is in the right place
Welcome Chirpy. Sounds difficult to live with but unless your hub sees there is a problem he s not likely to change. His self-centered parents trained him well. Have you sought counselling to help you deal with this and maybe set some boundaries? It must be very stressful for you.
ali - while living in a dysfun fam we learn many dysfun ways. Identifying the problem is the first and a big step. I am still a work in progress.
On the dd front good news. The chemo is working even after only one session. The lump is already smaller. She has her second session next week, with some small alterations in dose to reduce the D and better meds so we are hopeful that she will not repeat what happened before.
I had a meltdown today - just too much going on. DD asked me to drive her next week to two appointments, one at 9:30 and the other at 11 the next day. As much as I want to do everything I can to help her, I have my limitations -particularly my age, the CFS/FM and the fact that I am moving house in a few months and am downsizing and preparing to sell. Also the fact that since her diagnosis I have less support than usual and am being asked to give more than usual doesn't help either. I wish I could do whatever she needs me to, I wish I could take this all away, I wish I felt better and able to do more, but I can't and I don't. I am coming out of a relapse, and mornings are not my thing anyway. I called her and she understands and says whatever she asks is always framed with what I feel I can do and "No I can't" is fine, but my mother's heart wants to do it and feels bad when I can't. On top of that were several smaller things which added to my frustration - once more the bank has something wrong, a laptop died, Google is misbehaving, the plumber didn't come when he said he would and so on.
However, this too will pass. The weather is above freezing. Yay!!!!!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend. 😊
I'm glad her treatment seems to be working!
My son is here this weekend helping me pack for my move. Got a lot done, and we are both exhausted! Early to bed tonight.
I am enormously relieved that dd's cancer is responding to the drugs, I think she has a very good chance of complete recovery. She is 56 but looks much younger, has no comorbidities, and works out.
The snow is melting here and temps very reasonable. Going out to get the mail was enjoyable! 😊
My trick? I still walk the hall, three miles most days, yes really. It is then that I figure out what I will tackle next.
Great news about your daughter, Golden. We can only do what we can do.
My daughter in love contacted me a week ago last Saturday. They need $1,495 to pay the movers who will be delivering their belongings the next day, Sunday February 27. I told her we can’t. We already gave them $750 before they left California which we told them they have 2 years to pay back. They got the money from her two sisters.
we are having to cut back which includes dropping Direct TV and selling my hubs Jeep to pay off the loan. I can’t drive the Jeep because I have too much pain with the seats and the seats can’t be adjusted close enough for my short legs to comfortably use the gas and break pedals. Yes, I am tall, but I’m short legged, Lol! We told them we can’t help.
In May we plan on a trip to Colorado to bring them two end tables and a tv table I bought second hand. This is all we can do. As parents of adult children, we can only do so much. We are not an endless well.
sharyn - family will use you if you cooperate with their requests. There comes a time to say no. My dd and her dh had to say no to her adult son a while ago They would have to had borrow the money that he wanted from them. No way! He was living beyond his means. Of course, that is his choice -and it is also their choice not to accommodate him. Glad you are holding firm to your boundaries and know what you can and can't do. I had to pull the plug on loaning money to my dil. It escalated and repayment was very slow and reluctant. She doesn't talk to me anymore and that's OK.
((((((Pam)))))) I understand this so well. My sis is like your bil. She wants me to be her servant. Until your hub realizes he is being used and doesn't want to play that game anymore it will keep happening. I guess you know that already. The only thing that I can see you being able to do it set boundaries which you did by saying don't deliver, let bro come and pick up his own meat. Personally I would set the limit of not buying anything more for bro. You earn money that goes into the family coffers. You have a say in how it is spent! I came to a better awareness of these kind of dynamics in my family relationships by the on-my-behalf indignation of friends as to how I was being treated. When you grow up with it you see it as normal, even though it doesn't feel good. It can't feel good to your hub to be treated like this. I am glad you are supporting him in a healthier direction.
Weepy again yesterday - not sure why. Its coming up three months from the hits of ex's death, and dgd and dd with lumps, so I think it is a kind of grieving. I am very hopeful about her recovery but I can still see her face as she came out of her doctor's office having heard the feared cancer diagnosis. I was glad I had driven her down that time as she wasn't in good shape to drive herself that day.
Have a good one, all. I'm going to try to get more sleep!
https://www.verywellmind.com/grandiosity-in-bipolar-disorder-definition-and-stories-378818
https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html
I swear I'm not affiliated with the author but much of what she talks about I feel. So many people who don't know what it's like working through bureaucracy of getting help have no idea how hard it is and how guilty we feel when we don't want our mothers in our home.
trying - good article! I found there were people who got it, and people who didn't. Mostly, for me, the people involved with her care "got it". Honestly I didn't feel very guilty about not allowing my mother to stay with me. I made that decision years before it became a question and was supported by my kids, my dh, friends and counsellors which helped a lot. Sometimes there aren't great choices and we have to take what works for us and that's OK. ((((((hugs))))
My sis in love needs prayers too as she advocates for my brother is unrelenting in his care. She stays in his room with him and she performs many duties the nurses would normally do but even at Stanford, there is a shortage. Pray for both of them. Thank you so much.