notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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"I was a patient there from February 14, 2022-September 11, 2023. I saw intern psychiatrists under supervision who started me on various antipsychotics because of a perceived hypomanic experience. I don’t agree with that, nor does my wife. However, that is beside the point.
My concern is that one anti-psychotic after another was tried to treat a supposed depression problem. They included Latuda, Abilify and Vraylar. All they did was make me even sleepier.
On October 4, 2023, I returned to my former psychiatrist, where I used to live in Goldsboro, NC. After meeting a few times with her, she determined that I was not depressed but that I likely had Narcolepsy. She was quite blunt, saying, "You aren't depressed, you are pissed off, and you need a narcolepsy test."
The Narcolepsy test shows that I do have Narcolepsy 1 with cataplexy. No wonder those anti-psychotic meds that I was given made my Narcolepsy worse. Narcolepsy is all too often misdiagnosed as depression.
I raise this issue from my experience to request that you become aware of this possibility when treating others. The anti-psychotics gave me various side effects, one of which remains, that is, teeth grinding.
My experience there and my life while there were not worth living. I hope that I never have to experience anything like this again. My hopes of completing my PhD are in ashes. Those supervising these young psychiatrists must be more aware of things instead of being so laid-back. Thank you for listening. "
I realize this is written with a powerful, angry tone, and yet polite.
I am now on a search to discover what negative impact taking those antipsychotics had on my brain. My school has given me this year off. My supervisors want me to return because they are excited about my approved dissertation proposal. Yet, I'm not back to where I was. Reading my proposal does not inspire me. At this point, I'm tired of fighting and the drama. My PhD work was my retirement project, but it does not look that way now.
Looking back to the fall of 2002, I wonder if my diagnosis of depression was right and that I was showing symptoms of narcolepsy even then. If that is the case, then my diagnosis in 2002 with bipolar may have been wrong also. It also can be a misdiagnosis in the place of narcolepsy. I do remember from back then how much trouble that I had with staying awake at times.
Robert is now gouging Mark for his S.S.D. money taking it because he says Mark can live with him but the room needs to be redone. You see, I still have a month left in my lease (already have a place rented in NM) and Mark will no longer help me with the bills and is giving that money to Robert. My late stepdaughter's boyfriend accuses me of stealing things from them at every turn. Yesterday, he accused me of pouring out a jug of tea they had in the garage and stealing tools from Robert. I do not drink tea, and I don't steal things. Robert wanted to sell one of the I-Pads until I told him that it was for my work (it is) and I have to return it.
No family is perfect. Mine certainly isn't. Sandy, my late sister was addicted to meth and it killed her. My brother has severe OCD and my mother anxiety as well. My aunt has chronic depression. I have no intention of not paying my brother and SIL back for all the help they have given me and my aunt if she will let me. Robert goes on and on about "well, I am here to help family" yet the second the $$ is not rolling in digs into me about it. I tried to get the dealership to come get the truck, but since my name is not on the lease and I don't have POA, they refuse to do anything. The woman at the dealership was nasty and said they'd have to have a letter stating Mark had been in the hospital and was unable to drive even after telling her about the amputation.
Anyway, it's a mess. Mark does have some family here, but they will not help with any caregiving and I am not going to try to convince them otherwise. Thank you for the rant.
Keep venting! It sounds like you need to!
It was a real jolt for me to realize yesterday how similar Mark and Robert talk and act. Then again, most of the men in Mark's family do. Robert has very little respect for women and says their place is at home. I am beginning to suspect some degree of narcissism exists. I feel like an idiot for not realizing my husband of 14 years, Mark had narcissim, but now reading about it, how could I not have? He loves to stonewall and refuses to contact me unless he wants something. Looking back now, I see Mark used a lot of emotional abuse such as "no one else would put up with you." "I can divorce you." "After all I've done for you, you would treat me like cr*p?" Robert does the same thing holding things over my head on how much he's helped me, how much no one else cares, and what a good caring guy he is compared to everyone else. I am grateful for his help, but I just think it's wrong to keep demanding $$ at every turn for everything. If I ask to go the grocery store (two streets away) he demands $30 bucks. Mark is at the point where he is paying Robert money to bring him things to his rehab center.
Been ten years since I left my mentally abusive husband, feel much better but it comes back now and then. Specially with taking care of my mom, sence my mom took my xs side. I honestly should not of been doing caregiving giving for her. If I was on this forum before I started I'm sure I wouldnt be. Because all those feelings and resentment come back.
I think burn out was happening to me a lot quicker than some. Anyways been getting my head together, do very well in that department, and put up a lot of boundaries with mom, but still helping,
I will say probably the last 5 years have gone really well as for not letting my past control me. I rarly think about it.
There are times, it's actually strange things that trigger me, and only because I was so burnt out with mom. But one day I was having coffee with hubby and I told him I was going to go change And I had a memory of my x telling me, while I'm changing my clothes change into a nicer person.
That memory really took me by surprise.
Anyways just telling you a little of what to expect on your road of healing
I’m not suggesting that you don’t have your own genuine problems, including Aspergers, but perhaps any genuine problems are being made to seem worse (and are being made worse) by the comments you are getting from these guys. Narcissism, blaming and emotional abuse may not be the only things happening here. Think about it, and whether you need to be protecting yourself a bit more.
Now I know my worth! I know how much I've done. I know that I have brought mom to 99.9 percent of her appointment, for 4 years and no one , not mom or anyone in the family or friends or neighbors are going to ever make me feel bad for that ONE appointment I didn't bring her too, again!!!
I'm still doing what I use to, but if I say no sorry, one of the boys is going to have to take you to miracle ear, because if I go I may want to punch the miracle ear sales lady. I don't feel bad if they have to take a day off work. I honestly don't care. And if mom wants to remind me every day that she has this appointment with her guilt trip, go ahead, they don't effect me anymore.
Because I know my WORTH!
Thank you y'all
Well said, Margaret. Sometimes we don't realize how bad it was till we are away from it
nacy - so glad you got out of that abusive marriage and have maintained boundaries and let go of the guilt!!!
That's wonderful house flower!
Doggiemom, when you have been abused it makes you a target for other abusers. They can sence you are an easy pray, so be strong!!
Good for you! I'm pleased that you have found the way to set yourself free from abusive neediness, manipulation games, and guilt-trips. That is great. Congratulations on graduating from The BurntCaregiver School of Coping. You did good. I stopped doing the doctors' appointments for my mother a while back. I had been responsible for every doctors appointment since I moved back here. I wasn't able to work good hours anymore because I had to be available for two and three (sometimes more) doctors' appointents a week usually. Until I made myself unavailable for any. my mother enjoys socializing with her doctors and their staff. Someone else takes her to those outings now.
Also, congrats on giving your abusive old man the heave-ho ten years ago. No doubt that worked wonders for you in recovering your own self-worth.
People like us have spent years, decades even, on board the guilt train that our abusive parents put us on. I'm always thrilled to hear when one of those guilt trains derails. Good for you.
Been working hard on improving myself and I'm going to keep it up. 😍
Mark says I am neglecting my vows when I told him is it not safe to leave a bedbound man alone (I would have to work). It would not be feasible to even move him as delicate as his condition is. Mark is angry I am doing a real divorce. I had a mental crisis and tried to talk to Mark and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me unless I am happy.
Mark has so many doctors it is unbelievable. He has a PCP (that was over an hour away), an oncologist, a renal doctor, a wound care doctor (not now that the leg is amuptated), and a doctor for gut health. On a typical day to get him to a doctor I would have to help get him from the bed by helping him sit up, helping him slide to the side of the bed. I would help him get on his pants and socks. He would stand for a minute and I would help him get in the chair. To get in the car I would have to help him stand and lift his leg (this was before amputation) and help push him into the car. I would then have to readjust his leg. I then loaded the wheelchair into the back of the car. When we got to the doctor's appointment, I would have to lift his leg back out and help him balance back into the chair. I would repeat what I did to get him into the car. I was having to wrap his leg about two times a day. He could not get in and out of the shower so I was sponge bathing him.
It was a production if he needed to use the bedside toilet because I'd have to help him take off his pants and undies and steady him until he got on the toilet and transfer. I would need to be sure he wiped himself and then help him pull all the clothes back on and get back on the wheelchair. Then, the worse part, emptying the nasty thing. Mark then needed to wheel himself to the sink to wash his hands. Yep, see how complicated it is?
I realize now how much the "love bomb" technique is being employed right now because if he gets what he wants I become "sweetie" or "honey". I had a major meltdown yesterday and tired calling him, just to talk, and he basically told me "don't call me unless you're happy". He stonewalls me unless he wants something. His latest thing is his pillow. I did give him a pillow (off our bed) but it was the "wrong" pillow which wasn't soft enough for his back. It is weird what becomes the straw the breaks the camel's back, but until he went into ICU in Feb I really didn't stop to examine how fragile and broken my mental state is/was. I think a lot of it is my body and brain healing from nearly 15 years of being married and at least ten of them stressed out.
I love that "When you choose peace it comes with a lot of goodbyes".
It's beautiful.
I love this too.
However, I found that the goodbyes had to remain unsaid, at least out loud to the relevant party. Otherwise they just brought arguments, and more accusations of me being in the wrong and "not quite right" minded.
If you truly want peace, you avoid these confrontations.
I simply distanced myself, slowly or quickly as the situation demanded. Explanations aren't necessary. Responding to "Why" or "Can we bury the hatchet?" is not useful, and, in fact, only prolongs the dysfunction.
Not that there aren't situations with some people where going into the "Goodbye" might be beneficial, but not with the really toxic. We each can judge that difference for ourselves.
My two cents...
Doggie - I'm glad you are waking up to the manipulation and taking steps to protect yourself.
I suffered bullying all through my school years and as an adult also realized that my own family were bullying me. It wasn't till after caregiving for my mom and the self esteem it brought me that I realized I deserve better. Funny, (NOT), my family doesn't seem to care for the new me. Ah well, boo hoo for them.
Speaking of which. I'm seeing them this weekend. Not looking forward to it. Even though I now know I deserve better I still get really nervous at the thought of being around them. At Christmas I sensed a new kind of hostility from them. Probably the not liking the new me. Again, ah well..................
I hope it’s true!
And in the context of caregiving, I hope it’s true about those elderly LOs who, were kindly taken care of by (usually the daughter), and then viciously abused the daughter who took care of them. It happened to so many of us caregivers here on aging.com.
A friend of mine told me once. I really didn't change, there isn't a new me. The new me was the person I was ment to be , the new me is the true me. The old me is what everyone's
bulling , controlling and manipulating turned me into
I believe that's probably true
Definition:
The person who is reading this.
My online narcolepsy group is helping me. I wrote them up a historical context of all of this. I'm sharing it here is case, my story might shed light on someone else's experience.
I have likely given you parts of this already, but here is the whole context in one place as I posted on my support group.
Ok, here is the broader historical context of this.
1. My DNA shows a chance of being a nappier person than 60% of the population which I inherited from my mom who took several naps a day for her entire life which became worse as she got older
2. My professional and personal stress level skyrocketed in 1997 which finally came down in 2005.
3. Early in that period, I put on a good amount of weight which I could not lose despite everything I tried.
4. I was diagnosed with depression in 2002 and with bipolar in 2003. Soon after that, I went on disability and never worked again.
5. I was tested for sleep apnea in the mid-2000s and was diagnosed as such.
6. Somewhere in there I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes which became the actual thing.
7. As time went on, I complained more and more to my psychiatrist about my sleepiness. She tried Nuvigil, and Provigil. For some reason, she started with Ritlin to solve this.
They all failed. Then, she tried an antipsychotic for bipolar depression. It did not work.
8. In 2017 I moved to another city but kept seeing her in person or online. I left her about a year and a half ago to people who kept saying I was depressed and kept throwing one anti-psychotic after another at me which only made my sleepiness worse.
9. In frustration, I reached out to my former psych and she took me back. After trying me on one more anti-psychotic claiming it did not make people sleepy, she stopped in our meeting that day and said, "You are not depressed, you are pissed off. I think you have narcolepsy and must be tested for it.
10. That was October of last year. It took me to January of this year to convince my sleep doctor to have me tested for narcolepsy and diagnosed with it.
So, my conclusion is that things like weight gain, trouble losing weight, the development of diabetes and sleep apnea which are often preceded by weight gain as well as possibly my mental health issues
all somehow or in some way are connected to narcolepsy.
Looking back, I think it has been there or increasing for a long time.
Narcolepsy often develops for some of us later on because of the right combination of DNA and extreme stress in our lives.
I am not a doctor at all. Nor am I trying to play doctor on myself.
However, as one trained in Greek exegesis and the Inductive English Bible Study Method plus being a history minor who loved church history courses in seminary and the son of an engineer plus doing doctoral research, this is my hermeneutic concerning this matter.
Ask any questions that you may have.
I have read your stuff.
Support from your friends on here!
One common definition of depression is anger turned inward.
Sorry that the medical profession has let you down. You have every reason to be angry. And many other reasons too!
My take on medications is that it is: 1) between you and your doctor, and
2) For myself, less is better.
What is the weather like in your area today?
Yes it definitely does. Narcissists are definitely evil people.
If you look at their lives SUPERFICIALLY, anyone will think that they get away with everything and leave you in a real war zone.
Truth is however, entirely different:
We normal human beings can enjoy ourselves and have inner happiness without anything special happening. Narcissists FAKE laughter and fake smiles. Always.
Their character is really weak. Unbelievably weak.
Have you ever seen a narcissist in peace? I have never seen one.
There is always a lot of inner frustration. Always. Until they blow up like a volcano. Have you never seen one raging? I have.
All their relationships with other human beings are always superficial and always fail. Always.
Family members until they learn the lesson all prefer to stay far away from this person.
The minute a real narcissist dies, the persecuted humans feel relief.
They are such negative and panicky people. Drama galore.
And hey, living in habitual sin has serious repercussions. You cannot expect to live decades breaking God’s every rule and not expect consequences. Inside these people is the demonic. That I know for sure. Would you ever want to exchange their inner them with yours? I definitely do not want that.
One of the laws of the universe says, what you throw at the world comes back to you multiplied. And the above is clear evidence that it definitely does precisely that.