The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Interesting discussion of family dysfunction. My 10 year old grandson is having a hard time dealing with his mom, my daughter, as she goes through her stressful 40th year. She’s unhappy with her job and other life situations (her husband is very nice, but not a mind reader), and takes it out on everyone else. My grandson has anxiety and depression, anyway, and told me he thinks it’s because she yells at everyone so much. I commiserated, of course, and told him that he can throw it in her face when he grows up, just like his mom throws her childhood in my face! I told him I took out my frustrations on his mom, and she’s still throwing it back in my face, and my mom was really hard on me, but I can’t talk to my mom about it. It was a very interesting but rather sad few minutes discussion. I wish more parents would just say you know, I was so stressed. I am so so sorry that I took it out on you. It would make all the difference to an adult child. I’ve apologized many times to my daughter, but I don’t think she sees that her behavior and hurtfulness are mirroring my behavior. Well, maybe it’ll stop with my grandsons! I hope so.

Ali,

Years ago, a relative (cousin) of mine went to the cemetery to kill themselves. She had a tragic life and shot herself in the graveyard.

It’s devastating to hear of suicides. I’m sorry for your loss.

As I've been thinking about last night's conversation with my mom, and after reading MattyWelch's comment, it's striking how much we teach the younger generations how to handle their stress and anger when they're young. I think parents are more aware these days about children's psychosocial development, but I know that people fall back into the models of behavior they're used to.

My older bro hit me and put his hands on me all our lives. This didn't stop until I was 35 or so. For all I know, he might do it again sometime when he's mad at me. He should have been reprimanded and taught a better way to express himself when we were kids! But my mom was busy and stressed being a single mom, and she really didn't discipline our behavior much, and when she did, it definitely wasn't in a constructive way. Hitting-as-correction of others' behavior (I'm not talking about spanking, but hitting in the moment), and striking out in vicious anger, was what had been modeled to my mom, and she allowed it among her kids, and did it herself, too.

Bro and SIL didn't let their sons beat on each other, and definitely not on their younger sister, so my nephews/niece don't even think to have these kinds of interactions with each other now that they're older. But older bro's mind has been "trained" to think that when I'm displeasing him in some way, he gets to show that through hitting, physical intimidation, or being nasty.

Observational learning. Reinforcement and punishment's role in continued behaviors. I've learned a lot about these things in the past few years. It's a lot easier to change behavior and set people on a better track in handling their emotions/expressions when they're young.

You can't transfer your stress onto others just because they're the closest targets and can't escape. And too many families do this to each other. That's sad. And once that pattern is established, it takes intention and work to change those habits. If parents create anxious, stressed home environments for their kids, then kids will naturally resent their parents and are likely to repeat these expression behaviors they've learned in their formative years.

*I keep using the word "humanize" to describe how I'm feeling but lord knows my family was already plenty human to me. lol. I'm feeling deeper empathy and compassion for everyone.*

They still frustrate the heck out of me. Last night I learned about different looming crises for some of my immediate family. Same old patterns of not dealing with their problems. For one thing, my younger bro has become a hoarder like my mom/dad and is being evicted. I was offering him help a year ago (and continued for a few months to check in on him and try to offer solutions) to address these issues and help him get rid of cats, cars, and stuff he's accumulated. He's like my dad in that they are "non-functional." What I mean by that is, that younger bro has never been independent of family help. He and my dad have always needed someone else to get them a job (that they inevitably lose), live with, or pay their expenses. I don't understand their issues, but it's not just due to laziness or entitlement. There's something "off" with them and some other family members who rely on others. My mom pays my younger bro's rent and is the only one helping my dad out by taking him to dr's appts and bringing him food. I hate to see her taking on so much but that's her choice. She doesn't have much means herself and she's in her 70s with no retirement plan, which causes me to worry.

And it's so frustrating to hear about it. But. That's their lives and choices. I'll try to support as much as I can while keeping myself out of it.

Thanks for letting me get this all out here. I appreciate it.

Ali,

For what it’s worth, I don’t know one single family that hasn’t been messy at some point in time. No one has a perfect family and if they say that they have, they are lying!

Fortunately, many people evolve and break cycles of a painful past so they don’t pass these traits on to the next generation.

Many people do realize that they were influenced by former generations and are remorseful now.

Depending on the circumstances it may be time for others to forgive their actions.

One thing is for certain, it’s so confusing to us when we are children. As adults, we are able to see an adult perspective as well and realize that our parents were following their only frame of reference.

NHWM, another part of it is that it's a lot easier to forgive when family isn't still actively abusing you. And unfortunately, during my caregiving years, there was a lot of fighting, yelling, and stress. So it became fresh again and took me right back to how I'd felt as a child/teen. An example is when my older bro cornered me (literally) in a side room and threatened to hurt me during my grandmother's wake, which set me into tears in front of everyone, as I'd already stressed out for weeks without much sleep giving GM hospice meds around the clock and then planning her funeral after she died. It's just ugly stuff I wish had never happened. And no one ever seemed to take my side in any of it or stick up for me, for whatever reason.

I told my mom last night that I felt like my family was a pack of wolves attacking me from all sides during caregiving. That is truly how it felt. I hated all of them for it, especially because I felt trapped in such an extremely thankless situation. If I hadn't found this forum, I'd be a lot worse off, that's for sure.

Forgiving is always better for us than harboring resentments. But it's much easier now that abuse is in the past, rather than ongoing, and when I can see that people have changed. And, as we all know, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and often extreme boundaries, distance, and even cutting family off completely are necessary for some who come from hateful, dysfunctional families who've never broken the cycles or matured enough to regret their mistakes, apologize, or behave differently.

And sometimes some of our family members are just broken. I accept that my younger bro and dad are in that category. I don't hold them accountable for their behavior in the same way I do others.

Ali,

Very well said. I agree with you 1000 percent!

Isn’t it odd, how family dynamics carry over? This happened to me too. I did process a lot of my childhood experiences in therapy.

When my therapist asked me specific questions I was able to honestly answer them without any interference from my family.

My parents had no idea how to handle my brother’s problematic behavior. I felt more abandoned and you felt attacked. My parents were into ‘keeping the peace’ crap! Well, mom was. I think my father would have handled it differently had they been able to present a unified plan.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. They both did some things very well and failed miserably at others. Most of us fail sometimes before we get it right though.

All of Mom's money is tied up in brokerage firm. She is only allowed $995.00 per month and sometimes $1000. My brother has had a trust placed on her account. in the last year we can't make the ends meet. I presented a durable POA in Aug. They have ignored me. The problem she gets paid on the 1ST Dad'd pension. They are refusing to allow even $200.00 to get us by.
I am left unable to care for her properly when fridge is empty and she needs her adult underwear. I am her daughter and care for her 24/7 365 without pay. I find out brother has a trust and it leaves me out completely. I'm not sure how to resolve this. No one has talked to me, I am being ignored. Can't we ask for a small boost in her allowance? It is of course her retirement I don't know why she is treated in this manner. Any ideas?

Vlhrdh, your profile info says your mom is 63 and has Alz. That seems a very young age to have a dx of Alz. If your mom is not competent to make her own decisions, then you wouldn't be able to put a new POA in place. I assume from your description that you have not been listed on her financial accounts, and again, if she has Alz, you can't get those permissions added now.

You could hire an attorney to help you file for guardianship of your mother, or you can fill out the paperwork yourself and appear in court pro se. The case would be heard by a judge and there is no guarantee that you would be given guardianship, but that's the option available to you after a loved one has a dx of Alz. It would help a guardianship case to show that you are the primary caregiver. Would your brother contest your gaining guardianship?

Hope this info is helpful. Others may have more thoughts for you.

Glad to have this thread. Been here for a few years now. I just saw the title of this topic and thought I would share an aspect on my mind for a while.

I occasionally visit my parents. I am family scapegoat, and have very little contact as it is better for my own peace of mind.

My Golden Child sister lives 30 minutes away and never visits them. Mom and dad have given my sister so much of their time, attention, love and money. Anyway, her son's wife had a child two years ago, which was mom and dad's first great-grandchild. They bought her a darling stuffed teddy bear, that now is sitting in the same place on a chair each time I visit. I asked my dad about it last year, and he said they bought it for "Kris" when she was born but cannot give it to her because they never see her. It is difficult for my parents to drive any distance.

It makes me incredibly sad each time I see that bear, and reminds me of the dysfunction that will likely remain unresolved even upon my parent's death.

Trying again. My sister has gangrene in her toe from diabetes. They did a peripheral artery by pass to try to save toe on Friday. My sister is in her own little world calling out for our mom and not a functional person. My brother who had the double lung transplant was given phentinal (sp). He had a sensitivity to it. My sister is now in her own little world calling out for out mom. They have her on morphine which is similar to phentinal. My niece at crying not knowing what to to. I am helping to empower her. I was given permission to talk with my sisters dr….not saying I’m an expert. I suggested they get my sister of the morphine. She was a very independent person 5 days ago. It’s is a problem with pain medication you are giving her.

SharynMM - I understand what you are saying about the opiates but it's my understanding that gangrene is excruciatingly painful, I wouldn't encourage any action in that direction unless they have a good alternate plan in place. And I'm sorry your sister is going through this, hopefully the surgery is successful.

Coming back to say - ask about a nerve block.

C willie, all test are showing the gangrene is not in the bone or bloodstream. Her bloodwork shows no infection. My sister was a function person before the surgery.

Nice to have a forum to express and vent. I am of a family of four, the younger sister. I moved back to my parents’ home a year and half ago, to rebuild myself, but also knowing that when the time came, I would be the primary caregiver. Both my parents recently took ill and have both been in and out of hospital. My older sister, who lives in Hoboken, NJ, has been here past month and half, and she does help, particularly with the driving. I manage all their Doctor appointments, medications, housekeeping, helping them with OT, PT, and make sure the bills get paid (with either one of my parents there or walking through the steps). My Dad was recently diagnosed with multiple melanoma, I dialed 911 to send him to hospital thinking it was a stroke. Nope, he had emergency brain surgery to remove a large mass. My mom has has pneumonia, autoimmune liver disease, now affecting her kidneys and vasculitis, diabetes and a whole slew of competing medical issues. It seems when we try one med to fix on thing, it makes something else worse ( diabetes, high blood pressure).

Here’s where it gets sticky. I am the family scapegoat. I haven’t had the clear, straight success path that my older sister has, but at whatever I’ve done I have worked so so hard. I just am really bad at office politics and diplomacy, and I have an overdeveloped sense of justice and very high ethical standards. Honesty is important to me, and given a history of very bad past experiences, I am not inclined to trust people until I have thoroughly vetted them. This discernment I have developed has saved my life, and probably my parents.

Here’s the rub: my sister, though very successful, is a narcissist. As an aunt says “She provokes me, and I retaliate”. I lived with her in Hoboken for a year and half which was a terrible mistake. Beyond our bickering, she has physically attacked me in the past three times. At her narcissistic rage moments when she looked like she might again or scream at me to get out of the car, I have told her point blank I will not hesitate to call the police. It has gotten a lot better, but I think that is because I stand up for myself, and am sure to have witness when possible.
I am more concerned that her primary interest is on my parent’s finances, making sure she has POA when they die, and her motivations. As I said, it has improved greatly, but mainly b/c I said point blank, that if my parents lose competency due to health, I would not hesitate to call Social Sevices to request Case Worker or Guardian Ad Litum to protect their interests.
Add to this that my family has been undergoing severe identity theft, harassment, gang stalking and I am 100% sure insurance fraud as the same rounds of people show up at the same times at the Dr. Offices, Hospital, etc. My Mom’s last hospitality (that followed her to rehab as he has permissions there) prescribed her a new blood pressure med which elevated her creating. The kidney specialist said she lost 50% kidney function in 10 days, and were it not for an outpatient Dr. appt that result in her readmittancecto hospital well… by the Grace of God we caught the kidney decline in order to begin treatment. There are some other questionable decisions and incidents by medical staff, combined with the ongoing harassment/ gang stalking/organized crime effort in my neighborhood (all true, I have proof and plenty of photos), thinking these people tried to push my parents into the grave to steal their money.
As the harassment, etc started for me prior when I lived in NJ, sadly I have no doubt that my sister is connected. Has provided info to these people and aided them, most likely have probably harassed her too. Here’s the challenge. I report everything I can, multiple identity theft reports to FTC, IC3, and attempted about 5 times to report to police but was told they would not investigate it (organized crime =payoffs). Have been living in an altered state of hypervigilance and trying get bedt care for parents and protec

CW, my sis is not on any opiates other than morphine. Is codine (so) an opiate and is not as strong so my sis can get back in her normal brain function. Right now they are saying she has a dementia which we know she does not. I will ask my niece tomorrow if they have her on Ativan or other anti anxiety drug that may be contributing this this state of mind she is experiencing.

Codeine is an opiod, but one of the oldest (100+years), and was developed as the least addictive and least ‘high’ producing opiod. I take it frequently for Scoliosis thoracic back pain, and have done for years now. It works for pain and also sends me to sleep. I am not addicted, and if I have no pain I don’t take the tablets. I know it can be abused, but to be honest I can’t see how or why!

I hate how so many in healthcare see a confused older patient and immediately conclude dementia. Hospital delirium is a well known thing.

https://www.healthline.com/health/hospital-delirium#symptoms

My sis is no longer moaning and calling out. They removed all pain meds as of 1: oomph yesterday. She is more relaxed but still having delirium. I believe she be even better tomorrow.

Well, today my Mom went for an MRI in an attempt to find out what is going on with her kidney. My Mom has moderate dementia. She has severe arthritis in her lower back, therefore, we can't tell if the constant pain she is complaining about is just the arthritis pain, or if the pain is partially coming from kidney malfunction. Why kidney? In early September, they did a CT scan and it detected something in her kidney, however, they did not know what it was. Normally, they would do a contrast xray, however, the dye is too toxic for my Mom's age.

So today....

1) She didn't know what an MRI was, even though she has done them before. No amount of explaining helped.
2) She looked at the MRI-room-safe wheelchair and said she wasn't sitting in that thing as it was too ugly.
3) She looked at one of the people helping with the MRI and said "You are the one who stole my business!"...she's always worked for either a hospital or the state. My father only worked for the county. Neither of them owned a business. We have no idea what she was referring to.
4) She kept on getting off the table, so they couldn't get the MRI.
5) Later, she said she didn't want to go to that doctor again. I told her that it wasn't a doctor. We were there to try to figure out what was causing her pain. She said what pain? I'm not in pain ....then less than 10 seconds later, she starts whimpering because the pain is really, really bad. No memory of saying that she had no pain as "I'm always in pain."

Today, I have no patience. However, I had enough restraint to say "I'm sorry you are in pain and I don't know what is causing it". ...and I hastily made my way out.

Yes....that is why she is in Memory Care unit.

Thanks Bounce for the support. It is very stressful. Every day is a blessing and a challenge. We all know elders are prey to scammers and thieves. They have regularly gotten harassing calls from people pressing them to sell their house, Mom’s car, etc. And have been on verge of calling APS b/c of the targeted scammers. By observation, I have very little doubt that their identities have been stolen and insurance fraud or worse going on. My identity 100% stolen. Reported multiple times. I am appalled that my sister would choose to align herself with people that do this kind of thing for a living. And for what? Money? Greed? You only get 2 parents in this world if you’re lucky. And we’ve been lucky to have good parents, so I really don’t understand my sister. Greed. Sickening.

My sister is about the same as yesterday. She has a mild pneumonia they are treating. A new Dr is on her care and doing a whole battery of tests including an eeg to rule out seizures.

thank you all for your input and support. Yes it is a shame they want to blame it dementia instead of looking beyond that.

Sharon,

Keeping you and your sister in my thoughts.

I was going to mention that, CW, Sharyn. Post-operative delirium can last up to a week. Hopefully, that's all it is and it will diminish soon.

Sharyn, it's really good to read some posts from you, but I'm sorry that it's under these circumstances. Hopefully, your sis will return to normal function in another day or two.

Ali, thank you. It’s hard dealing with this after my brother went thru it for months after his lung transplant.

THEY PUT MY SIS ON A FEEDING TUBE DOWN HER THROAT BECAUSE SOME OF HER DAILY MEDS DONT COME IN LIQUID FORM.

Sorry for the caps, I’m not yelling or angry, lol!

They started physical therapy today since she has been bed ridden for a week now. Yes Ali, it can take a good week for all these meds to leave her system.

on Monday the 30th I’m getting a cortisone injection in my hip. If my niece needs help so she can go to work, I may fly out to Kentucky to be with my sis at the hospital. I believe strongly in talking positively to a person in these states to help bring them out of the delirium.

DDuck, I went back and read your post from September 23. I want to tell you how much you have grown since coming on this thread. I’m so happy for that you have been helped here. This is a great thread. You are a great person dealing with your life, son, toxic sister.

Ali, I am so sorry to read of your family member who took his own life. It’s not an easy subject for many to openly discuss. As you know my niece ended her life back in 2018. As a family we discuss it because it still hurts, with others it is hard to talk about and explain. Sending you best wishes and healing prayers.

I’m so excited as my sis is responding to her daughter today. She is watching tv. She has no memory of her podiatrist appointment last Tuesday or the podiatrist telling her she has gangrene. She may eventually remember the dr appointment but will most likely never remember having to have surgery. Praise the Lord prayers are working and my niece is doing a great job advocating for her mom.

Sharyn, so happy that your sister is doing better!

Update on my Mom: I was going through the endless loop in my head about my Mom, for instance, what are we going to do now? So this little voice said "get the pain addressed"

So as luck would have it, I suddenly realized that if she was taking her new pain med, then we should be close to getting it refilled. So I called up MC to find out how many pills she has left. Uh oh....I filled a prescription of 7 and she has 5 left...and they have had the prescription for over 2 weeks. No wonder she is in pain. So I called the Nurse.

Come to find out, the doctor's orders say "1/2 tablet as needed for severe pain". For those of you who have ever dealt with pain, you already know where this is going.

1. My Mom is in constant pain. She is really in pain now that we had to remove the Aleve due to the kidney issue (which is why we wanted the MRI). Yes, my Mom cannot concentrate on anything due to the pain...not even eating.
2. My Mom has moderate to severe dementia. She can't even point to where the pain is...she just knows she is in pain. Sometimes she cannot even form words. Yes, it occasionally gets worse...that is when the pain is sharp, then reduces to a dull pain, after she bends over from the pain.
3. Are you in pain? Yes On a scale from 1 to 10, what is the number of your pain? She never could answer the question due to her dementia. For those of you who know this question, only the answer of 10 will get you the pill. An answer of 12, 20, 100, or 9 will not get you the pill. Is this even a reasonable answer to ask a person with moderate dementia?

Ever since I found this out, the nurse has been willing to give her 1/2 tablet a day.

I'm working on the doctor's orders to change the directions to give 1/2 tablet every day. Its been 2 days. New prescription has the changed orders, however, I need a doctor's order in order to comply with the rules for the change in medication.

I'm starting to see the cooperative Mom returning. I don't know whether we will be able to get her to stay still long enough for the MRI, however, it is good that she is smiling now, rather than wincing and complaining about the pain.

ChoppedLiver,

Your poor mom . I just went back to read about the MRI attempt . So sorry .
Very stressful for you as well .

My sis has times of delirium still. As far as I know she is in rehab now to continue physical therapy. The gangrene she has is what they say is dry gangrene and will not spread While they want to remove the toe, they want her to get stronger. I have no updates today.