The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

burned (((((hugs)))) - I agree totally with the others and that detachment is the best place to be with that family of yours and his
Isn't it wonderful when we fully realize that it is not our job to fix anyone - that's letting go of the codependency and becoming healthy
banshee - I am glad for you that your mum is in LTC and that you choose not to visit when she turns ugly - it is very important to remember that "she can't hurt me anymore unless I make myself available" - so much wisdom in that, I am learning to make myself less available too
austin - so glad you got to that point too - let go and let God.
cmag - thanks for your research - we have so much to learn, hope your wife's carpal tunnel surgery goes well today
jessie - are u back on the detachment wagon?
today I am sad as I have been in contact with my nephew - my sister is narcissistic too, and more vicious/heartless than my mum, I have slowly been developing a relationship with my nephew and family, who are a long distance away, but email works. He is estranged from his mum and she has disinherited him (long story). They have the most beautiful little boy, her only grandchild and she pays no attention to him. This morning he wrote and told me some things my sis had said to his wife when she was 2 weeks post partum, and I am shocked and saddened and my resolve to visit them one day is increased. Today, I am ashamed of my family and their behaviour.

CMag Prayers for wife, please write when you can and know our hearts are with you.

emjo Gentle nudge...you are not your sister, her actions and inactions are out of your control. Love your nephew with all your heart (he is a lucky man) and goodness will reign. We should all be so blessed to have you for an auntie. XO

thanks banshee, I know, and my sis and I are not at all alike. I feel badly for how she treats her son and family. I know it is out of my control. He and his family and I are developing a very nice relationship. Now, she us trying to stir up trouble between mother and me over mother's 100th b'day ceklebration. Not going to happen, I am not taking the bait. Mother can stir up enough trouble without any help from her lol.
Ah, a little simplicity would be nice...

Amen!! And I am proud of you!

My wife's carpel tunnel surgery went fine, but post op was rough with nausea which continued during our hour ride home. Since she could not keep down a little bit of crackers and ginger ale, it was obvious that she can't take her pain or other meds. We called in about this once we got home a few minutes ago. My wife told them that she needs a suppository like she has needed in the past. The on call doctor is calling in something. I'm glad that our pharmacy stays open late at night.

glad it is done, cmag and that some meds will be available in a form your wife can use therm
- thanks for updating us - prayers that the nausea goes away and she heals well

thanks, just picked up the new med. Recovery from this surgery takes 4-6 weeks and the first 24 hours are the toughest with coming off of the anesthesia.

People here are probably going to start thinking I live in a crazy house. I am starting to think that myself. The last week has brought an ugly change in the behavior of my mother. I know it is difficult to keep everyone sorted on the group, so I'll mention a bit about my parents again. My father is agoraphobic and has what looks like Asperger's and absolutely dreads contact with anyone other than my mother. Occasionally he'll let me into his small circle. My mother is undiagnosed, but appears to have mild dementia. She can drive people around her crazy with her worrying and fretting.

My mother recently called in a home care company for my father. My father quickly became overwhelmed, as did my mother. They both asked me to cancel the OT & PT, which I did. Then my mother became angry, crying and yelling about how Dad was trying to kill himself. She said that he had promised her he would never do what his mother did, and that he was doing exactly that. My father just pulled into himself, stopped eating, and got very weak this weekend. We are continuing with the home care, but limiting it to one appointment a day. My mother says again she wants to stop them from coming in (for various reasons).

Today my father was better. The OT came in and he perked up. He was doing just fine for him. My mother started passing him some notes (he's deaf) about how she will go to the hospital with him if he will go. Where this came from, I don't know. I heard her say something about hospital, so went to find out what was going on. She got mad when I read what she wrote. I told her that Dad was not going to the hospital. I asked her why she was trying to upset him and told her I was tired of the drama. I told her she needed to get out of the house and do something, so maybe she wouldn't be so bored she needed to invent drama. She was not happy, but I think she knew I was right. She went for a long walk. It was a beautiful day, so I hoped it would help. While she was gone, Dad perked up and even started to do his income taxes.

Tonight when my father was going to bed, she started accusing him of trying to commit suicide again. I came in. She started crying, saying he had told her he would never do what his mother did. She is really stuck on that right now. She did not like my father's mother at all, and has frequently used her as a weapon against him.

I'm wondering what is going on. Is she afraid of losing him and getting mad at him because she think he's not trying hard enough? Or is she trying to nudge him over the edge? I am starting to wonder if she may need some serious help, so it will take the stress off my father. It is true that he seems to want to die. She goes back and forth between acceptance and combativeness. This is one of the most difficult situations I have encountered to date. I know there is no easy answer except to take it one incident at a time, but I wanted to talk about it to someone.

Another bad thing is all the upset is taking so much time that I haven't been able to do my own work. Something has to give.

JesseBelle Good lord my poor darling!! I am amazed you can still function at all with all the enturbulation around you. I wish I had answers for you, maybe someone else will have some ideas. What I can offer is this: your bunnies love you and you them...I believe they understand what you are going through and there are no conditions on that love. That being said, spend whatever time you can with them soaking in the love and know that all of us love you without conditions too! Sending you more than enough love to shield you in whatever battles you may be facing. You are SUCH a good person!!!!!! xoxoxo

cmag Thank you for letting us know that you are both home safe and sound. Please let your wife know she is in my prayers still and I hope she was able to get some rest. (And you too...take good care)

Morning all!
I woke up feeling very depressed but after reading the love and support shared by everyone my spirit is rising. I guess that's what we're all about.

cmag- I know those first 24 hours are rough but get as much rest as you can and know we're with you in love.

banshee -your words have given me strength to face this morning. I can only take one hour at a time and right now for this hour mom's still sleeping. :)

JesseBelle- God is sending His love to you through your rabbits. My prayers are with you.

emjo- Love to you from your brothers and sisters here. ; )

Update- mom denied the whole incident to my husband last night. I stood there with my mouth open listening to her explain that she didn't push me or slam the briefcase on my hand. I couldn't help but wonder if she were playing him against me. I will not sacrifice 35 years of marriage for my mother. I honestly don't know if it's progressive dementia or progessive narcissism. I can handle the dementia better than knowing she's being manipulative. ALF w/memory care is the best arrangements for her and my marriage. I know she won't be cooperative but I pray God will show me the way.
Love to all!

I love this topic!!

Thank you, Banshee. I don't think there is an easy answer. I'm not a religious person, but I do think this is one I'll put in God's hands and hope that he'll grant some wisdom on how to handle things as they come. I am so glad for this group, since it is hard to talk about these things to other people. When I woke up this morning, I realized I was going to have to take more of a parent role and less of a daughter one. I understand that my mother is afraid to lose my father, but I don't want her fear to be expressed as anger against him. He has enough to deal with already. Perhaps there is a way to express the fear and grief in a better way.

Hi, All! I know I haven't been able to post in a few days, and boy, just catching up on all your posts has taken me an hour to read! :-) I'm so sorry so many of you have had a tumultuous couple of days! My prayers are with you all! I have been busy helping a wonderful friend of mine...She has leukemia...She is currently in remission, waiting for a bone marrow match. We are trying to figure out how to get more people to register. The need is SO GREAT! I've been writing/calling local news stations, celebs., and charities. There is so much bureaucracy, and red tape...it sickens me! She can't believe I would help her to this extent. I can't imagine not doing it! I'm sure you all would agree with me, right? Thanks for listening, again :-)

My husband and I have been chosen by my 92 year old dad to be POA and Health Care Proxy, much to the displeasure of my three brothers, their wives and families. They are constantly second guessing all of our decisions, saying that I make wrong headed decisions tthat are detrimental to my father's health. He has been sufering with Alzheimers Disease for about 8 years and he now resides in assisted living near me. He is 2 hours from his sons who all moved away from the rest of the family over 30 years ago. I have been the one who has taken dad to all of his medical appointments. He has had cataract surgery with complications, memory problems and heart issues as well as rectal bleeding, ulcers, etc. His general health has stabilized. The Alzheimers continues to be the most worrisome issue for all of us. He is easily upset and confused, and he tires. I don't know what to do about the rift with my brothers. I never imagined that we would have such bitter difficulties in our family. We were able to get along well until this situationhas divided us. What should I do? Does anyone have any advice?

I have some advice :)
it may be slightly vulgar so put on your delicate sensibilities vulgar proof ear buds.
here's what you said....
"My husband and I have been chosen by my 92 year old dad to be POA and Health Care Proxy, much to the displeasure of my three brothers, their wives and families"
I would advise them all to pound sand into the appropriate orifice immediately if not sooner. that's my advise. I hope this helps. good luck!

I have become selfish over the years. My family was a mess as I was growing up. I had an alcoholic dad and my mom was an enabler. My dad passed when I was in college and I have always had anger issues with my mom. My mom is a user. She'll find anything she can to get me over to her house. She wants me to bring over my vacuum cleaner for her maid to use because she is having company over later in the week. She has her own vacuum cleaner, but it's not good enough if she has visitors. What nonsense! My mom is just beginning to need my help on a regular basis and I suffer from mental illness. I can barely take care of myself. Some days it's difficult to get out of bed. I never had kids because I knew I would not be able to take care of them properly. I don't get along with my mom and never have. I am not going to be able to do this without ended up in the hospital. I don't know how to give to my mom without resentment. She has never given me any respect, so why should I do anything for her. My therapist thinks my mom continues to hurt me without realizing it. I'm really tuck. I'm in between guilt and hate. I wish I had more empathy towards her, but I've lost it from years of mental abuse. Your thoughts please......

It is a sad thing that for many people, after giving birth, they expect everything to be one way -- child to parent, instead of the other way around. The parents feel it is enough to put some food on the table. Children are expected to love and obey even when there is no love or respect being given. When the kids grow up, these parents can't figure out why the kids are doing bad things. After all, they weren't raised that way.

When the children leave the thorny nest, expectations don't change. Parents expect the kids to call and to visit, though they themselves don't. When they grow old, they expect the children to give care, though they themselves never did. Many say things like "you owe it to me." Why? because you never came to my baseball games or school functions? because you never came over to see me? because you went for several years without calling? because when I was in the bed ill you acted like it was an inconvenience to you that I couldn't come home for Christmas?

When we mature, we have to make decisions about whether to carry on the bad feelings or pull ourselves out of them. Most healthy people will pull themselves out and not get caught in the old quagmire. Many people have to separate completely. Others can separate emotionally. I don't think there is any one right way to do it. It may be that some need a combination of both -- physical separation followed by emotional separation.

As someone who has recently moved back into a one-way situation, I can say it is hard to stay emotionally detached when physically close. I consider myself fairly mentally healthy, but it has been a huge drain on me physically and emotionally. I have gained a lot, however, in learning to live beyond the anger. The anger I was feeling was chewing me up on the inside. I have a feeling there will be some other positive benefits, too.

I think each person from a dysfunctional family has to look at their situation and decide what is best for them. If it is something that benefits the parent, but harms the child, I would err on the side of the child. There are too many other options than to put the adult child through the same abuse. I remember a few years ago when I first considered moving back to take care of my parents I thought that they had almost destroyed me as a child, why would I want to return and let them finish the job? Circumstances change, however, so each of us has to do what we feel is best when WE feel it is best.

dianedavis, the problem of division with your siblings and inlaws is their monkey not yours. Your dad trusted you with the POAs. Their reaction to this is their issue. I would recommend to talk a hold of the authority the POAs give you for the benefit of your dad and function with that authority for the benefit of your dad. You didn't make your siblings and inlaws have these issues. You can't fix them nor control them. Understandably, you will morn the togetherness you once had, but in this situation, it sounds like you are going to have to be like the navy admiral who in the face of on coming torpedoes, said "D the the torpedoes, full speed ahead"

I also suggest going back over this thread and find what I posted about detaching from narcissistic and or borderline type people, or any type drama king or drama queen.

I wish you well in your journey.

well my issue isnt about dysfunctional family tonight...its about Dairy Queen having the nerve to double charge me and the super not willing to come back to discuss refunding my account...i felt like I got punked and i am trying to pinch everything I got ...well best part of it is I got hubby out on a date with the family and we enjoy ourselves as a family tg for the small bit of bliss we had this evening i have to say it was the topper on my cake and get this both of my kids are in bed already :) i can almost say I rock it :)

wallpaper, Frankly I think your therapist was way off base with the spin they put on your mother's abusive behavior. Abusive people don't have the self-insight to realize they are being abusive and their occasional apologies and promise to love you are merely tools to hover you back in for more emotional abuse via fear, obligation and guilt.

I am sorry that you suffer from a mental illness. As you know from experience, it makes care taking harder and dealing with your mother's emotional blackmail far more difficult. My own mother is a narcissist and I have bipolar disorder. I could not survive, nor could my family survive if she was anywhere but in the nursing home.

A certain degree of being selfish is healthy for we must detach emotionally from those who want to suck us into their drama queen or drama king insanity.

I hope the therapist can help you with your anger which sounds very deep with a lot of history underneath it. If not, I'd find another therapist.

One thing that helped me with my anger was to write my mother a letter, read it to my therapist after which we burned it in a fire proof container and cast the ashes to the wind. I hope you find some peace from your hate and strength to be more detached with love from your mother. You didn't make her how she is. You can change her. Nor can you control her. All you really have control of is you and choosing a healthy path for yourself in taking care of yourself despite what your mom does or does not do.

As I posted a few days ago My Mom was put in the Hospital.. And It was a complete nightmare.. I am emotionally and physically so drained..

While my mom was in the hospital I discussed my concern w her Dr. about the possiblity that she has dementia.. so he arranged to have a neurologist due a consult.. she was fine at one point w it.. she even agreed she has felt many times confused and forgetful..she was all for seeing this dr. and possibly starting medication.. but as the day went on and she saw that she may have to spend another night in the hospital she went into this other personality.. calling me every 15min.. threatning to leave.. calling the nurses.. the nurses calling me.. she was dead set on not spending another night in the hospital waiting for a Dr. she did not need to see.. She called me and accused me of making her out to be crazy.. this broke my heart.. I reached my breaking point.. I just broke down and cried and cried.. at this point it had been a few days of me running up to the hospital bringing food..talking and talking to her..explaining things over and over.. I couldnt reason w/her on any level.. and this isnt the first time when my mom doesnt get her way that she has acted like a spoiled child.. even when she is home (at my house) if she doesnt get her way she threatens to leave and go to "her" house..or she wont come out of her room..or eat.. so yes.. I just broke down.. My husband went up to the hospital to try to reason w/her.. well this made everything worse.. he told her she needed to stop acting like a child and understand that I am trying to help her ect.. long story short.. she is now home(my Home).. her primary Dr released her due to her performance w/out seeing the other dr.. and she wont come out of her room when my husband is home,or eat, and she insists she is going back to her house.. I know she cant.. and my husband says for me to just ignore when she says this.. but she is so angry she wants no part of being here.. assisted living or NH is not an option.. so as I said to my husband it was hard enough before this.. now living like this is impossible.. The combination of her personality plus the possibility of dementia is a nightmare.. One part of me is so very sad.. one part is angry.. and what ever is left is just completly burnt out... now I am in the middle of my mother and my husband.. my mom feels I am taking his side.. but I know the truth.. just when you think things cannot get any harder or more stressful.. they can..

Izabella, what a nightmare. I don't know how this will all work out. I guess all you and your husband can do is wait and see. I'm sorry she left the hospital. Things would have been so much easier if she hadn't. If she was insistent, however, and the doctor didn't have sufficient reason to hold her, he had to release her. Did he do it against medical advice?

I wish I could think of some advice, but I can't. I hope that you can sleep well tonight. Sometimes things work out while we sleep and everyone gets a fresh perspective in the morning. We know you were acting in your mother's best interest.

Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted for a few days.
Cmag, I was reading about your wife's carpel tunnel surgery, I hope you and she are doing better, and I wish you nothing but the best for a speedy recovery.

Well I was reading also what people were saying about detachment. I am not the live in caregiver in my family, my sister is. She's been living in mom's home for the last three years. She's been in charge of my mom's sister, the narcissist who just passed a month ago. My mom has about stage 4-5 ALZ. Mom was always her sister's enabler. Throughout my life mom really had this need to always be at her sister's beck and call. My aunt who I had posted couple weeks ago, about her abusive behavior into her senior years until her death didn't just start then. She had a history of being verbally and physically abusive to grandma, and I even witnessed it on a couple of occasions when I was a kid. Mom knew of many instances, and I never felt that mom came to either my sister's or my defense. She allowed it by ignoring it. She also permitted my aunt to be in our lives constantly, her sister even lived with us throughout the years, so there was no getting away from this toxic individual. Unfortunately, dad didn't have any boundaries, because he just seemed to go along with mother's plan, I guess to keep the peace with her.

But in this game of dysfunction, this certainly sent the message to us that we somehow didn't figure into mom's definition of being a responsible parent. So my sister and me definitely became like the little mother's for my two younger brothers. Funny thing is that mom has always looked up to my brothers as if they are some kind of kings for being men....the gender thing. Anyway, now that it's been exactly a month mom lost her sister who died at age 93, mom's 91. So mom took it hard at first. But now she doesn't talk much about her sister she was sooooo co-dependent upon. I do go there, but live across town. My sister has caregivers in place, one even spends the night. But sometimes I try to help out, in the sense that over a period of time I've been trying to encourage my sister to really become more informed about ALZ. I realize she's been stressed with the situation of living over there w/mom and previously my aunt. She has POA, MPOA of my mom. She lives there of course doesn't pay rent, and has a full time job. My sister up until now has been pretty controlling of many situations w/respect to my mom. I feel like on the one hand she lives there and she does a great job. She just doesn't know sometimes when to quit. While my aunt was still alive, of course my sister never did look into say some kind of adult day care, so as to keep my mom at least minimally busy. I had suggested this a long time ago. But this is where some of her control attitude kicks in. I notice that whenever let's say I've suggested, that maybe a program could be sought out, she would shoot the idea down saying, "Oh mom, wouldn't want to go unless her sister was able to go w/her, (her sister was getting immobile by then). Anyway, after my aunt passed away, the very next day my sister called to tell me she had mom out for several hours shopping and to get her nails done. When she ran down the itinerary of that day, she almost had this tone in her voice, as if saying, now that mom's sister was gone....mom was going to hop to it, and be out and about all day. Mind all of you, mom had for the last year pretty much been home bound, of her own choice.
So I didn't say anything to my sister at hearing this, but thought, well o.k., I hope she doesn't tire my mom out. My sister started to tell me right after this that she felt as if my mom became more alert, and was awake all day the first week after the death of my aunt. So today a month later, my sister called saying she felt angry. She now feels as if mom went back into her usual ALZ mode, of sleeping all day, and as she refers to it, "tuning out." While I admit that my mom maybe didn't many times show loyalty to me, nor my sister, so I don't feel real connected with mom, I also realize that she's suffering the effects of the ALZ. My sister sounded pretty upset about the tuning out, and says things like, she feels she does so much for mom, but there's no response from her, etc. When I try to interject w/rationale about the progression of the ALZ, I know it falls on deaf ears.
There's a part of me that sympathizes with my sister, but then I feel like here is the control factor again. O.K., can anybody give me some insight, am I on the right track here? Yes, I try to stay detached. Then there's more, but I'll talk about this later, as I'm afraid I've written a book by now! HAAH, Have a great evening all!
Margeaux

I am so glad to have found this thread. I'm serving as caregiver for my sister (1 month shy of 61.) The dementia has been coming on for about 7 years but I could not get her to agree to an evaluation, but finally a crisis required it and she has been diagnosed.

My parents are both dead, my brother ... well ...he's good at the business end, but doesn't have an empathetic bone in his body. (An expert has told me he actually suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, although he has no idea.)

My sister,,,,she's a PIA. She is nasty, negative, uncooperative, denies there's a problem, lies, sneaks, refuses to comply with any of my requests.

I'm sure this is the right place for me especially since I do not have 1 "warm fuzzy feeling" for either of my siblings. I've been in therapy for 17+ years so I've learned that I'm okay, I just grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family going back generations.

My sister has now been living with me for nearly 10 years. I did have the chance after the crisis, to permit my brother to put her in a facility, but I thought I could do it. He said she'd continue to destroy me. Well...now after enjoying a 4 month break while she lived at my brother's and he determined what would happen, she's been back her for just about 3 months....I'm back to my self-destructive behaviors....drinking.

Any suggestions??? Should I just say "good-bye" and let my brother put her in what she can afford on her SSI?

First welcome -you are at the right place I would say yes since your brother knows the business end have him do it before you are the one to need a nursing home-it will effect your health-my late husband was a PIA also the only thing that saved me was his frequent hospitalzations and rehab over 15 times often for 100 days in a row Call your social service office and tell them you are no longer able to care for her-she is already in the system with getting SSI-if your brother is willing give him 5 days to do it or leave your house for a few days even if it is a shelter-don't let her behaivor make you have bigger problems please find an AA group today and talk to someone-you do not deserve to be treated like this any more.

Margeaux, it sounds like your sister is doing a great job. I am really impressed with her. If the three of your get along well, maybe you can go with them places. I'm sorry the alz seems to be progressing again. Sometimes I hope that diagnoses are wrong and that the disease won't progress. I am glad that you are there to support your sister. I know she has a rough time ahead. It is easier with a family of help. :) Caregivers do tend to get controlling. I guess it is because they try to find ways to make things work. When they find one way, they stick with it until it stops working. I know my parents have certain traits that I have to consider when I'm making plans. Occasionally one of the traits changes, so I have to change the way I do things. I'm sure someone might say I'm controlling, though control is a talent I only wish I had!

I'm glad your sister and you are close. After such a hard childhood, many children barely talk to each other.

I can hold glass to that ...make it cherry shake lol ...yes my brother and I do not talk and I do not get a chance to talk to my half sister. It ticks me off not knowing what influence my lil sister to not talk to me but know she is moving to california and my brother he is in georgia now. I talk to my twin sister and that is like pulling teeth..everytime something is misunderstood and a fight happens ...I just endure of it then hang up the phone..i can't deal with it when I took their backs against bullies in school and a girl isnt suppose to do that ..guess i am the odd one out .

Wow, emjo I read this post you wrote about your narcissistic sister. I find this quality so terrible by parents when they have to say something inappropriate to a daughter-in-law. Your poor nephew. I remember many years ago, my mom who I consider a manipulator, used to criticize my youngest brother's wife to me. At that time, I noticed some rather ungraceful qualities by my sister-in-law. Fortunately, she's grown over the years, and I like her much more now than then.
But, I remember giving my mom a piece of advice. Also, in mom's eyes, no woman was good enough for her favorite son of all things. So I told her, that it would be to her benefit to be nice to my sister-in-law, after all she was now in the family and married to my brother. I also told her that if she wasn't, she would run the risk of alienating my brother from mom. Well, mom managed to be let's say polite, but I could always tell that she wasn't fond of either of my sister-in-laws. Well, I'm happy for you that you've made a connection w/you nephew. It's good when we at least have a few good eggs in the family. Take care, Margeaux

Oh how this topic fits me and my family today. My mother just arrived home (3 weeks) after being in the hospital and rehab for several months. She is very elderly (89) and expects her children to jump when she yells! She has finally allinated some of her regular caregivers, and others have stepped up to the plate to lend a hand in the effort to keep her in familor surroundings. The issue,...and it is a huge one..she willingly and knowingly...allowed all of her children to be sexually abused by her husband (step-father to many of us), even moving way out of town to not allow anyone to get close to her children so we would not tell. While he has left this earth, many of us feel like this is just not fair! We are putting our lives on hold, rearranging our lives on a daily basis, and at time ignoring our own spouses, children, and grandchildren for this woman who threw every one of us into the hands of that sick, sick man. The abuse was not a one time event, for one of us it lasted 11 years. While we have all been in and out of counseling over the years, we all struggle with taking from our lives, and giving to her, when she could not be bothered to keep us safe!