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Me three Sharyn!
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Oh, Sharyn!! (((((Hugs))))) and good thoughts and prayers for your brother.
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Oh sharyn - hugs and prayers. Let us know how he is doing.
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Ggreetings everyone. Just checking in. I find it amazing the calm I feel inside when I check in. I'm not caught up and I wish everyone all the best.

Glad to report that my twisted and DN havent done anything since my mother has been in Nursing home.
I still struggle with anxiety and depression but thankful I have some peace of mind.
My mother is progressing well. I still break down at times I still cry when I come and leave. I think my programing makes this even more difficult emotionally. One good thing is you have to show negative C result each visit to nursing home and staff gets swabbed weekly. I like my mothers roommate. One visit she told my I was the only one who visits and it messed me up. I just assumed differently and it broke another piece of my heart. I can see someone visits but I dont think regularly and I really struggle not to think about them. Although no one has reason to come down I have started leaving more personal things hidden which is more convenient. I fear getting comfortable and it's sad to even consider someone sabotaging my things but it's a reality and wont go away.

Ali I can truly relate to your posts and you are an inspiration.
Golden, BarB, BOOK, GERsh, Panz, Sharon it felt great to see you all holding it down. I dont want to confuse things so I will refrain from personal comments. I really love the daughter in love instead of law. That was awesome. I stay in prayer. Trying to address my dysfunctions and lack. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing it. Cant find something, panic, get depressed I am so @$!. Then I find it. I had a run with misplacing bank cards which got scary.
Of course Easter rolled up and I was so depressed. I dont know why I remember every loved and how much I miss them not to.mention Anniversarys. So for a minute I was feeling weird about why in the world was I so depressed.
Aanyways, Ray's of love light and healing to us all.
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I just lost my post!! A whole book!
Miss you all so wonderful to check in to see the wonderful folk holding it down. I felt like I had come home the home in my mind where love is abundant and unconditional.

Ttwisted and her son seem to have left me alone. I cant put down my guard I have seen and felt the capacity. I know it will never leave me. I wish I didnt dwell on things or even remember. It stresses me to get flash back of their or my mother's maleficence toward me.
I still struggle with my dysfunctions the pain the misery.
Golden, that post about the letters was off the chain.
Ali as usual I can truly relate to your posts. You are an inspiration.
Barb, Gersh, Church. Panz, Sharon it was wonderful to see you all. All of you are so wonderful so good to see the goodness at work.
Btwy I love the daughter in love instead of law!
I watched the series the thing about pam. A true narcissist at work.
I am still working hard at my personal dysfunction trying to get better in every essence. Still lonely still in prayer, still a cry baby still blessed.
Rsays of love light and healing to us all.
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Oh wow I didnt lose the first one! Lol.
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Duck! Good to see you on here. I'm sorry you still struggle with depression. I do too and can relate. I too used to get sad when I would visit my mom. I think a lot of the residents didn't get many visitors. Maybe they were horrible people and that is why. Maybe not. Either way it's sad.

Don't be a stranger Duck!
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Sharon, sending prayers and hugs!
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That's a good question. I am a disabled senior citizen, yet people stop me and ask how my 91 year old Mom (who used to be abusive) is doing, meanwhile, I'm invisible as a human being -- now only a slave to the system, programmed to fulfill Mom's every desire on demand.
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KatyKat, don't allow yourself to be erased! Stick with us; we lift each other up!
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Hello, I am new to this.....and being a caregiver. I am thinking this might be a good thread for me to follow as I am caring for my mother. Yes, our family dynamics are full of dysfunction and my mother and I were mostly estranged for 7 years.
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KatyKat, I hear you.

Ida, welcome.

I will say to both of you YOU matter too!!
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Gersh, I know it feel weird here I am almost 62 and still weep for my mother. I didnt mention that as she progesses her true self comes out and it sends me back to the beginnings of my dysfunction. How is your garden?.

You all are always in my heart. Something that practically rescued me for the depths of turmoil I will never forget. Every last post reflect some part of my thinking. The guidance the ugly truths helped me get hear. It wonderful to hear or rather see those same voices resonating. Still wonderful loving spirits giving real and hard love through sharing and advice.
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Kit Kat you are in the right place keep posting your truth. Somewhere sd o how you will find guidance and support. Wonderful wise people who have experience maybe even worse. I'm so grateful for this forum thank you all.



I have to get a new computer even the phones are a thing up. Waiting on knew one.

Oh oh! The last days of ptolemy grey was an awesome series related to dementia written by author richard Moseley who wrote devil in a blue dress. He says he usedhis experience with his mother when she had dementia.
Rsays ofvlovevpeace and healing
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Hello All! I am back once again, this time my dad is not doing so good. I am exhausted!! I had forgotten about this site until recently. I originally found this site back in 2012, while I was taking care of my mom. She passed away in February 2015. I thought I would be able to have time to breath cause I knew that I would eventually take care of my dad. I was wrong! During the course of the last 7 years, I notice a decline in my dad's mental health. It was little things at first and then became big things. Took him to several different doctors to rule out possible underlying health issues. Finally got him to a neurologist a year and a half ago. He was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's.

I live two houses up from my dad's. I am always going down there that I have had to get a pedometer installed on my phone. LOL. Just so I can show my husband I do a lot of walking, when he tells me I need to walk more. LOL. My dad is still able to bath himself and do laundry and fix himself something to eat. He does not use the stove or oven, NO! Just to make that clear. He can use the microwave to reheat something I cook. Or a sandwich if he wants it. But I take care of his meds, the houses, bill pay, cooking, rental properties and things he wants or needs done. I also run a business out of my home, do my own bills, and run my own household.

By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I just needed to vent!! I had a wonderful group of ladies and gentlemen that lifted me up and let me vent when I need all those years ago on here!!! Caregiving in never easy!! I commend anyone who is a caregiver!!!
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Hello everyone, y brother broke his hip and has been transferred to rehab. He was transferred back to a hospital as his kidneys are not doing well. I don’t know the full issue. I’m planning to go to California on Saturday to see him. I still want to see Nancy as she has progressed to where the pain meds they are giving her, are not taking care of her pain needs due to terminal cancer. I don’t know how many opportunities I will have to go to California since my sister says she is moving to kentucky. It will mean I stay at a hotel for a couple days.
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SharynMMarie,
Sorry you are having such a rough time
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Travel safe, sharyn. We will be thinking of you.
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I keep thinking that having to provide care to someone who used to make your life hell on earth is some sort of crazy mixed up kind of justice, isn't it?

It's what a lot of us are stuck with though.

I've come to believe that it doesn't matter how I'm doing. Looking at Mom's health vs. mine, I expect she will outlive me by a few years. The job is what matters, and if it gets to a point where I can't, for whatever reason, continue to provide adequate care on my own, I'll find a substitute. Mom says she can't accept a stranger in her house, but she'll just have to deal with it.
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Dear Katykat,

“I've come to believe that it doesn't matter how I'm doing.”

Nooooooo.
HUG.
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Poodledoodle, it's what we're so often told and people's actions towards me have spoken louder than words. My physical health matters somewhat to them, but only to the extent that I can continue to do the work.
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Dear Katykat,

Maybe you mean: you’ve come to believe that’s what others believe about you?

YOU know how you’re doing matters. Often, only we can stand up for ourselves. No one else will do it; and some will exploit/take advantage of a kind heart; and some want to intentionally destroy someone else’s life.
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Dear Poodledoodle,

Referring back to the title of the OP's question: we're talking about dysfunctional families. It isn't about what I believe. My parents and I haven't been on good terms for years. And of course, their families are on their side, not mine. So, it's all of them against me.

Anyway, I may be alone in this mess, but at least I know there are other caregivers out there in exactly the same position!
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Dear Katykat,

I fully empathize, and it’s a terrible situation. I only wanted to try to help you. HUG. I really hope things get better for you.

Poodle
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Dad went i to a care home 3 weeks ago. I am concerned about my mom who is now alone for the first time in 56 years. She calls me and vents all her problems and i feel overwhelmed and burdened. She won't accept counselling or reach out to supports. She said that she doesn't eat for days. I thought i would do something nice for both of us a d plan a trip to hawaii to reconnect. Getting her passport has been stressful. I am only within the last few days realizing how difficult the situation is becoming. While in the elevator at the passport office she said she wanted to die and looked over the edge of the balcony as if she wanted to jump. Then she left to catch a ferry back home. I felt concerned but really like she was trying to hurt me. She doesnt behave like this to other people. Its only directed at me. I phoned police to check om her and later in her voicemail she laughed about having threatened suicide. Did i mention that i am a trauma therapist in a rewarding but highly stressful career? I don't know how i am going to cope if this continues to progress. I am seeking support this is my first post. Please be kind.
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You need a passport to go to Hawaii?
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Yes you need a passport if you’re a foreigner.
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SJ's profile says she is in California. Last I heard Hawaii is part of the U.S.
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Hi Glad! :)

For example, OP might be American, but her mother (who needs a passport to go to Hawai’i) might be a foreigner. Not every family member necessarily has the same nationality.

In fact, I have a friend (foreigner) who lives in the US. He’s not a permanent resident; but he’s lived many years in the US. He’s a professor. He recently flew to Hawai’i, needed his passport. He’s not American. His only identity card is his passport. It’s the only way he’s allowed to board any plane, in any country.

(Passports expire. You need to renew them, etc.)

“Hawai’i is part of the US”
Just some history…
It was its own country. In 1893, it was militarily annexed by the US. The Queen of Hawai’i was forced to abdicate and give her country away.

In 1993, 100 years later, there were and still are, independence movements.
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@SarahJaneJenx,
I read your profile and can tell you an elder can turn any situation into a crisis.
Here's a good place to start getting some control over your situation with your mother.

STOP PLAYING HER GAMES! The attention-seeking behavior, the negativity, and the threats to harm herself are how she will control you and keep you jumping through hoops, how she will stay in control of her environment as she gets older, needier and more demanding.

My friend, I'm not a therapist but I've been an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for almost 25 years. The saying 'misery loves company' is the truth especially with the elderly. Not everyone of course, but it's common. This is where some tough love needs to come into the picture.
You cannot become your mother's life. It is not up to you to do everything for her, take her everywhere, be responsible for her socialization needs, or be her constant companion. It is not for you to give up you job, your current life, and neglect your own needs and that of your family to become a nanny-slave to your demanding and manipulating mother.
The next time she threatens suicide call the police and an ambulance. They will take her to the hospital. A bit of time on a psychiatric floor is usually enough to put the brakes on those performances. I called on my own mother. I was looking forward to something she wasn't part of and wanted to make sure she ruined it for me. Her performance started a few days before with the working herself up and threatening to kill herself. I went in the other room and called 911. I called my sibling and left it in her hands then boarded a flight and left. My mother was released. She went home, didn't kill herself, didn't burn the house down, and didn't give any attention-seeking performances while I was gone. Elderly people live to become elderly people because they value their lives.
Stop playing her games. Also, don't ruin going to Hawaii by taking her with you.
Please law down some law here and stop playing her games.
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