The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am struggling with caring for Mom who has mild dementia. I know I am burnt out. I currently live with my Mom and brother (I just moved here recently). My brother doesn't seem to care about my needs. I am expected to give up everything (financially) and take care of Mom, his dogs and him. My Mom had a fall last year - guess who took care of her (shots, vitals, exercises) while cooking, taking care of the dogs, shopping for the household, etc ? If I mention needing to go to the Doc, I get an annoyed "Why?" Lastly, we are not working together - he doesn't share his appointments/schedule. If he did, I could plan my needs around it. I asked him before to talk - he avoided me and went and hung out with his friend for the better part of the weekend. I just don't know if it's even worth trying to talk to him again. In the past, I have traveled multiple times to where they lived to take care of Mom - while he worked. I am looking towards just moving out - I don't want to leave Mom, but my mental health and future are important too.

Jens,

Has your mom considered living in a facility? Then she wouldn’t have to depend upon you or your brother.

I am sure that you are exhausted caring for your mom. I was exhausted during my caregiver days. It’s a daily grind.

Best wishes to you.

Jens, there are those that just don't get it. Don't, won't or can't.

Not lift a finger - evem when they see someone else woth a full load.

Nevermind. Use your energies towards finding others to assist instead. Build a good team for your Mom yourself. Needs blow out past family sooner or later (even if you had 5 siblings). A common hurdle can be arranging 'non-family' help.

Jens, thank you for your service!

I think the sooner you move out, the better. There is NO reason for you to be caring for your BROTHER!

BarbBrooklyn, Beatty, and Need Help With Mom: thank you so much for your support and kindness. A military friend agreed to let me stay with her if I need to, so at least I have a place to go initially. My brother will likely hire a nurse -- he has control of Mom's finances and, is also doing way better than me financially. She also has great insurance. However, a home might not be the best option for her...I will have to explain in another message. Going to try to sleep a bit.

Advice for anyone surrounded by dysfunctional people: Stop stressing over sh***y people.

Jens, let us know how you're doing!

Random thoughts on my mind:

Some people are just bad people. You’ll keep thinking, “Why can’t they see my point of view?”…They do. They just don’t care. Some of them not only don’t care, but they get great satisfaction that you’re unhappy, or your life’s not going well, or they contributed to making your life miserable.

Some people just aren’t good people. One sign is that the conversation will go round in your head, because you keep trying to make them see your point of view.

Sometimes it’s confusing: we think, “They’re not that bad. They’re not a bad person. They haven’t murdered anyone, they’re not a gangster, criminal…”

But you know what? Someone can still be a bad person, even though they’re not a murderer, etc…

And if they’re super “nice” to others? So what. They’re not nice to YOU. That means they’re not a nice person. And they probably get some benefit from being “nice” to those other people. If there would be some benefit for them being “nice” to you, they would do it.

Don’t think a bad person will become a good person. They don’t change. You’ll keep getting mad, protesting against them, doing all you can to change them. It’s literally like banging your head against the wall.

When you’ve identified a bad person (many of them are IN OUR FAMILY), then if possible avoid them. Bad people don’t change. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Jens
I feel your pain!! My brothers did the same crap to me!! They only got involved after my Dad was gone. They knew then that they could manipulate my Mom, take over everything, cut me out of the family finally and make sure that I got nothing that my Dad left for me. They don't care about Mom. All they care about is money. Which those two idiots still haven't realized there isn't any, because they bled them completely dry!!

I'm so glad to find a place that acknowledges the differences between caring for parent(s) when your family is dysfunctional versus when you have a long and loving bond with them. Initially when I googled I would see an article that would mention something about the extra level of difficulty caregiving in a dysfunctional family but the article would be short, never offering any valid solutions besides "communicate with your family." Now if we could sit and respectfully and constructively communicate would we be dysfunctional? And worse of all most had a toxic positivity spin that would enrage. me. Then I found this place. Way down in my google search page was the title of a post that said something like "Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?" And I felt such relief.

I think why I am having such a hard time is that I am being TRIGGERED and perhaps having what I have recently learned are called EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS. My emotions are crazy. I think being back in my childhood home for a few days a week, being in constant contact with siblings about our father, I have just lost that space needed for sanity. Anyway, grateful to vent. Today my main feeling is rage. All day over a very small comment. That is how I know it is a trigger. So I did some journaling. Kind of got to the bottom of it. Told my inner child she actually did/does have every reason to feel this way. Just waiting for my heart to stop beating and the feelings to dissipate enough to maybe catch a couple hours of sleep....

It's a coincidence that when I mention I have plans out, there is a fall. Or is it?
Not my first rodeo ride. I still went out.

How am I doing today?
Better than yesterday but the day is young! lol I am so glad someone made a thread on this.
It is a constant struggle to maintain healthy boundaries, provide care for your family member, work through daily life struggles and maintain chores, provide care for yourself, etc. It is all to much for one person and the layer of dysfunction definitely adds a layer of spice that leaves marks.

Hmmmmmmm. How am I? I feel orphaned but managing quite well. I am filing major paperwork for moms future alternate housing…Mom will go broke within the year and may not be able to stay in her assisted living. Virginia medicaid will not pay the rent. My only sibling….... has managed to get keep a big emotional detachment the past 4.5yrs with moms caregiving. He now claims he “never bonded” with any of us as a child. He claims no real love for family. Our mom was a good mom who was raising a CF child who died at 10 when we were teenagers. Her hands were full. This nonbonding status allows him to criticize my level of emotions while navigating her care facility. It also allows him to visit mom 1.5 hrs a week. When her money runs out in 12 months it allows him to refuse her a bedroom at his home {he has 2 homes} and it gives me the potential job of full time mom care in a small apartment. As Poa I do the heavy lifting for moms life. Moms 90 and healthy all but her moderate Lewy Body which causes mobility issues and some confusion that varies daily. She can not be left alone. To stay sane I see a counselor and maintain many friendships. Sadly family is very disappointing indeed! Thanks for asking..

Hey, all. Just want to say hello and welcome to the new posters.

Hasta, I was reading your post and appreciating your succinct perspective on the impossible nature of caregiving in dysfunctional families, and toxic positivity, and then you said, "Way down in my Google search page was the title of a post that said something like 'Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?' And I felt such relief."

I laughed way too hard at that! :) Dysfunctional family caregiving can be emotional torture with no clear way to get out of it. All the well-meaning advice in the world can't help in those situations, but commiserating with others in similar situations at least helps people feel sane, imo.

I'm glad you found this thread. Vent/post away and find support.

Update on me: I'm in a master's program for behavior analysis. I'm not in any hurry to start working with local services (was supposed to start last fall, but then I had the low sodium episode, was very sick, and I put everything off). I start practicum hours next year as part of the curriculum. All is well on that front.

I threw my back out today. I tend to get this painful spasm once a year or so, and I'm laid up for the day and took a muscle relaxer -- so I'm a little dopey atm. The back will heal soon enough, and it's given me time to get online and catch up a little.

I've been ruminating about my need for professional therapy for a while. I reached out to a local counselor today to set up an initial appt. The expense of therapy could be a barrier in the future but I feel I have to at least try to better recognize my emotional/mental habits that don't serve my best interests. I developed panic disorder around 2013 (12-18 months after caregiving started) and it's never fully subsided. It'd be good to gain some tools to help with that.

I reached out to a male therapist. But now I'm wondering if I should select a woman therapist. Thoughts on this? Those of you who have therapists now or in the past, do you feel same-gender is important? Thanks. Much love to all of you.

Greetings everyone. Happy birthday Golden and all the Virgos.
I am not caught up. So many times I have wanted to post. Just know that you are all in my heart and prayers.
So good to hear the progress of my heroes.
I am still struggling and fighting the good fight.
I relate with posts about reliving the ugly wrongful deeds of our loved ones.
One of my prayers is to let these memories and pain go.
How do I do this!! It's who I am even recognizing the programing that I accepted in a need for love acceptance and appreciation and acknowledgement. I am learning at this late age the things I didn't know that I didn't know. I struggle to process my ignorance or my need to not know. I recognized a while back how my subconscious understanding was working in my way of harshly imposing independence on my son. I didn't want him dependant on my love as I was with my parents. Many times I felt I did this so well that he ended up feeding into the manipulation of my mother and sister who are narcissists in their attempts to use their knowledge of his pain and my issues against me.
There was jealousy that he was a handsome beautiful child. Of course I did not deserve this. I didn't want him to be stuck on stupid and stuck on beauty and color.
Although this did affect him it could not touch our love and our bond. I later learned of the tactics in our indepth conversations after he had a child and around and after he settled down with his wife and daughter.
We have always been upfront and honest with each other from day one. I did not nor did I know how to express my issues with my mother and sister as I had had blinded myself for a lifetime. It was always An issue that I accepted and made excuses for. My every focus was proving my love and making my mother happy to no avail. It hurt that my son was exposed to subtle means of attacks witch were validated from my lack of perception and my ardant honorable and programed acceptance and subconscious understanding of retaliation and manipulations.
AnywAys I am still holding on.
Words can not express how this forum and the beautiful angels here have impacted my growth and understanding sometimes there were times I didn't acknowledge my faults in understanding. But my heroes were so admant and persistent in my journey that I was finally able to perceive and accept my truth. I learned about narcissism which I could never grasp in college but wasn't a necessity to understand. My heroes shared information about this which gave me clarity on what I was dealing with and my truth and the affects on who I am today.
My life and my profession is a cumulation of hold in my feelings and response to maintain an environment to save lives or not expose disfunction pertaining to family.

I pray and hope everyone is preparing for this return of c19 and the possible inadvernt events. Stay in Prayer and stock up on necessities I don't think this will be a joke.
In some ways I am glad I didn't get the surgery and that it will be awhile coming. I think of having issues from when the first surgery was scheduled and having to possibly have admission from complications down. The line or even having surgery in the mist of a pandemic and being exposed in danger of the circumstances.
Much love to all.
May love peace a d healing shine upon us all!

Just over a year ago I had to leave my previous area where I lived, and move in with my father and his friend/roommate. The initial idea was to gather a new job in the area and eventually a new apartment. But my father insisted I apply to be his in-home caregiver, that I would be paid by his insurance. I found it odd they agreed at all, considering I had no prior experience.

My father is a stubborn, racist, arrogant man. He drinks daily, which his medical team is aware of, and refuses to perform most daily tasks that benefit him, such as any kind of exercise or activities. He stares at Fox News and Youtube all day and of course, assumes he knows everything, but cannot have a level conversation with me about anything without turning it into an argument. He forgets everything - from meals, to conversations, to appointments - and will blame or accuse me of not telling him, or being wrong about something I myself have documented for his care.

I do not have a room. I just turned 30, I sleep on a weathered, uncomfortable couch in the living room. I have no privacy, I can hear both my father's and roommate's televisions throughout the day. In the year I have been here as his caregiver, I have gained weight, my depression (chronic and diagnosed since I was 18) is constant, my overall mood and personality is noticeably deteriorated. I was already on the fence of speaking to my therapist again on the topic of atleast "partial disability" with the way my mental health is - at this rate it may be a necessity.

My father's roommate is atleast functional, and somewhat competant, however - we are all now being evicted from their run-down apartment, because they evidently had an agreement with the landlord to not smoke back in 2019, which had been broken. So now I am stretching myself even more thin calling where I can, having to fill out applications for 3 people everywhere we want to apply to live, all the while I have little to no support. With a date for eviction court pending.

The 'agency' I am hired from is laughable in my experience so far. Of course I am new to this, though I find it ridiculous that I am paid poverty-line wage, and simultaneously expected to be responsible to purchase a first aid kit and fire extinquisher for the home. I even used said extinguisher for its intended purpose, and the care manager had to fight the insurance to stop paying me because I had to wait 2 days for one to come in to replace it. The agency only calls me if there are reports of falls (there are many, my father has orthostatic hypotension), No one has even called to ask about my survey, to which I reported my mental, physical and emotional health having rapidly declined - And they get irritated when you actually continuously contact them for support or help of any kind.

As it stands, I'm going to try and truck along as best I can, atleast until we can solidify a new living arrangement (In hopes that the court sees we have been looking and will grant us a couple more months to seek housing), and attempt to start speaking with my therapist again. Perhaps live-in caregiving is not for me, and I should persue my IT certification again, and find a replacement caregiver - but for now, I'm glad to have found a forum where I feel a little less alone in what I am going through. It is 9 45 am, and I have a cold and a headache - but can atleast enjoy some warm tea. I hope you all have a little something to enjoy today, as well. <3

-V

Vicarious, welcome.

Please read this:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest

Vicarious, what sort of work did you originally intend to find? What sort of work do you enjoy? How does that compare to your current role?

What's the timeframe for this role?

I loved working parttime in a bar.. course I was younger etc, but people were mostly happy, friendly, thankful. I would do that over 1:1 caregiving for a grump any day.

Vicarious

Please get out of this caregiving situation. You are young and should be working towards a job you want to do. This caregiving is depressing you. Perhaps you could contact your County or local Area of Aging for help from a social worker to help you navigate finding other arrangements for these people .

Its great to find this discussion here, thank you for raising the topic.
Not sure if my family is particularly dysfunctional, but obviously something is not right leading me to look up this discussion.

The dysfunction in our family I think is that we siblings never learned to assert ourselves vis-a-vis our parents. They were authoritarian and aloof. They talked of unconditional love, but in reality we had to be good by their subjective judgement to win their approval, and in my mothers case that depended on her mood.

As they became older, and we gained independence, experience and some wisdom, our parents, still convinced that they knew best about everything, refused our requests to prepare for old age, resulting in some terrible and entirely avoidable, costly, mistakes.

They are in their mid 80s now and running out of assets this year, cannot manage their own affaires. They need our help all the time, but only to do things for them just so. Our protests are ignored - it’s their life, their money, etc, we are to do what we are told.

Our mother behaves like a child but demands being treated like a respected adult. She exhausts everybody, especially our father. He does his best to deal with her, but it’s wearing him down.

Yet - our father wont take our advice to take a day off from her; to set boundaries for his own sake.
He won’t talk to us about how to best plan the finances; how to plan for their continued care as they get frailer.

I take our mother for outings, visit, do all the stuff she wants me to do, but I don’t enjoy it. It’s like she’s just testing me, checking if she is really loved, how much of me I am willing to give her.

I know her preferences, needs, limits, and plan our outings accordingly. Asking her to contribute to the planning is futile, her answers are “oh you just make the plans, you know what I like”, or she’ll say she doesn’t know: “just do what you like and I’ll come along” Yet she will invariably throw a wrench into my carefully customized plans:
-wanting to go a different route, then not recognizing anything and getting anxious
- walking too far until she gets back aches that ruin the rest of the outing
- insisting in D-tours, missing lunch and getting hangry
- claiming that she’s done this a million times and is bored, or she has no idea and is confused
Every time she will say ‘please only do this if you really want to’, and ask ‘did you have as much fun as I did with you today’. She looks at me hard, so I have to make an effort to act and lie convincingly: “Oh yes, it’s been fun, mum. Yeah wanted to do this with you for a long time, so glad we finally did this’.
It makes me want to puke. When she touches me I bristle.

She insists our father come along to the outings, he cant refuse, and I cant keep him from joining us. So I moderate conversations between a hard of hearing 3 year old (mother) and a soft spoken intellectual (father). At the level of ‘I spy with my little eye’ it’s sort of ok, but it breaks my heart that this is all my father now has of their time together.

And it breaks my patience.

Everyone bends over backwards to please our mother, and she just treats everyone like an employee - with arrogance and fake kindness.

How can I get my mother to mirror the effort we are putting into making her life enjoyable? To work on her self-reliance? To try to be a better supporting partner to her husband like she used to be? And if it’s impossible for her to ditch her laziness, how do I deal with her?
How can I know what part is real dementia, and what part is her real personality? And does that even make a difference?

How can I get my father to trust his kids’ sound judgement?To confide in us and let us help to plan his last chapter while he still can do so on his own terms?

Is it wrong to expect them to plan their life in such a way as not to impose on ours, and to do that with our input?

SophieQ,

You should not be your mother’s entertainment committee . It’s ridiculous .
I would have suggested an assisted living facility except your parents are running out of money . You only have to make sure they are safe , have food etc . Anything else you do is gravy . I think you should cut back on the outings . You can bring them food ( from restaurants that they like ) treats etc when you visit and it doesn’t end up being an all day outing with so much planning .

Your parents sound exactly like mine . They will treat you like the obedient child they believe you should be . You need to set some boundaries . As far as everything has to be done “ just so “. Nope ! Those that need assistance need to be the ones that compromise . Perhaps your father like mine would be more reasonable in general , however he’s hogtied by your mother . You could try telling Dad some things without Mom around , to get him to see at least some of this is unreasonable .

You will not “ get your mother to mirror “ anything . She’s selfish and self absorbed , The dementia is going to magnify her already difficult personality . She has no filter or control anymore . It’s automatic. That’s what the doctor told me about my Mom .

If you can’t make any impression on your “ intelligent “ Dad about the care they will need going forward , and it comes time that they are needing more care than family can or is willing to provide …..unfortunately , you and your siblings may have to stop doing everything for them and “ let them fail “ Show them they are not independent . So long as you keep doing for them they think they are independent . That is what the social worker from my County Agency of Aging told me when my mother was not safe at home anymore and was not willing to leave her home to go to a facility . My father had passed on and my mother was alone with her dementia getting worse.

Good luck to you. It’s a long road ahead.

@SophieQ

Waytomisery is right. You cannot be your mother's entertainment committee.

Your parents have consistently refused to plan for their old age needs because they simply assumed that their children would be
their old age care plan. They are not alone in doing this. Many, many seniors expect their adult children to assume responsibility for every need they have in their old age. It's perfectly fine with them if their adult children give up their lives, jobs. homes, families, spouses and friends.
So long as mom and dad are taken care of and being catered to.

It's time for you and your siblings to lay down the law here. Stop doing everything for them. Either they accept homecare to meet their needs and take them on outings or they do learn to do without.

If your father wants to drive himself to his grave trying to handle your mother, that is his choice. If he refuses to accept outside help that's on him, not you.

As for your mother who's catered to by everyone and in turn treats them like an employee.

Behave like an employee then. Employees quit jobs and walk away.
You and everyone else is going to have to let them suffer for a while. Things will have to get worse before they get better.

I was a caregiver for 25 years ans have seen every family dynamic. I can say from experience that the worst thing a person can do for seniors is propping up a delusion of false independence.

There's no shame in someone needing help and care. Those who do need it must learn to accept that they do. The needy senior also needs to to learn the lesson that the caregiver sets the terms of how it's going to work. Not the care recipients.

My mother used to put on the same act as your mother. The acting like a poor, helpless child but expecting to be treated with adult respect and like an equal.
She learned quick that acting like a child means getting treated like one. You should try this.

Then take a step back for a while. Let your parents fail a bit then they will be more open-minded to some care possibilities.

BC, you said, "The needy senior also needs to to learn the lesson that the caregiver sets the terms of how it's going to work. Not the care recipients."

I have to disagree with this statement, these terms only work when it is an unpaid caregiver. When one is hired, they do the job they hired on for, they DO NOT make the rules as an employee.

@Isthisrealyreal

I think that with 25 years in caregiver service to more people than I can even remember, I'd say that perhaps I know better how a successful caregiving situation works than you do.

It is done on the caregiver's terms whether it is paid care or not.
When I say "caregiver's terms" I don't mean that the caregiver does not do the job and provide the services they are hired to do.

On the contrary.

A paid caregiver's terms may be that they will not tolerate abuse from a client. That they will not remain with a client or in their home for one second longer than they're being paid for. All wages owed paid in full and on time. Or that they will not work in filthy and hazardous conditions or try to meet client care needs in a home that is not equipped for them to safely do so without risking their own health and safety.

An unpaid caregiver has a right to demand these terms and more if they're working for free.

I learned early on in caregiving positions that if certain terms were not met by the agency, a client's family, or the client themselves they would not be cared for by me. You forget I am the caregiver who called the police and sent the elderly client with them when her family tried to sneak away for the Thanksgiving holiday and figured that I'd have no choice but to keep her with me. They were very surprised when they found out their elderly "loved one" was in police custody with an APS social worker finding emergency placement.

So yes, even paid caregivers can set terms.


Guilt-tripping, pathetic performances, attention-seeking behaviors, or pleading family members do not stir my sympathies.
Terms are agreed upon by employer and employee. If they are not carried out, walk away.

The same flies for family caregivers too when terms have been agreed upon.
When they are not, then the other arrangements have to be made.

@burnt,

I totally agree. If caregivers are hired by an agency . The agency will totally spell out what services that they will have the CNA , nurse etc do in their home . Not only for liability and safety for all , but also to avoid the family adding ridiculous demands , or like in your case be stuck on Thanksgiving .

Even a caregiver hired privately by the family should spell out what they are willing to do and not willing to do to make sure it is a good fit for all concerned . Some families will try to add extra chores such as scrubbing the family shower or toilet . That’s a housekeeper job , unless the caregiver is willing . But it should not be assumed by the family that they can dictate whatever they want .

My post retirement job is that I work part time as a nanny. I am hired privately by families. I spell out right from the get go that I am not the family house cleaner , and family cook . Of course I make meals for and I clean up after the child I take care of . I clean the high chair . Clean and put away whatever I use in the kitchen . Wipe down counters , sweep , clean spills etc . I will empty dishwasher, I leave the kitchen in better shape than I find it . I clean up toys any mess etc after the children . The common areas of the house and the child’s room are straightened up picked up and better than I find it . I have no reason to go in other rooms such as the master bedroom , so I do not . I am willing to do anyone’s laundry and fold it . But I do not scrub toilets and showers and I do not make dinner to have it ready for the parents when they come home . I also am not willing to drive children for liability reasons . I care for infants up to 2 years old at which time the families then place the child in daycare . There are some nannies who are willing to do all these things at a higher pay rate .

Hi. Right now, I am fine. I haven't heard from family asking me to stay with aunt. I haven't contacted aunt, since she chewed me out for stepping down as POA. It's nice to sleep at night right now. How are you doing?

SophieQ, I started to write to you, then found that WayToMisery had said most of it already.

It’s difficult to provide suggestions and follow this because you posted it on a general discussions thread – ‘the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families’. That thread gets a lot of posts on very different topics. I’d suggest that you copy your first post, and post it again as a question. Then people can answer to you, follow your own responses, and give you a range of suggestions to consider.

Hi, all. I have good news and I wanted to tell the dys thread about it. I just got off the phone with my mom, after a spur-of-the-moment 3-hour chat. Some of you may remember that I had a breakthrough moment with her about a year ago. My heart was softened after a long talk where she shared about her childhood, teens, and 20s with me. I've always known her childhood wasn't great and both her parents were and continue to be very hateful and abusive to her at times.

In our talk tonight, she shared a lot more about the younger stages in her life and it's all helped humanize my mom to me in a new way. I understand better that my mom was hurt by her parents and circumstances, and she repeated a pattern of abuse with me. I have compassion for her and for other family. I am grateful for this page turned, this new chapter in my relationship with my mom.

The one thing I kept saying to her tonight, and she agreed, is that no matter what has happened in the past, and the cycles of abuse, hurt, and dysfunction that families inflict on each other, the important thing is to recognize that we can no longer continue to be cruel to each other. And we must apologize and validate each other's pain.

My mom continues to hear me out on things that have happened and apologizes every time. I told her tonight about different times during caregiving when she would drive into town and cause a hateful firestorm as soon as she walked through the door. I got to tell about things she said when I was sick and emotionally broken during caregiving, and badly needing care for myself, and she and other family brushed off my illness as me being dramatic/crazy/manipulative or that I deserved it somehow. Or, they would frame my circumstances as I was so destitute that I was fortunate "to have a place to live for free." Hah. As if any live-in family caregiver hasn't paid for their keep and them some. As if I wasn't always independent from a young age for decades before caregiving.

I was accused of every bad quality during the caregiving years. The hatred and contempt I felt from family was heartbreaking, on top of being as sick as I've ever been, on top of trying very hard on behalf of my grandmother and father in messy and difficult situations, and at the expense of my own well-being. My mom apologized and sympathized for every scenario I brought up tonight - and I brought up quite a few things!

I resented them all during the caregiving years, and for good reason. But resentment is a poison, and forgiveness is a medicine. I'm happy to continue forgiving. And I can laugh (and cry some) about it now and she says she's sorry, and it's just so dang healing.

Both of my parents have good hearts, or at least not rotten ones. Neither one will ever be a "safe space" for me to completely let my guard down, so boundaries are a must and I will always continue with them. As mom and I discussed the family history of cruelty, I told my mom tonight that no one ever gets to be abusive of me again. And I know that I mean it. I will walk out, walk away. I was too weak and trapped during caregiving and it's a shame that that seemed to bring out the bullying qualities in my family. But it's over. And I want to leave it in the past and continue healing.

My MS in ABA is going well. I contacted local senior care places and asked about behavior services they have in place. I was conflicted about doing required supervision hours with the typical ABA clients because I wanted to do behavioral gerontology but it's not that common, and it's taken me time to figure out how I will do it, but I have a plan. I can get remote supervision for local senior behavior services. My mind always goes back to my grandmother, and I think it'd be nice to turn the poison of a dysfunctional caregiving situation into medicine. Gerontology is growing and I have an interest in it, borne of experience. Isn't that cool?💜 I have a lot of work to do in front of me, but I'm on the path.

Something else...

I learned a lot about my family history tonight. I learned that a death at Christmas time just last year that I had attributed to natural causes was a suicide. An older male family member had gone to his parents' gravesite and killed himself there with a gun. That's incredibly sad and tragic to me.

And, modern DNA banks plus some family members' ancestry-tracing hobbies have turned up other "dysfunction" stuff my mom, and even her mom, didn't know about. It was a lot for me to learn about in a 3-hour conversation, plus the emotions of being able to discuss so much of my history with my mom and hearing her tell me she's sorry for the role she played in my unhappiness. It was an emotional conversation.

It left me with this feeling that everyone is just messy humans! And everything that's happened has to be viewed in the context of when and how it happened. Learning more about my family's dysfunction has done a lot to deeply humanize them and give me compassion for everyone. Everyone growing up in dysfunctional situations is a victim, to me. Life will never be perfect, of course, but getting your young start born to messy and contentious folks, and growing up in hardship -- that isn't easy. And it can create a pattern.

Wow, Ali! So good to hear about your talk with your mom!

Tragic about the relative's suicide.

And I'm so glad your studies continue to go well.