Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Glad to report that my twisted and DN havent done anything since my mother has been in Nursing home.
I still struggle with anxiety and depression but thankful I have some peace of mind.
My mother is progressing well. I still break down at times I still cry when I come and leave. I think my programing makes this even more difficult emotionally. One good thing is you have to show negative C result each visit to nursing home and staff gets swabbed weekly. I like my mothers roommate. One visit she told my I was the only one who visits and it messed me up. I just assumed differently and it broke another piece of my heart. I can see someone visits but I dont think regularly and I really struggle not to think about them. Although no one has reason to come down I have started leaving more personal things hidden which is more convenient. I fear getting comfortable and it's sad to even consider someone sabotaging my things but it's a reality and wont go away.
Ali I can truly relate to your posts and you are an inspiration.
Golden, BarB, BOOK, GERsh, Panz, Sharon it felt great to see you all holding it down. I dont want to confuse things so I will refrain from personal comments. I really love the daughter in love instead of law. That was awesome. I stay in prayer. Trying to address my dysfunctions and lack. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing it. Cant find something, panic, get depressed I am so @$!. Then I find it. I had a run with misplacing bank cards which got scary.
Of course Easter rolled up and I was so depressed. I dont know why I remember every loved and how much I miss them not to.mention Anniversarys. So for a minute I was feeling weird about why in the world was I so depressed.
Aanyways, Ray's of love light and healing to us all.
Miss you all so wonderful to check in to see the wonderful folk holding it down. I felt like I had come home the home in my mind where love is abundant and unconditional.
Ttwisted and her son seem to have left me alone. I cant put down my guard I have seen and felt the capacity. I know it will never leave me. I wish I didnt dwell on things or even remember. It stresses me to get flash back of their or my mother's maleficence toward me.
I still struggle with my dysfunctions the pain the misery.
Golden, that post about the letters was off the chain.
Ali as usual I can truly relate to your posts. You are an inspiration.
Barb, Gersh, Church. Panz, Sharon it was wonderful to see you all. All of you are so wonderful so good to see the goodness at work.
Btwy I love the daughter in love instead of law!
I watched the series the thing about pam. A true narcissist at work.
I am still working hard at my personal dysfunction trying to get better in every essence. Still lonely still in prayer, still a cry baby still blessed.
Rsays of love light and healing to us all.
Don't be a stranger Duck!
Ida, welcome.
I will say to both of you YOU matter too!!
You all are always in my heart. Something that practically rescued me for the depths of turmoil I will never forget. Every last post reflect some part of my thinking. The guidance the ugly truths helped me get hear. It wonderful to hear or rather see those same voices resonating. Still wonderful loving spirits giving real and hard love through sharing and advice.
I have to get a new computer even the phones are a thing up. Waiting on knew one.
Oh oh! The last days of ptolemy grey was an awesome series related to dementia written by author richard Moseley who wrote devil in a blue dress. He says he usedhis experience with his mother when she had dementia.
Rsays ofvlovevpeace and healing
I live two houses up from my dad's. I am always going down there that I have had to get a pedometer installed on my phone. LOL. Just so I can show my husband I do a lot of walking, when he tells me I need to walk more. LOL. My dad is still able to bath himself and do laundry and fix himself something to eat. He does not use the stove or oven, NO! Just to make that clear. He can use the microwave to reheat something I cook. Or a sandwich if he wants it. But I take care of his meds, the houses, bill pay, cooking, rental properties and things he wants or needs done. I also run a business out of my home, do my own bills, and run my own household.
By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I just needed to vent!! I had a wonderful group of ladies and gentlemen that lifted me up and let me vent when I need all those years ago on here!!! Caregiving in never easy!! I commend anyone who is a caregiver!!!
Sorry you are having such a rough time
It's what a lot of us are stuck with though.
I've come to believe that it doesn't matter how I'm doing. Looking at Mom's health vs. mine, I expect she will outlive me by a few years. The job is what matters, and if it gets to a point where I can't, for whatever reason, continue to provide adequate care on my own, I'll find a substitute. Mom says she can't accept a stranger in her house, but she'll just have to deal with it.
“I've come to believe that it doesn't matter how I'm doing.”
Nooooooo.
HUG.
Maybe you mean: you’ve come to believe that’s what others believe about you?
YOU know how you’re doing matters. Often, only we can stand up for ourselves. No one else will do it; and some will exploit/take advantage of a kind heart; and some want to intentionally destroy someone else’s life.
Referring back to the title of the OP's question: we're talking about dysfunctional families. It isn't about what I believe. My parents and I haven't been on good terms for years. And of course, their families are on their side, not mine. So, it's all of them against me.
Anyway, I may be alone in this mess, but at least I know there are other caregivers out there in exactly the same position!
I fully empathize, and it’s a terrible situation. I only wanted to try to help you. HUG. I really hope things get better for you.
Poodle
For example, OP might be American, but her mother (who needs a passport to go to Hawai’i) might be a foreigner. Not every family member necessarily has the same nationality.
In fact, I have a friend (foreigner) who lives in the US. He’s not a permanent resident; but he’s lived many years in the US. He’s a professor. He recently flew to Hawai’i, needed his passport. He’s not American. His only identity card is his passport. It’s the only way he’s allowed to board any plane, in any country.
(Passports expire. You need to renew them, etc.)
“Hawai’i is part of the US”
Just some history…
It was its own country. In 1893, it was militarily annexed by the US. The Queen of Hawai’i was forced to abdicate and give her country away.
In 1993, 100 years later, there were and still are, independence movements.
I read your profile and can tell you an elder can turn any situation into a crisis.
Here's a good place to start getting some control over your situation with your mother.
STOP PLAYING HER GAMES! The attention-seeking behavior, the negativity, and the threats to harm herself are how she will control you and keep you jumping through hoops, how she will stay in control of her environment as she gets older, needier and more demanding.
My friend, I'm not a therapist but I've been an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for almost 25 years. The saying 'misery loves company' is the truth especially with the elderly. Not everyone of course, but it's common. This is where some tough love needs to come into the picture.
You cannot become your mother's life. It is not up to you to do everything for her, take her everywhere, be responsible for her socialization needs, or be her constant companion. It is not for you to give up you job, your current life, and neglect your own needs and that of your family to become a nanny-slave to your demanding and manipulating mother.
The next time she threatens suicide call the police and an ambulance. They will take her to the hospital. A bit of time on a psychiatric floor is usually enough to put the brakes on those performances. I called on my own mother. I was looking forward to something she wasn't part of and wanted to make sure she ruined it for me. Her performance started a few days before with the working herself up and threatening to kill herself. I went in the other room and called 911. I called my sibling and left it in her hands then boarded a flight and left. My mother was released. She went home, didn't kill herself, didn't burn the house down, and didn't give any attention-seeking performances while I was gone. Elderly people live to become elderly people because they value their lives.
Stop playing her games. Also, don't ruin going to Hawaii by taking her with you.
Please law down some law here and stop playing her games.